Have you ever had a real hug?
Not the kind where they sort of pat you on the back.
The kind that makes you feel like they'll never let go and that they'll just about take the life from you.
The first time I had that, I cried.
It's a very loving feeling.
Especially when it's from a significant person.
I've been so angry lately.
Too strong for my own good.
Lately, I've been so physically tired.
I've had this feeling in the pit of my stomach.
As if something wanted to scream it's way out of me.
My eyes hurt.
They always feel so heavy, as if they were working hard to just stay there.
I read yesterday that self-control exhausts the body.
For some reason, it stuck with me.
I didn't realize why until now.
I need to cry.
I want to cry.
But I can't.
I just can't let myself.
And it hurts to have to be so harsh towards him.
I just want to keep saying "I'm Sorry" over and over again.
But I know that I cant.
I can't stand to have him near me any longer.
It's so hard and exhausting and if only...
If only things hadn't been so messed up.
Maybe if I just didn't give him a second chance or trust him so much.
Maybe then, it wouldn't have hurt so much.
But then I would've been stuck with a man who wanted anything but love.
I've found that if you keep your head held high, and just keep walking, you don't feel the pain and the hurt.
But then, you don't see the people around you or the colors.
You don't appreciate everything you have as much as when you're truly happy.
It's not the same when you fake it.
You can only pretend for so long.
Perhaps I need to let myself feel this pain.
Maybe afterwards I can move on.
I've put up the illusion that I've moved on.
Now I have to make it real.