So.This is my homework.
For english.
Shit. "english" should be "English."

Okay there.
This is my English homework.
We were told to tell about ourselves in less than a thousand words.
I can do that with only one word.
Awesome.

See?
There, I'm done.
No wait.
That stupid paper clip says I misspelled English.
Just because it is lowercase.

Fuck that paper clip.
Who does he think he is?
No stupid pixel paper clip is going to tell me I'm wrong.

I guess I should continue with the assignment. Yeah. I should.
But I can't because my friend David won't shut up.
"Jack, you're going to fail if you write like that," is what he is saying. He is reading over my shoulder.
"Shut up, you prick. Leave me alone," is what I just said.

Now he is grumbling and raiding my fridge.
I hate it when he does that.It looks like he is stealing some leftover Chinese food.
"Don't eat that!" I just yelled.

I do not want my friend David to eat that food because I am really hungry.
David set the microwave to two minutes. He is laughing at me. I am giving him the finger. He is frowning.
Anyways, since I am starving and have nothing better to do, I might as well write.

Oh, wait a minute. The paper clip says I should save the document.
I just typed "GO FUCK YOUR MOM" in his little question box.
He isn't responding.
But I saved the document anyways.
I titled it "Paper Clips Are Useless and Should Burn in Hell"

Geez, I'm off on a tangent.
Okay.
Here we go.

I am Jack. My last name is Kelly.
You already know this because you have me on your attendance list.
Still.

Argh, let me start over.
(The bastard paper clip says "geez" and "argh" are not real words. They appear to be bleeding. Oh, David just says that they are red lines of correction. Screw that.)

Ahem.
I am Jack Kelly. I am seventeen years old. Or…17.
"David, should I spell seventeen with numbers or letters?" I hollered a second ago.
He thinks I should spell it.

So I'm seventeen. I am a senior. I have blondish-brown hair. I am fairly tall. My birthday is on January 30th. I am informing you about this because I expect a cupcake to be on my desk on my birthday. God, I'd kill for a cupcake right now. David is taunting me with the Chinese food. I honestly do not know why I let him over here.

I guess it is because he is my best friend. Plus his sister and I are going out, so I have to be nice to him, or else she will get mad at me. When she gets mad, she ignores me and hangs out with my other friend, Spot. His real name is Gabriel, but we call Spot because…I don't really know. We just call him that.

My other friends have nicknames too. Mine is Cowboy. They call me that because I love Santa Fe. Which is a city in New Mexico. I wonder why they call it New Mexico. Is there an Old Mexico? Or is Mexico considered Old Mexico? I'm asking David, so you will have to wait a moment.

He says he does not know why it is called New Mexico. Oh well.

I also have a newspaper route. So do most of my friends.
We wake up at 5:30 am every morning to deliver them.
It is usually still dark out at that time.
Actually, it is always dark out (hey, did you know "ctrl" plus "i" makes words become italic?)
Unless there is some nuclear gas polluting the air, which I have yet to see.
That would be really sweet.

David is reading over my shoulder again. He and I are sa;fijfasljd'laskjdskjfafasda;lk;iyo8ioykhn9iy90
Fighting for the keyboard.
That is why the last sentence was messed up.
I hate it asldj;sapjsadpofjdslfkj'pdosjf
I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT.

Jack is a butt. He smells. He should

Lkjhdfhfd;oiihoasoidhasnkda

Okay. I got the keyboard back from David. By the way, I am not in any way an anus. I believe I smell nice, too. Like Old Spice Red Zone.

Let me check the word count real quick.
718 words. Or seven hundred eighteen words.

ALRIGHT. ONLY A FEW WORDS AWAY.

MY DAD IS IN PRISON FOR MAKING COUNTERFIET MONEY.
Whoa. Caps lock. Perhaps I'll keep it on.
MY MOM IS DEAD. SHE DIED WHEN I WAS SEVEN. SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH TO MY BABY BROTHER. SHE WENT INTO SHOCK AND DIED. MY DAD WAS UPSET. MY BABY BROTHER WAS PUT UP FOR ADOPTION. WHICH WAS STUPID, BUT SOCIAL SERVICES SAID MY DAD WAS NOT MAKING ENOUGH MONEY TO TAKE CARE OF HIM. OUR HOUSE WAS ALSO A PIECE OF SHIT.

MY BROTHER'S NAME IS LES. IRONICALLY, HE WAS ADOPTED BY DAVID' S FAMILY. I WAS NOT AWARE OF THIS UNTIL A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO. SO IN A WAY, DAVID IS MY BROTHER TOO. EXCEPT NOT GENETICALLY. NEVERMIND THEN. DAVID IS NOT MY BROTHER.

NEITHER IS LES. I LIED. MY MOM DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

I am no longer going to use caps lock.

David is now watching some stupid Disney Channel movie on TV.
It is called High School Musical.
It seems gay.
The director is some guy named Kenny Ortega.
I bet he is a pedophile.
I have 910 words now. Time to finish up.

I mentioned my newspaper route a few paragraphs ago. One day the guy who owns the paper lowered our pay. We got pissed. We went on strike. Which is pointless because most people get their papers home delivered. So along the strike, we went into stores and stole the papers. We also stole papers off people's doorsteps. The guy who runs our newspaper got very mad. He called the cop and most of us got arrested. It wasn't that bad. Jail, I mean. Or, juvie. I've been there before. Nothing new.

LOOK AT THAT 1010 WORDS. I AM DONE.

I think I'll go watch that queer movie with David. Just to make fun of him for watching it. Yeah.

The end.
Sincerely, Jack.
Exit Cowboy.
1046 words.

This is the first chapter in a small series thingie. Each chapter will be a form of writing from one of the newsies. Up next is David's college application. Oh, and this chapter was inspired by a book called The Year Of Secret Assignments.