Gaara Makes A Wish
Chapter 1
A/N: This takes place after the time jump when every one is older. Also, I haven't read anything of the manga past the point were that voodoo guy fights Asuma and the others.
Ah, the Village of Hidden Sand. A virtual paradise if you like sand. But that has nothing to do with our story today...
"Cough."
Gaara coughed a bit.
"Harder."
Gaara coughed a bit harder, raising his hand to his mouth.
"Listen as much as I enjoy holding your nuts you're going to have to do better than that."
Gaara sighed and coughed as hard as he could, nearly doubling over from the effort.
"Ok, I think we got it but cough just one more time to be sure..."
"Oh goddamnit!" cursed Gaara, coughing again.
"There, all done!" said Kabuto with a wink.
A while back Kabuto had managed to escape from Hidden Sound and opened a small doctor's office in Hidden Sand to make a living. It was a quaint little place, consisting of only a waiting room and the doctor's room. Gaara was currently standing next to the examination table with his pants and undies around his ankles. It was time for his annual check up and despite having not wanted to go Baki threatened to do a hotcarl on him in his sleep if he didn't comply.
"Well its about time." muttered Gaara, pissed that the appointment was cutting into his Sesame Street watching time. He pulled up his undies, which had pictures of Cookie Monster on them.
"Not so fast my red headed little friend." said Kabuto with a gentle smile. "We still have to do the prostate exam."
"But doc..." whined Gaara.
"Now now Gaara, this is important. If you get prostate cancer you're as good as dead." said Kabuto cheerfully pulling on a latex glove with a snap. "Now be a good boy and bend over please."
"That sounds like something Orochimaru would say." laughed Gaara as he bent over onto the table.
"No Orochimaru used to say, "Bend the fuck over bitch or do you want me to punch you again? Huh, you like being punched don't you, you little bitch. Thats what I thought, yeah, tell me you love it. Tell me you love it! Now put my condom on!" He may have seemed like a smooth and gently person but he was quite violent during sex when drunk." said Kabuto, shuddering involuntarily. He quickly snapped out of it though. "Now you may experience some minor discomfort..."
Kabuto smiled, that was his favorite phrase as a doctor.
After a little digging around the exam was over and Kabuto left the room to check the results. Gaara pulled up his pants and sat on the table, humming to himself, it was such a beautiful day, nothing could possibly go wrong. Just then the phone rang. Gaara stared at it for a moment, not knowing if Kabuto would want him to answer it or not. After a few rings he decided, what the hell, and picked up the phone.
"Hello?" said Gaara.
"Yes, hi. Who am I speaking too?" said the voice on the other end with a slight lisp.
"This is Gaara, who the hell are you?" asked Gaara, getting a funny feeling.
"Uh, well you see... Kiba." said the voice. "By the way, have you seen Kabuto lately?
"Oh hi Kiba, its been a while since me and my bro and sis saved your ass from those guys from Hidden Sound." said Gaara smugly. "God, Hidden Sound is so gay, how could you possibly loose to them?"
"Hidden Sound does not suck!" shouted the voice. "And I swear to you one day we will rule the world! Actually, I mean they will rule the world..."
"Riiiiiiiiight." said Gaara with a smirk as he rolled his eyes.
"Anyway, have you seen Kabuto?" asked the voice again, this time with a bit of an edge to it.
"Oh yeah, he just had his fingers up my butt." said Gaara matter-of-factly.
"That cheating whore! He's mine I tell you, mine!" screamed the voice angrily.
"Geez Kiba calm down, since when do care who's butt Kabuto sticks his fingers into?" replied Gaara.
"Oh well... I don't, I guess. I was just saying... oh listen, so Kabuto is there in Hidden Sand?" said the voice, calming down a bit.
"Well duh, of course he is." said Gaara. "He's got a bitchin' doctors office here."
"Oh ok. Well I've got to go feed my dogs, I'll talk to you later. Bye." said the voice.
"Ok see you later Kiba." said Gaara hanging up the phone.
Just then Kabuto came back into the room holding a clip board.
"Oh, was someone on the phone?" asked Kabuto nervously. "It wasn't... Orochimaru was it..."
"No, it was just Kiba." replied Gaara. "And even if it was Orochimaru you know I'd never tell him that you're hiding out here in Hidden Sand."
"Thanks Gaara-kun, you're such a sweet boy." said Kabuto with a smile. "Well, as it turns out, your completely healthy, no problems what so ever."
"Awesome!" exclaimed Gaara. "Does this mean I can leave now?"
"Yep, I'll send you your bill in the mail, it will be seventy dollars even." said Kabuto flipping through the papers on his clip board.
"Well ok, see ya later doc." said Gaara, heading for the door.
"Oh wait, wait just a minute here..." said Kabuto, looking at one paper in particular.
"What now?" asked Gaara impatiently.
"Um, this is so awkward, how can I put this..." muttered Kabuto tapping his pen against his chin. "Oh what the hell, I'll just spit it out. Gaara, you have testicle cancer..."
"What are testicles?" asked Gaara giving him a strange look.
"Your balls. You have cancer in your balls. I'm so sorry..." said Kabuto sadly, bowing his head a bit.
Gaara's face turned even paler than usual. "W-what? You mean, my nuts... there going to rot off?"
"Much worse I'm afraid dear boy." said Kabuto shaking his head. "You see, according to my calculations you don't have long to live..."
Tears welled up in Gaara's eyes. "W-well, I guess I'd better go, Sesame Street will be over soon..."
"You're such a brave kid Gaara." said Kabuto as Gaara slowly walked out of the room.
"Thanks doc..." said Gaara quietly, closing the door after him.
As soon as he was gone Kabuto burst out laughing.
"What a dumbass, he actually fell for it!" said Kabuto, doubling over from the laughter.
Just then the door burst open and Gaara was standing there looking pissed as fuck. Kabuto froze and just stared at him a minute.
"Wait just a minute here. Wait just a fucking minute!" said Gaara dangerously.
"Uh, yes Gaara, may I help you." stammered Kabuto standing up straight again, nervous sweat forming on his brow.
"This is bullshit, this is total bullshit!" shouted Gaara. "How the fuck can Baki do a hot carl on me in my sleep if I never sleep in the first place!"
"Uh, well, I guess he can't..." replied Kabuto hesitantly.
"Thats fucking right! This whole doctors visit was for nothing! I can't believe I'm so gullible sometimes!" with that Gaara stormed out of the office.
Kabuto breathed a sigh of relief and sank down into his chair.
Gaara walked down the street slowly, like a man walking to the electric chair to be executed. Everything seemed dull, gray and lifeless to him. Just then there was a crack of lightning and it began to rain, completely soaking the poor red head. Then a car drove by and splashed muddy water all over him. Gaara didn't seem to care though, he just kept walking slowly, his eyes downcast, his whole body slumped like he was bearing the weight of the entire world. Just then Kiba's sister came by, walking one of her puppies. Suddenly the puppy went berserk and began attacking Gaara, biting him on the leg!
"Oh god what the hell!?" screamed Gaara trying to get the vicious little critter off of him. "Isn't it enough that I'm going to die!? What, a dog has to fucking attack me too!?"
"Oh I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry about this!" exclaimed Kiba's sister pulling the dog off of him. "Butch usually isn't this mean around strangers."
"Yeah well why don't you just have Butch there bite me in the balls since thats where my fucking cancer is!" shouted Gaara venomously.
"I- I'm really sorry to hear that..." said Kiba's sister giving him a strange look. "Well good luck with that ok, I've got to get Butch here to Dr. Kabuto for his neutering..."
She walked off quickly, leaving the young sand ninja to his misery.
Gaara continued walking, now limping a bit from his hurt leg. Just then Rin drove up in an awesome sports car and rolled down the passenger side window a bit. She was wearing some very shorts shorts and revealing shirt.
"Hey cutie pie, you're lookin' pretty down." she said frowning a bit.
"Am I going to be visited by every minor Naruto character today..." sighed Gaara rubbing his forehead a bit. "Yes I'm looking down, I have nut cancer!"
"Hey that sucks, wanna go back to my place for some Jager bombs and hot dirty sex?" asked Rin with a wink. "I'll let you play with these big boobies that Dr. Kabuto gave me. They cost a fortune."
"Can I watch Sesame Street?" asked Gaara hopefully.
"Sure thing kiddo!" said Rin with a smile.
Gaara approached the car and reached for the handle. Rin smirked and hit the gas a bit and pulled the car forward just out of his reach.
"What the hell..." muttered Gaara in confusion, walking forward a bit. Just as he was reaching for the handle Rin moved the car forward again. "Hey cut that out!"
Gaara tried for the handle again but Rin once again moved the car forward, laughing her ass off.
"Sorry honey, but I wouldn't have sex with you even if you didn't have nut cancer!" she cackled evilly as she hit the gas, speeding off into the distance.
"Very fucking funny you stupid bitch!" Gaara shouted after her, waving his fist. "And you weren't even original just now, I've seen those damn "Messin' with Sasquatch" commercials too!"
Gaara continued walking home, wondering if the day could possibly get any worse. He then happened to walk by a TV store, and guess what was on the TVs in the store window.
"Oh my god, Sesame Street!" shouted Gaara, hope finally filling his soul as he ran over to the window. Big Bird and Snuffalufacus were on!
"Thats right kids, this is the last episode. We're officially going off the air." said Big Bird as cheerfully as ever.
"Thanks for all the moneys kids, the drugs we boughts with thems was greats." said Snuffy.
"W-what... this can't be..." stammered Gaara, his whole body beginning to tremble.
"Well now that we've got that bit of bad news out of the way, the rest of the episode will be filled by Oscar the Grouch bitching about something." said Big Bird petting Snuffy. "Also I guess we can take these stupid costumes off now." Big Bird an Snuffy then took their costumes off revealing two homeless looking guys and a midget.
At that point Gaara completely lost it. He broke down crying right there in the middle of the sidewalk, bawling his eyes out like a little baby, curled up into the fetal position. People came and went, just looking on the poor boy with a mixture of disgust and pity. Lucky for him, an old friend stopped came by.
"Hey Gaara, are you ok?"
Gaara looked up and through his tears saw Tenten standing there with a concerned look on her face. "Even Rin had more relevance to the series..."
"What was that Gaara?" asked Tenten, confused.
"Uh, whats your name again?" he muttered, still wallowing in his own misery.
"Its Tenten, obviously." she said, an edge of annoyance in her voice.
"Oh thats right, that girl who throws stuff." said Gaara sitting up a bit. "What are you doing here in Hidden Sand."
"Oh that..." she replied with a cheerful smile, all traces of annoyance gone. "Well, you see, I had an appointment with Dr. Kabuto. And guess what, I'm pregnant!"
Tenten squealed with glee.
"Oh wow, thats great, when is the stork coming?" asked Gaara.
"Gaara, babies don't come from storks..." said Tenten giving him a strange look.
"But those commercials with the diapers and the stork and..." began Gaara, clearly confused.
"No silly, let me explain it." said Tenten, leaning down to whisper to him.
After a few moments Gaara finally heard the story of the birds and the bees for the first time in his life.
"Oh god... oh god no!!" cried Gaara, curling back up into the fetal position. "I- I wasn't read to hear that... oh my god!"
"Come on Gaara, you're what, like 16 now, you had to learn sometime." said Tenten raising an eyebrow.
"But... but, I always thought sex was just for making money... not babies..." stammered Gaara, his eyes wide with horror.
"No, no silly, thats just on weekends." said Tenten with a wink.
She could see now that being raised by Baki may have been in part why Gaara was such a fucked up individual.
flashback
It was a bright sunny day thought Baki as he carried an infant Gaara who was strapped into a car seat. Temari and Kankuro were at the academy learning ninja stuff and he wanted to get out for a little fresh air, and some gambling and hookers too. He steped out of the huge double doors of the mansion and took a deep breath, yeah today was a good day to throw away some money, especially since it wasn't his anyway. Gaara was cooing and making cute baby sounds, enjoying being out in the sun for a change.
"You're such a cute boy Gaara, and an awesome chick magnet too." said Baki with a huge smile as he walked over to the badass sports car a servant had pulled around in front of the mansion. "Its a good thing your dad pays me so much to take care of you kids, I'm gonna hit the casinos hard today."
He set Gaara on top of the car for a moment as he took out his keys and unlocked it. He leaned in and swept all the empty beer bottles and cigarette butts onto the floor, clearing off an area in the passenger side seat. Once he was satisfied he got in the car closed the door. Baki grinned as he cranked it up, the V12 roaring to life. He shifted into first gear and was just about to take off when suddenly he remembered something...
"Holy crap, I nearly forgot..." he sighed with relief, wiping his brow. Baki quickly got out of the car and ran back to the doors of the mansion, locking them.
"Can't be too careful now a days." he said with a chuckle.
Baki rushed back to the car, jumping in and closing the door. He licked his lips as he thought of all the call girls he'd be able to hire as he hit the gas, the impressive sports car going from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds.
The rear view mirror provided a good view of baby Gaara flying off the roof of the car and tumbling down the street.
"Oh shit..."
end flashback
Tenten just sighed and leaned down to help Gaara up.
"Come on, lets get you home before you catch cold..." she said trying to lift him up a bit. "Come on Gaara you've got to help me out, I'm 8 weeks pregnant after all."
"Ugh, so thats why your stomach is so fat and ugly!" said Gaara recoiling a bit as the whole birds and bees talk started to make sense to him.
"Gaara thats impolite. Pregnant women are very beautiful." said Tenten with a frown.
"Wait a minute here... who's the father?" asked Gaara suspiciously.
"Sasuke is tee hee!" giggled Tenten the way little girls do when they get pregnant.
"But nobody has seen him in like 5 years." replied Gaara flatly.
"Listen, Dr. Kabuto is a very reputable doctor, he knows what he's talking about." said Tenten.
"Yeah I guess you have a point, normal bumpkins like us just can't understand complex medical stuff." said Gaara with a nod.
Before long Tenten had walked the dejected Gaara back to his home in the ghetto section of Hidden Sand. The courts had given the vast fortune their father, the former Kazekage, had owned to Temari and Kankuro's mother, who ever the hell she was. Gaara had taken a seat on the couch and was staring blankly at the TV, which wasn't even turned on while Tenten had a talk with Baki.
"Listen Baki, Gaara is a very sexually confused young man, I can't believe you haven't had "the talk" with him." said Tenten, seemingly unsurprised by the fact that Baki was wearing leather bondage gear. "He even believed that babies came from a stork."
"Why thats ridiculous, everyone knows babies come from when a spider like face hugger jumps on a person's face and then a few weeks later a baby bursts out of their chest, hopefully a queen so it can lay eggs so more face huggers can be born and continue the glorious cycle of life." said Baki dismissively.
Tenten slapped herself in the face. "Ok whatever, I've already explained it to him. Maybe you should do some research on the topic as well. Anyway, I've got to get going, tell Temari she's invited to the baby shower and good luck with your testicle cancer Gaara." she said, waving bye to Gaara who just sat there like a corpse, not acknowledging her.
"Gaara you have nut cancer!?" exclaimed Baki.
"Gee thanks Tenten!" sneered Gaara glaring at her, seeming to awake from his daze. "Just tell the world why don't ya!?"
"Oh sorry about that." said Tenten with apologetic smile. "Well, this certainly is an awkward situation now... I guess I'll see you guys later tee hee!"
With that Tenten began skipping off down the street. Baki sighed and went and sat down next to Gaara on the couch, putting an arm around him in a fatherly manner. Gaara didn't even look at him, just sitting there with his arms folded and a dirty look on his face.
"Now Gaara, there comes a time in everyman's life when he has to deal with difficult things like nut cancer." began Baki solemnly. "But first, tell me all about Tenten's pregnancy! I just love juicy gossipy stuff!" Baki giggled while rubbing his hand together.
"Fuck you Baki!" shouted Gaara pushing him away.
"Hey just because your nuts are about to rot off is no reason to be an asshole." retorted Baki.
Just then the door opened and Kankuro walked in. He was dressed in a pair of blue overalls over red shirt and carrying a tool box. "I never thought cleaning pipes and unclogging drains could be such hard work..." he muttered as he set the tool box down.
"I cleaned a few pipes myself today." said Baki with a smirk as he bobbed his head up and down a bit.
"By the way, I passed the token girl member of Neji's team on the way here, whats her name again?" remarked Kankuro setting his tool box down.
"Don't remember and don't care." said Gaara flatly, still staring at the blank TV.
"Looks like somebody's had a bad day." said Temari as she came down the stairs. She was wearing nothing but a loose gray T-shirt and a pair of panties. She also had dark circles under her eyes and her hair was a mess, not even pulled back into four ponytails anymore.
Times had been rough for the Sand siblings household as of late and they each had taken up a part time job to help get by. Kankuro worked as a plumber and was constantly out of the house fixing pipes or something. Baki had become a professional dominatrix, using his bondage dungeon in the basement to earn some cash. Gaara had started work as a paper boy and Temari was struggling to start a career as a writer. Things weren't going so well for her though.
"Give him a break Temari, he has nut cancer!" snapped Baki.
"Baki!" shouted Gaara, giving him a murderous look.
"Wow thats too bad Gaara." said Kankuro dispassionately as he grabbed a beer from the fridge. "Wanna beer?"
"Yeah, sucks to be you Gaara." said Temari with a smirk. "Would make a good story though... nah, it'd probably suck."
"Stop making light of his situation Temari!" shouted Baki. "Out of all of us you're the only one who hasn't earned a single dime. You're skating on thin ice missy, I should kick you out!"
"Yeah you try that and I'll snap your cock in half, then where will your bondage business be?" said Temari scratching her ass. "Besides once I strike it big as an author, you tards will bow before me for all eternity!"
Temari cackled wildly with a crazed look in her eyes.
"Yep, she's really loosing it..." muttered Kankuro taking another drink from his beer.
Later that night Gaara lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He was so depressed he couldn't sleep, but then again, he never slept anyway. He could hear Temari in the other room ranting and raving about something as usual and eventually it began to annoy him to the point to where he couldn't concentrate on staring at the ceiling. His face twisted into an angry grimace. "Temari shut the hell up!" he shouted sitting up quickly and banging on the wall behind his bed.
"You shut up asshole!" shouted Temari, throwing her wireless mouse at the wall. She looked back to the computer screen. "I don't believe this shit! I don't believe it!" she shouted furiously. "Temari Meets Mad Max, rejected! Broken Hourglass, rejected! Shinji's Nightmare Cataclysm, rejected! This is total bullshit, those stories were genius! These publishers don't know shit!"
"Believe it or not some people actually try and sleep at night!" shouted Kankuro from his room. "So shut the hell up Temari! We don't care about your stupid books! We don't care!"
"All of you shut the fuck up!" shouted Baki from the basement, banging a steel pipe against the ceiling. "Especially you Temari, I swear I will kick you out of this house so fast!"
After a few minutes Temari quieted down a bit. Baki could still tell she was talking to herself or something but he supposed that was as quiet as she was going to get tonight. He let out a sigh and straightened his blond wig which had slipped out of place a bit when he was banging on the ceiling. Baki then turned back to his work. "Now where was I..."
"You were just about to lash me for being a naughty boy Mistress Lucifina." said Jaraija, his voice dripping with lust. He was currently naked and chained up to a metal bed frame face down. "Oh by the way, the left side of your bra needs more toilet paper, they're kinda uneven..."
"How dare you criticize your mistress!" reprimanded Baki, brining the whip down hard and being rewarded with a nice scream. "But thanks for the tip honey, tee-hee!"
To Be Continued