Author's Note:

I'm not sure why I ship Soldier/Bad Girl so much. Probably because they're both batshit insane. And it's just so adorably ridiculous. Normally I hate, hate, hate crossovers. Oh well. Also, this is the first time I'm writing het in a while. Hah.

Soldier is from Team Fortress 2, Bad Girl is from No More Heroes—two of my favorite video games.

If you haven't played NMH (and/or NMH2) DO IT! Same goes with TF2. No excuses like "I don't have a wii" or "my 360 red ringed" or "I'm a mac user," maggots!

Also, this is a bit of an AU (obviously?). What I mean is Bad Girl didn't die (oops, spoiler if you haven't played NMH), she managed to survive a beam katana sticking through her chest (hey, Destroyman survived and he was split completely in half).

-Chapter 1-

The RED team couldn't remember the last time they had captured the intelligence let alone spent a match where they could get out of their respawn room for more than five minutes at a time. The Reliable Excavation Demolition company was beginning to get desperate—at that rate BLU would win for sure—and so they decided to do something drastic: calling in an expert.

She went by the name of Bad Girl, she was a perverted killing maniac—an assassin. More importantly, she was a recently disgraced assassin, and more bloodthirsty than ever before. When RED approached her, she readily signed up, made her Gimps pack her belongings and got on the next train, ready to make people pay with their lives.

When she set foot off of the train, Engineer was there to greet her. "Ya sure ya got the right stop, little lady?" he asked in surprise. She was a skinny little thing, without her pink high heels on she most likely would have been as short as him. It's not that Engineer thought girls couldn't fight with the men (though, he did disapprove of the idea of having a lady on the battle field), Bad Girl's appearance had thrown him off. On top of being a petite woman, she was wearing a ruffly, pink a-line dress, cinched at the waist with a large pink ribbon, tied into a bow at the back—it looked like it had been inspired by a baseball uniform—thigh high white socks, with the same pink frilly detailing on them, held up by garters. He was sure that at the right angle someone could look up the poor woman's skirt with how short it was. And with how low cut the top was along with how generously endowed she was in the chest region, he couldn't help but worry she might attract some unwanted attention; especially since their resident Scout was known for being a sex craved little rascal.

Twirling her bat around with a gloved hand, Bad Girl grunted at Engie in acknowledgment. She flipped her thick blonde hair behind her shoulder, walking on as two black pleather clad, masked men—who Engie wasn't quite sure should have left the house looking like they did—stepped down onto the platform, carrying luggage that matched her dress. "Yeah, I'm sure," she stated bluntly, "Come on." Engie looked at the men, debating on whether or not it was best to ask about them.

"Well, the base is just over yonder," he said, motioning in the direction, "Yer stuck here until yer contract runs out. Don't try escapin', you'll jus end up in the respawn room." He refrained from mentioning the details of that one. "The Administrator has cameras just about everywhere, so she'll know," he said, rubbing his head under his helmet, glancing up at the slightly taller woman. Something about her was off putting. He liked to think girls were sweet and nurturing but something about this one just seemed twisted. She nodded, not commenting as she followed Engie, spinning her obviously bloodied bat about with one hand as her Gimps trotted behind them with the luggage as best as they could manage.

"The fuck?" Scout looked up from his bowl of cereal, milk dribbling out of his gaping mouth as he stared at Bad Girl in shock. He barely recovered enough to swallow his cereal thickly as he continued staring at the woman Engie had brought back, the other members of the team sitting around with similar expressions on their faces. After a moment a grin spread across the boy's face as he said, "Yo, Engie, I think you brought back the wrong person. RED said they were hiring an assassin, you brought back some chick." He didn't mind so much that the girl was there, but they had said they were sending someone helpful. "Dude, I'm the scout around here," he said when he noticed the bat she started twirling around in one hand as he spoke.

"Son, she is our support," Engie replied calmly, "And she ain't no scout. She's Bad Girl." Scout sputtered at the name, ready to make a witty comment but Soldier suddenly climbed up from his seat, walking over the table to stand in front of Bad girl. There wasn't an even an inch of space between the two, and Engie edged away, not wanting to get caught in the middle of whatever was about to go down.

"Women are not allowed in the military," Soldier practically shouted, spit flying from his mouth.

Bad Girl ran a gloved hand down her face, smearing her already worn dark eyeshadow down her face slightly, only adding to her depraved appearance. "Good thing this isn't the military," she hissed out before bringing her bat to crash into Soldier's helmet, forcing the man onto the ground with one fell swoop. "And don't go thinking that you're better than me just because you're a guy," she said, stepping over the man to stand before the table of onlookers—her new team. The Gimps remained in the doorway, holding her heavy luggage.

Soldier grinned as the woman stepped above him, noting that she wore white underwear. He liked her already; she had spunk. He'd get over her gender if she could prove herself in battle. She was obviously stronger than she looked, managing to knock a well-built man like himself over with one blow.

"I am the assassin RED hired," she said pointedly, "I was ranked second in the UAA."

Scout opened his big mouth, asking, "What the fuck's a UAA?" He suspected it had something to do with unicorns and rainbows.

"I believe it stands for United Assassins Association, no?" Spy asked, the only one who had managed to remain unfazed by Bad Girl's arrival, "But you were beaten by Travis Touchdown." He noted her expression growing darker at the mention of her rival.

"Yeah, somethin' like that," she said, "Technically he gave up, but the UAA still said he won." Bastards.

Scout twirled his spoon around in his fingers, trying to figure out what the hell they were talking about. "You ain't even wearin' red, how're we s'posed ta trust that yer even on our team?" he asked, pointing that spoon accusingly at the woman before him.

She smirked, grabbing his can of bonk. Scout could only sit back in horror as Bad Girl opened the can and drank it all. Before he knew what hit him, Scout was on the ground, legs in the air as he fell off the bench. His head hurt like hell and the crushed can of Bonk! Atomic Punch beside him was obviously the culprit.

"Pink's a light shade of red, fucker," she said, ignoring Spy's comment that red was a dark shade of pink, "Anyone else got anything to say to me?"

Clearing his throat, Medic stood up, "I vill need to examine you, Frau Bad Girl. Engineer vill also need to put you into zhe respawn system."

"Yeah, all right," Bad Girl responded, spinning around, wielding her bat as she struck Soldier again, sending him flying across the room. An amused giggle spewed forth from the girl as she moved over to her Gimps, pausing to turn around: "Give me a thirty minutes, 'kay?" Medic nodded silently, warily returning to his seat. He wasn't too terribly concerned about Soldier's well being; the man liked pain. With that, Bad Girl strutted off, having been assigned the tenth bedroom that had been previously unoccupied. She had the Gimps unpack her things as she went to the bathroom to freshen up, fixing her makeup, messing up her hair a bit. She hadn't expected the guys to take too kindly to her arrival, but what did she care? She didn't need their approval. She was there to kill BLUs and to prove herself as a hired killer once again. She was the best.

Not even ten minutes after she had set foot in that room, there was a knock on the door. "Fuck." She grabbed her bat, opening the door to find no one there.

And then there was a rocket launcher aimed directly at her head. "All right, maggot," Soldier said, "First thing's first. The matches start at eight AM sharp and end at exactly five PM. Dawdling is for lily-livered cowards, and I don't like cowards." Bad Girl frowned, not understanding how being slow made someone a coward—but that wouldn't be a problem. "Now show me your weapons, woman," Soldier said, "I need to inspect them."

Bad Girl snorted, trying to keep a straight face as she poked him in the chest with her bat, "This is it."

"What?" Soldier asked, staring at the bat, eyes bulging under his helmet, "You don't have any proper weapons? This is war! This is not a game." He watched in surprise as the girl bunny hopped backwards, ready to blow her into some lovely giblets with his rocket launcher as she raised her bat above her head.

"Go... to... hell!" the bat came crashing down as she called out, the force of the blow causing her to produce a guttural grunt. But Soldier was on the ground, helmet rolling away as he stared up at her wide eyed. That was the third time she'd downed him in less than thirty minutes—yeah, he liked this Bad Girl. A deranged smile spread over Soldier's face as Bad Girl crouched over him, giving him a nice view of her panties once more. "You think you're hot stuff," she said, "But that's the third time I've gotten you." She poked him with a gloved finger. "Get over yourself, Soldier," she said, "Obviously your team sucks and the shitty weapons you use, those suck too and you need my help or RED wouldn't have called me in. So fuck off." With that she stood back up, raising the bat above her head for a repeat move. A sickening crack was heard when her bat met Soldier's head. Bad Girl smirked, straightening up. "Come on," she said, over her shoulder to the gimps as she wiped a fleck of blood off of her face, Soldier's body disappearing from underneath her legs, "I have a doctor to visit."

-Author's Note-

Reviews appreciated! I hope I'm not the only one that fancies this crossover and pairing.

I do not have a beta reader for this story as of yet.