ϟ
remedy
live it up, live it up
She's been sitting in the dark crying uncontrollably for over an hour, biting her hand in a desperate attempt to silence herself.
She finished work ages ago but found herself sitting in the staff room, in the dark, a bottle of vodka on the table. She knows she should remove the vodka from sight, if somebody was to walk in and find her and the vodka, she'd be sacked before she could even apologise.
Rita wonders why she's drawn to vodka, there isn't anything appealing to it is there? It's strong and bitter and burns the back of your throat when you neck it straight from the bottle. She wonders why she can't drink a nice bottle of rosé, its sweeter and cheaper (but doesn't numb her the way vodka does, her best friend)
She wishes she could stop the self-destruction because she's in her mid-thirties and self-destruction was designed for those in their twenties. She wishes the guilt would stop eating away at her heart over her husband and that child. She hates guilt, some say she was a victim too but whether that was true or not, she should never have stood up in court and blamed that child for everything.
Someone walks into the staff room and switches on the light. Rita's frozen on the spot, desperately trying to stop crying and at the same time try and hide the vodka bottle. She fails miserably and the vodka bottle falls from her grip, falls to the floor remains in tact and begins to roll away.
"Rita?" She breaths a sigh of relief that its Ash and not somebody else. There's something about Ash that she likes despite the fact he's always on her back about something. She's grateful for Ash though because he was the only one who stuck by her when the truth came out about her husband.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine," she replies without missing a beat. She wipes away the tears that are streaming down her cheeks hoping he won't notice the bottle of vodka on the floor or the redness of her eyes. He closes the door behind him and walks towards her.
He sees the redness of her eyes before he sees the vodka bottle on the floor. He picks it up and she swallows, "it isn't what it looks like."
"Isn't it?"
"No."
There's nothing but a silence and Ash sits down beside her. He places the vodka bottle on the table and wonders how long she's been drinking, she hides it so well and it was simply by chance that he stumbled upon it today, right now.
"How long have you been drinking?"
Rita sighs and for a moment contemplates lying. She knows it's pointless, she may as well be honest and explain that if it wasn't for the vodka she'd never have got through the last couple of weeks. Ever since her husband arrived it had all gone downhill and she'd slowly given up.
"A while," she leaves it at that, for now.
"And at work?"
She swallows, she knows if she answers he won't believe her, "just this once."
Ash doesn't believe her even though he wants too. He doesn't believe she's never drank at work before, she's probably sat in the staff room many times after work, in the dark necking cheap vodka and hoping it'll numb her pain and stop her thoughts.
He wishes he'd seen it sooner, how fragile she really was.
"Can I take you home?"
The thought horrifies her of Ash taking her home, he'll see the empty bottles of vodka and wine littered over the table and realise just how much she leans on alcohol. Then again she hasn't got anything to lose has she, he already knows she drinks cheap vodka in the dark after work.
Rita doesn't verbally reply just nods and accepts his offer of taking her home. The journey home is too quiet for her liking, no conversation and the silence filled by the soft sound of the radio playing something classical.
Ash pulls up outside Rita's house and turns off the engine. She asks if he wants a coffee secretly hoping he'd make his excuses and decline. He doesn't, he accepts and she has no choice but to invite him inside.
Once inside she wonders about hiding the empty bottles behind the settee but figures there's only so many times in a day she can hide them. Following Rita into the living room his eyes glanced over the three empty bottles of wine from the previous night.
He doesn't know what to say and she finds it awkward too. Picking up the bottles she placed them on the side in the kitchen next to two other empty bottles of vodka. Part of her hopes he won't say anything but the other half hopes he does, if he brings up the subject she won't have to keep lying to herself and those around her.
She switches on the kettle.
"You're not okay are you Rita?"
"What do you mean?"
He sighs wondering how he missed this for so long. He knew she was a good liar but he didn't expect her to be this good, "exactly what I asked. You're not okay are you? Ever since we found out about your husband there's something different about you Rita."
Her eyes glance over the empty bottles suddenly feeling a craving for alcohol, she knows Ash won't allow her to drink despite her been a grown woman in her own house. She sticks to making the coffee instead.
"I used to be quite normal you know?"
He doesn't answer until she hands him a coffee, "what changed?"
"My husband," she sits on the settee legs crossed underneath her, cup of coffee in one hand. She leaves the silence to grow as she gathers her thoughts. It was weird to think three years ago she had it all and all she had now was a husband who refused to divorce her and an alcohol addiction.
"I think you should talk to someone."
She laughed, "I've done all that, seen counsellors to try and move on. They don't work Ash, they don't stop me from feeling guilty for standing up in court that day, staring a thirteen year old child in the eye and accusing her of lying."
"You did what anyone would've done in that situation."
"That's where you're wrong," she pointed out and took a sip of coffee, "anyone else would've looked that child in the eye, seen the fear behind her eyes and realised she was telling the truth. I chose to ignore my instinct because I loved my husband, I believed his lies."
"You can't blame yourself Rita for believing your husband, he lied to you too don't forget."
"I shouldn't have believed him, I should've just seen what everyone else saw."
"He was your husband."
"He was a sex offender!" Their eyes met for a brief second before she stared in the bottom of her mug. She wished she'd never met her "perfect" husband and got caught up in his lies, she wished she could go back to the person she was, the free spirit. Not the one who drank herself to sleep to stop the guilt eating away inside.
Ash placed his now empty mug on the table and stood up, "I better to leaving."
He turned around about to leave when Rita said, "please stay."
He heard what Rita asked and turned around, his eyes falling upon her. Her cheeks turned scarlet red when she realised how stupid and vulnerable she sounded but she didn't want to spend another night alone.
"You want me to stay?" he asked and she nodded, "please, I don't think I want to be on my own."
He sat back down on the edge of the settee and with a small smile answered; "okay I'll stay the night."
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