~DON'T SPEAK~

By: Dark Eyes

-Rating: PG13 for language & "thematic elements" (I always wanted to say that)

-Disclaimer: Yes, I own them. All of them. Especially my boy Logan (grins evilly). So sue me! I own nothing but my car anyway & unfortunately she's not worth much. 'Sides, we all know the truth, if I really owned them I'd treat them much better than Fox & I'd be able to see them somewhere other than fanfic & video. The title & song however, belong to Gwen Stefani & No Doubt & I claim no rights to them whatsoever as I could never hope to recreate their genius.

-A/N: This is an idea which has been bouncin' around in my head for over a month now. I was on a road trip in the middle of AZ on my way to San Diego w/nothin but empty desert & shimmering heat waves out the window & only country music on the radio (no offense to those who're into that sort of thing) Everybody else in the car was sleeping so it was just me & No Doubt in the car for a good 200 miles. And while this is by no means the only fanfic idea in my head it is the only one ever to have made it to my hard drive, not to mention actually posting online. So bear w/me, my lil' ficlet hasn't even been betaed & I'm new @ this. Besides that my actual original idea (and reason for the title) dosn't show 'till Chp. 3, patience. Also, Jess Thank You so much for your help. Thanx "Lover"! (LOL) K, that said: Shutting up now...

Chapter 1: "Poison"

My knuckles are white as I hold onto Original Cindy's hand. She doesn't complain even as my fingers dig in, not at my full strength, which would probably shatter her hand but It's definitely hard enough to hurt. Still she lets me. Seems to understand I just need something to hold onto right now. I have this insane feeling like if I let go It'll all be to real to handle, I'll start falling and never stop.

It's like this incredible pain that starts in my stomach & has the world spinning, images blurring in my mind.

All I can hear is my own heartbeat, hammering so loudly it's amazing that people haven't started staring. As if I would even notice. And all I keep seeing is Logan's face as he realized what he had done. A look of utter disbelief crossing his features.

(Flashback: //Max yanks her hand away. Too late. Logan looks first at his hand disbelievingly, then at Max//)

Then the inevitable fear that flashed through his deep blue eyes as he stared into mine just as he crumbled to the floor. I had to fight the irrational instinct to stick out my arms to catch him, break his fall, hold him close, protect him. As if I hadn't done enough to hurt him already. The worst thing was that there was nothing I could do for him. No way for me to ease his pain. As everyone began crowding around him (even Alec, our unfinished conversation forgotten as he rushed back to help Logan) I was pushed aside and all I could do was watch helplessly. Everything happened so fast & yet so slowly. It all just seemed to blur together.

The entire time I was screaming silently in my head. "NO! NO! No! No! no! DAMMIT! It wasn't supposed to end like this! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM!!!!!. He's not ready. HE'S NOT FUCKING READY TO DIE!!!!! NO! NO! NO! This can't be happening! NO!!! No!!"

Dammit Logan why do you have to be so stubborn? Why couldn't you just let me go?

(Flashback://Logan interrupts Max & Alec's conversation "Hey guys, what's going on?" A pause..."Nothing". Alec just rolls his eyes "Yeah. Right. Nothing" then walks off. Leaving Max alone with Logan and his questioning eyes. "Max?". She looks up from her thoughts. "I'm beat. I'm gonna...I'm gonna go". She starts to walk away but Logan steps in her way effectively stopping her. "What was that all about?" Max doesn't want to talk & looks down to avoid his eyes "Nothing it was just... I'm tired". She tries to walk away again. Logan, thinking only that he wants her to stay grabs her arm "Hey!". Max yanks her arm away, horrified. But it's too late//)

If he had just let me go without any questions...But then he wouldn't be Logan, would he? I mentally shake my head at that fact, Logan never could just let things go without digging further, it wouldn't be like him. It's not his fault anyway. No, this is all on me. Me & my fucked up freak show body. Biohazard girlfriend, carrier of a killer virus targeted specifically to kill the one person in this world that I love. Yeah, I admit it I love him. And I'm gonna have to live with the fact that I'm the one who murdered him! Yeah, that's what you call true love. As if I even really knew anything about that.

Renfro was right. You're poison Max. POISON. And then Alec's words come back to me. The ones I was attempting to shove to the back of my mind as I tried to leave Logan at Crash.

"Unlike you I'm actually trying to do the right thing." "You think the only problem you & Logan have is some genetically engineered virus that'll kill the guy if you touch him?" "Max we don't belong with them" "We're a danger to them. When are you gonna finally see that?" "Why don't you just open your eyes?"

Unbidden the words echo loudly through my mind, the truth so blindingly obvious that it makes me want to cry. "Danger to them" "Danger"

I see Logan again as he looked through the window of the emergency room earlier. Still, unmoving. At first 'cuz it hurts too much and then 'cuz he passed out from the pain. He looks nothing like the Logan that I know. His skin is pale & he's broken out in hives all over his body. He's hooked up to a respirator and to a heart monitor who's incessant beeping sounds to me like a taunting countdown to his deadline. An ultimatum. His expressive blue eyes are closed now. He lies on the bed unconscious. Gone. He may never come back. And I caused this. Me. Thank God (or the Blue Lady or whatever higher power was watching out today) for Joshua.

(Flashback://Max: "How's he doing?" -Dr. Shankar looks worried & sighs...-"Don't let him die. Please." All her hopes hang on this one moment// "So what about a transfusion?" -Dr. Shankar considers this- "it's worth a try. We've got nothing to lose"// "If were going to do this you're friend better get here soon. This is the only shot Logan has!" -Max looks at her, the despair in her eyes quickly turns into determination.- "I'll be back!"//)

I don't know what I would've done w/out him. If only I hadn't left him. If I'd stayed with him this never would have happened But the ongoing, rational voice in my head reminds me that such a thought is idiotic, it was only a matter of time until this happened anyway. "Staying away just one night isn't going to do it Max, just being around him at all is dangerous. How many miracles do you think you're gonna get?" I mean, despite what Dr. Carr said last time, I still think it was the virus that landed him in the hospital a few months ago. Remembering the familiar feeling of fear that ran through me then I can't help but realize that Logan is just better off without me!!

And now, it's happened again. Thank Ben's Blue Lady for Joshua. I just hope his transfusion works. Now, all I can do is wait... Wait, and think about how many ways I'm gonna hurt Alec when I find him! GOD, I can't believe I was actually counting on him to come through for me on this. Completely unreliable jerk that he is. Alec.....when I get my hands on him I'm gonna beat him senseless, pound him to a bloody pulp for what he nearly caused Logan! Hell, I'm gonna.....But his words come back to me again...

"Unlike you I'm actually trying to do the right thing" "We're a danger!" His words tangle with Renfro's. "You always manage to hurt the people you care about" "Your brother Ben...and him, Eyes Only"... "Open your eyes Max" ... "Your poison" ..."We're a danger to them"... "DANGER"... "Poison".... "POISON".....

***********

Original Cindy's voice breaks into my thoughts. Sounding far away as if it had to travel through a far off tunnel to reach me.

"It's gonna be alright. You'll see"

She squeezes my hand reassuringly and I glance at her distractedly, unbelieving and still lost in my thoughts.

"He's a fighter, he's gonna hang on!"

She's always been the one to believe even when I didn't. I just hold on & hope she's right. Now we just have to wait. But I hate waiting without knowing. Just then I hear Dr. Shankar's footsteps as she approaches and we quickly stand up, her face doesn't really tell me much though. She says something and I catch a few words like

"antibodies... friends blood...virus"

But all I really hear is "He's gonna make it."

Then I finally let out the breath I didn't even know I was holding. OC smiles and puts a hand on my shoulder

"You hear that? He's gonna be okay". And she pulls me into a hug.

Dr. Shankar smiles "He asked to see you".

I watch her leave wanting nothing more than to go in there and see for myself that Logan's okay. Wanting.... but instead, I turn back to face Original Cindy

"I can't go in there"

I'm just so scared to be near him. Even before, I only saw him through the glass of the window and later from the doorway.- She shakes her head and tries to reason with me

"He's askin' for you".

"I can't see him...not now!". Then my voice falters as I come to my decision "Not ever again".

She shakes her head again as if she knows I'm lying to myself.

"You're just sayin' that 'cuz you're upset. You heard the lady, he's gonna be fine".

"This time. But what about next time? No, this has to stop. Tell him...I'm glad he's okay" I mentally slap myself at the inadequacy of the words I offer up in place of my presence, still there is nothing more to say. So, I turn and walk away.

From Logan.

To Be Continued...

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A/N #2: K, peeps tell me, how'd I do? Like I said, this is my first fic so I need to know how bad/good it is, where to fix, that sorta thing. Any wise words or just straight up truth would be greatly appreciated. I ain't gonna hold no chapters hostage 'cuz I don't think I can, & I'm still gonna write anyway 'cuz I'm starting to get into it but I don't wanna inflict any unwanted writing on anyone so please, no silent readers. One or two words is all I ask, review box is there, calling to you. Click it!