Ease Apart My Heart
Category: Angst/Fluff if you squint
Pairing: Hameron, House/Cameron
Summary: House and Cameron have been pursuing a casual relationship for nearly three months but now they've reached a turning point that will either make or break them.
Warnings: None; cept for maybe bad writing :P
Disclaimer: Don't own anything… Nudda, zilp and zilch!
Author's Notes: Okay, my first stab at a House fic! It was actually really reallyquite hard, so I apologise now if it's a little OOC... Anywhere I've gone wrong, any constructive criticism is muchy appreciated!
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Water spilt over the brim of his glass as House shut off the kitchen tap.
It was late, he was tired and this was becoming an all too familiar occurrence… but despite his annoyance he turned, limping back to the bedroom.
'Mother of…'
He bit back a curse as his toe collided with the sofa and squinted against the dimly lit room to avoid any other encounters.
Padding slowly across the remaining distance, he reached the room, pausing at the sound that met his ears. The whimpers were soft, barely audible from outside but still clear enough to drive away his frustrations, replacing them with a fleeting moment of concern.
Shaking off the feeling he pushed the door open, making his way over to the bed and after placing the glass of water down on the night stand, he climbed wearily in beside the sleeping women.
At first he'd assumed her hesitation to stay the night was because she didn't want to get hurt. They hadn't discussed what they were doing or where it was going and he'd been mildly surprised when the first time it had happened she'd immediately gotten dressed and proceeded to leave.
The next time he told her she didn't have to go but his voice betrayed the sentiment and to his relief she'd left anyway.
It was only on the fourth time that he'd actually conveyed a small amount of willingness for her to stay... but it had quickly gone to hell when, in a attempt to disguise his hurt at her reluctance, he'd snapped causing a short tirade of unpleasant comments before she once again walked out, a sour look on her face.
Now three months later, he'd discovered the real reason behind her sudden departures.
Allison Cameron had nightmares.
They didn't happen all the time and sometimes they weren't even that bad. Tonight for example, he wouldn't have even noticed except for the fact she was whimpering slightly in her sleep.
However, every so often he would wake to find her shivering in a cold sweat, completely disorientated and terrified when he pulled her out of the hazy dream. They didn't talk about it, if anything his actions were decidedly cool afterwards and although he knew why, he didn't dare admitt it.
Only in the furtherst reaches of his mind would he sometimes accept the fact; he was falling for her.
It wasn't just about sex or that he craved the company, he was starting to feel things. Happiness when she was happy, empathy when she was sad and guilt after she woke up from a nightmare and he turned away. Despite his best efforts her face always lingered in the darkness, a mixture of shame and embarrassment lacing her features.
He wasn't good at dealing with other peoples emotions and so he compensated by being an even bigger ass but that was hurting her and now in turn, hurting him.
One way or another it had to stop.
Unfortunately he'd reached a point where the thought of losing her was nearly as terrifying as letting her in and the longer he avoided taking action, the more blurred the line became.
Letting out a sigh, he swept his hand down the side of his face before rolling closer to the women next to him. Her expression eased slightly and he mentally savored the moment, knowing as soon as he woke her she would tense up again.
A tiny voice in the back of his head reminded him that it didn't have to be like that, if he just opened up she would trust him...
Squashing the thought he brushed her arm lightly, 'Cameron, Cam… Allison.'
Her eyes snapped open and he tried not to flinch as they flashed with fear. He knew it wasn't directed at him but it was still unsettling and he pulled away reaching for the water beside the bed.
'Here drink this.'
She pushed herself up accepting the drink and he watched the fear quickly transition to embarrassment as she became more aware of her surroundings.
'Thanks…'
She offered him the glass back and he didn't miss the slight tremble of her fingers as he removed the object from her hand. It was usually at this point that he turned and remained facing away from her but to both their surprise he moved back around, drawing himself closer so his head was resting just below her elbow on the pillow.
For a moment neither of them spoke until he pointedly caught her gaze.
'This has got to stop.'
A brief look of hurt crossed her features but she quickly concealed it. 'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have stayed, I…'
'I didn't mean…' He grasped her elbow stopping himself short but still effectively cutting her off, 'I was talking about the dreams. You can't be getting more than a few hours of sleep a night, that's not healthy.'
She frowned slightly, confused by the concern he was showing.
What they were doing wasn't healthy.
She'd been expecting him to end it, get fed up or bored and she was prepared for that; always on edge, always suspecting... Wilson, whom she'd confided in, had suggested that her dreams were an apparition of that stress but she'd figured in the long run it was better to protect herself rather than get hurt.
What she couldn't deal with was caring House, screwing with her emotions, knocking her off balance.
'I'm fine, just… go back to sleep.' She pulled herself down, turning away from him and nearly jumped out of her skin when his arm snaked around her waist a moment later.
'House, what are you doing?'
'Going to sleep.'
His words were laced with annoyance but she didn't care. After sex touching was something they didn't do, one of the unspoken 'rules' and if he was changing them, she wanted to know why.
'I meant your arm.'
House inwardly flinched at the accusation in her voice. He knew trying to be comforting would backfire, it always always did and yet for some reason this time that knowledge hadn't stopped him.
Just for a moment he'd wanted to make her feel something other than embarrassment and shame, she didn't need to go making a big deal about it.
'Do we have to talk about this now?' He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, hoping she'd take to the hint but apparently the growl in his voice didn't deter her.
'I need to know.'
'Why?' He asked the question, roughly pulling away from her. 'So you can be all girly and run around telling people that yes, the nasty uncaring doctor House actually has feelings.'
Cameron pushed herself up, meeting his gaze. 'I'm asking because sex is just sex, it doesn't need to mean anything. I can deal with that... but if I think you want something more and you don't, then I'm the one that's going to get hurt.'
House flustered, feeling himself start to get angry.
'Whatever I want is irrelevant because either way you're going to get hurt...' He flicked on the light, unable to stop the words tumbling from his mouth. 'You can't fix me. I'm an arrogant asshole who's manipulative, rude, stubborn and you can't change that. Whoever you want me to be, I am never going to be that person.'
Cameron screwed her eyes shut, shaking her head. In all the time they'd worked together, with everything she'd seen him do not once had she ever tried to change him. 'Why are you so intent on thinking I want something different?'
'Because you deserve better!'
His voice was filled with emotion and he chided himself for the rawness still lacing his words, 'Someone like Chase who's going to worship the ground you walk on, someone who's capable of treating you properly.'
'I want you...' She stared him down, annoyed by his self pitying attitude. 'I've always wanted you. I'm not under any false allusions, I know you're not a hearts and candy type of guy but I admire that. It means when you do something it's not just a cheap gesture, you actually mean it.'
She paused, waiting for the statement to sink in but there was only doubt in his eyes and she sighed, scrubbing a hand across her face. 'All I want from you, all I'm asking… is that if you care about me, if you think there's even the smallest part of you that could love me, tell me.'
House inwardly flinched, hating the heighted level of emotion. It made him feel weak and vulnerable and even if he'd wanted to, the words dried up in his mouth before he could speak them.
'Okay I get it, even that's too hard.. so I'll make it easy.' There was no malice in her voice as she crawled out of the bed just tired honesty, 'I'm going to go home, sleep and when I see you next pretend these last three months never happened… but if I do that, if you let me walk out of here, then that's it. I can't keep playing this game with you.'
He watched wordlessly as she pulled on her jeans, willing himself to stop her but unable to utter the words.
Maybe he was wrong.
Maybe she could see something beyond his lonely, damaged persona; something that didn't need fixing... but it still didn't change the fact she could do better, so he kept his mouth shut swallowing the response that bubbled in his throat.
Cameron slid on her t-shirt and grabbed her purse refusing to give him the luxury of time. He wasn't moving, wasn't even trying and there was no way in hell she was going to give him the satisfaction of drawing it out.
'Goodbye House.'
She moved quickly, a lump forming in her throat as she pulled the door closed but she refused to cry.
It was her own fault.
In the beginning she'd resolved herself to having no expectations but tonight, with the slightest chance of something more, she'd let her walls crumble. It was stupid and naive and when she reached the front door she slammed it shut, angry for once again putting herself in such a situation.
He didn't love her.
He couldn't love her.
Briskly walking down his drive, her hands trembled as she searched for her keys. How could she have been so stupid? Wilson had tried to tell her again and again what a bad idea it was but she ignored him, honestly thinking she could handle it.
Arriving at the car, she placed the key in the lock cursing as the ring slipped from her grasp and as she moved to pick them up she paused, transfixed by the streetlight as it bounced off the shiny surface.
He didn't love her, but god she loved him.
The realization was gut wrenching and she sucked in a breath, sliding down the side of the car, no longer caring about keeping up a front.
She was alone.
He'd let her walk out.
What did it matter if she bore her heart out to the sidewalk?
Drawing her knees up to her chest, she tried to fight the silent sobs that wracked her body. It shouldn't be like this. House was right, she should be happy with someone like Chase who would never hurt her like this.
Of course that was the catch; she would never love him enough to be this hurt.
The cool breeze stung her flushed skin and was eventually the driving force behind her decision to move but as she began to get up she froze, instantly recognising the gruff voice that came out of nowhere, mirroring her thoughts.
'You'll catch your death out here.'
She continued to stand, confusion overriding her initial instincts to yell or start crying.
Emotionally she was too drained and a tired sigh escaped her lips, 'What are you doing?'
House shifted against his cane, casting his gaze towards the sky. She should have been gone by now. Coming out here should've just been another lost moment to wallow about in his times of self pity… but there she was, standing in front of him more broken than he'd ever seen her.
And for once her had nothing to say.
No witty smartass wisecracks, no tactless digs, certainly no words of comfort...
His mind just went blank.
Cameron crossed her arms over her chest protectively. She couldn't read the look on his face and it was making her nervous. 'House…?'
He shook himself free from the momentary lapse and started hobbling towards her, motioning with his free hand.
'Don't do that.'
She swallowed hard but still didn't unclench, 'Why?"
He came to a stop in front of her, holding her gaze seriously. 'Because you don't need to be scared of me.'
Cameron opened her mouth to respond but the words lodged in her throat.
The statement was small, cryptic enough… but she saw it for what it was; an admission that he wasn't going to turn her away. Still, even with that in mind, he had let her walk out. If she hadn't broken down in his driveway, then they wouldn't even be having this conversation.
'You know you can't just…'
Her words turned into a mumble as he captured her lips and she found herself no longer caring about the schematics. He was here, opening up to her in the only way he knew how and that's what was important.
They broke a part and for a moment she held her breath, waiting for the smart quip or worse for him to take it all back… but it never came. The only thing out of his mouth was one simple word.
One simple word that made her heart skip a beat.
'Stay.'
She nodded slipping her hand into his and although he raised an eyebrow at the action, he didn't comment further on it, instead leading them back into the house.
They remained silent, weaving their way through the darkness, both mentally trying to come to terms with what had just happened. Cameron still had the lingering feeling a part of her should be mad, or at least scowling at the fact he'd been an ass but the larger part of herself couldn't do it.
She knew how hard it was for him and when they crawled into bed, House was surprised to see her eyes closing almost immediately. 'Seriously? You don't want to do the talking thing?'
A small smile graced her lips as she rolled to face him, 'I figured you'd be all talked out with what, those whole two sentences you gave me?'
'Cute.' He pulled the blankets up settling in beside her. 'No really, sarcasm is a great way to not get kicked out of my bed.'
She searched his eyes for a moment, wondering whether he wanted to talk. 'Do you want to discuss it?'
House shook his head, indicating an emphatic no and she once again smiled. 'You don't need to feel like there are rules to this…'
He let out a slightly bitter laugh, 'Aren't there supposed to be?'
She regarded him carefully, not missing the undertone in his voice. He'd been in a long term relationship with Stacy and no doubt there were certain restrictions but it had never occurred to her that he'd felt trapped.
'I told you, I'm not expecting you to change. If it starts moving to fast we'll slow it down.'
He caught her gaze, surprised by the answer. When it came to patients he considered her to be overly naive, too caring but on the odd occasion he wondered if maybe underneath she was just as emotionally damaged as he was.
'I'll remind you of that when you're swooning all over me at work.'
Cameron rolled her eyes as she turned on her side, signaling she'd given up and just like last time his arms fround their way around her waist.
The only the difference was that this time she didn't clench at the contact, instead letting the comforting sound of his breathing lull her into the gentle pull of sleep.