For Marina.
I guess I'm like any normal 12 year old boy.
Okay, that's a lie and I know it.
I'm smarter, more mature, and better dressed than every other guy my age, which is why my girlfriend is very lucky.
I don't know why I have a girlfriend, honestly. I mean, Maggie is great, really. She's very nice. I don't know...I guess I've always liked being single better. Really, the concept of dating in 6th grade is kind of foreign to me. We're little more than best friends, when you think about it. Best friends that hold hands in the hallway, that's what we are. I looked around one day and realized, 1) that most of the people my age were pairing up, and 2) apparently, a lot of girls think I'm cute. Which is great, I guess.
I don't want to be the only guy at Herbert Hoover Middle School without a girlfriend. Maggie was the first girl to send me one of those "Do you like me, check Yes or No" notes, so I checked yes, and just like that I had a girlfriend. Like I said, Maggie is great. So that's why I did as any good boyfriend would do—invited her over to my house to watch movies.
"Wow, Kurt! This is like, really good!"
Baking is kind of my forte. I made pinafores that were iced in her favorite colors—green and pink, which is trendy and cute but completely boring when it comes down to intricate design—and we settled down to watch her favorite movie, The Notebook. She snuggled against me, wrinkling my shirt that I had just pressed. It occurred to me to shake her off of me and scold her for her disregard to my clothing, but I supposed a good boyfriend wouldn't do that.
"Oh my God, Kurt. Look at him. Like, look at Ryan Gosling. Oh my God. He, like, took his shirt off! How freaking sexy is that? Like, seriously. Do you see how effing sexy he is?"
I looked up from my wrinkling shirt and cast my gaze upon Ryan Gosling, the object of my girlfriend's affection. "Wow, he does look good."
Did I just say that? Out loud? I didn't even remember thinking it, and yet the words flowed from my mouth effortlessly. Luckily, Maggie was too entranced to notice.
"So effing hot, Kurt. Oh my God. Like, I can't even handle how, like, sexy he is!" She had the screen paused on Ryan Gosling's bare chest. I was staring.
I mean, I was looking. My girlfriend thought he was sexy, so what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't study up on him? I needed to emulate him to make my girlfriend happy.
It wasn't until Maggie left my house and I had stayed up until 3 am looking up pictures of Ryan Gosling online that I realized I was probably working overtime to be a good boyfriend.
...
Sometimes I confuse myself.
I realize that puberty is the time period in which many changes happen. And one of those changes is unfortunate erections at weird times. Thankfully, my dad decided to forgo the conversation about it and thrust a book at me that told me everything I would ever need to know about my own body. Personally, I'm the most excited about my voice changing.
These strange erections, though, aren't nearly as exciting.
Or rather, not exciting in the same way.
For instance, I was walking home from school and I pass McKinley High on my way. I was watching where I was walking because it had just rained, and I just couldn't bear the idea of my new shoes getting wet. So I was studying the ground closely, when I felt a whoosh of air go by me. My head snapped up.
Twenty guys wearing these tiny shorts ran by me. I guess it was the track team or something. But those little red shorts and the unmistakable outline of...
I hurried home. My crotch was embarrassingly excited to be there.
I swear, it happens at the weirdest times.
...
Noah Puckerman is a really nice guy that goes to my school. He thinks I'm weird and I think he's weird, so we get along pretty well. His girlfriend, Lauren, is Maggie's best friend. They call themselves ZZs because their last names are Zimmerman and Zizes. It's kind of weird. But Noah and I always eat lunch together because of them.
Anyway, one day, Maggie and Lauren left to go to the bathroom and that left me and Noah alone at our table.
"You look sad, man." He said to me.
"Well, I am."
"Why?" He has these big brown eyes that are really pretty. I made a mental note to get him shirts that were cool colors only for Hanukkah.
"My mom died today."
"Oh my God!" Those beautiful eyes were big as dinner plates. "Why are you at school, man?"
At first, I was confused. Then, I realized what I'd said. "I mean, this is the anniversary of her death. She died four years ago."
"Oh, you shouldn't scare me like that, man."
The bell rang, and Noah stood up. I stood next to him. "Are we best friends?" I asked, desperate for a friend who wasn't a girl.
"Well, yeah, I thought so." He smiled at me. "And hey...I'm sorry about your mom, Kurt."
He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed. I held his thin body in my arms for several seconds before he pulled away. "Thanks."
"No problem. See you in History!"
I spent most of Math taking care of different problems.
No, not what you think.
Okay, yes, that, but also...
Why does my heart beat so fast every time I see Noah now?
I know what this is supposed to mean...but...I'm only twelve years old, and it's normal to be curious about stuff like this...
Even if it feels less like mild curiosity and more...right.
...
I spent more and more time with Noah over the next few weeks. He walked me home a lot, actually, which was really nice. Noah's house was only a few blocks from mine, so it was convenient. I had to admit that my feelings for him were approaching full-out crush status. And if we were being honest, I could tell he was returning those feelings. He was several inches shorter than me, and when he looked up at me, his eyes seemed to be filled with admiration. I liked the way I felt with Noah, and he liked the way he felt with me. We didn't have to talk about it. It was just there. It just was.
I didn't know how to handle it. Noah was cute in a really dorky way. He had thick-rimmed glasses that were taped in the middle from 8th graders breaking them so many times and he couldn't pronounce his Rs right, and I found both of those things completely adorable. He could have dressed better, but nobody is perfect. I loved the way he called me "Kuht" because of his speech impediment. I loved the high-pitched giggled that escaped his lips when I said something especially clever.
I decided to test the waters that Friday when he walked me home. Nothing serious. I was just going to hold his hand as we walked home. Simple, right?
Not so much, actually.
"Whoa, dude. What are you doing?"
Keep calm, Kurt. "Holding your hand."
"Um. Why?"
"Because...I like you a lot."
Noah looked mildly disgusted and I am sure I looked horrified. "Kurt, I'm not like that. And you're...weird."
I went home and cried for hours. My dad tried to coax me out of my room every way he knew how—even offering to watch The Sound of Music with me, but nothing would help.
I lost my only really good guy friend because I wanted to hold his hand. That's weird. That makes me...different.
...
"Kuht!"
I turned to see Noah running toward me in the hallway.
"Hey. Sorry about yesterday."
Wow. "Really?"
You were just goofing around yesterday, right?" Right?"
"Um." I paused to think for a moment. "Sort of, yeah."
"Great. See you at lunch, man." Noah clapped me on the back, and as I watched him run away, I was more and more aware that I was NOT goofing around yesterday at all.
I was in love with a boy.
Well, shit.
...
"Hey, Kurt!"
Maggie. She was really getting on my nerves at this point.
"Yes, dear?"
"Wanna come over tonight?"
Sigh. She'd been asking me to hang out at her house all week, and I was running out of excuses. I sighed to myself; She IS my girlfriend, after all..."Sure!"
She smiled and grabbed my hand. "Great!"
"Yeah, great." Even I could hear the lack of interest in my voice, but Maggie was never known for her intelligence.
"I feel like we never hang out anymore. I really like you, Kurt."
"I really like you too." Lies.
"See ya tonight." She kissed my cheek and went to class. I wiped her kiss off of my face and sauntered off to Geography, hoping the night wouldn't be too painful.
No such luck.
Her room was a hideous lime green color with big pink polka dots placed sporadically throughout. It was nauseating, but I smiled and nodded when she asked me if I liked it, all the same. She sat on her big bed and I chose her computer chair. "So, what movie are we watching?"
She looked uncomfortable. "Kurt..."
"Yes?"
"Would you sit on the bed with me?"
"Um. Sure thing." I climbed up onto her bed and she laid her head on my chest. I was very uncomfortable. I didn't like this at all. "Alright, now that we're comfy..."
"Kurt, we've been dating for nearly two months now."
"Yes. Yes we have."
"And you've never kissed me."
Oh God. "Right..."
"Why is that, Kurt?"
I cleared my throat. "Because I am a gentleman. I refuse to treat you like a piece of meat. You're not here to take care of my needs. If this relationship is going to work, we have to be a partnership, and forcing kisses on you isn't the way to establish a partnership."
"I want to kiss you. It wouldn't be forcing."
"Well, I..." my mind was panicking. "I don't know, Maggie, I think I need more time."
"It's been two freaking months, Kurt! You've had plenty of time!"
"I'm not ready."
"I knew it."
"Knew what?"
"That you were a fag, just like Noah said."
My eyes widened. "What? No, I—"
"YOU TRIED TO HOLD NOAH'S HAND, KURT! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE A FAG!"
...
Then, I woke up.
I was in a cold sweat. That dream was so intense, so real...Maggie yelling at me and calling me a fag. The idea that I'm gay and everyone knows it.
I'm gay.
I don't think I'd ever actually admitted it to myself before.
The next morning, I sat with my dad at our little kitchen table.
"Dad, how come you eat slim jims and coke for breakfast, but you make me eat eggs?"
"Well, kid," he put down his paper and stared at me across the table. "I'm old and I can eat what I want, but you're my little boy and I want you to stay healthy. And I can't cook anything besides eggs."
He paused for a moment and grinned. We both laughed.
"Hey, dad? Can I tell you something?" I took a deep breath.
"Oh, I heard about it."
"About what?" Oh my God. People KNOW.
"About you breaking up with that crazy Maggie girl. I don't blame you. She was obnoxious." He took a bite from his slim jim and stood to leave. "You're pretty young to be dating, anyway. You'll find the right girl, Kurt. Don't worry about it." He ruffled my hair and left for work.
Well. I guess there's always tomorrow.