Story title: the Gentleman Prefers Blondes
Chapter 1; entitled: prologue;
Author: billybobcsgun36 - - fanfiction (dot) net id# 641050
Category: AU - Alternate Universe;
Wherein Hp characters don't follow cannon in their behavior.
Rating: M - just to be safeguarded from the prudish criticism of the overly sensitive. The rating is what it is for adult language and banter, some UK profanity / slang and heavily implied sexual innuendo. I do not write blow-by-blow smut.
Warning # 1; I will pick and chose items from JKR last two books as it suits my fancy, and disregard other bits of cannon just as easily.
Warning # 2; I hate stereotypes, so don't expect my version of the Harry Potter story to have prefect little Heroes. Also the bulk of this story takes place seven years after book seven, the characters are therefore ADULTS. In 2004, Neville Longbottom, Harry and Ron would be twenty-four with Hermione barely twenty-five.
Warning # 3; there will be loads of sub-plots and other odd-pairings. …I love JKR to death, but as a romance author …lets just say …I feel she fumbled the Quaffle. I feel that Rowling's notion that teenagers of seventeen and eighteen have no interest in having sex …is just laughable
So beside the usual HP couple's… this tale will contain an unusual Neville romantic ship; among others. So if I wander off and do another couple's romance, sit back and enjoy the ride! All other relationships as outlined in the Epilog in book seven or in JKR interviews are hereby Null and Void …unless I say otherwise.
Will there be sexual innuendo? 'Yeah - Duh'
Standardized disclaimer: is there anyone on this planet that doesn't know who has all legal copy rights to Harry Potter, with us in fan fiction just burrowing it for our own amusement and that of our readers.
Summary: after fleeing from Hogwarts after the murder of Albus Dumbledore, Draco Malfoy pays the ultimate price for his failure. Not realizing that as the old Headmaster once said: for some people, there are a lot of things worse than death.
Time-frame: begins in the last chapter of HBP, its midnight, around mid-June, 1997 …some two days before Dumbledore's funeral.
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Chapter 1 - - an odd nightmare
Harry awoke abruptly in a cold sweat as he usually did after a Voldemort inspired nightmare. He had not experienced one of these visions in quite some time for the dark lord had been blocking access to his mind to keep his plans from the boy. But when the dark lord became excited or extremely angry his mental shields had a tendency to slip …because of Voldemort's intense anger that night over young Malfoy's failure to carry out his order to kill the headmaster of Hogwarts. Harry found himself unwillingly with a front row seat for the torturous punishment of a hated rival.
For what felt like forever Harry was compelled to watch as Draco suffered one powerful Cruciatus Curse after another, twisting and turning in agony as his body endured indescribable pain. Having been there himself Harry felt an unusual feeling of sympathy for the boy responsible for letting the death eaters run amuck within the walls of his beloved school. Because after long experience watching through these visions of the dark Lord punish his followers, Harry as well as some of the more seasoned DE could see the signs of where Draco's punishment was leading to.
The painfully Crucio spells cast upon Draco had continued for far longer than the usual amount of time that Voldemort used to 're-educate' one of his foot soldiers concerning the penalties involved for not carrying out his instructions to the letter. Recognizing this Wormtail, one of the dark lord's principle flunkies and personal body servant turned to fetch a Portkey in anticipation of his master's requirements.
"Draco my boy, my disappointment in you for your failure is without end," the dark Lord declared with a snake like hiss to his voice as he lifted the Cruciatus curse so that his victim could hear him. "You were given a series of simple tasks. Arrange for my troops to enter the castle circumventing the defensive wards, ambush the Headmaster, kill him and escape. I was frankly surprised that for the most part you actually succeeded in this assignment, as your father often failed to carry out my most simple orders time and time again …always finding someone else to blame for his repeated failure.
"For a brief instant I began to hope that you were not your father's son and would succeed. But then it happened, with the most important task of all, Dumbledore being murdered by the wand of one of his own precious students, by the hand of a Slytherin, there you failed me as your father had done during the Department of Mysteries assault.
"Had you died in this attempt, I would have had my revenge on Lucius for his numerous failures over the years, by killing …or better yet having Dumbledore kill you in self-defense …the one and only remaining male heir of the Malfoy bloodline capable or reproducing. The final male-heir of an ancient bloodline; that my dark magic alone, provided to your often bungling father …an otherwise totally impotent, arrogant piece of blonde scum!
"As a side benefit of your incompetent death at the Headmasters hands, Slytherin house would have been tainted with the guilt of the assassination. Isolating that House even further from the other school Houses at Hogwarts. Killing forever Dumbledore dream of unification of all four Hogwarts Houses …thus prompting some of the fence sitters from their unspoken ploy of staying-out-of this magical civil war for blood purity. Too many Slytherin pure-blood families have not rallied to my cause as quickly as I would wish it, and therefore have to be prodded to do what is best for the sake of their bloodlines.
"Milord I beg you …forgive me" Draco pleaded.
"Those two goals were behind my sending you to kill the headmaster Draco. You're not my only source of information of the goings on at Hogwarts. Another of your failures was in not informing me of the inner house romantic flirting going on in ever increasing numbers - secretly - between Slytherin students and members of both genders within the other school Houses.
Milord I did not think it worthy of …
"…By the way Severus, I have not forgotten your own failure to provide me with so much as a single name of one of these blood traitors within Slytherin." the Dark lord snapped out turning his attention off of the recovering panting deeply Draco and onto the nearby former potion-master
"Master, I was close to catching one of the leaders of this cross-house foolishness in the act …the very night Draco launched his assault, which he did without my foreknowledge..." ex-professor Snape managed to get out before feeling his master's wrath by suffering the Cruciatus Curse himself.
"You were specifically told to stay out of the attack Severus; I wanted no blood on your hands if by some quirk of fate this girlish coward of a Malfoy finally found enough of his manhood to carry out a man's job. I had arranged for the Board of Governors to name you the next Headmaster instead of McGonagall. Then my conquest of Hogwarts would have been accomplished with a single spell. But that was all thrown down when you …and not Draco killed Dumbledore.
"With the ancient power of Hogwarts at my command, I would have been unstoppable. But that's for later Severus, your punishment will come in due time, first however Draco must pay for his lost opportunity. For when the moment of truth came the effeminate berk couldn't do it. I've been told that Draco shook and trembled like a frightened woman …unable to find the courage to kill an unarmed old man with no means of escape.
"Clearly the powerful Dark-magic spell that I cast upon you sixteen years ago …transforming you within your mother's womb …only gave you the outward appearance of a man. I was as weak as a child for two days after that transformation and all theses years later …I discover it was a wasted effort. You are not a real man Draco and apparently in spite of all my magic …you never will be …so I'll waste no more time and effort on you...
'AVADA KEDAVRA',
The dark Lord screamed loudly as a beam of green light shot out of the end of his wand, hitting the Malfoy boy square in the chest, causing the aura surrounding his body to briefly flair with an unusual golden sheen, before Draco Malfoy dropped to the floor, another in a long line of victims of Voldemort's so-called un-survivable killing curses.
Wormtail, who stood at the sidelines, began to move forward even before the killing curse actually hit the teenager. His master didn't like a dead body lingering on the floor long enough for his followers to feel even the slightest trace of sympathy for the victim. Quickly killed even quicker disposed of was the dark Lords method of reinforcing the lesson of the price of failure to his troops.
Wormtail knew better, from suffering the Cruciatus himself, for moving too slowly in the past, to delay the disposal of the bodies of his master's wrath. In fact the rat faced man even kept an already primed Portkey …in his pocket for just such occasions. He rushed as fast as he could move, over to the apparently lifeless corpse. Grabbed the boys' outstretched limp hand and instantly disappeared; only to reappear on a lonely stretch of road in rural Wales were he preferred to dump the dead.
Knowing his master would be cursing Severus Snape next and not wanting to missed the show, Wormtail skipped his usually policy of rifling through the dead persons pockets for lose change …preferring instead, to return instantly to the dark Lord's headquarters, pausing only long enough to roughly kick the body of the once arrogant Draco Malfoy into the ditch at the side of the road.
However, had Wormtail been in only a sight-bit less of a hurry to return to his master, he would have been around to hear the soft moan of pain coming from what was supposed to have been a lifeless corpse …a very un-usual moan …a very feminine sounding moan.
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Meanwhile far-away in the sixth year Gryffindor boy's dorm, Harry Potter awoke abruptly opening his eyes to see his closet friend Ron looking down at him from his bedside with deep concern clear as day on his face. Asking in a whisper, if his best-mate was; 'all-right there Harry?"
"Yeah Ron, I think so? - I had another nightmare," Harry said as he calmed down.
"You-know-who again?" Ron asked in a worried tone.
"Yeah, I just saw …I think; Malfoy is dead"
"You-know-who killed the ferret?" Ron asked pleased at what he considered to be 'good' news.
"Maybe? - But I'm not sure. There was something a bit-off about it, it wasn't quite like the other times I've seen Voldemort kill," Harry said remembering the golden aura.
"You think it might be a false memory to throw us off, like that time at the Department of Mysteries. This whole war is like a game of wizard chess to that tosser, trying to confuse his real game strategy by making false moves." Ron said showing more wisdom than he was usually noted for.
"Yes-and-No …Ron. I think it was real, it just felt different that's all, not at all like the usual feeling I get when he kills, like something didn't work just right - oh hell I don't know, I must be going mental. Everyone knows you can't survive the killing curse..." Harry declared rambling on - only to have his best mate gently touch his arm as he reminded his all but blood brother.
"That's not exactly true mate, you survived it!"
"Yeah I did - didn't I?" Harry replied going quiet.
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"Oh shite" came a curse from a near-by curtained bed. A moment later the drapes flew open as a sweating Neville Longbottom jerked awake by his own nightmare made his appearance.
"Alright there; Nev?" Ron asked puzzled by his dorm-mates odd behavior.
"Yeah …I guess so." Longbottom replied shaking his head …trying to clear-it, "But I just had the strangest dream. I was snogging-senseless this well-built blonde …Ya-see, then she pushed away from me to unhook her bra, peeled it off and then tosses it aside."
"And this made you scream in terror?" Ron asked highly amused. "What was wrong …didn't Luna have nice teats."
"Oh this wasn't Luna," Neville said casually, blushing hard.
"Not Luna?" Harry said oddly cheering-up at Neville's discomfort. "You two have a falling-out?"
"That's old news Harry", Neville admitted sadly. "She broke up with me more than a week ago; she said it wasn't working-out between us. She said she had a vision one night and in-it all the castle Nargles …under the orders of the ancient Celtic gods of the U.K. blocked all the romance arrows from forming into the fairies love-hex which is the real reason according to her - - that we mortals fall in love. Luna claims that I'm destined for someone else, who will bare me many offspring's… children that will save two ancient bloodlines from extinction.
"No offense mate, but Luna is a-bit of a nutter… you know?" Ron said semi-apologetically.
"Oh that's rich coming from you, who's secretly in love with a bookworm that wore makeup once in the entire six years we've known her. "Neville spat… too upset by his nightmare to hold his tongue as he normally would. "And Granger acted sexy, just for that one night; to Chat-up that Bulgarian Quidditch player,
"Oi, hold-on he's just a pen-pal." Ron stuttered suddenly worried. Hearing this Neville grabbed a galleon from off his night-table and tossed it across the room. With Ron instinctively as any great keeper would; caught mid-air.
"There Ron, go buy yourself a clue, she is playing you; mate. She writes that 'friend' every bloody-day and all she does with you is argue; 24/7. You're no more likely to get in her knickers than her other 'little-brother' Harry.
"Heaven forbid, that would be like… incest," Harry joked in over-exaggerated disgust.
"She thinks of us as brothers?" Ron asked rapidly becoming depressed, "She told you that."
"She hasn't said squat to me," Neville quickly retorted. "But that's how she behaves, look mate …just ask her… Okay? Find out where you stand with her one way or the other. And if she does look at you as a sibling; then you can drop the one-sided torch you've been carrying for her since fifth year and go-out and find a bird that snogs more and yells at-you …less. You got over Lavender quick enough… didn't you?
"Speaking from experience; eh Nev," Harry said coming to his gob-smacked; stunned speechless, best-mates defense, while at the same time secretly agreeing with Neville's view of Ron's chances with Hermione.
"Yeah, so what? Neville retorted hotly. Lots of girls here regard of me as their pretend big-brother, and when they tell me… I don't waste any more time with them. How much time have you spent hanging-about Cho Chang since she dumped you, Harry?
"Point taken and yeah, it hurt like hell for a-while. But you're right once a bird calls you the 'B' word, it's time to move on and never look back. Unless a sister is what ya want.
"Not matter how a rejection happens; break-ups with a girl you fancy always hurt," Neville replied sadly. "But as a sort-of consolation-prize …just so I wouldn't feel too bad about being dumped …as ordered by the Gods. Luna admitted that the sex had been really great …"
"Sex …you've had sex?" Ron stuttered, utterly surprised.
"Well yeah …haven't you," Neville asked Ron. "I thought you and Lavender had …"
"Well we …sort-of did; some stuff …but we hadn't done anything like …'that'. Not before we broke-up anyway …Lavender wanted to; but it didn't sit right with me," Ron rambled on a bit his ears turning bright red.
"How about you Harry, didn't you do the deed with Chang?"
"Oh …well …the truth is … we didn't get beyond a single awkward snog." Harry admitted reluctantly determined to keep his new relationship with Ginny a total secret. "How many times did you and Luna …do it?"
"Oh about a dozen sessions all-together …and six goes at bringing her to orgasm on average, each time Luna got in the mood for a … coupling," Neville said casually as if that amount of lovemaking was commonplace. "She can be a real randy-mink when the mood strikes her. But it was soon apparent after a few similar encounters in broom-cupboards …that she wanted more than I could give her."
"Are you saying that you couldn't bring Luna off …once in six tries?" Harry asked amazed.
"Well to tell the truth …" Neville said deeply embarrassed.
"…Yeah-yeah …it's always good to tell the truth". Ron interrupted with a snort.
"Actually on average I'd bring her-off two times in the cunny and …the other three times was by mouth," Neville said turning red in embarrassment at his failure.
You shagged Luna six times and only made her see the-stars five times. Ron said with mocking disappointment.
"Oh I feel bad about letting her down … I sort-of lose count of bring her off half way through most of the times we shagged …I think we had sex six times that first time …or maybe it was; seven".
"Neville …you stud!" Harry said with a huge smile beaming at his friends …unexpected bedroom skills.
"Luna didn't think so." Neville said shaking his head sadly. "I didn't have the stamina she's looking for."
"She enjoys the big 'O' Five times per-bunk-up and that's still not enough for her?"
"Yeah, Luna said when she broke up with me; that a 'real man' should be able to last longer than just four hours. She said the Quibbler had an article wherein elderly Muggle men on some drug or other; have stiffies that last at least that long.
"Yeah …oh right-then," Ron stammered not really sure as to what to say. "So if it wasn't randy-Luna that made you scream …who did, and why?," Ron asked in a rapidly growing worried tone as he wondered if he could match that sexual-feat with Hermione, provided she fancied him at all; that-way.
"Don't know …meaning I saw her …but didn't; at the same time. I looked into those grey eyes that seemed to bore into my very soul. I know for certain she had extra-white; platinum Blonde hair that hung down her back to her bum like a cape. But …every time I kissed her …this white-blonde succubus's face would… kind-of get-blurred …you know …go-out of focus".
"But she had a big rack, right?" Seamus asked eagerly as he joined the conversation; sitting up in his own bed while trying to redirect the conversation back to what he thought of as the really important stuff.
"No …not that can I recall," Neville admitted reluctantly. "She was just a wet-dream girl …you know? So she wasn't real …okay? But what I did see of her breasts they weren't the humongous teats from the Japanese Hentai magazines that our-dear Seamus fancies and keep's hidden in his school-trunk."
"Hey leave my reading material out of this," Seamus snorted not at all embarrassed at being caught-out.
"My dream Blonde," Neville continued unabated, "which I didn't see all that clearly, appeared to have a petite balanced figure …her chest in prefect proportion to hips. She was shorter than me… in height, I know that much and from what I could make-out, I'd say her bosom was a cup size smaller than Luna's; who has a firm and perky solid 'D'-cup.
"So, this platinum-blond bird has smaller bobbies than Luna," Seamus said asking for clarification.
"With unusually elongated nips; yeah," Neville replied softly.
"A mysterious white Blonde …eh" Ron said rubbing his chin and thinking hard. "Traditional blondes… Hogwarts has by the cart load, dirty blondes, strawberry blondes we have some of those as well, but a Platinum blonde around here are as rare as a trustworthy Slytherin".
"I have to agree with Ron," Harry interjected thoughtfully. "Your dream girl isn't here, you'll have to check-out the Village girls, or the shop-clerks in Diagon Alley when we get home for holiday."
"Yeah …you're right of course." Neville said. "I keep telling myself that she isn't real, but I've got this fantasy girl stuck in my head …you know?"
"Well you prefer blondes, so what? Every bloke has a type of girl they fancy," Ron said. "I … well… apparently it's no secret that I prefer brown …bushy-haired bookworms, and Harry …what is your type Harry …Eurasians with jet-black hair?"
"Nope …Cho cried too much," Harry said holding back the truth. "I haven't settled for a particular type yet, keeping my options open …you know."
"But let's not get off topic," Ron said refocusing on Neville. "You woke up like from a nightmare and I like to know why. A topless platinum-blonde's, throwing aside her bra, shouldn't cause you to swear and sweat. Unless you're afraid you'll never get back to this particular dream-girl again.
"No such luck," Neville said sadly. "I've had this same dream countless times now, always the same faceless white blonde. Sometimes the setting changes, but always with the same urgency."
"Urgency?"
"This is going to sound odd as hell, but my dream-blonde seems desperate to make love to me, here in the dorm-room, in hallway broom-cupboards, my bedroom at home, open fields, Quidditch-pitch stands, on-top of tables, shower-stalls, or bent-over kitchen sinks …anywhere really."
"What's odd about that?" Ron asked. "Most blokes dream of sexually aggressive birds."
"Oh; Really?" Neville countered. "When you're dreaming of your seventeen year old bookworm trying to undo your trousers ...does her randy banter include rants on how destiny is very-upset with her for being so far behind in getting into the pudding club. Does your know-it-all complain in-between snogs that you need to put a bum in her oven …as in yesterday? Do half of your non-sexual hallucinations of Granger …at a Quidditch match watching you play …or having ice cream in Diagon Alley involves her wearing maternity clothing?"
"That's how my dreams of my mysterious platinum Blonde alternate, randy as hell for anywhere sex in one vision and with a huge baby-bulge in another. And yet; being pregnant doesn't lessen her appetite to shag, for in my dreams she is always downright insatiable for nonstop sex… even nine months gone with child".
"You sometimes have randy-dreams of making love to a pregnant girl?" Ron asked amazed, "Your right mate …that is ruddy odd."
"And it's always with the same randy blonde?" Seamus asked in wonder.
"Always, I use to pretend that I was dreaming of Luna," Neville explained. "But the body types are just too different. Luna has a classic hour-glass figure and loves the sun. My white-blonde on the other hand; is a frail little-thing and has extra-pale delicate-skin … the kind that burns in the sun so easily."
"This has got to mean something," Harry said suddenly very serious. "Remember …I had that prophecy at the Ministry. It broke fifth-year, but Voldemort certainly put a lot-of stock in it. So I have recently become a great believer in fate and destiny".
"You're preaching to the choir, Harry." Neville said. "I've already had several chats with the now …late Headmaster. Before his …murder. He told me that my white-blonde might-be a real person and Dumbledore thought-it might-be my destiny to have children with her …whoever she is? He also said that you and I were both touched by destiny, yours had been spelled-out clearly …whereas mine remains vaguer."
"Well if you picture her in the pudding club, I can understand Dumbledore's reasoning there." Harry said logically.
"Sweet Merlin …Harry, I'm not even eighteen yet," Neville asked frustrated. "Why have I been chosen to make all these children …and why do these dreams of mine seem to stress that I have already fallen behind some predetermined baby-making timeline. It's as if …I should have already met this blonde, that we should have been snogging each other senseless for a couple of years already and have now progressed to the shagging like rabbits stage.
Did you tell Luna about this dream girl? Harry asked.
"Oh …sure, that'll be a greatest chat-up line ever," Seamus said with a snort. "I fancy you loads but your boobies are too big to be the Mum of my nippers.
"Yeah, that's basically why I didn't tell Luna, you got that in one go," Neville sneered at Finnegan.
"Neville old-boy get-a-ruddy grip, you're freaking-out over being late …with a white-blonde you haven't even met yet?" Seamus asked now genuinely confused.
"Did you ever have a dream where you were late for something important and you ran and ran to catch-up?" Neville asked the room at large.
"Yeah, I had one about the world-cup; I dreamt that I overslept and I ran full-out to reach the port-key before it activated," Harry admitted. "I'd always wake-up abruptly in a cold sweat afterwards.
"Oh yeah I've had that kind of dream myself," Seamus admitted. "Is that what you had Nev, a running dream? Like Alice's wonderland Rabbit always late for something?"
"That's most of it I guess, I'm in a hurry to shag this blonde, she's beautiful and she wants me bad… which has never happened for me in real life… so some of this is way-cool. But there is more to it than your normal wet-dream. My dream-girl is in real-danger, there are Death Eaters trying hard to kill her, which is odd as she wears the dark-mark herself?
"Hold-On-right there, she's a Death-Eater?" Ron said as his smile abruptly vanished.
"Yeah, can you image me bunking-up with a platinum-blonde …Bellatrix wantabe?"
"No, I can't," Harry said with absolute certainty
"Me either", Ron said thoughtfully. "But you still have an-out don't you? Dumbledore told you it might be your destiny, but he wasn't certain …right?
"Yeah …I guess so, only tonight …my dream took on a …major increase in resolve, like a major piece of the puzzle fell into place …in just the last few hours," Neville said shaking his head in dread. "I sense somehow that the determination to bring this white-blonde and me together… just overcame an important obstacle. The pressure is on… the urgency intensified.
"Are you going to need help finding this bird?" Ron asked. "With Dumbledore dead, there are rumors that the Board is going to close down Hogwarts for good. Before we attend Bill's wedding Harry and I might have some free-time to help you look.
"Yeah, time-permitting we could spare a few hours to help you," Harry chimed-in. "I'm on a quest of my own this holiday, some things I have to find… but otherwise anything for a dorm-mate.
"Thanks Harry, but I don't think that I have to search for my dream-girl, especially after tonight's installment, I can't help but agree with the late Headmaster," Neville said with a sad smile. "Dumbledore was convinced that as my dreams always have my white-blonde hunting me down …aggressively coming-on to me. He felt that if - or - when destiny is good and ready; fate will throw us together hard.
"So she'll come to you?"
"If my dreams are actually premonitions; then yes." Neville said in a resigned tone. "Apparently, destiny has her own time-line that we mere mortals are clueless about."
"Tell me about it." Harry said with clear bitterness.
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End transmission, for Now