Disclaimer: I'm posting on a fanfiction site. There's probably cursing (because I'm vulgar like that), and there's talk of death and violence. There's your damn disclaimer.
This one shot has been bouncing around in my head for a month or so. Not so bad as a plot bunny, but it doesn't die as quick as one, either, so I decided to finally let it be unleashed. My weird OC Yagami Tsuta makes her appearance again (she appeared in Council Meeting), as warning, but I don't think anyone minds her that much since she's not a heavy OC and is as far from Mary-Sue as you can be.
Update: My sincere apologies to my favorites subscribers who watch my writings. I'm posting this a second time because, even though this story is submitted in my profile, it did not, however, appear in the directory or in the search. It's been weeks and I've complained to support at least twice. On the plus side for you guys, I edited and added material.
It was shortly after Uchiha Obito's death that Kakashi had first seen that wordless expression on anyone's face. The day was a bright, warm one, the sort that glistened off of raindrops from the day before and caused a humidity that was comfortable like a thick quilt rather than steamy or suffocating. The funeral had been two days before, but it was only partially cloudy; the rain didn't come until the next day.
Kakashi felt that he should curse the weather for being so obstinate—to have the rain wait a day, to tease with clouds, and, worst of all, to make this day so pleasant—but his sensei didn't seem to share in the sentiment. Minato seemed to actually be thankful for such "understanding weather", as he put it, so Kakashi kept his curses to himself.
Grief was a weird thing, and Kakashi had figured that being from a fractured family after his father had committed suicide, he should be used to it, be able to take it. He sure as hell found that he wasn't able to take it at all. He tried to blame himself for Obito's death, but Minato didn't seem to let him, nor would he let Rin. In fact, it looked like Minato wanted to take the role of fault in the story for himself, which Kakashi thought was damn selfish of his sensei, but he couldn't say anything.
And Rin wanted, perhaps more than Kakashi, to blame herself for Obito's death. She blamed her lack of strength, because it was her weakness that had gotten her captured—and the team in such a bad position—in the first place. She only vocalized this twice; the first time was shortly after Kakashi woke up with his sensei leaning over her, as she looked up to the stars in meditation. The second was when her grandmother met the team at the gate when she returned. Both times, she spoke this quietly, so differently than the many, many times Kakashi loudly chastised himself, as if taking punishment out on his vocal chords and ego for his incompetence. And yet, it was easy to tell that she felt worse for the situation than he did, and that realization just made Kakashi feel ever-lower.
Rin had been a troubling topic for Kakashi's mind since he returned from the mission. He promised to protect her, but the fact was that he barely saw her at all since he came back, and when he did, she made him feel uneasy and anxious. Not only was she a reminder of failure to him, his failure to protect as a leader, teammate, and jounin, but she was an obligation to not let this failure continue. This was enough to keep him from actively taking care of her, to the point that he was almost avoiding her.
This day, he had seen his sensei while visiting the memorial. Both had been quiet for the longest time before Kakashi spoke up.
"Where's Rin been? I haven't seen her since the funeral."
"I haven't called a team meeting because I felt you guys needed some rest from it," he answered, as if that should have been enough.
"I haven't seen her in the village at all, Minato-sensei. I know she comes here to the memorial everyday, but only because I see her flowers. Where has she been?"
"I really don't know, Kakashi. I've honestly been far too busy with this damn war and…well, I hate to say it this way, but it's hard to be with you guys at the moment." Minato shook his head, then continued, the tint of experience in his words, "That feeling will fade, though."
The two relapsed into silence for a few moments more before Minato finally picked up a bag he had set down and put in on his shoulder. "I've got more work to do. Might be already late as it is…" He said with guilty eagerness to separate himself from somebody who might very well need his compassion, whose welfare meant a great deal to him. In an attempt to quell that guilt, he added, "Do me a favor, would ya'?"
"Sure." Kakashi answered dully, not looking up from the names at all.
"Check on Rin for me. I haven't seen her either, and I'd like to at least know how she's been doing. And..." He made a pause, as if to brace himself, "...Tell her that I want the three of us to have a meeting tomorrow. All right?"
Kakashi looked up at him with a wide, glassy eye for a moment, the Sharingan safely tucked behind his headband but just as emotional, with a wonder that showed that this request was one of the best and worst things that Minato could ever have asked of Kakashi.
"Okay. I'll go see her today."
When he approached the Yagami household, he felt nervous and apprehensive, but, thankfully, it wasn't a new feeling coming from recent events; the Yagami household had always been a particularly foreboding place to him, being a large house that contained only two people--an old woman and her granddaughter--the that remained of the clan's line. The whole place just reeked of "clan honor", and it gave pretty much anyone who entered into it the creeps. Kakashi was no exclusion, and he felt that no matter how many times he visited this place, he never would be.
It didn't help that the old woman insisted that everyone called her and her granddaughter by the family name only. As such, everyone in town called Yagami Tsuta simply "Yagami-san", and Rin was called "Yagami", or sometimes "Yagami-chan". Even her chuunin teacher in the academy called her Yagami. The only exceptions were family (of which, there was, of course, only Yagami-san) and Rin's genin team, who Yagami-san claimed were as good as family. In fact, it was implied that the men of the team might refer to her as "Tsuta" if they wished, but none of them were able to bring themselves to call her anything else but Yagami-san, Minato included.
The intention behind this was explained to Kakashi before; Yagami-san was the head of the a once very proud and intimate clan that had a lot of "baggage" (as far as Kakashi was concerned) with clan ceremonies and honors still tied with it. There were various jutsu held close to it, and they held a certain excellence among themselves as a "medic-nin" family. The leader of the family is the family, it was taught; they are the personification of all their ancestors, and the protectors of all the descendants. Their ancestors live through them, and are always a part of them. And the practice was only that much more important in the case of Rin; when Yagami-san dies, Rin will be the family, in pretty much every sense as the sole survivor of the clan.
It took more courage to knock in this situation than it would have for a strange foreign ninja's door, Kakashi was sure, but he managed to rap out a clear, succinct knock onto the wooden panels. A few moments later, he could hear soft footsteps approach within, and it slid open to reveal wrinkled, unamused face of Yagami Tsuta.
"Ah, Hatake," Yagami said at first before shaking her head, "…Kakashi. A pleasure it is for you to come. How are you? I haven't seen you or Namikaze in a while." She frowned at the oversight of forgetting to call Minato by anything else but his clan name as well, but even though she allowed the team to speak as if they were family, she had only recently forced herself into speaking likewise. She did not correct her mistake, and when Kakashi didn't answer immediately, she moved to the side and beckoned. "Please, come in. It'd be rude of me to leave you standing on the doorstep while you visit."
Kakashi nodded and obliged to the old woman's will quietly, letting himself be lead in and through the corridors into a sitting room, where she promptly took her seat on some cushions and invited Kakashi to do the same. She smiled genially at him, far less cold than she had in the past, and it almost disarmed him. "It's good to see that you are healthy. I know that losing a team member—especially someone on your genin team—can be a traumatic experience to your physical and mental health. A lot of people are simply not prepared for that facet of life, even though death certainly a big part of life. That's why it's important to get through the acceptance of death in order to accept it into your life. If one can not move on from death, then they are dead themselves."
Kakashi shifted in unease. He certainly didn't think he was taking it well at the moment, since her morbid attempt at conversation was already making him even more uncomfortable.
Yagami seemed to sense his disquiet and quietly rose. "Let me get you some tea. It will do you well." She left and returned in what felt like only a few seconds to Kakashi, who had started to get lost in thought and nearly jumped in his skin when she seemed to have suddenly reappeared with a steaming pot of tea and two plain clay cups. Despite her age, she was able to pour it clearly and smoothly without a quiver in her hands, still remembering in her fingers the refinement and grace required of a kunoichi. When his cup was poured, he found himself pulling it to him and drinking it without thought, as if he was unconsciously going through a tea ceremony.
"It's good for you to visit," Yagami continued, trying to sound casual, "I know you boys weren't very comfortable when we invited you before because it's so big and empty, but that's exactly why Rin and I would like you all to visit more often. This big place makes us a little lonely from time to time, and I've got no teammates left to invite over for tea anymore. So why shouldn't Rin's cell come in and visit more often?"
Kakashi looked up from his tea. "Where is Rin? I'd like to see her."
"Don't worry about it; she's busy at the moment. But when she's done, she'll come to join us."
His brow furrowed when she said "busy". "I need to tell her something…a message from Minato-sensei. What is she doing?"
"Rin's training, Kakashi. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't interrupt—"
"Training? Already? Training for what?"
"Simply working on breaking out of high-level interrogation and imprisonment genjutsu, just in case anything like that mission—"
His cup slammed down onto the wooden table before him, succeeding in making the old woman blink. "Genjustu?! You're having her train in getting out of genjutsu?! What the hell kind of grandmother are you to put her through something like that so soon after what happened to her?!"
She rose to stay at same ground as him, and it was her action that made Kakashi realize he had stood during his shouts. "Hatake, this training has been under her own suggestion, and I'd say it's a damn fine thing before I start her training in heavy clan jutsu next wee—"
The boy seemed to want nothing more of what the woman was saying, wanted only to protect Rin as he had promised, and had rushed past her into the hall, interrupting Yagami once again and forcing her to chase after him. It didn't take long to find her, sitting neatly in the middle of a mostly empty room, eyes down in a dull gaze. Kakashi's initial reaction was a wrenching nausea, seeing that the scene was all too similar to what had occurred not a week ago. "Rin…"
Before he could approach any closer, the girl's eyes snapped into alertness, and the chocolate eyes calmly met his. "Oh, hi Kakashi." She looked around in confusion. "Where's Obasan?"
Yagami had appeared just that second. "Rin! Did Kakashi break you out of the genjutsu?"
"No, Obasan. Well, except I heard his voice, and that might have helped, but he didn't unseal it."
Kakashi glared back at Yagami, but she only nodded. "You see there, Hatake. This is what the culmination of hard work and determination can do. She's been working on breaking out of genjutsu since she came back. What they used on her in that mission couldn't have been much better than a B-rank jutsu. That which she was just under was an S-rank."
But instead of being impressed, he clammed up and turned away from the woman, shaking in anger. He allowed Rin to put a hand on his arm and lead him out the room, but he didn't stop shaking until he was brought back to the sitting room. This time Rin poured herself a cup of tea, with a trained motion so flawless it was almost ethereal, and the three of them were drinking the tea together.
"Kakashi, it isn't like I'm overdoing it," Rin began in a soothing tone, "Obasan has trained me since I was a little girl. She'd always push me, but never push me farther than I could go. But I was the one that recommend it. I didn't want to be a liability again, to you or Minato-sensei or any other teammate I might ever have." She sipped from her cup. "In fact, Obasan thinks that I might be able to start more complex family jutsu pretty soon."
"It's too soon," Kakashi answered sullenly, "You shouldn't push yourself so hard grieving Obito like this."
Rin looked at him in confusion. "It's not like that. I miss Obito, but I've already sorted through that."
Before his mouth could open to make another indignant comment, Yagami raised a hand calmly. "Sometimes we forget, but we're taught in our clan to grieve differently concerning death. We take about a day or so to sort through our feelings and come to terms with the dead, doing little to nothing else. Then we continue, having understood the place the death has in life. Not everybody can take that sort of philosophy. Rin's mother couldn't. When my son died, she seemed fine with her grief until I decided to move back to Konohagakure, then she died suddenly during the trip. Her heart couldn't take the stress." She nodded with a sigh, a sigh of a failure rather than of loneliness, Kakashi recognized. "But I felt we needed to be in Konohagakure. With her father gone, it'd be best to take Rin back to Konoha."
Kakashi was beginning to understand, or at least thought he was. He knew that Rin had been living in a non-ninja village elsewhere in Hi no Kuni when she was a little girl, and had gotten part of the story before. "I see. You brought Rin to Konoha to give her some stability instead of moving around like before. To keep her from stressing like her mother." The conclusion seemed perfectly logical to him.
That was when she gave him that look. Her eyes grew wide with surprise and her lips fell low to show that her jaw was hanging down on the inside of her mouth, and she blinked a few times. It would have been damn comical to see such a face on Yagami Tsuta if it weren't for that she was looking at him like he had just said one of the most childish and absurd things that could be uttered in human speech.
"Of course not!" She blurted, before grimacing and mentally backtracking to see how she'd explain it to him otherwise. "Our family has never had such a terrible time with moving around. Goodness, no, it's more like… I brought Rin here because she needed more security, sure, but more in the sense of her education. I wanted her to be well rounded and get a decent socialization among other ninja. And I wanted her to have security in being a member of a community rather than just a member of a family… a family that's dying off, at that."
Rin seemed bored by an old conversation she'd likely heard before and sighed in a way that signaled to Yagami-san that the topic was done. "Kakashi," Rin began, "How come you came today, anyway?"
.-.-.-.
The first time it happened, Hatake Kakashi was content to conclude that it was something that only Yagami Tsuta would've done. After all, Yagami-san always had that sort of condescending air that made you feel like a moron, or a child, or a barbarian. But the second time he saw it, it had been many years after she had been killed in the Kyuubi attack. He was forced to conclude that it was not something particular to Yagami Tsuta, but then it must be something that the women of the Yagami clan did.
He and Rin had both been in ANBU for a while, and had pretty much resolved to live together in order to keep each other's costs down. Rin couldn't afford to keep up the large clan house and be the only person living in it, and Kakashi couldn't afford to pretend to be completely independent when he was barely at home. They eventually ended up lumping together a lot of their bills and funds and groceries. And by the point someone would have questioned their relationship as being anything more than "just friends", there was nothing left to question. They weren't only sharing the bed when they slept together anymore, and they weren't bothering to hide it.
But ANBU was hard work, and the arrangement was still more out of convenience—so that one wouldn't come home to see that their refrigerator had been taken over by a sentient mold or a homeless ninja—than out of affection. They would sometimes not see each other for days at a time before one found the other passed out on the bed, still in uniform, sometimes complete with porcelain mask.
Except for each other, hey had both lost what they had left to call family in the Kyuubi attack, and it wasn't inconceivable that they should think of each other as that much more precious. Kakashi had found himself writhing in a very singular unrest, from having what seemed to be so little left while not being able to (in his opinion) protect it adequately. He wasn't even often on the same team as Rin anymore while in ANBU, as they were now both captains, and he disliked how often his cell changed. He couldn't even keep a good eye on the subordinates he'd trained in ANBU.
When it happened, it was during one of those lazier periods of the year where not much activity is needed from the village, even from the ANBU. They got to spend more time with each other, and Kakashi had more than been reminded about all the things he'd seen in Rin, far past the small girl that he had sworn to protect years ago. They were lying together on a grassy hill near the outside of the village, and it was nearing sunset, next to each other. It was coming close to autumn, with the weather heralding it by getting colder and starting to change some of the greens back into reds. This was one of those almost-too-perfect moments that you figure you have to mess up to make sure it doesn't mess itself up in an even more catastrophic way. Kakashi decided that the best way to do this was to roll over onto his back and pull out an Icha Icha book to read.
It either worked well or not at all, because Rin climbed up onto him and pulled the book out of his hands immediately, tossing it aside. "Yes, please put your nose straight into a book by Jiraiya-sama instead of talk to me. I take that so well when you do."
He chuckled at her. "You like these books, too. You were the one that introduced them to me."
"So what if I did? I don't absorb myself into them while there's a beautiful sunset to look at, and that doesn't give license for you to, either."
"Maybe you should try the replacement. Sunsets happen everyday you know." This earned a whack, and he rubbed his head where he was just hit. "Was that necessary?"
"You tell me," she said with a snort before she shoved herself off of him, landing back into a laying position on the soft grass, her attention removed from him towards the picture of the village under the paints of the setting sun. He admired the site for a moment as well, but drank in much more heavily how she looked in that light, with her short purple dress and leggings and the stripes on her face, as a beautiful portrait in contrast with the architecture and landscape in the distance.
His book was retrieved, but instead of opening it again, he followed Rin's stead and moved to be beside her, reaching over to rub her back as he nuzzled his masked face into the crook of her neck. Her mostly-faked stubbornness was relinquished quickly, and she giggled, turning just enough to kiss him over his fabric-covered lips. Kakashi made a grunt of frustration before he pulled his mask down to touch her lips flesh this time. Why Rin would first kiss him through his mask unless Kakashi pulled it down, he'd never managed to figure out. Unless she did that just to annoy him, because that was always his first guess.
It was a few more kisses into the moment before he realized his hands and mind were conspiring against him and his true intention for bringing Rin here by traveling into areas that were increasingly southern and fleshy. Of course, she wasn't disagreeing with what his hands were doing, and the kisses had become much more passionate on her side as well. Well, as much as he wouldn't mind trying his plan at the end of a nice, steamy romp through the grass on a hill, Kakashi toned himself down and resolved to settle his hands onto hers and pulling her up to a sitting position.
There was a hint of frustration in her eyes at the progression being ended, but she replaced it quickly with a smile and a gleam of curiosity. She reached up and ruffled her fingers through his hair, and Kakashi felt so sure of the moment, and sure of her love and his love in turn for this perfect being that he knew that his decision was right, and any nervousness he might have brought with him when he lead Rin to that hill had vanished.
"Rin, we've been together a while, now, and I want to ask you something. I expect an honest answer, okay?"
A brow rose, and she cocked her head to the side, but she smiled more, nonetheless. "You know you can ask me anything, Kakashi."
"It's not a simple question."
"Fine, fine. It's not a simple question."
"And I can't ask you anything, because I ask you a lot about your clan jutsu and you don't answer."
"You can still ask those questions, just I can't answer them. You know that. That's how clan's are about their jutsu. So what's your question?"
"I don't know if I want to ask, now. You might not answer."
She cuffed him lightly on the ear. "Just ask already! I'll answer, I promise."
Not wanting to ask with such a careless air, he kissed her first, deeply into softly, then lead her out of the kiss with a hand on her chin, making sure her eyes were trained on his. It did the trick. The atmosphere suddenly changed back into a slightly serious but no doubt beautiful scene, with just him and her in this place together. Everything was perfect. Everything should have been perfect.
"Rin, will you marry me?"
It was an honest, heartfelt question, and a logical one, he thought. The two obviously loved each other enough, and they already lived together and shared pretty much everything. There could be no way she could say anything other than "yes" as the two lay together so comfortably and yet so intimately and with every detail pretty much so damn perfect Jiraiya would've wept for the chance to have it a pre-sex scene in one of his books. How could she do anything else but say "yes"? After all, wouldn't that be exactly what they're going towards anyway?
So when Kakashi saw that same damned look of bewilderment on Rin, he was more than a little taken back. The same wide eyes, the same drooped jaw and low lips, the same shock of an adult who'd just heard their kid proclaim something so absurd that an immediate verbal response is impossible. The shock of a thousand butterflies zipping through a suddenly very knotted stomach was already enough to send him reeling.
And then she burst out laughing. "Of course not!"
His face went beet red in a matter of seconds, and his mind whirled to try to figure out if he made an error with the way that he asked it, or if there was something wrong with the scenery, or if he didn't sound sincere enough or if it was too corny. It didn't take long for the furious burning in his cheeks to lock his mind down for him, and he pulled his book back out, stuffing his red face into it and turning briskly away from her. "You damn Yagami women are all alike! Treating people like they're idiots that have children's logic!"
This only made her laugh louder, and he cringed as he tried to force more of his face behind the book. The words were now too close to see them, but his eye was too busy trying to burn a hole through it with his gaze anyway.
"Ehehe! Oh no! Did I make Hatake Kakashi lose his famous cool? Hehehe!" She made a deep sigh for air. "Oh, if Gai could see you now. He'd be so jealous with how someone other than him made you crack."
"Fine, fine! Rub it in!" He glared back at her. "You could have just said 'no' if you didn't want me."
She was no longer in hysterics, but still giggling. "Oh, Kakashi, it isn't like that."
"Hmmph." He turned around again to his book. In a matter of seconds, thin arms snaked around his shoulders from behind, and a light chuckle came up behind his ear.
"I really appreciate it. I do."
He tried to scoot away from her. He succeeded in traveling an inch and bringing Rin with him.
"Oh, quit being stubborn. Kakashi, you should know that it'd be a bad idea to get married right now. I mean, neither of us have any money at the moment. We hardly get by after we pool everything we have together. We have absolutely no savings. And ANBU isn't exactly the most secure work, you know. Leaving a friend is bad enough, but a widow? Besides being dangerous, it isn't the most reliable for keeping the bills paid. And what if I get pregnant?"
This got him looking back at her again, at least."…You don't have to be married to get pregnant! We're already doing that much!"
"I don't mean that! I mean, if I get married, I'm going to be starting off on rebuilding my clan. That's how my clan law is, using marriage as a step for procreation. And, to be honest, I don't know if I'm ready to be a mom yet." She pulled Kakashi's ear playfully. "And I doubt that you are ready to be a dad."
He frowned. "I thought I was at least ready to be a husband. I figured I was already pretty much doing that part."
"Come on," Rin hugged herself close to him and placed her cheek on his, looking over his shoulder to the open book. "You know how much I hate to see you sulk around like that. What can I do to make it up to you?"
At least Kakashi's previous humor was returning. "You're asking me how you can make up dumping me on my proposal?" he said with a light scoff.
"Mhmm. Go on, tell me. What do you want?"
It was this point that Kakashi realized what page he had absentmindedly opened his book to, which should have figured because this was a part he reread often enough the spine had sufficiently bent to the point that jumping there would be easy. A thought crossed his mind that he should have felt strange with Rin looking at it over his shoulder like this, even though she had read the book as well and it wasn't like the two had anything left to hide from one another.
"I could perform that part in the book for you," Rin said with a giggle.
Kakashi responded with a laugh and set the book down. The two shared a laugh together before he pounced on her playfully to pin her down and place kisses—turning into licks—down her neck.
Of course, that part wasn't in the book, but Kakashi firm believed in ad libbing when necessary.
.-.-.-.
The third time Kakashi saw that look, he nearly came to the conclusion that every time he saw it, the previous person who used it has to die, or a death has to occur, or something along those lines. The fact that this thought didn't really seem to make sense was what kept him from making any conclusion at all, except that perhaps only wise people—or, at least, people wiser than him—gave him this look.
ANBU missions were always tough no matter how skilled you were, and when he finally had come back from his latest one, he wanted nothing more than to wash up and collapse on the bed. The apartment was dead still, without a sign of Rin anywhere, but he didn't think anything of it as he showered and slumped over to the bed alone, only a little perturbed by her not being present to share the bed with. Figuring that she had simply still been on her mission, he fell into the sheets, thinking that it'd be nice if he woke up with her passed out in it with him.
Unfortunately, he was still very much alone and sprawled through the sheets when a knock from the door echoed out through the too-quiet apartment. He begrudgingly pulled himself up and threw something on, all the while the echoing knocks banging through the walls. "I'm coming." He pulled his mask up.
When he finally pulled the door open, lazily scratching his head and still trying to wake up, he raised a brow in question. It was Tenzo, still in his ANBU uniform, but his mask pushed off to the side. He looked like he just came from a mission, because he was dirty, mud caked onto his sandals, and he looked bruised. There was a spray of dried blood on him, but Kakashi figured from the impact spatter pattern that it wasn't his, and more likely from an opponent.
"Kakashi-senpai…" Tenzo gave Kakashi the most defeated and frightened look he'd ever seen on the young man's face, and that was damn well saying something.
"Tenzo…" Kakashi rubbed his eyes and cringed, thinking that the bright sun was agitating them. He kept one hand over the Sharingan eye at the moment."What is it?"
Tenzo opened his mouth in attempt to say something, but quickly shut it again and swallowed hard. If this weren't enough to strike Kakashi that there was something wrong, all doubt to the contrary was washed aside when Tenzo's eyes fell to avoid Kakashi's, then screwed them closed, tight, and clenched his jaw so hard that Kakashi could see his teeth grind.
"You… you need to come to the Hogake Tower," he choked out. Now he looked markedly away from Kakashi with a pained expression.
"All right." Kakashi stepped back a moment, quietly watching Tenzo to see if he'd offer anything other information. He didn't, and Kakashi sighed in exasperation. "Give me a moment to get dressed."
When he put on standard jounin clothes to see Sandaime, the two walked quietly towards the Hokage's office. Kakashi more than once looked over at Tenzo, but Tenzo seemed absorbed and distracted. The pained face was still there. His brows furrowed and sweat poured down his temple. At times, he held his hand over his mouth, almost looking ill. Kakashi wondered what could have happened to make him act this way, since Tenzo had no doubt seen horrible things while he was an experiment of Orochimaru's.
"You don't look like you're well. You should go to the hospital and get checked out. I can go to see the Hokage alone."
He jumped at the sound of Kakashi's voice and looked at him like he'd forgotten Kakashi was walking with him, then took just as long to realize that Kakashi was talking to him. Then he gulped and shook his head with hesitance, like he wanted to do as Kakashi said but knew better than to do it. "N-no, I'm fine, Kakashi-senpai. My injuries are minor and I'm not sick." He paused and shook his head again, and said, more to himself than Kakashi, "I need to at least come with you for this."
Now it was to the point that Kakashi could barely control his own wondering brain and curiosity, and in the rest of the silence as they walked, he barraged his head to figure out what had gotten Tenzo to act like this if it wasn't his health. He tried to think of who might have been on Tenzo's team. Uzuki Yugao? The two were rarely on the same team unless Kakashi was the captain of the cell. Who was the captain? He doubted it was Ibiki since the two were rarely on interrogation missions.
He remembered hearing something about a hunter-nin working with the ANBU on a mission, but they rarely take leadership position when they work with ANBU cells. Half the time there's a medic-nin captain when working with hunter-nin. Whatever cell the hunter-nin worked with, there was a decent chance the captain of that mission was Rin. So if Tenzo was on that team…
"Was Rin your captain, Tenzo?"
"Yagami-senpai?" He answered with a quiver of fear, but at least he didn't seem surprised that Kakashi was still walking with him. He looked like he was about to answer, but he saw they were almost at the Hokage's office now, and he just sighed instead.
At this point, Tenzo looked reluctant to push open the doors, so Kakashi did it, and they walked in, bringing the Sandaime's eyes up from the scroll he was inscribing. At first he looked almost annoyed at the intrusion, and he pulled out the pipe that he seemed to have been enjoying some tobacco from. But when he saw who had entered, his face had immediately changed into the soft, mourning look that only someone of his age could gain.
"Tenzo, Kakashi… Tenzo, have you told him yet?"
Kakashi's stomach sank at such speed that he felt he had vertigo for a moment. The short wooziness was quickly replaced with a gnawing dread in the pit of his abdomen where his stomach used to be.
"No… I haven't, Hokage-sama." Tenzo bowed down with a defeated shudder.
Sarutobi nodded. "I see. This sort of thing is difficult, and you've never had to do it before. Very well, you're dismissed, Tenzo. Kakashi, take a seat."
Tenzo did as he was told after a long pause and a shaking bow, but Kakashi remained standing, quite suddenly looking lost and awkward, as if he'd never been in the Hokage's office before.
"Sit, Kakashi," Sandaime said again, and this time the order was heard.
The Hokage was in silent contemplation for three grueling seconds, a time that Kakashi's mind managed to fill with a silent two-sided argument between Hope and Logic. It would have been a long argument, because Hope could rationalize and Logic had a short temper, but both of them shut up immediately when Sandaime said, "I'm sorry."
"Hokage-sama?"
"I'm sorry. Yagami Rin has been killed during her mission."
A long silence reigned after that. Sandaime looked onto Kakashi with patience, his hands folded, waiting. Kakashi almost wondered what he was waiting for when the Sharingan started to leak into his headband. An incorporeal pain from unknown origin sent a long shock into his body, and his heart its squeezed blood out and didn't let more in. He gripped into his leg, bit into his lip, clenched his open eye… anything to keep from falling somewhere he didn't want to go, somewhere dark and unknown that he was sure his father had welcomed. His body shook from his over-flexed muscles that fought to keep control, as if you can fight off inner demons physically.
When the feeling finally subsided, he slumped into the chair with a gasp, as if rejoining the living. His whole body ached with the constant strain and the tears had soaked through the headband and were now dripping down the slight bit of cheek before being absorbed by the mask. The mask was damp as well. Kakashi wondered how long he'd been in the state to have soaked so far.
"What… how did it happen, Hokage-sama?"
"She was captain in a team assigned to neutralize a missing-nin and his actions, and had a hunter-nin to help with this purpose. The mission was a success without any other casualties in the team, which was apparently her intention. The target was killed in combat before he could exact further harm on the other teammates."
"Her death?"
"It wasn't short or painless, I regret. She died in combat with him, and the two had almost literally picked each other apart. Rin survived her wounds longer and was able to take care of any of his allies, so the battle was theirs with her efforts, but at a high cost. Her official death would be from complications resulting from trauma and blood loss. The hunter-nin took charge of her body, and because of the red tape, I can't give you her ashes."
"Will her name be inscribed on the memorial then?"
The old man shook his head. "No. Not yet, anyway. There are strange questions that the hunter-nin are proposing, which is the nature of why I can't sanction that or giving her ashes to you, nor can I allow a grave marker or even a funeral for her."
"You can't? Why?"
"I'm sorry. I wish I could allow it, or at least explain why. It has to do with her clan, so there's a lot of tangle."
"Her clan." He repeated. Damned well figured there was something with her clan in this mess to keep him from not knowing anything.
"You must understand, Kakashi, this is above my head. It has to do with a lot of things, the council included. The final decision on this was by ANBU officials."
"Just how deep is this? The ANBU? The council? The hunter-nin? Everybody but you?"
"It might seem like that on your side, Kakashi, but it's just complicated. I really do wish I could tell you." The old man sadly looked down onto his desk and shook his head. "I might be telling more than I should as it is."
There was a pause. "Hokage-sama, I'd like to quit ANBU."
"Kakashi, this isn't the time to make that sort of decision…"
"I mean it, Hokage-sama. Please. I won't have any trouble with normal missions for now. I have a good amount in savings that Rin… that Rin and I started a while ago to hold me over until I even things out. We were saving money so that…" He trailed off into silence again. The Hokage let him have his silence and waited.
"Hokage-sama, I… is it possible that… Rin is still alive?"
The question sounded childish to even Kakashi, so he wasn't surprised when the same wide eyes and low mouth struck across Sarutobi's face just as it did Rin's and Yagami-san's. "Of course not, Kakashi! I—" He stopped, broke into a grin, then covered his face with an embarrassed look. "I shouldn't be talking like that in this situation, should I?"
"I'm not upset by it, Hokage-sama. It was a silly question, but… I couldn't help but ask it."
"I understand. It wasn't silly. Not at all. Doubt is common. You are dismissed, Kakashi. I will put word of your resignation, and you will be relieved of duty for a while." He thought for a moment and said, "Before you go… this might not be the best time… but might I make a request of you?"
"Hai, Hokage-sama?"
"Now that you've decided to quit ANBU, I would like you to become a jounin teacher for potential genin teams that come from the academy. I think you would be well suited for it."
"I…I will consider it. Thank you."
.-.-.-.
That look is not limited to anybody, Kakashi learned. In fact, the first time he received it might have been from a parent, when he was too young to remember the stupid logic he had as a child. And it wasn't necessarily a rare look, either. He noticed it frequently if a child proclaims that mushrooms are shaped like umbrellas because they grow in damp places, or some similar phrase or question.
The look started to infect him, as well. Or rather, he noticed himself doing it when he started teaching his genin team… especially because of Naruto. Maybe Minato had done it as well, and he just didn't recall it so well. But he also noticed something else…
About half the time he gave that look himself and shouted an answer, he was, about half the time, lying. The reasons tended to be either because it'd be easier to say that to not explain the whole deal right there, and sometimes he simply couldn't tell the real answer, because he'd either honestly not know it or would not be permitted to do so.
And it made him wonder.
I want you guys to know how painful it was for me to write the corny-as-all-get proposal scene. If I weren't aiming for satire, I would have found a way to reach into my monitor, pull that page out, and crumple it up and throw it away.
If you were a fan of "Discolored Hands" and expecting this to be in the same line, I'm sorry. Rin's account of death differs from that fic, so don't consider it a sequel. (On that note, I'm still interested in people's opinions about continuing "Discolored Hands", so if you have an opinion on it, please go to my profile page and vote in the poll.)