Chapter 1/?

I stare at her, not knowing what to say. She stares back, and it makes me uncomfortable.

Then she breaks the silence. "Shane, don't do this."

Her voice is steady, but I see the pain in her eyes. But its nothing compared to the pain I'm feeling. Not that I'll show it. "I'm sorry." It sounds hollow. It isn't, but she thinks it is.

"How can you do this to me, after everything we've been through?"

I avoid her eyes. I will only lose myself if I look into them, the little control that I have left.

She speaks again. "I don't want you to go."

I close my eyes. "I don't want to go," I whisper. Its the truth.

"Then don't. Stay here, with me."

I sigh softly. "I can't."

She's angry, I can feel it. I'm still avoiding her eyes. She tries to touch my shoulder, but I move away. I don't have the strength to let her touch me, we both know that I'll lose control if she does.

"Why? Why do you always run?"

I shrug. "I can't commit, you know that."

She knows it too well. "Shane, I lo-"

"No. Don't say it."

She closes her eyes and the tears stream over her cheeks. I want to wipe them away, but instead I turn my back on her. "I really am sorry. But I can't do this. You have to move on, Carmen."

"Maybe I don't want to," she says.

I walk out of the house, and I don't look back until I'm in my old pick-up.

She's looking at me through the window. She's still crying. I can read the words on her lips.

"I love you too," I whisper. "That's why I'm leaving."

She turns away, and I don't know if she knows what I said. But it doesn't matter. I'm already gone.

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Its been five years. The first year was torture. The second was agony. The third and fourth was lonely. The fifth, numb.

I walked into the Planet, searching for a familliar face. They wouldn't recognize me, but I'd know them if I saw them.

I got in line and ordered a coffee, scanning the crowd.

Here and there were faces I knew, but I decided to keep to myself for the time being. I grabbed my coffee and made myself comfortable at an empty table. It felt weird being back, after being out of touch for so long.

I watched the people, and smiled to myself when I saw Alice. She was chatting animatedly on her phone. Some things never change, I noted.

"Mind if I join you?"

I glanced at the redhead who spoke to me. "Not really."

She smiled at me. "I'm Jessica."

"Shane," I said, still scanning the crowd.

"Are you looking for someone? Or something?" Jessica asked, winking.

I shook my head. I wasn't in the mood for conversation.

Jessica winked at me again. "You'll be surprised at what you can find when you aren't looking."

Before I could reply, I heard an achingly familiar voice. But it wasn't calling my name.

"Jess! There you are!"

I ducked my head, not daring to look up.

"Hey babe," Jessica said. "You're early."

I heard the scraping of a chair being pulled out. I held my breath, waiting for the inevitable.

"I got here like ten minutes ago! Who's your friend?"

Jessica nudged my foot under the table. "That's Shane. She's not much of a talker."

I felt her eyes on me. Curious eyes. I could only imagine what must be going through her head.

"Hey," she said. "I'm Alice."

I looked up. "Yeah, I know."

"Oh my God! Holy shit! Shane?"

I nodded indifferently. "That's my name."

Alice jumped out of her seat and hugged me tightly. "When did you get back? How are you? Where have you been? Where are you staying? Are you staying? Have you seen Carmen?"

I stiffened. "She's still here?"

Alice pulled back instantly. "Oh God, Shane I'm sorry!"

I clenched my fist. "Its all good."

"It still hurts, doesn't it?" Alice asked.

I nodded, not really trusting my voice.

"Shaney, do you want to see her?"

Jessica watched us with interest, obviously confused as to how we knew each other.

"No, I didn't come here to see her. I'm here for business," I said coldly.

Alice sighed. "You haven't changed much, have you? I can still read you like a book. You hurt her so bad, she's stopped DJ'ing."

My head snapped up. "She doesn't DJ anymore?"

"No, she cancelled everything after you left. She's been really depressed."

"What is she doing now?"

Alice shrugged. "I don't really know. We see her from time to time, but I think she avoids us."

I groaned softly. "This is all my fault."

"You'll fix it, Shaney. You love her, don't you?" Alice grinned at me.

"Yeah, I do love her. But I left, and I don't think she'd want to see me."

Alice gave my hand a sympathetic pat. "You are Shane McCutcheon, you can do anything."

TBC