Outside the Circle
When I was twelve, Donatello totally gave me my first boner.
We were kinda exploring, you know, the way kids do? Touching each other in those places that Master Splinter said were private. Private doesn't mean keep them away from your brother's right? That's just for strangers.
Don wanted to know if my parts worked the same as his; he's always been like that, just too damn curious for his own good. Me, I just liked the way it felt to have his hands rubbing up and down on my plastron, especially since all I had to do was just lay there.
He has the most delicate touch I've ever felt. It was sending shivers down my spine before he even got anywhere near the good stuff. And speaking of the goods, that package was trying to make its escape without any help from my hands.
Completely freaked me out. Like, if I have to pee, I pull it out myself and do my business; then tuck it back in. It never acted like it had a mind of its own before. And my tail was going crazy! I had absolutely no control over any of it.
Don just had his head tilted to the side and that studious look on his face that he gets when he's really fascinated by something. He rested his palm on my lower plastron where it was starting to bulge out, and reached down with his other hand to grab my wiggling tail.
I know I yelped. He looked up at me very seriously and said, "Shh, Mikey. You're going to wake everybody up."
I had to put my hand over my mouth after that, because all kinds of noises were trying to come out, including this really strange one from deep in my chest. Don said I was churring. He said turtles do that when they're excited. How did he always know everything?
That hand on my tail was squeezing and pulling; I think he was trying to see if he could hold it still. It just made me all tingly in the bottom half of my body, and I was having a hard time breathing. It didn't help that my fist was stuffed in my mouth so I could stay quiet, just like he told me to.
My penis was starting to peep out and I could feel Donny's warm hand on top of it. I think he noticed it finally then too, 'cause he turned his attention from my tail to my slit and started rubbing up and down on the part of my shaft that was showing.
That's seriously all it took for me to drop down. I know my eyes were as big as saucers when I looked down at myself and saw how huge I was. He was touching me; circling my shaft with his thumb and first finger like he was measuring me, going from base to tip and just inspecting every inch of my penis.
He looked at me finally and nodded, telling me our 'cocks' were similar in size and shape. Master Splinter never called it that when he was telling us the names of our body parts, but Don said that was another word for it; along with dick. He said I shouldn't ever refer to it as anything but penis in front of Master Splinter though, 'cause our father expected us to say things in a certain way, and Don's new words weren't acceptable.
The whole time he was explaining this, his hand was stroking me and I barely understood a word 'cause it felt really, really good. I didn't know if it was supposed to stand up like that, or fill up the way it had; all I knew was that something was about to happen.
I told Don I was gonna pee if he didn't stop. He shook his head and said I wouldn't, that I would ejaculate. He said that was a different thing that guys did and that's how they made babies. It was all very confusing and actually, I didn't really care. I just wanted him to keep going 'cause I was getting all twitchy and my penis was kinda throbbing.
I didn't need to worry actually, it was pretty obvious he wasn't gonna stop. Don wanted to see it happen; he wanted to see me come. That's what he said; that when I had an 'orgasm' my ejaculate was called 'come'. By then I was moaning in spite of my hand in my mouth and my hips were jumping up and down like crazy.
The entire time these weird and exciting feelings were rolling over me, Don still had that same look of curiosity, like he wasn't emotionally involved in the process at all. His head was down close to my penis and he was staring at the tip. I swear he didn't blink the whole time.
When I was twelve, Donatello totally gave me my first orgasm.
All I could think about as I lay there panting and shuddering was that when we grew up, I was gonna marry Don.
At eighteen, Leo, Raph and I all felt that way about Donatello. We loved him so much, and we were desperate for him to join the three of us in sharing everything with each other, including the physical part of a loving relationship.
The problem was that Donny didn't feel the same way about us.
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I was very close to Raphael when we were children, but I was even closer to Donatello.
He was my confidant; I could tell him anything and I knew it would never go any further. He had a gift for getting me to dig deep inside of myself to find solutions to problems that I didn't think I could solve.
I was quite young when I realized that I wanted to lead our team and that bushido was my true calling. Raph wasn't happy that I began to train so much harder than anyone else, but Don encouraged me. He told me that when you knew your true calling, you had to answer. I liked the way that sounded.
When we all moved from the bo staff to other weapons, Don didn't. He said that the bo suited his personality and he didn't need to search any further. I'd have to say he was correct; he does cross-train with other weapons, but he's not very good with them. With the bo he is a true master.
That's the one thing in practice that can stop me in the middle of a kata; seeing Don working with his bo. There is a beautiful fluidity to his movements that I've not even seen Master Splinter accomplish. On top of that is the pure power he possesses. It takes a strong pair of arms and steel cable wrists to whip that heavy wooden staff around and back the way he does.
He can back any of us up in practice when he truly has his mind on his task. I can't get close to him with my katanas; his reach is superior and he moves as fast as I. Raph stopped thinking of Don as a pushover years ago. A few well-placed lumps from the bo staff to that hot head's cranium knocked the idea right out of him.
Don works very hard for me. He told me he saw my aura when I was young and knew that I would be a great leader. His job was to follow every command to the best of his ability and he does exactly that. He is the one team member I can always count on to do what he's told without fail and without question.
He is completely non-judgmental when we discuss a battle after it has been fought. I often second guess myself, but he tells me that is pointless. Don says that rather than beating myself up for what I did wrong, I should study what I did right and learn from both of those things.
I find it to be very soothing to be around Donatello. He is calm, intelligent, compliant and gentle. For a number of years now I've imagined how making love to him would be; a slow melding of our minds linking us on a meditative level while I slid into his body. I could imagine our love making could last for hours, so sweet and hot.
Imagine is all I've done. While Raph, Mikey and I have found a rhythm that takes care of our desires, we cannot persuade Donatello to join us. No matter how many conversations I have had with him on the subject, he is adamant about his unwillingness to take that step.
I worry that our team dynamics will be hurt by his refusal, but I can't order him or force him into something he isn't interested in doing. So while three of us enjoy a physically fulfilling relationship, Don remains the lone hold-out, content to observe from the sidelines.
I wish I were as content as he appears to be. Even though I have that kind of love with two of my brothers, Donatello is the one I most often think about.
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That olive green skin is so fucking enticing I want to lick and bite at it for hours.
I've pretty much always felt that way about Donatello's skin. He has the fewest scars, the fewest blemishes of any of us because he's so damn good with that bo staff. His smooth plastron and nearly perfect carapace drive me out of my head.
Shell, even before we were out in the world above the sewers and getting into fights with bad guys I had a thing for Don's body. Sometimes I'd find myself staring at him and my hands would be flexing unconsciously 'cause they wanted so badly ta just touch him.
I can't even describe what his touch does ta me. One of the reasons I'm such a big jerk about letting him patch me up after a fight is 'cause his fingers on my body, even when he's pulling a fucking needle through my skin, makes my dick so hard it feels like it's gonna fall off.
I gotta say that I thought a lot about sex when I was a pre-teen; don't know why I got in touch with my sexuality so much sooner than the other guys, I just did. I'd watch a television show with a pretty girl in it, next thing I'd be in the bathroom taking care of a woody.
Only while I was jerking off I wasn't thinking about the girl in the show, I was thinking about Donatello.
I would imagine him lying under me, moaning and writhing while I pounded into his luscious olive green body. I could fucking hear him calling my name in my imagination; telling me 'harder Raph, faster Raphael'.
Yeah. Always got me off too. Fucking hot ass Donatello. The untouchable.
Mikey and me got together first. He walked in on me masturbating one night after I thought everyone else was asleep. I was in the bathroom doing my business 'cause it was a lot less messy than taking care of that particular need while swinging around in my hammock.
Turns out, Mikey had the same idea. Don't know what got him so excited, but he burst through the bathroom door with his dick in his hand. He was already stroking himself, the little shit. One thing about Mikey, you better be ready to go all the way if you get him started, 'cause he doesn't have a cut-off switch.
Both of us just stared at each other for a minute, our cocks out hard and heavy in our hands, and then Mikey grinned. That grin was the 'I just got an idea' one I've seen on his face millions of times, and it doesn't usually bode well. But this time his idea was fucking great.
He said we should jerk each other off. If he was embarrassed, he didn't show it. All I saw was an open, eager face just before his scent knocked the breath right out of me.
I couldn't even talk at that point; I just grabbed the back of his head and pulled him into a kiss that was all tongue and teeth. He was enjoying it judging from the sounds he was making, and without another word his hand was wrapped around my hard-on.
After that night, things just built up until we were sleeping together almost every night. We were trying to hide what we were doing, but I guess we weren't so good at that 'cause one evening Leo burst in on us and said if the volume got any louder the next one through the door was gonna be Master Splinter.
I don't know how it happened, but the next thing I knew, Leo was in bed with us. That had ta be Mikey's doing, 'cause I know I was trying ta think of a great new way ta tell Leo ta fuck off. I'm really glad I didn't. Mikey is major kicks and kink, but Leo is all intensity and heat. Gods, I fucking love it when all three of us are knotted up together.
The only thing that would make it perfect is Donatello. I still dream about him and I still wake up hard and needy. I could have already done it with both Mikey and Leo and still I'll have a fucking wet dream about Donny.
Do I want him so much because I can't have him? Is it a competitive thing with Leo? I know Leo wants him as bad as I do. We've both talked to Don, pleading our cases, but he calmly tells us both no. It got so bad at one point that he pulled us both into his lab one afternoon and said that while he had no problem with the choices we'd made, he would not put up with us competing over him.
Don told us that he was not going to be joining us in our incestuous relationship, not because he disapproved of it, but because he wasn't interested. As calmly as though he was explaining how to turn on the microwave he lectured us on not letting our sexual preferences interfere with our ability to function as a family and a team.
The voice of cold, calm reason happens ta be as smooth as silk and one of the most sensuous sounds I've ever heard in my whole life.
I wish ta hell he was a little more flexible.
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I know what my brothers want from me and I know that their giving that to each other is deeply satisfying to them. I am just not inclined that way.
I've tried to imagine having sex with each of them, and my mind turns away from the visual before it gets much further than a kiss. The concept is a dead weight in my gut. I simply do not become sexually aroused by my siblings.
That isn't to say I'm completely asexual; I have normal physical reactions to certain stimuli. It just so happens that I prefer women.
The fact that I am probably going to spend my life completely unfulfilled hasn't been able to change my preference. Looking at my brothers does nothing for me whatsoever, but the sight of a comely woman, especially one with well-developed breasts, causes me to have an immediate and sometimes painful erection.
We've met a number of beautiful women over the years; April, Sydney, Renet and Jhanna just to name a few. Mostly I find them intoxicating to be around; their hair, their hips, the soft mouth and perfect breasts, the finely molded buttocks and shapely legs are a massive turn-on for me. I can hold out hope that someday I'll meet a woman who can look past my appearance and find me attractive enough to bed.
I still have Jhanna's ponytail. None of my brothers know she left that memento on my chest while I slept. When I need a physical release, I often take that braided ponytail out from its hiding place and run it across my face whilst I masturbate. I can see her in my mind's eye and imagine what we might have become if she hadn't needed to return to her own home world.
I know my brothers want me to join them and I truly wish that I could. I feel very left out because I can't share this with the three of them. I know they've progressed to another level and I've been left behind, but I can't help that. I am who I am. It would be unfair to all of us if I were to attempt to fake something that I don't feel.
Sleeping in my lab helps a lot. In the lab the white noise of my machines and the fact that it's farther from the bedrooms helps to eradicate the sounds that their lovemaking produces. There is nothing I can do to block the way they look at each other, or the touching that occurs within my sight. I can't ask that they not indulge in those things, it is my choice not to be a part of it and it wouldn't be right for me to insist that they temper their feelings to suit mine.
I must live on this little island that I've swamped myself upon, and hope that it doesn't close me off too much from them. I love my brothers dearly and want to be close to them. I'm afraid that they are learning to deal with their radically different relationships to one another and may forget how to be a simple brother to me.
Master Splinter tries to help me as much as he can, and we meditate together often. I know this was something he feared might happen; that one of us would be cut off from the others because of a different mindset. I've tried to assure him that I'm not lost to them, nor are they lost to me, but I fear the words might be hollow.
For now, I have my computers and the constant work that maintaining our underground home requires to keep my mind and hands busy. Sometimes I dream about having someone to hold in the middle of the night and I wake up with tears in my eyes. In the morning I can tell that Leo, Raph and Mikey have been together from the bright and happy look on their faces and I will not begrudge them that.
I can only hope that they do not leave me too far behind.