Lesse...
I don't own Mana Khemia
I don't own Avril Lavigne (thank goodness)
This isn't beta-ed.
This can be read as a one-shot, but there (might) will be more chapters.
And
MERRY X-MAS, EMMY.
3
: I hate ff formating lots. Sorry, guys.
Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby?
He was in bliss the first time they hugged, the first time they kissed, the first time they whispered 'I love you' in the other's ear, and the first time the gave each other that love. He was in the bliss the second time, and the third time, and the fourth, and every single goddamn time after that.
Even Heaven has its thorns, he supposed.
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real…
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you? Why'd you turn away?
Damnit, didn't Vayne feel any of that? Hadn't he told him he loved him? Hadn't he kissed him that first time, as they stood by the little lake running through the forest, woods whispering in their ears? He had.
And he simply didn't anymore. He rarely even looks at Roxis anymore -- much less intimately. They speak only when necessary. Whenever Roxis walks into a room…he just has to walk back out.
Vayne just doesn't see him anymore.
And it sucked.
Here's what I have to say…
"Vayne," Roxis begins, waiting for an answer form the man sitting on the couch in front of him. He can't say he expects an answer --not anymore--, but he can hope.
He waits a moment, and then two, before accepting that his (previous) lover isn't going to answer him. But this is important -- he can't walk away this time.
Roxis strides forward to lean against the unlit fireplace opposite the couch.
"Vayne." The other's head lifts in response, bags under his eyes a bit too deep for his 24 years. "Vayne, we need to talk."
Vayne nods his head in response, as if expecting this to happen one day. Both men are only surprised it didn't happen earlier.
Yet another moment of silence goes by, with neither knowing exactly what to say, now that it's been established that something, anything, needed to be. Until Vayne rises from the couch, and moves to Roxis, placing his hands on his lover's cheeks, looking as if maybe, just maybe he'd give the other one more kiss. Just one more.
"I'll go pack my things," he says, removing his hands, and turning away. Roxis fights the tears welling up behind his eyes, trying to stay calm, as he rejects Vayne's offer.
"No. I-I'll go, Vayne. I just, I mean, it's just," he runs his fingers through his hair, trying to make sense of the bullshit around him, trying to figure what the hell he's saying, and why he wasn't begging for Vayne to stay. A sigh escapes his lips, as he utters a phrase he never wanted to say negatively, "This place just holds so many memories for me, Vayne -- too many memories."
Vayne still hasn't turned to him, but Roxis can tell that he's crying by the way he moves his right hand -- as if he wants to reach up and hold himself, and doesn't want to show that weakness. Roxis wants to reach over and hug him, hold him and simply tell him everything will be okay. But he knows that Vayne isn't crying for him, and that there was nothing he could do anymore.
The school might have held memories for Vayne too, more and worse ones, but it also held more good ones. The school was Vayne's home and workplace. Class was the only place Vayne ever smiled anymore.
Roxis had to be the one to leave.
And so, as Vayne sleeps that night, Roxis begins to pack.
I was left to cry, waiting outside there
Grinnin' with a lost stare,
"Hey, drink it, okay? Roxis and Anna made it. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay, see you tomorrow."
But he never did see her, did he?
He had known that he wouldn't.
She had just -- she'd been suffering so much. Some days she couldn't even remember who he was -- even who she was. So many times, Vayne would hear her screaming in pain as the disease grew greater and greater. They had tried so hard to find a cure, yet every time they came even close, Jess just got worse.
She'd cry in her sleep.
One day she asked him to kill her. That was the only cure, as far as she was concerned. Maybe one day he'd find a real cure, but by then, she just wouldn't want it.
And Vayne, he believed her. He looked into her eyes, and saw none of the old Jess, but just a hollow soul, going through the cycles of the living dead.
Roxis gave him the newest potion, and when Vayne took it to Jess that day, he made sure to put just a little bit of a rare Root from the ruins into it. It normally wasn't fatal, but with Jess as weak as she was, it would be for her. She'd die a gentle death; a sleeping death.
He'd killed his best friend.
After she'd fallen asleep, Vayne snuck into her room, and sat by her bed, holding her hand, until the various monitors showed her vitals had gone -- about half an hour before dawn. He shakily wrote the time of death on a pad of paper near-by with a pen from his pocket, before kissing her on the forehead, and taking her hand again, holding it until far past her favorite time of day had come and gone, holding solace only in that her soul could fly into the rising sun. Vayne had cried all night.
That's when I decided…
Why should I care? 'Cause you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone…
He isn't quite sure how to take all this. It's not that he doesn't still love him, but it's so hard now. Roxis just didn't get it. Vayne so wanted just to be held and cared for. He wanted to be told that he wasn't a monster, that he wasn't the horrible person he knew himself to be.
So why wasn't Roxis there for him? He had said that he loved him, so why couldn't he just hold him?
No, he hadn't told Roxis about the poison, but, damnit, hadn't he noticed when Vayne didn't some home? Hadn't he noticed how wracked and broken he was?
No, no, no. Vayne knows, somewhere, deep down, that it wasn't Roxis's fault, that it isn't Roxis's fault. But he can't bring himself to tell Roxis, much less ask for help.
But Roxis never even asked. For awhile he tried to comfort Vayne, in as much as Roxis can comfort, but soon gave up. Maybe he just hadn't known what to do with Vayne, now that he was so distant, so broken, so different. Either way, though, Vayne just couldn't deal with it.
He was already alone in spirit, he might as well be alone in person as well. Dealing with Roxis was just that much more stress.
And, you know what? Vayne really can't make himself care that much anymore.
Am I just some chick you placed beside you, to take somebody's place?
When you turn around can you recognize my face…?
"Hey," Roxis says to a half-asleep Vayne, as dawn reaches their window. Vayne had, ever since Jess died, taken to waking at around this time. Probably due to the fact that Jess died right before dawn.
Vayne turns to him with what could almost be considered a half-smile.
"Hey."
Vayne was always at his best during dawn, strangely enough. Whenever he best 'felt Jess's presence' he was at his best.
It was Jess who kept Vayne going -- and the fact that she wouldn't want him to break down, to fail, to die. That's what kept him going everyday.
Not Roxis, never Roxis. And that killed him.
For, at this time of the day, when Vayne was at his best, Roxis could never be sure who Vayne was talking about. He didn't know if his other saw Roxis or… or…damnit.
He saw Jess. He always saw Jess.
Because if he had seen Roxis, would he be seeing him during their time? Right when dusk settled? Their first kiss, even when they first made love?
Vayne was never at his best when he saw Roxis.
Only Jess. Only ever Jess.
And standing there, in the doorway, Roxis feels a tear or two fall.
Beginning to turn away, he says all he really needed (if not wanted) to say.
"I'm packed. I'll leave tomorrow."
You used to love me, you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case,
Everything wasn't okay…
Cryin' out loud, I'm cryin' out loud
Cryin' out loud, I'm cryin' out loud
Roxis weeps when he slumps into the couch that, only the night before, he watched Vayne sit in, nearly emotionlessly. Weeps for his lover, weeps for his love. Weeps for the friend he lost, and the life he lost with her. Weeps for himself, and for Vayne.
Roxis weeps for every time after Jess died, when he'd embrace Vayne, and for the first few months, when Vayne would embrace him back.
He doesn't stop weeping until he does. And then he looks at his bags, and picks up the phone to call the cab.
He picks up his bags. He decides to leave today. Another night -- what's the point? Vayne won't stop him tonight.
Vayne's tears are silent, so Roxis doesn't hear them as he goes into what used to be their room to tell Vayne the new plans.
Vayne doesn't stop him.
Why should I care
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared,
I was so alone
Vayne doesn't stop him. Doesn't stop him because he doesn't care. He doesn't want to care.
So he doesn't.
Why should I care?
If you don't care, then I don't care
We're not going anywhere
Roxis gets into the cab, no tears left.
Vayne didn't try to stop him; didn't say anything at all.
Vayne didn't care; Roxis no longer wants to care.
So he doesn't.