Author's Note: Sorry for the way I keep deleting things. It's my own stupid insecurity fits. I'm really trying to stop. I'm sorry I'm making people crazy, on here or if you happen to follow me on Twitter.
[Twitter: AlbatrossTam14 (protected tweets)]
One more thing. In the original version of this story, which was written sometime in November, Baby Guthrie was named "Tyson" and was a girl, since we didn't know the baby's actual name or gender. But since the writers have released that information now, I changed the baby's name to canonical Tyson. There are also some slight modifications and updates I have made.
I.
"That one's cute," Alli commented.
Clare studied her reflection in the full-length mirror in the Dillard's dressing room. "Are you sure?" she asked, turning slightly to the left and placing her hands on her hips.
Alli rolled her eyes. "Clare, you look fine. It's not a prom dress. It's just the end-of-the-year dance. Nobody's going to be super-fancy."
"I know," Clare protested, turning to the other side and sashaying a bit. "But I still want to look nice."
"For Eli?" Alli smirked.
Clare grinned at the reflection in the mirror. "For myself. I like dressing up. It's fun to get out of the uniform and be able to actually express myself every now and then."
"This is coming from the girl who used to wear a uniform before Degrassi even made them mandatory," Alli teased."Just promise me that when we go, you won't ditch me for your man. I don't mind going solo, but I DO mind girls who dump their girlfriends for the boyfriend."
"You and Adam both," Clare replied. "You should go with him as a friend. He's already bummed Katie has to go to Vancouver for a soccer tournament that weekend."
Alli made a face. "Not that I don't like him, but going out with another Torres isn't really on the top of my list, even if it is just friendly."
"Promise we'll hang out," Clare reassured. "Though you're on your own for the slow dances."
Alli went to the door of another dressing room and gave it a sharp knock. "Jenna!" she called. "Come on out and let us see!"
A muffled answer, then Alli's voice again. "Oh, come on out, I'm sure it's fine. Come on, it's just me and Clare. We don't care."
Very slowly, the door creaked open, and Jenna stepped out, barefoot and holding the hem of her dress up with one hand. Her face was burning scarlet, and she bit her lower lip as she stared at her bare, unpolished toes on the dressing room floor, refusing to meet their eyes.
Alli looked Jenna up and down appraisingly. "It's not the best color on you," she commented, "but I really like the design in the front."
Clare watched Jenna nod mechanically, her toes curling on the tile.
"I'm not getting it," she muttered, turning back to the dressing room.
"Wait," Alli said. "Don't you want to see how it looks in the mirror?"
Jenna shook her head vigorously. "Forget it."
Clare watched her face crumple, her cheeks becoming hollow as she sucked them in, trying to hold back a dam of tears threatening to burst.
"Jenna," she said softly, "what's wrong?"
Jenna turned to her, eyes brimming and rimmed red.
"Me," she choked out, her face hanging as tears began to slip. "Look at me. I look disgusting."
"You do not!" Alli protested.
"Oh, yeah?" Jenna shot back. "Look at me, Alli!"
Jenna took her hands and placed them on her behind. "Do you really think that all of this looks good?" she demanded, her voice strangling on her sobs. "Or all of this?" she asked again, placing a hand on either thigh. "Or all of this?"
Her hands went to touch her breasts, which were swollen and mapped with lines like a map, nearly falling out of the top of her dress.
"They're so swollen and gross," Jenna complained. "Look at me. I look like shit. It's disgusting. I can't go to the dance looking like this."
"I think you're being a little hard on yourself," Clare reasoned.
Alli nodded firmly, pulling her friend into a hug. "You just popped out a kid, like, a month ago, Jenna. It's gonna take some time for your body to adjust and everything. Look, the dance isn't for two more weeks, right? So we'll come back and see what else we have."
Jenna sniffled loudly. "I hate this. I feel so fat."
"I thought that the good part about breastfeeding," Alli pointed out. "The weight just comes off."
Jenna rolled her eyes. "Apparently not, because I'm still a Size 13."
Clare put a hand on her shoulder reassuringly. "Just give it some time, Jenna. In a few weeks, things'll be normal again."
Jenna let out a bark-like laugh, nothing like her normal xylophone giggle.
"Spoken like someone who's never had a kid before," she chuckled drily, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand.
Clare and Alli exchanged glances over Jenna's head.
"I'm sorry," Clare murmured, not knowing what else to say.
Jenna shrugged. "Don't be. You're not a teen mom."
Clare and Alli exchanged another glance.
"Why don't we call it a day," Clare suggested. "We'll go get something to eat."
"I'm not that hungry," Jenna replied. "I can just call my brother to come get me if you guys want to keep shopping."
"No!" Alli said. "Come on, you gave Tyson to K.C.'s mom for the day just so we could shop and hang out! We haven't done that since you had her. Now let's finish our Girl's Day, cause it looks like someone needs a manicure."
Jenna gave them a small, watery smile, and Alli linked arms with her as they followed Clare out of the dressing room.
II.
"Do you think this color would be better?" Alli asked, brandishing a squat bottle of nail polish to them. "Or this one? I'm liking this 'Midnight in Moscow' color, but this 'Lamborghini' is pretty, too."
Clare studied the bottles. "I like this red color on you. It looks good with your skin tone."
"You should get the 'Midnight in Moscow', Clare," Alli told her. "Take a hint from your boyfriend and try some black nail polish for a change."
Clare rolled her eyes. "For the millionth time, Alli, it's just Sharpie. And he only does it so he won't bite his nails."
Alli grinned, and then turned to Jenna, who was examining the bottles of nail polish with an intense expression.
"Which one did you choose?" she asked.
Jenna held out two small bottles. "I like the 'Silver Moonbeam' for my fingers," she said, then smiled at them. "Thanks for this, guys. I can't remember the last time I could just do something like this. I feel like I have no time for myself anymore, with the baby."
"Hey, we never get to see you anymore," Alli replied. "It's fun to spend time with you again."
"It'll feel so nice to have my nails done again," she murmured. "They look like crap. They're so brittle." She looked up at Clare with a grimace. "That's one thing you don't think about after you have a baby. Your nails get more brittle. And your hair starts falling out."
Clare's eyes widened. "Really?"
Jenna nodded grimly. "It gets a lot thicker when you're pregnant because of all the hormones, but afterward, you really shed like crazy. I actually woke up this morning with hair all over my pillow. I felt like a cancer patient. And my hair's already so thin to begin with."
"Is that…normal?"
"Yeah, unfortunately. My doctor said I'm not going to go bald or anything, but it's still not fun. Oh, and the fact that my feet went up two sizes and I can't fit into any of my old shoes, which is why I'm wearing these butt-ugly Crocs."
Alli looked over at the two of them, catching Clare's eye.
"So," she said casually, "how do you guys think you did on Perino's exam?"
"I think I did all right," Clare replied, grateful for the change of subject. "Adam and I are in the same class, so we did a lot of studying together. And Eli helped me study, too."
Alli smirked. "Bet that helped."
Clare's face heated up. "Oh, shut up. You know what I mean."
Alli giggled. "Sure I do."
Clare reached over Jenna's lap and swatted Alli's knee.
"Hey!" the woman on the other side of the table exclaimed. "Hold still, or else this'll smudge."
"Sorry," they both apologized.
Alli stole another glance at red-faced Clare, biting her lip to hold the laughter back.
"How about you, Jenna?" Clare asked.
Jenna sighed. "I totally failed that."
"Aww, I'm sure you didn't do as bad as you think," Alli reassured.
Jenna shook her head. "No, I definitely did. Perino already told me I did. He's giving me a retake, though, so I won't fail his class and have to go to summer school."
"That sucks," Alli replied.
"Yeah," Jenna said tiredly. "Tell me about it. But the baby was sick, so I didn't have time to study. That's the only reason Perino's letting me retake the test, anyway. So I guess that's the silver lining." She brushed her hair out of her face and leaned farther back in her chair, closing her eyes. "This feels so nice. I can't remember the last time I relaxed."
"Tyson isn't sleeping through the night?" Alli asked sympathetically.
"Nope." Jenna massaged her temples with her thumb and index finger. "During the day he's fine, but at night she refuses to go down. I think I've gotten, like, three hours of sleep on total since I had him."
"Does K.C. ever get up with him?" Clare asked.
"He does," Jenna replied. "It's just…I'm the mom, you know? K.C. always complains about having to change diapers, and he can't exactly feed him, so mostly, it's just me. He'll rock him and sing to him and try to make him sleep, but really I'm the one who stays up."
"I'm sorry," Clare repeated the refrain, wishing desperately she had something she could say that showed she understood.
"It's okay," Jenna sighed. She leaned back and closed her eyes. "I'm just really freaking tired. I want to take a nap so bad right now."
Clare and Alli just looked at each other. The three of them remained silent until they left the salon.
III.
By the time that Alli had pulled them into Forever 21 to check out the latest sales, Clare was wondering if it had been a mistake, asking Jenna to come along. Ever since the incident in the dressing room, she had been moody and distracted, and several times she had seen her blinking away new tears. Though if she asked Jenna about it she brushed it off, saying it was nothing, she was just being weird and hormonal. Clare accepted this well enough, but she really did wonder if something else was bothering Jenna.
"Here!" Alli exclaimed, thrusting a hanger into Clare's arms. "You have GOT to try this on. This will look sooo good on you. Eli won't know what hit him."
Clare glanced down at the dress. It was deep red, almost blood-colored, with a very short hem and a daringly-low-cut neckline meant to really accentuate her chest.
"Now all I need are my stripper boots," Clare told her. "Really, Alli?"
"Oh, come on; give it a shot, Saint Clare," she ribbed. "You went from Saintly to Sexy in Grade 9, remember?"
"Those were Darcy's clothes, and they were a lot more revealing than this. This won't even cover my butt."
"Well, hey, then more for Eli to feast his eyes on. He'll think Christmas came early."
Clare shoved her playfully, and Alli giggled, backing into a display as the salesgirl gave them a dirty look and picked up what she had knocked over.
Alli handed Jenna a hanger with a pretty pale-blue number. It was much longer than Clare's dress, and looked vaguely Alice In Wonderland, but with Jenna's yellow hair and blue eyes, Clare figured she looked the part.
"Try this on," she urged. "It'll look so nice on you."
Jenna gave the dress a cursory glance before putting it back on a rack. "I don't have the money for it."
"It's not about the money," Alli argued. "Just try it on for fun. Come on, I'll try on Clare's dress, and Clare can go shopping at Nuns R' Us."
Clare snatched the dress back from Alli and marched off towards the dressing room. "Let's do a fashion show."
IV.
"WOW," was all Alli could say.
Clare grinned at her reflection in the mirror, biting the inside of her cheeks back to contain the giddiness.
"Yeah," she giggled. She turned her torso away from the mirror and shook her butt playfully, feeling drunk on her reflection.
Alli was right; Eli wouldn't know what hit him when he saw her in this dress.
Still laughing, Alli rapped gently on Jenna's changing room. "Jenna, get out here, you have GOT to see this."
When there was no response on the other end, Alli tapped on the door again. "Jenna!"
With one eye still appraising her reflection, Clare watched Alli's expression turn from carefree to worried, and she raised her hand a third time to the dressing room door.
"Jenna? Everything okay?"
The door to the dressing room swung open very slightly, and Alli poked her head in.
A startled gasp and an "oh my god" finally made Clare tear her eyes away from herself. Stepping off of the vanity platform in front of the dressing room mirror, Clare rushed to the doorway, and then stopped abruptly with one hand on the doorjamb, eyes wide.
Jenna was standing in the center of the tiny room, naked from the waist up with the powder-blue dress pooled around her thighs. Her bra lay discarded on the floor, and her breasts were covered in what took Clare a moment to realize were soggy paper towels, which were sliding off her body.
Jenna's face burned almost purple at the sight of them, and she crossed her arms tightly over her bare breasts as some more paper towels dripped onto the dressing room floor. Her eyes were bright with tears, and she turned her back on them, crouching into herself with her chin tucked to her chest. She tugged her t-shirt over her head, the fabric straining against her swollen breasts.
Alli tiptoed into the tight space, gently placing her palm between Jenna's shoulder blades. "What happened?" she asked.
Jenna didn't answer, but instead uncurled the sob from her chest, hunching over further and sobbing into her hands.
Alli gave Clare a desperate look, and Clare slipped an arm around Jenna's shaking shoulders.
"Jenna," she asked, "do you need us to call Kyle to come get you?"
Jenna shook her head. "No," she whispered. "I just…I need some help." Her eyes met Clare's, her face still flaming and her eyes red-rimmed.
Looking into her face, Clare was suddenly very aware of just how exhausted Jenna looked. There were dark bags under her eyes, and her skin was a pale, almost sickly yellow color. She swayed drunkenly on her feet, her eyes glazed with fatigue, nearly collapsing against Clare.
"I think I need to go to the bathroom," she murmured.
Clare reached down and picked up Jenna's discarded bra and jacket. "I'll take you."
With her arm still around Jenna's trembling shoulders, she guided the girl to the doorway, but Jenna stopped suddenly.
"The dress," she whispered, pointing to the pale blue puddle on the floor.
Alli bent down to pick it up. "I'll take it," she said. "I'll hang it back up."
"No, it's not that," Jenna said, "it's the…"
Alli hung the dress up on the hanger and smoothed it out, but her eyes widened and her hand stilled on the dress's hem when she saw the two dark, circular wet stains in the front of the dress.
After a moment, Alli found her voice. "Oh," she said softly, tugging on the dress gently.
Clare felt the heat of Jenna's skin, flush with humiliation. "I need to dry that out."
With admirable aplomb, Alli draped the dress over her shoulder. "It's alright. I'll take care of it."
Jenna nodded without meeting her eye, and allowed herself to be guided by the shoulders to the bathroom.
V.
While Jenna dried herself off with toilet paper, Alli and Clare held Jenna's dress under the bathroom automatic dryer, letting the hot air blow the wet stains dry. Every now and then, a customer would walk in and give them an odd look, but then would leave without saying a word.
Jenna finally emerged, her shirt and her eyes dry but her face still beat-red. "Did you dry it off?"
Clare nodded. "It's fine. You can't even tell anymore."
Jenna nodded, biting her lower lip furiously.
"I'm so sorry, guys," she muttered, staring intently at the sink.
"It's all right," Alli reassured. "Does that…does that happen a lot?"
Jenna crossed her arms over her chest self-consciously. "Sometimes. Ummm, if he doesn't feed. I usually nurse him every two hours, but if I don't…" she gestured down at her chest. "This tends to happen. Though it's never happened in public before. It's my fault. I usually wear this really hideous nursing bra, but it looked so awkward under my regular clothes. So I tried using paper towels and…" she rolled her eyes. "There's something I won't be trying again."
She turned away suddenly. "Wow. TMI. Sorry, you guys definitely don't need to be hearing about all this."
"I think we're past the point of modesty, Jenna," Clare said drily.
"Seriously," Alli agreed. "Why didn't you tell me your body goes all wonky after having a baby?"
Jenna sighed. "Is it alright if we just go now?" she asked. "Please? I really feel like crap. My head hurts. I just want to go to sleep."
The three girls found a secluded bench near the parking lot and sat down, Jenna slumping exhaustedly with Clare and Alli on either side. She fell forward with her hands on her knees, her head cradled in her lap.
"God, I have a splitting headache," she muttered.
"Are you still feeling sore?" Alli asked.
"All the time," Jenna nodded. "Even when he's not feeding, I can still feel it when I'll have to, because I'll start leaking like a faucet." She sighed. "God, I feel like such a freak right now. And here I thought that I wouldn't have a more embarrassing moment than that diet pills fiasco." She shook her head. "They'll definitely call me Squirt after this."
Alli grinned. "Awww, don't feel so bad. Nobody saw it but us, and we're not going to tell anybody."
Clare smiled, too, but it quickly slid off her face when she realized that Jenna's shoulders were shaking.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
Jenna buried her face in her hands, sniffling quietly.
"I AM a freak," she whispered. "Really. I am. I mean, look at me. I'm fifteen years old and leaking breast milk in the town mall. God, I'm so pathetic."
"Jenna," Alli soothed, "it's alright. Nobody saw it but us, okay? Don't worry about it. Promise we'll never talk about it ever again. It's over. Like Clare's cafeteria solo in Grade 9."
"Alli," Clare said firmly.
Jenna continued to sob into her hands.
"It's not that," she muttered. "It's this. My life. All of it. I just don't know what's happened anymore." She wiped her nose on the sleeve of her jacket. "The whole point of coming to the mall today was to get a dress for the dance. Because I wanted to feel like a normal teenager again. But I'm never going to be normal again."
Jenna took a shuddering breath. "I just feel like I can't relate to you guys anymore. I'm not the same as you, and I never will be again. My life has changed too much. I feel so different; I just can't explain it. And I'm so scared of losing all my friends because of it."
"We're not going anywhere," Alli said firmly, brushing her fingers through Jenna's hair.
Clare put an arm on her back, gently rubbing circles into the fabric of her jacket.
She took another breath, trying to steady her voice. "It's more about changing diapers. I have to worry about his entire future. I have to go to college and get a job and do it all with a baby, because I want to give him everything. He deserves everything."
"I already went through being pregnant and alone," she whispered. "I don't know how I would handle doing this all by myself. I have to worry about K.C. sticking around and being a good dad, and having somebody I can depend on. And I feel like I can't give up on him because he deserves a whole family. He deserves to have a dad and know who he is and him be a part of his life."
"And," she added, so quietly that they had to lean in to hear her, "I don't want to be alone forever."
Alli wrapped her arms around Jenna, and Clare put a hand on her knee.
"You're not alone," she murmured to her.
Jenna shook her head. "Yes, I am. "
"You have us," Alli reminded her.
"No, I really don't," she pointed out. "This is the first time I've seen you since you guys came to my house after right Tyson was born. Nobody has even called me, or texted me, or even sent me a freaking Facerange message. They barely even talk to me at school anymore. The kids at school all treat me different."
"They just don't know what to say," Clare replied.
"They can just talk to me," Jenna exclaimed, wiping more tears away. "They have no idea how lonely this is. There are just nights when all I want to do is talk to somebody, and nobody's there."
"Isn't K.C. there?" Alli asked.
"He is," Jenna conceded. "But we don't talk nearly as much, and when we do, it's always about Tyson. And we're fighting because we're just so tired all the time."
Jenna lowered her eyes, suddenly absorbed at the cracks in the sidewalk. "My mom called the other day," she said suddenly.
Alli's eyes widened in surprise."Wow," she said. "When was the last time you heard from her?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. Eight months ago? Before I knew I was even pregnant. That's when she told me she was living in Nashville. And before that…maybe, like, right before I started at Degrassi? I don't know. Before I met either of you."
"What did she say?" Clare asked.
Jenna shook her head. "Nothing important. Just that she wanted to see her grandson. But, of course, when I asked her when she was coming to visit, she said she didn't know, because she just moved in with her new boyfriend. They've got a house, like, an hour away from the city, so they're not even in Nashville anymore. And she has to work, so she doesn't know when she'll be able to come up and visit. So who knows when she's coming back, or if she's even going to come at all."
There was no mistaking the bitterness in Jenna's voice. Understanding began to wash over Clare, and her heart closed like a fist around her friend's words.
"I hate it when she does this," Jenna went on. "She always does this. She always says that we're going to do all of this stuff and, like, be closer, and then she never does it. She just does whatever she wants and doesn't even think about me. I've never had her around in my life. It's always been my dad, or my brothers. I just wanted things to be different for Tyson, you know? Like, I want him to have a mom she can actually depend on, and a dad. And he does love Tyson," she rushed, before Clare or Alli could respond. "I mean, you saw how much he stepped up. He loves him a lot, and he's a good dad. But I'm just always living with this fear of, what if we don't work out? Because if I give up on me and K.C. working out, then I feel like I let Tyson down, and he loses that chance to have the family that I always wanted. I want him to have everything I didn't."
"That doesn't sound like you're being a crappy mom," Clare replied. "It sounds like you're trying to be the best mom you can be."
"But I'm really not," she continued, "I'm terrible with him. I have no idea what I'm doing. And Tyson, all he does is cry. Like, all the time. And when he doesn't, I feel like he just doesn't care about me at all. I mean, it could be anybody changing his diapers or feeding him. He just cries every time I pick him up. I feel like such a shitty mom, because I can't make him happy."
Jenna reached for her tissue again. "I'm so sorry to unload on you guys like this," she mumbled, blowing her nose.
Alli wrapped her arms around Jenna.
"It's all right," she said. "You can always unload on us. What are friends for if you can't?"
"Still," she muttered. "It's so awkward. I'm sorry I ruined this whole day for you."
"You didn't ruin anything," Clare told her.
She dried her eyes. "I love him so much," she whispered. "But it's just so hard."
"Did you ever think about," Clare paused, trying to phrase this correctly. "Getting help?"
Jenna glanced at her. "Like, therapy?"
"Not necessarily. Joining a young mother's group. Talking with other teen moms. Or just going to talk to Ms. Sauvé. It might help, being around people who can understand you."
"I just don't want to lose all my friends," Jenna replied. "It hurts so much that everyone thinks I don't exist anymore. I feel like I don't have any true friends."
"Yes, you do," she said firmly. "I know we haven't seen you very much, but we're still here. You can call us whenever you need us. And we're here when you need us to be. Okay?"
"You're still our friend," Alli said. "You're right; we really don't think we can help you, because we're not you. So you need to get some help from people that do understand. We'll still be here if you need us, but you need to talk to people who know what you're going through."
Jenna wrung her hands in her lap.
"I want to get better," she said quietly. "I want to be better. For Tyson."
Clare squeezed her shoulders.
"Well," she said, "as long as you're willing to get better, you're already trying to be."