So the usual disclaimer; I don't own South Park, or any related characters.

And I guess the only notice I ought to give you, is that there's a lot of sexual references, but no actual sex (I know, a story without sex from my warped little mind? Promise it'll be worth it.)

"Oh come on..."

Vicki grumbled as she banged on the outhouse door. Kenny had been in their for ages. Well, probably more like three minutes, but it felt like ages when you'd drank a two litre of diet coke and really, really needed to take a piss. "Goddamnit, Ken; quit jacking off in there!"

"Hey, this is me you're talking to; not Kyle. I can't remember the last time I needed to beat my meat."

Hearing the seat go down, she jumped out of the way just as the door flung open. "I offered to build this thing as a double." He reminded her, wrapping his arms around her waist. "And you said not to waste the lumber."

"Because at the time we weren't living out here full time." Vicki reminded her boyfriend, slipping out of his arms and into the shit shack.

"Annoying, beautiful man..." After seven years together, some things had changed, but a lot had stayed the same. Kenny had given up on school, and gotten a job working as a mechanic at the town garage. After his dad had died, Carol had signed over Kenny's guardianship to him—a mutual emancipation or something—and they'd more or less moved out of the McCormick house entirely. Kevin was off the grid, calling from pay phones when he needed Kenny to help him deal with his dealers.

But they still hung out with Stan, Kyle, Wendy, Bebe and Butters. They still went over to Stan's to play video games, and Kyle's to let Sheila go on and on about them being too thin, while shoving kosher meats and breads down their throats. And Wendy and Stan were still together, even though Kyle and Bebe weren't.

Settling down on the seat, Vicki held up the slim stick-thing that was the whole reason she'd drank two litres of pop in the first place. You never needed to pee when you wanted to take a pregnancy test. It wasn't her first one—she'd used one that time the condom broke. But that had been precautionary. This...

Peeing on the stick, she placed it off to the side to wait for the results. This time she was late, and she didn't want to tell Kenny until she knew, because he was bound to freak out; good or bad. Why wind him up when it was likely just a fluctuation? After all, the thing had only come out that one night before they'd gone back to rubber...

Ah, who was she kidding? This was exactly the type of thing that idiot Dr. Doctor had warned her about when she decided not to go on the pill. Picking up the test to check, Vicki stared intently at the little pink plus sign. "Shit."

She stuffed the test back into her pocket, and shuffled back through the light snow to the tree house. It was mid-March, and if it hadn't been for a few space heaters, and a sketchy electrical line Jimbo had helped them install, they would probably had frozen their asses off sometime in early November. But luckily, she only had to chill a few seconds before she was back up into the warmth of their 'home'.

"Ken?"

He looked up from the repair manual he'd been reading. "Yeah?"

She flopped down on the bed beside him, mattress creaking in protest. "Remember how we were talking a couple of nights ago about family, and what we'd name our kids?"

"Yeah..." Damnit, why did he have to look so clueless?

"And remember how the IUD came out on Valentine's day night when we were 'celebrating'?"

"Vicki, what are you getting at?"

She resisted the urge to face-palm. "Start thinking of baby names."

Blue eyes widened to about the size of saucers. "No way..."

"Yeah way."

"You're really... we're gonna be parents?"

"Yes."

Kenny's face was so filled with wonder and joy she couldn't help it; she started to feel a little excited about it herself. "I'm gonna be a dad!" He shouted, and leaning over, he placed a hand on her flat stomach. "And I'm gonna be a better dad than either of their grandpas were. I'll kill myself before I become a dead-beat or un-involved. I'm gonna be there."

Vicki pulled her boyfriend up level with her face. "Of course you will be." She kissed him. "You can't be any worse than Stuart, anyways."

He nodded, absently stroking where they knew the little fetus was growing inside her. "The only way I could be worse than Dad, would be if I was like Kevin. And I am never gonna be a heroin addict—I promise."

She held up the arm that wasn't around his neck, and watched the promise ring glint in the Saturday afternoon light. "And you are really amazing at keeping you promises. I know that."

"I'll keep this one too."

ЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖ You took my hand you showed me how ЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖ

Kyle was busy studying Intro Calculus when Stan, Wendy, Bebe, Kenny and Vicki came bursting into his room, scaring the shit out of him. "JESUS YOU GUYS—LEARN TO KNOCK!"

Bebe smiled at him innocently. "But your door was half open. And your mom already gave us the usual 'if Kyle's door is closed, he's probably spanking the monkey' lecture she always does. Not that it really matters. The only one of us who hasn't seen your junk at some point is Wendy."

He thought about attacking his ex-girlfriend, and opted to let it go instead. "Why the Hell did you all have to come over here anyways?"

They all turned to look at Vicki, who was grinning sheepishly. "Well...Kenny and I have some news. We're...I'm pregnant."

Kyle felt like the bottom had dropped out of his stomach. "You're pregnant?"

"About a month. I still need to confirm it with the doctor, but Bebe showed up at the tree house, and then she dragged us over to tell Stan and Wendy..."

"And they're going to get married in August!" Bebe added excitedly. "Oh, I always wanted to do a summer wedding... this is gonna be better than the promise ceremony!"

"Yeah..." They were all beaming at him, expecting him to be just as happy for Vicki and Kenny as they were. But he couldn't help feeling a little... He still hadn't quite let his hope for a chance with Vicki die, and this announcement really put out that last little flame. Hope is the worst of all evils, for it prolongs the torment of man. No shit, Nietzsche.

Vicki gave the others a look, and they cleared out, leaving the two of them alone. Sitting on Kyle's bed, she gave him that 'tell me what it is' look. The one he never could resist. "So this is really it; no more chances."

"No more chances." She agreed. "Not that there were a lot of them to start with."

He couldn't help but smile at that. "I know. I don't think I ever really had one at all. But I thought I did, and so I kinda kept hoping."

"That's what makes hope a bitch."

"The biggest bitch of them all."

Getting up, Vicki hugged Kyle tightly. "I didn't want to say anything in front of Stan and Wendy, but Kenny and I are planning on naming you and Bebe as godparents."

That was a bit of a surprise. "Me and Bebe as godparents? But why not—?"

"If we asked Wendy, we'd have to ask Stan, and as much as I like Stan, and he's an awesome friend, he's not my best friend. And Kenny's already decided not to argue with the pregnant girl."

Funny, because she didn't look pregnant yet. Kyle knew that it had to be pretty early, but still... She looked like regular Vicki; all soft, firm curves and long lean limbs. But if she was pregnant, that would change. Then everything would change. He'd be a godfather...

"What does a godfather do exactly anyways?"

Vicki shrugged. "I think originally godparents were supposed to teach the kid about God. But seeing as Kenny knows God, and I'm a heretic, and you're a Jew... Really, all you're supposed to do is take care of the kid if something happens to Kenny and I."

He couldn't help feeling a little freaked out by the idea. "Vicki—I don't know how to take care of a kid. I'm a kid." Well, he'd be an adult in May, but the point was he wasn't responsible like an adult yet.

"You don't need to worry, Kyle. Kenny and I aren't planning on going anywhere. Well, Ken might die, but he lives on a cosmic yo-yo. But we're gonna be fine for the next little while, so don't worry about it yet. Besides, it would be you and Bebe splitting the responsibility."

"You know that just because Bebe and I are still friends, doesn't mean we would be able to raise a kid together."

She shook her head a bit at him. "Kyle; nothing is going to happen to Kenny and I."

Kyle reminded himself that they'd all said things like that to each other before, and they'd been lying. Especially when it came to Kenny and her. "Vicki, you live in a tree house, you eat whatever's on sale, you spend at least an hour every day having sex, and you party like a rock star. How are you gonna take care of a baby, or yourself enough to have one?"

"A lot of things are gonna have to change. We're gonna move back in with Carol and Karen when it starts getting too difficult to climb up the ladder. And I know all I have to do to get fed is go see your mom. She loves me."

"We'll see how much she loves you when she finds out you're having a kid."

Vicki laughed. "Ah well, she knows what Kenny and I are like. And she won't be able to resist the cuteness that's to come. Plus she can spend months meddling in my life telling me to not eat this, and not do that, and 'for goodness sake, convince that man of yours to build you a proper home'."

Kyle wasn't in disagreement about the house idea. If any of them could build a house you could live in, it was Kenny. After all, he'd made the tree house into a one room 'home' with a little electricity and some salvaged furniture. But there hadn't been a deadline for that. If they built a house...

"Apparently Kenny's already looking into the property claims around town."She continued, as if reading his mind. "I think some of it is still under Claim Laws from back in the nineteenth century. If there's part of the woods that's unclaimed, we could build a claim shanty there and eventually turn it into a house."

"I'm guessing you're gonna get Jimbo to help you set up another electric hook-up?"

"Hey, when you want someone who's willing to bend the rules and ignore the laws, you go drag Jimbo out of the bar."

"You sober him up first, right?"

"...Sure."

ЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖ You promised me you'd be around ЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖ

Wendy and Bebe collapsed onto her couch, laughing like lunatics. They'd escaped Kyle's mom by leaving Stan and Kenny to listen to her lecture about how 'in her day, you were lucky if you didn't get shot by a girl's father for knocking her up' and 'if they were going to have a shot gun wedding, they would have to at least have a proper one, so the whole town would pitch in'. Frankly, they weren't sure how she even knew Vicki was pregnant. That had been the one part Bebe hadn't announced at the top of her lungs.

"...Do you think she's got Kyle's room wired?" Wendy asked, breathlessly.

"Oh God, I hope not. Can you imagine Mrs. B listening to Kyle moaning out whatever he does when he jacks off? That would be soooo disgusting."

"Or listening to you two back in Grade Nine."

The look in Bebe's face—horror mingled with a little nausea—was priceless.

"...Wendy, do not ever speak such a blasphemy upon my sex life." She whispered hoarsely. "Not unless you want to be covered in barf for the first time in almost eight years."

Well, that wasn't exactly true. The first time Stan had gotten properly smashed with her—the day they'd graduated from South Park Elementary—he'd barfed all over her brand new jeans. But at least he hadn't barfed the first time they made love.

"You may have to get used to it, if you help raise the baby. Kids barf a lot." Wendy reminded her friend. "And Vicki's gonna have morning sickness too."

Bebe made a face. "That's the one thing I'm not jealous about; gaining weight, barfing in the morning, and having my body all stretched out of shape."

"But you do want a baby, right?"

"Someday. Not right now."

Wendy nodded. She could see why not having a baby until later would be good. You weren't tied down, and didn't tie anyone else down with you. With Kenny and Vicki, it didn't matter so much, because neither of them had planned to go to college. Kenny wasn't even planning on graduating from high school. He liked working at the garage. He wasn't wasting time learning about how to calculate a logarithmic curve, or what William Shakespeare meant by 'the sun itself sees not 'til heaven clears'. He was making money that supplemented what they got from the emancipation agreement, and even though half of it was going to help his mom and sister, they were doing alright.

"When Stan and I are a little older, I hope we have a baby. But I don't think Stan does." She sighed. "He tends to..."

"Wendy, when Stan sees kids, he runs the other way." Bebe stated bluntly. "Remember when my aunt and uncle were visiting, and Vicki dumped the baby on him? I thought he was going to have a panic attack."

"Okay, so he's not a natural dad..." Actually, a six hundred pound gorilla was a more natural dad than Stan. "But I think he will get the hang of it when he spends more time with Vicki and Kenny's baby."

Bebe stared at her. "I'm pretty sure it would take you getting pregnant to make Stan into dad material. And don't you dare get pregnant, either. Wanting to have sex with Stan when we were ten was one thing, but wanting a baby is different."

"I know, Bebe. I'm not a jealous little girl anymore. We're gonna be graduating in a few months."

"And Kenny and Vicki will be getting married." She sighed happily. "Oh, I just can't wait to help Vicki pick out her wedding dress..."

"And the flowers."

"And the food."

"And I really hope they write their own wedding vows." Wendy added. "I'm pretty sure Father Maxi will understand."

"He slept with Cartman's mom. I'm pretty sure a couple of teenagers having a shotgun wedding and writing their own vows won't disturb him too much."

"Nah, but if Vicki and Kenny do their porno-kissing at the altar..."

Both teens collapsed back into helpless laughter, imagining their friends making out in front of the whole town in the church. God would either strike them down, or start wolf-whistling up in Heaven.

ЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖ Uh huh, that's right... ЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖЖ

Vicki waited nervously as the phone rang. "C'mon Mom, pick up the phone..."

They'd told just about everyone who needed to know, after confirming it with a better test at the doctor's office. Really, it had only taken about ten minutes, and then they'd gone around telling all the adults they needed to. Carol had been over the moon at the idea of her 'responsible' son being the one who got her a grandbaby. And Sharon and Sheila had done the 'oh that's so wonderful...so when's the wedding?' thing that old-fashioned mothers tended to do. But Vicki hadn't minded that so much, because she could tell them early August.

But now she had to make the big one; the phone-call to tell her parents in Arizona. She wasn't sure exactly what she was planning to say. 'Hey Mom, I'm pregnant' sounded awful, like she had failed them or something. But 'we're having a baby' sounded sorta planned, and then they'd want to know all the details...

"Hello?"

Vicki drew in a shaky breath. "Hey Mom."

"Oh, Vicki honey!" She sounded genuinely surprised. "I wasn't expecting it to be you. How are you? How's Colorado?"

"Fine, fine, and Kenny's fine to before you ask. I just called because we have some big news..."

"So you're finally pregnant? Your father and I have been expecting you to call about that since you were about fifteen." Her mother laughed. "You always were a 'mature' kid. I remember how guilty you and Matt would look when you almost got caught when you were nine. So how far along?"

"Just a month." Vicki replied, feeling a little more relaxed now that she knew her mother wasn't going to go over the deep end.

"A month? You know exactly a month? That's awfully quick to know; I wasn't sure you even existed until about three months."

"Well that was the night the IUD came out, so we're assuming it was then. I mean, it probably wasn't the smartest move to just keep going, but when you're almost there..."

"Well, honey, remember that you never did much talking about that sort of thing with your old mom..." She was trying to get her off the topic. "But what I do want to know is whether we'll be coming down to South Park for a wedding."

"Well Kenny and I just found out yesterday, but we're thinking early August, before it gets to be too much for me. Planning a South Park wedding apparently means just picking out the dress, flowers, decor, food and hiring a DJ because the ceremony is always at the church, the reception is always at the community center, and the entire town comes, whether they like you or not."

"Does that mean that awful Eric Cartman will be there?"

Vicki faltered. She hadn't thought about Cartman in so long. "I guess I forgot to tell you... Eric Cartman's dead. He broke out of Juvie when we were thirteen, and I shot him when he attacked Kenny. That's how I got hit by that car."

They knew about the car because Linda and Steven Stotch had called them while she was in the hospital. It had taken careful negotiating on her part to convince them not to come down to see her. Vicki hadn't wanted to let them gloat about 'how well she could take care of herself'. It had only been in the past year that they could talk civilly at all.

"Oh honey...why didn't you tell me? That must have been so traumatic..."

"Mom, it turned out fine. Cartman was an asshole who tried to kill me, and I was glad to see he was dead, even though the cops couldn't believe I hit him right between the eyes the first time I ever fired a gun."

To be honest, she still couldn't believe it. She hadn't been aiming there—she hadn't been aiming at all. How the hell were you supposed to aim with a concussion anyways? It had been a lucky shot, and after about a month of trying to figure out if she wished she hadn't hit him fatally, she'd decided that if she'd tried to aim, she would have missed, and Kenny would have died along with her, and God only knew what would happen if they both died at the same time. So she stopped thinking about it entirely before she got too deep into her own head, and consequent fears. But she wasn't going to tell any of that to her mom.

"Well I guess that'll prove to your father that firearms are not a 'men's only' toy. I remember when you were five, and you used to play around in the back lane with Josh and Tom and Matt, and you'd be playing with toy guns and your father would get so worried you'd turn out to be a lesbian—"

Okay, too much information. "No need to worry about that one, Mom. Believe me..."

"Oh I know. Carol must be so excited to be having a grandbaby." Her mother ploughed on. "How is she doing anyway? I know it must be hard for her since Stuart died last year."

"Actually I think it's been easier on her not to have to support an unemployed alcoholic, and now that Kevin's out of the house—"

"Kevin's moved out?"

"Well...his stuff's still there, but he's crashing in people's houses, high as a kite."

Finally, there was silence on the other end. Mrs. Miranda Monroe had finally been rendered speechless. Taking it as her chance, Vicki promised to call later with a definite wedding date, and hung up on her mother.

Yeah, a baby; who didn't see that coming. And I'm going to mention that I have yet to find a doctor in Manitoba that will put an IUD in someone under the age of twenty five (at least, one that I would trust). But if there was a plastic surgeon that would give nine year old Wendy breast implants in South Park, there would probably be a doctor who would give a sixteen (or maybe even younger) year old an IUD.