A Not So Perfect Christmas
[Shinra HQ]
Rufus: Now I want christmas decorations and candy canes ALL across the building.
Palmer: Can I have some candy?
Rufus: NO!
Palmer: Awww.....
Reno: Can I have some?
[Rufus's cocks shotgun]
Reno: Nevermind.
Tseng: [Comes in wearing a santa claus outfit] Why do I have to be the Shinra company santa claus?
Rufus: Because Palmer ate his costume.
Reno: And the children sitting on his lap.
Palmer: Did not! [Burps out a sweater]
Sephiroth: [Wearing baggy clothing and a beanie] Wassup Shinra execs.
Rufus: Sephiroth, Halloween is over.
Sephiroth: Oh. [Snaps his fingers and he's back to normal]
Hojo: [has a candy cane stuck to his tounge]
Rufus: Hojo you idiot.
Hojo: I coulden't help it.
Rufus: We'll I've booked a flight for the three of us for a christmas vacation.
Sephiroth: I need to pack. And buy a ticket for Aeris.
Rufus: [Smacks his head]
Hojo: I'm gonna go christmas shopping with Sephiroth.
Rufus: Well I'm staying here! No one likes me.
Elena: I like you.
Rufus: [Blushes] Yes.......
Tseng: What about me?
Terra: Hi. I only like Long black haired men.
Tseng: YES!
Terra: Hey your cute.
Tseng: Heaven.....
[Christmas store]
Cloud: Now for Cid.....Oh I'll get him a smoking Joe Chocobo doll.
Sephiroth: WHY ARE YOU HERE?
Cloud: I thought you were in the north cave again.
Sephiroth: Alas I was. But I like coming back up to strike terror into the hearts of those I love.....
Cloud: Well I'm visiting my Grandma in her cabin at Icicle Inn.
Sephiroth: Icicle inn again? Well me,Rufus and Dad are gonna spend the Holidays in Icicle Inn too. We're staying in Porfesser Gasts old house because Aeris wants to be in the house she was born in.
Cloud: Why don't you join us for a christmas dinner. It's the one time we don't hate each other.
Sephiroth: Yeah....Well I gotta go Aeris's present is awaiting her.
Cloud: Bye.
[Airport]
Cid: Wow I never got to meet Cloud's Grandma.
Cloud: Well she'll be delighted to meet you.
Tifa: You told me your entire family was dead.
Cloud: Not Grandma Cloud. You never asked about her.
Tifa: Yes I did! At our wedding.
Cloud: I was drunk.
Tifa: NO YOU WEREN'T!
Cloud: Just meet her.
Red XIII: Will she give a flea bath?
Cloud: Yeah. She gave me a bath in Hot Chochalate once.
Barret: Cool.
Zack: [Looks at Cid and bites his finger]
Cid: OUCH! Little Brat!
Tifa: He's just a baby.
Cloud: Why did we name our son Zack. Was there someone in my past called Zack?
Tifa: Naw, Probably not.
[Meanwhile....in in the Pilot's room]
Ex-Death: Kefka this Pilot's suit really hurts.
Kefka: Shut up. It's the only way we can sneak onto the plane.
Garland: Hey I was the first FF villan. I should lead this operation.
Kefka: Don't make me cast fallen one.
Garland: Yes sir.
Kefka: And those FF7 villans Rufus,Sephiroth and Hojo will never join our little villans group.
Ex-Death: Face it Kefka. Your just jealous cause thier 3D.
Kefka: AM NOT! Well maybe a little....
Garland: [Drinking down some coffee]
Kefka: Where did you get that?
Garland: Left over from the Shinra vs. Starbucks fanfic.
Kefka: You know what happened to the Turks in that story.
Garland: Caffine dosen't affect me. [Drinks even more]
Kefka: STOP THAT!
Garland: Sorry.....
Voice: All crew board the plane.
Ex-Death: That's us.
[Plane]
Flight Attendent: Mr. Highwind there is no smoking allowed in the cabin.
Cid: [Blows smoke in her face] Shaddup.
Tseng/Terra: [Comes out of the lavatory with thier clothes and hair messed up.]
Aeris: Sephy this flight dosen't serve peanuts.
Sephiroth: I brought you some just in case my Ancient.
Aeris: Oooooh thankies.
Sephiroth: [Opens up a Coke]
Hojo: This seatbelt is tight..... [Lucretia appears out of nowhere andd adjusts the seatbelt] Does this mean you've forgiven me? [Lucretia hit's him with the refreshment tray] Ow.....
Vincent: My sweet Lucretia....
Kefka: This is your Captian speaking. I've decided to crash...er land the plane at the icicle inn airport. Please prepare for the hell....er death....I mean forget I said anything.
Cloud: Judging by the theme song playing in the background it must be....
Tifa: KEFKA!
Cid: I'll get em. [Walks into the first class section]
Ex-Death: No one in the first class section.
Cid: Outta my way you ugly looking Armored thing. Where did you go?
Ex-Death: [Turns into his tree form and starts wrapping Cid in his branches]
Cid: Ouch!
Kefka: Welcome to watch the fun. Ex-Death turn to normal and kill him.
Ex-Death: [Turns back and draws his sword]
Kefka: Kill him. [The plane shakes] What the hell was that?
Garland: [Looks up from the Pilot's seat] Where having slight Bahumat problems.
Bahumat: [Whacks the plane and it crashes into Icicle Inn]
[Outside]
Cloud: Good thing we escaped by parachuting. I'm going to Grandma's house now.
Sephiroth: We need to get ready in our cabin.
Cloud: Be there at six.
[Outside Icicle Inn]
Kefka: Stupid Bahumat.
Garland: C'mon. Just let me summon the four fiends....
Kefka: NO!
Garland: Dammit.
Ex-Death: Well we'll crash thier party.
Kefka: Yes. Whahahahhahaha.....Glad I thought of it.
Ex-Death: But I thought of it.
Kefka: Shut up Tree boy.
Ex-Death: Yes sir.
[Grandma Cloud's house]
Grandma Cloud: Oh Cloud I haven't seen you since....Halloween 3 months ago.
Tifa: You told me you haven't seen her in years.
Cloud: No I didn't.
Tifa: YES YOU DID!!!!
Cloud: Nu-uh.
Tifa: ARRRRGGGGGGH!!!!!
Grandma Cloud: I think we all need somthing to eat.
Cid: Food. That sounds pretty good.
Vincent: My sweet Lucretia....
Cid: Oh shut up Vincent.
Cloud: Okay. Let's all rest. Tommorow is christmas.
[Everyone goes into thier rooms]
[Outside]
Garland: My armor is cold.
Ex-Death: Let's....take a break.
Kefka: [Builds a campfire]
Garland: Damn it's SO cold.
Kefka: Quit whining.
Garland: So....when do we attack the christmas party?
Kefka: Tommorow night when it happens stupid!
Garland: Oh.
[Grandma Cloud's house]
Cloud: Cid?
Cid: What?
Cloud: Here's your early christmas present. [Hold's up a cage with a Parrot in it.]
Cid: A Parrot?
Cloud: Yeah. They repeat everything thier masters say.
Parrot: Polly wanna nicotine, wark!
Cid: Thanks I like it.
Polly: Polly wanna nicotine! [Cid gives it a ciggrette]
Cloud: I don't think that's good for it.
Polly: Shut up asswipe, wark!
[That night]
Tifa: Cloud?
Cloud: [Snores]
Tifa: Cloud?
Cloud: ..........
Tifa: [Bangs a gong] CLOUD!
Cloud: What?
Tifa: What was that noise on the roof?
Cloud: Don't tell me you believe in Santa.
Tifa: I don't.
Cloud: Then check up on the roof.
Tifa: Okay.
[Roof]
Tifa: Who are you?
Ex-Death: I'm um.....Santa Claus.
Tifa: You don't look like him.
Ex-Death: I'm the medival santa.
Tifa: Where's your toy sack?
Ex-Death: Ummmmm........Elf helper?
Gilgamish: [In a elf coustume] Yes boss?
Ex-Death: Where's my toy sack?
Gilgamish: Here it is. [Gives Ex-Death a sack]
Ex-Death: Here it is.
Kefka: Achhoooo
Tifa: Santa,did that sack just sneeze?
Ex-Death: No. Ummm.....anyways here is Cloud's present. [Hands Tifa a ticking box]
Tifa: Ooooohhh sounds like a watch.
Ex-Death: Yeah.....Watch.....[Leaves]
Tifa: What a nice man!
[Next day]
Cloud: Now let's open up all our presents. Mine first! [Put's ear to the box] Naw...don't wanna watch....[Throws it outside and it explodes]
Sephiroth: Here's another one from...Kefka. Ooooh! A grenade with it's pin pulled off. Naw don't want it. Maybe the neighbors do. [Throws it into the neighbors house]
[Explosion]
Tifa: Here's one from......Golbez?
Cloud: Who?
Tifa: The guy from FF4.
Cloud: FF4?
Rufus: Here's a new CD.....the best of villan remix.
Terra: I got a death threat. Not again. This happens every christmas.
[Outside]
Kefka: Look at them.....
Gilgamish: I need a candy cane.
Kefka: Palmer ate them all.
Ex-death: Palmer ate all the coffee cake.
Garland: What do we have left?
Kefka: [Sighs] Bananna bread?
Ex-Death&Garland: Bannana bread?
Kefka: Grrrrr.....If I can't have a good christmas neither can they.....
[Grandma Cloud's house]
[Tifa is laying in Clud's arms ditto with Aeris and Sephiroth and Tseng and Tifa AND Rufus and Elena]
Terra: What a christmas....
Kain: Christmas is my favorite time of the year....well actually it's not I like Thanksgiving.
Cecil: Cid how's your parrot?
Polly: [Smoking a CUban cigar] Polly likes a Nictone Wark!
Seifer: Sorry I'm late.
Shera: Oh it's fine Seifer. Have a seat.
Seifer: [Sits down] My Gunblade broke....
Cloud: Why don't you use a normal gunblade? [Loud wet noises are heard in the background]
Kain: Dammit Tseng and Terra are making out.
Edgar: I thought Terra liked me.....
Locke: Hell no. She hates you.....I'm gonna check on Butz.
[Roof]
Garland: We made it to the top.....[Wheezes]
Kefka: Quit slacking! Forward men.
Ex-Death: Oh shut up! I'll send Gilagimish out.
Garland: And I'll summon the four fiends.
Golbez: My four fiends are better.
Garland: Wha? Where did you come from?
Golbez: The fanfic next door.
Garland: Grrrr....
Kefka: Golbez go back to the fanfic.
Golbez: Fine! Be a meanie! [Dissapers]
Kefka: Let's go! [They all jump down the Chimmney and get stuck] Dammit I knew I should have stopped eating those Chili Burgers!
Garland: Stupid Mc Donalds food!
Ex-Death: Damn Jack in the Box!
[Grandma Cloud's house]
Grandma Cloud: Did you hear voices?
Kefka,Gilagimish,Ex-Death and Garland: AHHHHHH!!!!!!! [Fallls out of the chimeny]
Kefka: Wahahahahhaha now I shall kill you all!
Cloud: How do you keep coming back?
Kefka: Simple. I used the Aeris revive materia on myself.
Squarsoft Exec: There is no evidince that the Aeris revive materia, the rainbow chochobo or the ability to clone Sephiroth exist's.
[Aeris,3000 Sephiroth clones and a rainbow chcochobo beat up the Exec]
Kefka: Anyways time to die.
Garland: FOOD! [Runs towards the table but Kefka hits him on the head with a flail]
Ex-Death: [Turns into a tree and Cid up again] Where were we?
Cid: Right here #%^*!!!! [Pumps weed killer into Tree-Ex-Death]
Ex-death: [Branches shrivel up] NOOOO!!!!!!!
Gilagimish: BOSS! [Pulls out all his weapons and attacks Rufus]
Rufus: [Shoots with shotgun and Gilgamish is blown through wall]
Kefka: Damn were losing fast! I'll change into my true form!
Garland: [Become Chaos and attack Vincent]
Vincent: [Turns into Chaos and Fights Vincent]
Chaos-Garland: DIE!
Chaos-Vincent: My sweet Lucretia......
Terrra: Shut up about Lucretia! I'll take care of Garland! ULTIMA! [Chaos-Garland get's blown through the same wall Gilagimish did]
Kefka: Damn! Not enough time to change into angel Kefka....need a back up plan! I KNOW! [Starts singing]
Tseng: Stop the torture!
Kefka: Wahahhahahahahhahaa!!!!
Tifa: Ugh.....stop i.
Kefka: Then surrender!
Garland: I'm still alive....[Hears Kefka singing drops back down]
Kefka: Ooops....
Cloud: NOW! TACKLE HIM!!!!!!
Kefka: EEEEEP!!!
Cloud: [Tying Kefka up] Why did you try to spoil our christmas?
Kefka: [Sniff] Because I never had a christmas present before if you just....
Aeris: Like were really falling for that.
Kefka: Dammit! Almost had them!
Rufus: [Points at Garland and Ex-Death] Who are they?
Kefka: The Villans from Final Fantasy 1 and 5.
Black Mage: Yeah I recognize Garland.
Seifer: Hmmmmm......What should be do with Kefka?
Squall: BURN HIM!
Seifer: I'll burn YOU Squall! [They have a gunblade fight]
Ceciel: Yeah let's just calm down and decide what to do....
Sephiroth: I know......[Smiles evily]
Kefka: Ulp....
[Town]
[Garland,Kefka and Ex-Death are all ringing bells outside a salvation army place]
Kefka: Help the poor?
Guy: No way! [Trips Kefka]
Garland: Ha! Ha! Kefka got tripped!
Kefka: BOLT 3! [Zaps Garland]
Garland: Ow...
Kefka: Forget this! I'm gonna go torture somebody! [Laughs insanly]
Tifa: [Carrying Zack] Hi everyone....
Zack: Grrr.... [Bites Kefka's arm and latches on]
Kefka: OOOWWWWW!!!!! PAIN!!!!!!!
Polly: Polly wanna nictione! Wark!
Cid: I just love him! [Polly falls over and dies] NO!!!!!!! WHY THE LIVING F*ck does this happen to me?
Doctor: This bird died of SEVERE Nictione inhaling.
Cid: Wasn't me! [Runs off]
Kefka: Get it off! Get it off! SHIT THAT HURTS!
[Grandma Cloud's house]
Cloud: Now what should we do?
Tifa: Everyone grab thier lovers and make out with them!
Hojo: But no one loves me! [Lucretia appears and throws the christmas tree at Hojo] OW!!!!!!
Vincent: My sweet-
Cloud: SHUT UP!
Rufus: What a twisted ending!
Cyan: Who is up for a game of Grand Theft Auto?
All: ME!!!!!!
[End]
Next time on not so perfect: Sephiroth and Aeris plan to get married. But Rufus and Hojo think it is a bad idea. And Kefka,Garland,Ex-Death and Giligamish plot to spoil the wedding. Happy Holidays everyone!