This might hurt, its not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
Foot unrelenting on the gas pedal of her rental car, Jill raced down the highway, defying the speed limit. She didn't care though, and she ignored the honking of the few other cars out and about as their drivers protested.
She had this revelation, leading to her first risky move of the day: resigning without notice from the South American clinic job.
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something
Jill knew it was a suicide mission. She'd probably end up alone in her quiet house again, a place she hadn't been in a long time, drinking a beer and watching reality television until her troubles floated away and she sunk into a dreamless sleep only to wake up to an equally boring life.
But pain was better than the numbness she couldn't escape. She was stuck in a rut, digging her own grave. She promised her rental the best carwash in town as it carried her towards the only person who could pull her up and out.
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life
In all honesty, there wasn't anything too terribly wrong with her life, per say. But she needed something good, something great, something amazing. No one wanted a mediocre life, but she'd been voluntarily leading one.
She needed more from her life. Plain and simple. Jill Casey would not longer live by the same damn routine every day. Get up, work, go to sleep. It wasn't enough and she was tired of subcoming to it.
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all-consuming passion inside of me
She had to break the cycle. Jill was bound and detirmed that tomorrow, she wouldn't go through the same process she'd been repeating.
She knew exactly what she needed. The rental pushed eighty in a fifty-five zone, her mind keeping pace. Jill couldn't, wouldn't wait for the next chance, and she raced to seize this one.
She couldn't waste any more of her life in this state, and freedom from her self-inflicted imprisonment waited for her. She just prayed it would receive her with the open arms she wanted to bury herself within. Literally.
I don't wanna spend my whole life askin'
'What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?'
And above all, she couldn't end up an elderly woman looking back on her life and asking herself the same question every day.
What if she had thrown caution to the wind? What if she forgot every voice in the world except the one in her head, driven by adrenalin and telling her to go full speed ahead and the one she so desperately needed to hear?
It couldn't be any worse than living every day so identically to the last that she'd forget the date. She couldn't wonder how her life would be different twenty years from now because she didn't walk over an edge she was afraid of falling from. Especially if she would have been caught in the first place.
No regrets, not this time
Gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Parking her car, she climbed from it. Jill decided that, no matter what happened, this was not a mistake. If she was welcomed back, great, it could only go up from there. If not, she knew that and she could move on with her life.
Logic was out the window. With every footfall towards her final destination, she same word echoed thoughout her: Please, please, please. She couldn't let the fear in her head win out over the accumulated longing in her heart.
Let your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feelin' somethin'
Like a familiar stranger, somthing stirred in her stomach. Nervousy? Jill felt her insides twist as her breathing quickened. She rubbed her sweating palms against her skirt before knocking on the front door of Ms. Newberg's house.
For several moments, nothing happened. Jill considered leaving, but something told her she wouldn't work up the courage to come back for a long time, if ever. When she did hear the shuffling of feet, she really thought about making a run for it.
But she held steady until she heard the latch open, and then she was trapped.
"Jill?" Hank asked, reeling back in surprise. He sounded tired, but not like she's woken him, which was odd, considering the hour. She had not taken that into account, however, in her desperate plan.
Suddenly, all the things she had to say, everything she needed him to hear, it was all trapped inside, frozen over like a sheet of ice.
"You're supposed to be in South America," he said bluntly.
"I couldn't do it," Jill replied, fiddling with the hem of her skirt.
"Do what? Take an amazing opportunity that would turn your biggest dream into reality?" He asked.
"I thought I could. I told myself it was six months, and I could make it that long, and I believed it too. But I got there, and not one month later, I realized that I couldn't. Then I tried to stick it out, but hell started to look a lot like Uruguay. So I packed a tiny bag, got on an even tinier plane and..."
"Jill!" Hank exclaimed, cutting her off and looking even more confused than before. "Your point?"
She didn't know how to answer that. She thought about launching into another psychobabble and considered dropping her purse to simply jump forward and kiss him, but finally let out a small, "I couldn't do it... Without you."
Her eyes we trained on the ground as she finished her sentence, afraid to have come all this way to be denied, but Hank quickly killed her doubts, stepping through the doorframe. He reached up, his hands coming to support her head, like they had all those months ago just before he'd found her spider bite.
Jill drew a breath, meeting his eyes for the split second before his lips were once again on hers, and she regained one of the things South America could never give her: Hank.
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through nothingness of this life
All the sudden, the shell of a person she'd become was filled to the brim again. She remembered why she loved her favorite color and she actually liked it again.
She didn't feel hollow or empty, she felt whole again. The first smile she'd felt herself crack in a long time crept up on the corners of her lips, which were still covered by Hank's as he pulled her into the quiet house, haphazardly swinging the door closed behind them.
'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all-consuming passion inside of me
Jill woke the next morning and wondered for a moment why it didn't smell... Well, like Uruguay. And why her back didn't hurt from her South American mattress.
But then, in place of the sharp scent of chili papers and livestock, a very different scent puzzled her shortly. Remembering where she was, she inhaled the vaguely familiar scent, the one of Hank that was stuck to the pillow under her head.
Of course, it could also be coming from the arm around her waist, or any other part of the warm body that held her own close. She inhaled, memorizing the smell, and sunk further into Hank's embrace.
"Ah, and sleeping beauty wakes," he chuckled, gently pressing his lips to the top of her head.
"What's that supposed to mea-" Jill trailed off as she saw the green digits displayed on the digital clock atop Hank's bedside table.
Once again, all he did was laugh. She felt the vibrations of it down to the edge of her toes and stilled for a moment to relish in the feeling.
'Cause I don't wanna spend my whole life askin'
What if I had given everything
Instead of going through the motions?
By now, she was trapped. She didn't ever want to leave, nor did she believe she was capable. She's been home for less than twenty four hours, yet she felt as if she'd never left.
She'd already quit her job, so it wasn't as if she could go back, but she wouldn't have been able to anyway.
"Hank, I'm sure you had appointments today. You could have gone," She said, her eyes still fixed on the clock.
"Divya's got it- She owes me one," He quickly excused himself, not realizing, of course, that last time Jill checked, Divya was about to become a Bandyopadhyay.
Her confusion evidently showed on her face. "She broke her engagement the day you left. Caught the Pneumonic Pelage from her dance instructor, too." Hank explained.
"Wow," Jill said, twisting in Hank's grasp until she was facing him, her nose brushing his until it almost tickled.
"So, when do you go back?" He asked seriously, his eyes searching hers.
"Go where?" She asked innocently, only half confused.
"Montevideo," He explained. "Where you work,"
She shook her head, rolling her head back in pure bliss. "Never!" She exclaimed. "Oh, God, I'm so happy to be out of that hell hole."
"Isn't Montevideo supposed to be like, beautiful?" Hank mocked.
"Well, I wasn't prepared for the weather, the smell, the spring mattress, or the complete and utter lack of you," she clarified.
"Well," Hank countered, "The Hamptons we're pretty devoid of Jill Casey," The way he just kept smiling at her was making her dizzy, and combined with his fingers gently swirling over the tattoo she got with Divya, she was positively giddy.
For a moment, they sat in comfortable silence, finding it unnecessary to fill the room with their voices, because they had each other again.
Take me all the way (Take me all the way)
Take me all the way ('Cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
Take me all the way (I think I'm finally feeling something real)
Take me all the way
Jill felt herself slipping, slipping past the point of no return. She would have thought she'd be more cautious this time, after Charlie. But as they lay, tangled in Newberg's silk sheets, with Hank's eyes searching hers wordlessly, she felt an almost tangible connection, something she'd never dreamt of with her ex-husband.
So she let it take her, allowed it to steal her away like a theif in the night, because she knew that wherever it took her, that place was safe.
Because with Hank, she didn't need to bring to the table any more than she already had. Where Emily despised the fact that he wanted all of her, Jill thrived in it. Charlie never put in the time to understand her secret fears and desires, but Hank wanted to, he wanted in.
And maybe it was unfair to compare Hank to her ex. Unfair to who, she was unsure. Maybe it was idealism, but Hank seemed to embody everything she'd wished Charlie was.
'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all-consuming passion inside of me
When her train of thought came full circle, she wound up thinking about the night they'd met, wondering where they would be if she'd let him drive her home. Then she thought about what life would be like if she hadn't been afraid to dive in the first time they'd been together. Why had she been so scared?
She didn't understand it now, her hesitation. Looking into his eyes still, there was only honesty, a light that evaporated any small, subconscious doubt that still lay in the shadows of her mind.
I don't wanna spend my whole life askin'
'What if I had given everything
Instead of goin' through the motions?'
Finally, as she though of what life would be like if she hadn't made the split-second decision to return, she almost groaned aloud. Foreign language, incompetent staff, back pain, and an even more never-ending patient list than that of Hampton's Heritage.
But she didn't want to know, and she never would. Now that she was here, back and literally lying in his arms, she would never give it up again. She much proffered where she was.
Finally unbound by these realizations, Jill reached up and planted her lips firmly against his. He willingly reciprocated, taking only a moment to smile over her mouth and gently slide on top of her. "God, I missed you," Hank whispered quietly over her lips.
'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all-consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life askin'
'What if I had given everything
Instead of goin' through the motions?'