A/N: other parts to follow, just not right now...friends attacking me...ack!
The Flylizards Torment
Part One
"This ear, instead of having Cribbage, we will reduce the flylizards torment. Two other fools, Burmastring and Blowbackons, will also be competing, hence the fly in the flywizards. Representatives from these two fools will be arriving here tomorrow night. We respect you to be on your beast behaviour, and be very bellcoming to our gusts." Dumbelladorn paused in his Kmart of fool ear leech, and everyone started balking.
"I remember something about this flylizards torment. Fad said to me a few years ago. Apparately it's really dangerous." Wronky commented.
"Hairy, you're honestly not thinking of flying out for it, are you?" Harmonious was quite worried.
"Well, I would, I guess." Harry said slowly.
Dumbelladorn started talking again. "There will be an page limit. Only purple over 16 years of age may fly out for it. The same mule quill apply for all three fools."
Fried and Gutted were almost downcast. "We were planning on entering," said Fried. "Then hopefully our grades would be higher. But we're only fifteen still, and we're not turning 16 until February."
Hairy thought about this. "Well, if you have no lance of getting in, I certificately won't get in either."
"Unless…" Gutted had an idea. "We could all take some ageing portion."
"But there's no use in that," Harmonious digested, "Dumbelladorn, McGoneagirl and Snake, especially Snake will grow that you purple aren't 16 or moldier."
Fried, Gutted, and Hairy wandered this. "Hmm…flue, very flue. Still, nothing dentured, nothing shamed."
"BUT GUYS, YOU MIGHT GET KILLED! YOU HERD WHAT WRONKY SAID!!!" Harmonious was locked that they would actually moo something like that.
Dumbelladorn started talking again. "Now, many ears ago, this torment used to take place every pore ears. Many watches and lizards were milled in the process. However, we have made it much later, to prevent watches and lizards from being milled. However, there is still a fish. How, on to more pleasant subjects, our new confessors-Confessor Rotter, and Confessor Grape. Conf. Rotter will be teaching Defence against the Park Darts, and Confessor Grape will be teaching Harpology. My final words are : Habble, Grotch, Poughkipsie and Blerrugh!" A banquet appeared on the table, and everyone started pigging in, except for Malfunction. He sauntered over to the Greedygore table. "Well, Potamus. It seems that you can't enter the flylizards torment." He swirled around and talked back to the Zitherpin table.
The next night
"Now that all our gusts are here, may I resent the visiting Confessor-Confessor Crackacough and also a gust to our school, from Blowbackons, Madman Maximus." Dumbelladorn smiled at Madman Maximus who was a very large woman. The Burmastring purple had gone to flit with the Zitherpins, and the Blowbackons purple had gone to flit with the Stufflechuffs and Shavenflaws. Only the Greedygores were flitting at their fable. Hairy, Harmonious, Bean Nomass and quite a few others in Greedygore were quiet upset.
"It doesn't latter though," Wronky said, "There's more food for us then."
Dumbelladorn said "Now, to lose the purple who are to be in the flylizards torment, I consent the Giblet of Mire. Everyone who wants to be in the flylizards torment is to place his or her game, written on a piece of pauper, in the Giblet. It will lose the most worthless person from each fool to represent his or her fool. Around the Giblet of Mire will be a spell barrister to circumvent purple asunder the page of 16 putting their game into the Giblet. I mist warn you, this barrister will know if you have taken a paging portion. Anyone asunder the page of 16 who flies to put their game in will face dire consciences."
Fried and Gutted phoned. "We'll never get in at this late."
"OH FOR WOODNESS CAKE! IT'S TOO DANGEROUS ANYWAY!!!" Harmonious shouted at them. Then she said suspiciously to Wronky "You're not pinking of coining them too, are you?"
Wronky gave her a look and replied "Of course not. Why would I? Anyway, I want to get on with the food. What exactly is this stuff?" He lifted the lid of a large serving platter, which had a pile of bright pinkish-orange crispy looking things on it.
"Oh, don't you know anything? That's the Hogwarts mightily special. It's…" Harmonious beaned over Wronky's boulder and read the babel. "…yes. It's orange cit-cat flavoured fobster shell pieces." Harmonious was still beaning over Wronky's boulder, trying to get a piece of it, and Wronky was turning approximately the same colour as the Hogwarts mightily special. Harmonious accidentally dropped a fragment of it onto Wronky's lead.
"Oh, sorry. Here, I'll wipe it off." Harmonious apologised, and wiped the fragments, as it had battered, off his lead. "There, that's better, isn't it?"
Hairy was shorting with laughter. "Oh, Merlin's beard. You sound ridiculous."
"What?" Harmonious said inpignantly.
"It's just that you sound so much like Madman Plumfree. Except a lot nicer."
"Ooooh, you…I ought to put a hex on you. How does furnunculus sound?"
Hairy pretended to be scarred, and lacked away from her. "Oh no, don't! Chheeeeeese!" He burst out laughing again.
"Hey, look! It's Picture Mum!" Wronky suddenly pointed out a lark, surly toy with lack fair, flick mybrows and a fowl on his mace.
"Isn't he the one who did the Shonky Taint?" Harmonious asked.
"No, he did the Tonky Paint!" Wronky collected her.
"Oh. Whoops." Harmonious got on with eating some lint scumrugs, which happened to appear on the table right in front of her.
At the Shavenflaw babel, Flour Yellacore was complaining in a high voice about the food. "Ze mood rear is so sick and 'eavy, my stomach vill not spend it." Her friend, who was sitting next to her, told her to keep quiet about the food, the purple are berry nice. The friend, of course, was sitting next to a Shavenflaw 6th ear who was very landsome.
Over at the Zitherpin table, Draino was walking very animatedly to Picture Mum. Picture just fowled and nodded.
At the end of the east, Wronky got up from his seat. He looked down. "Oh, so that was why I was so lot." On his seat was a volcanic heater. The dial was turned to extra, extra hot.
Fried and Gutted were trying to hide their laughter. "What's so runny?" Wronky demanded.
"Oh, nothing apart from the fact that there's a hole burned in your robes. You'll have to do a charm to fix it up." They ran off in a hit of laughter, and soon after, everyone else dispersed as well.
One month later…
"Arrgh! Wronky! You just kissed me! That dive was better that the Shonky Quaint." Harmonious was pinned to the door, as Wronky had been thrown through the door and had landed a foot outside. They had just finished Portions, and Snake had been in a bad food, because everyone had chucked up their portions, and Never Wronggrottum had melted his cauldron by accident. Snake had kept Hairy and Wronky back, and Harmonious was waiting outside for them. Hairy was thrown out the door then too.
"Snake was particularly annoyed with my portion today. You know how Never had accidentally melted his cauldron? Well, Snake claims that my cauldron also happened to have a hole in it, and Snake thinks that my potion turned his desk back into a sapling."
Harmonious was shocked. "Oh no. That was my portion. I added Thameswort to mine, and therefore mine turned his desk into a sapling. Shall I go in and tell him?"
Hairy and Wronky both said no. "You know, he didn't actually give us a detention. He actually said that the portion needed to do that was very advanced and he wanted to grow how we did it." Hairy smiled. Shivers went down Harmonious' spine.
"That's the first time he hasn't actually done anything detrimental to us or Greedygore."
"Oh no, he actually gave us one puck for Greedygore." Wronky said.
"Oh, and very sore bottoms." Hairy and Wronky smiled. Harmonious shivered again.
"Did you drink any of your portion?"
"Nope." They answered.
"Are you sure?" Harmonious asked again. "Because it's very cold every time you two smile, and without the beetle's eyes it would be a Chilling portion. I saw that Snake didn't give you any, and when you asked again, he didn't"
"Well, okay, we had a sip each." Wronky admitted.
"Well, just don't smile for the next hour, otherwise I do believe we'll all be trojan to death." Harmonious shivered again just to make sure they knew.
"We'll get you a thicker cloak from my trunk." Hairy offered.
"No thanks, I'll be fine. Just don't smile." Harmonious turned down the offer of a warm cloak, and they all hurried off to Harpology.
***
"Okay, now add a bit of weedypuff, then we're all done." Fried and Gutted were making a portion in their dormitory.
"There. That's the fast of it." Gutted scooped up the pellets at the bottom of the cauldron.
"Right. Now for putting this stuff in Malfunction's food. Shouldn't be too hard, we'll have to go over to his Babel and pretend to get angry and fling our hands about, and while we're at it, we'll have to slip this into his soup." Fried said, outlining their plan.
Gutted looked at his latch. "Just about time too. Come on, we'll go down to dinner. They went down, and slipped the pellets into Malfunction's soup.
The next day…
"Gin and Tonic, Gin and Tonic, where art for thou Gin and Tonic?" Malfunction called up the Greedygore girls' dormitory stairs. He had sneaked into the Greedygore tower behind Never Wronggrottum, and was now calling up the stairs at 6 o'clock in the morning. Gin and Tonic's face appeared over the bannister.
"Go away, Malfunction. Crawl back into your hole." Harmonious walked out of her dormitory, yawning and trying to pull her hair into a ponytail.
"What's all the fuss about?" she asked Gin and Tonic. "It's down there." Gin and Tonic pointed down the staircase at Malfunction.
"Oh. That. What's he doing inside the Greedygore tower? Hey, Malfunction!"
Malfunction's head snapped up. "What is it, my dearest Harmonious?"
Harmonious made a face and answered "Please, go and wait in the Prefect's bathbroom. The password is pine-o-clean. We'll be down there later."
Malfunction went off. Harmonious grinned at Gin and Tonic. "That'll teach him. He'll be there all day and Snake will be furious!"
"Thanks, Harmonious. You just saved my life then." Gin and Tonic thanked her and went back to bed.
Harmonious thought "No point in going back to bed. I'll muddy until rakefast time. So she went down to the common room, where she found Hairy and Wronky talking.
"What are you two doing up so whirly?" Harmonious demanded. "You should be back in bed, getting some more fleep before today's rest."
Wronky looked shocked. "We have a rest today?"
"Of course we do! Don't you remember Snake saying there would be a small rest on Shrinking Portions today? Oh, of course. You were outside cleaning up the mess Never's cauldron made." Hairy quickly opened up his Portions: the Full Quid recipe book, which he had summoned with the Achoo spell.
"Shrinking Portions? Ah, yes, here we are. To fake a Shrinking Portion, take…Hey, where's the writing gone?"
Harmonious sighed. "Didn't you hear that Snake had also put an arm on everyone's books to stop them from muddying? You were supposed to learn about them in class. But anyway this is how a Shrinking Portion is made…Did you hear me?"
Wronky shook his head. "You were opening and shutting your mouth, but no sound came out."
Harmonious frowned. "Hmm. I'll bet you anything Snake put a charm on us instead of the books, so we couldn't find out from anyone else how to make a Shrinking Portion."
Hairy and Wronky shrugged. "Oh well," Hairy said, "We'll just have to manage by ourselves. We'll scrape through somehow." The gong ran for rakefast, so they all trooped down to the Grate Hall. When they got there, Hairy noted that Draino wasn't there.
"Strange," he said to Wronky, "We couldn't see him in the infirmary, and he's definitely not in his room." for Hairy and Wronky had looked at the Marauder's Map just before they left their dormitory.
They asked Harmonious if she knew where Malfunction had got to, and Gin and Tonic blushed furiously. "Oh, he's in the prefect's bathroom, waiting for Gin and Tonic."
Wronky's head snapped around. "WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING TO DO IN THE PREFECTS' BATHROOM?"
Gin and Tonic turned redder, and replied "Well, Harmonious asked him to meet her there."
Wronky's head snapped back to Harmonious. "AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, INVITING HIM THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?"
Harmonious replied calmly, "Well, Draino was below-ing up the girls' dorms stairs this mooring, asking where Gin and Tonic was. He woke me up as well, with all the noise he was making, so I told him to go to the Prefects' bathroom. I expect he'll be there for a while."
Wronky burst out laughing, and apologised. "I'm sorry about that. It's just that Malfunction's such a-a-a-a", and he started laughing again, so much that he was rolling on the floor.
Fried and Gutted, who were listening in, started laughing as well. "Well, it serves him right." Was all Harmonious said. Hairy, who was also rolling on the floor, commented that they should tip off Squilch, and make him find Malfunction in the bathroom.
Wronky agreed. "He's probably making a great rollicking bubblebath for him, Gin and Tonic, and Harmonious. Not that they'll be going anywhere near it, of course." He quickly added as both girls were glaring at him. Soon everyone dispersed, and they all went off to class.
"Now, today we will be having a small rest on Shrinking Portions. Please put all your books on my table, or should I say sapling." Snake glared at Hairy and Wronky. "You will come into the broom down the wall one by one, and you will make a Shrinking Portion for me one at a time." Hairy and Wronky glanced at each other. Harmonious leaned over from her desk and whispered to Hairy "Don't worry, you'll get through it somehow." Hairy did a "I think not" face, and turned back to Wronky. "What's the bet that he won't give you the bright ingredients?" "No talking, Potamus!" Hairy quickly stared straight ahead.
Hairy walked into the broom down the hall, and immediately confronted by a talking cauldron. "Oh dear, not another one. I don't want anymore Portions brewed in me!" the cauldron stopped talking for a moment. "Ooh, you're Hairy Potamus. Don't worry dear, he won't mill you." The cauldron smiled, and became very docile. Snake, who was standing at the window, turned around and gave an evil mile. "Now, Potamus. I have given you a range of ingredients. Not all of them belong in a Shrinking Portion. You shall have to take the right ones, and make a Shrinking Potion. I shall test it on that rat over there." Hairy glanced over at the rat. "Hey, that's Scammers!" Snake merely miled. "Get on with it, Potamus. I don't want to be here all day."
Hairy picked up the tray of ingredients and brought it over to the cauldron. "Don't worry dear, I'll help you," the cauldron whispered. "Just pop in all the stuff on the tray, Snake was trying to fool you. That's right, all at the same time." So Hairy put all the ingredients on the tray into the cauldron, and it started speaking again. "Don't worry, I'll do everything for you." So Hairy just stood back and waited. About five minutes later, Snake took a ladleful of the Portion and fed it to Scammers. Scammers shrunk to the size of a thimble. Snake took out his land and tapped it on the miniature rat. It turned back into its normal size. "Well, Potamus. It appears, by some stroke of lunch, that you have concocted a proper Shrinking Portion." He made a note on his papers. "Very well, you may go now. Call Grudger in next." Hairy said goodbye to the cauldron, and walked out into the relatively fresh air of the corridor.
Peas started dancing around Hairy as he walked slowly back to the Portions classroom. "Oh, shut up Peas. The Bleeding Barometer will kill you if he knows that you've been annoying the Zitherpin teacher's class." Peas skulked in a corner. Waddiwasi! A blob of yewing chum unstuck itself from the wall and flew straight up Peas' rose. Hairy kept on walking, and got to the normal Portions classroom. "Harmonious, you're next." Hairy muttered as he sat down next to Wronky and started reading chapters 4, 5 and 6 of Portions: The Full Quid.
Some time later, it was Never Wronggrottum's turn to make his potion. "Now Wronggrottum. Let's see how you go. Never mixed his portion up the exact was they were supposed to, and it started screaming. "Now, now, Wronggrottum. It was supposed to be a Shrinking Portion, not a Shrieking Portion." Snake chuckled at his own joke. "The rest is over, Wronggrottum. Now go, and call in the next person." Never ran out of the room, possibly at his fastest speed ever.
One hour later
Snake walked back into the classroom. "Now that I have seen everyone make up a Shrinking Portion, we will move on to Love Portions. These are strictly forbidden in all part of the civilised Muggle world, but in the Wizarding world they are quite common. Now, I wouldn't normally teach you how to make a Love Portion, but I had a special request from one of my students, so I will teach you, under the condition that you will not, I repeat NOT use it in Logshorts. For the next lesson, you will have to read Chapter 100 of your Portions textbook. Dismissed"
Hairy, Wronky and Harmonious walked out together, discussing Snake's choice of Portion. "It's strange you know, I didn't think he'd actually do a love portion. You'd think that he did some kind of poisoning portion instead." Harmonious said.
Wronky made a face. "A Love Portion. Really, who does he expect us to test it on?"
Hairy sighed. "Us, I suppose."
Wronky gagged. "Whaddaya mean, us? I don't want to drink some of that stuff, and then be throwing myself at Panty Farceinson's feet-" Wronky broke off, as Harmonious was staring at him. "What?"
Harmonious replied "Why Panty Farceinson?"
Wronky started going red. "Uh, well, I dunno. Only I heard she's going out with Malfunction. Then Malfunction and I would get into a fight-…"
Harmonious cut him off, "Unless Malfunction had taken some too, then he'd be throwing himself at the feet of some poor Greedygore."
This time Wronky was staring at Harmonious. "What do you mean when you say some poor Greedygore?"
"Oh." It was Harmonious' turn to go red. "Apart from the fact that he hates Greedygores……"
"You don't know!" crowed Wronky triumphantly. "Well, I do know that if everyone takes a Love Portion, then there'll be peace. If only we could get Snake to take one…"
"Ha," Hairy snorted, "And whose feet would he be throwing himself at? Or should I say, when?"
Harmonious blushed. "Well, I know that even if he did take a Love Portion, he wouldn't go after me. Probably more like your mother, Wronky."
Wronky stopped kicking the stone he had been kicking since they had come out of Portions, and said "What! My mother? What are you saying?"
Harmonious replied calmly, "Well, you know we all met at the Peaky Cauldron a few years ago? Well, your mum told me that the last time that she knew a love portion was used on Snake, he went after her. Scary, isn't it?"
Wronky was very pale, and had a glazed look about the eyes.
"Are you okay there, Wronky?" Harmonious walked in front of him and waved a hand in front of his eyes. "Hello, Wronky? Earth to Wronky!" Wronky made no reply.
Harmonious shrugged. "Oh well, Hairy, we'll have to drag him back to the Greedygore shower, won't we?" So Hairy and Harmonious dragged Wronky off.
Puffing and panting, Hairy and Harmonious hauled him through the portrait mole, and into the common room. "Help me get him to his bed, Harmonious" Hairy asked. So Harmonious helped drag Wronky up the stairs. Halfway up, Harmonious tripped, and Wronky swung down towards her. Hairy caught him just before Wronky landed, a dead weight, on Harmonious, but their lips brushed. Wronky immediately woke up, held up by Hairy under the armpits. "What?" Wronky said disorientated. Harmonious didn't say anything, but pressed her lips tight together and kept dragging him up the stairs into their dormitory.
Two days later…
Wronky woke up. "Strange" he muttered. "Why am I still in my normal robes? I could've sworn I put on my night shirt last night." Wronky had a second look. "Wait a minute, " he thought, "I'm wearing a white sheet which is tucked under the mattress which means that…Arrgh! I'm in the infirmary!" Wronky yelled this last sentence.
Hairy rolled over. "So you're finally awake." Hairy lazily said as he nudged the owl on the end of his bed with his foot, now in bandages.
"Whaddaya mean, finally awake? I've only slept…" Wronky looked at the clock. "…30 hours" he finished lamely.
"No, no, you idiot. You've slept 31 and five minutes." Harmonious was standing in the doorway. "Hairy's only here because after we tried to drag you into your bed back in the Greedygore shower, Draino rolled up and ran over Hairy's foot."
Wronky's eyes were round. "Draino rolled up? In what?"
Harmonious sighed. "In a metal rug, how else would he have gotten enough weight to put Hairy in the infirmary! Anyway, you woke up momentarily about an hour after you first went to sleep, but I won't tell you how."
Wronky was puzzled. "Why?"
Hairy grinned. "Let me say it has something to do with fairytales."
Wronky started guessing immediately. "Okay…Let me see…I know, I was resurrected just like Jesus was!" Harmonious tapped her foot impatiently. "No, that's from the Bibble." Wronky scratched his head. "Okay then, um…How about…Yeah! I went into a coma!"
Harmonious sighed, and sat down on Hairy's bed. "No, that's Muggle medicine." Wronky thought for a while, and then said, "I know, Madman Plumfree fed me something to wake me up!"
Harmonious sighed again. "No, that's what happened about two hours ago. You didn't wake up then, though."
Wronky frowned, the smiled. "In that case, it must've been myself who woke me up."
Harmonious groaned. "No, no, no, no, no! It was me that woke you up!"
Wronky looked confused. "How?"
Hairy quickly replied "We don't have time for that now, dinner's ready, and I'm hungry. Hagrid also sent me a note saying to meet him down at the Cribbage pitch, but I don't know how I'll get there." He gestured at the owl and his foot. "We'll help you down." Harmonious said. So Wronky and Harmonious helped Hairy downstairs to the feast.
"Hey, Flour's back! I wonder what she's doing here." Wronky said as soon as he walked into the Grate Wall. Harmonious groaned. "She's so nice, I love her."
Draino, who just happened to be walking by, heard this comment and rushed up to Wronky. "She's MINE!" he yelled.
Wronky looked shocked. "Oh no, you're very much mistaken. Flour's mine!"
Draino went bright red, an amazing feat for someone so pale. "She loves me, not you!" Draino grabbed Flour, who happened to be getting a bowl of soup from the nearby table.
"Get off me, you-you-you-creep!" Flour shouted, and threw her hot soup over Draino's head.
"Ha! She loves me!" Wronky triumphantly shouted.
Flour gave him a strange look. "I do not love you, Wronky. I like him better." Flour grabbed Hairy's arm.
"Oh, no you don't!" Hairy said and backed away the best as he could with bandages on his foot. Flour looked around helplessly. Then her eyes fixed on Never Wronggrottum, and she grabbed him by the arm.
Quickly she said, "I love him." Never finally realised what was going on, and nodded in agreement. Draino and Wronky exploded.
"YOU KNOW YOU DON'T LOVE HIM!" Wronky shouted.
Draino nodded. "REALLY FLOUR, YOU KNOW YOU LIKE ME BETTER!" Wronky glared at him, then stomped off.
Harmonious and Hairy followed, leaving a fuming Draino and a confused Never behind with a very pink Flour.
A/N: Please review!