Absolute.
That may be viewed without relation to other things.
That which exists without being dependent on anything else.
01
The precinct was filled with uniforms, brass, forensics, and other supporting members of the department. She could hardly see across the crowd of officers. While the room was busy, there seemed to be a eerie silence that followed Olivia as she made her way through the room. An IAB representative had tapped her on the shoulder and she nearly bit their head off. She would give her statement later. She had one thing on her mind right now and that one thing was nowhere to be found.
Her partner.
Olivia pushed her way through the crowd, careful to avoid the area of the room that remained taped off. The area where Jenna's body lay covered by a white sheet, where IAB swarmed, demanding and unforgiving, asking same question as Olivia.
"Where the hell is Stabler?"
The bunk room and locker areas were clear and there was no sign of her partner in the building. Finally, she pulled out her phone and sent him a quick text.
IAB is searching. Let me find you first.
It only took a few moments before his reply buzzed through.
Roof.
Olivia made one last sweep of the room to ensure no curious eyes were watching, and then she shuffled her way out of the main entry way and turned the corner. Away from the hustle and bustle, she felt her shoulders relax as she entered the stair well quietly. She knows her partner well enough to know that he's not okay right now. She she wanted to calm him down before he had a chance to speak with the powers at be.
At the roof, the nip of the wind hit her like a brick and she had to push herself against the door to close it again. Once outside she wrapped her jacket around her tightly before walking a few steps forward. She spotted her partner towards the back of building, leaning casually against the siding, his focus upwards at the cloudy night.
She matched his stance and followed his gaze up above.
"Hey."
They stood, backs against the wind, for what seemed like a lifetime. For once there was no need for words. Together, they just existed. This very moment would stand out to Olivia for the rest of her life because she knew it would be the last time they would stand side by side as partners. He hasn't told her yet, but Olivia knew. Olivia knew this would be her last night working with Elliot. After the shooting, Elliot's eyes had met hers for only a moment from across the room, and she knew it then. He was done.
And the realization hurt like hell.
"I don't want to do this without you."
Words finally escaped her, but her voice sounded foreign. She hardly recognized it as her own because she never sounds so defeated and so weakened by her reality. Down below them, the streets were illuminated by blue and red lights of the first responders. Olivia Benson was surrounded by chaos but on this roof, next to her partner, she had never felt so at ease.
Because while it went against everything within her, she knew it was Elliot's time. And the rational part of her was okay with that. The other side of her was selfish and wanted to keep him here because she didn't want to do this job without him.
A low, sick sound rose from Elliot's throat. "They'll eat me alive for this. They will take you down with me."
He didn't understand though. She would go wherever he went. She would go down with him.
"You saved lives tonight, Elliot. Not just mine."
Even saying it, she knew it wouldn't be enough. Not for Elliot, not for IAB where they spent their weekends off looking for a pen to drop the wrong way. Not for his wife who was at the end of her rope with Elliot's career, or his kids who wanted to sleep at night knowing their dad was tucked away safely in bed. Not for himself.
She didn't mean enough to him, not enough to push aside every other reason he needs to be freed from his personal hell.
"I'm tired," he finally snapped.
His knuckles were white as he gripped the railing. He extended his arms, letting his body stretch the ache in his back before leaning forward once again.
"What about me?" Olivia's question rang out, followed by an eerie silence.
She was selfish and she cared too much. She was too close to Elliot, her partner, who was very much married and the most unavailable man in her life. But she didn't have anybody else.
He was her absolute.
What she was to him, she didn't know. They never talked about it. A relationship had formed that nobody had a definition for. He stayed in a marriage with a woman he loved but wasn't in love with and every person Olivia connected with wasn't enough. They went to work each day and they were there for each other.
At the end of the day, they went back to being separate beings with completely different lives. Lives that had no business intersecting outside of the work place.
And what little bit of him she had, she was too selfish to let go.
"I'm leaving the job, Liv."
She knows what he was implying, but Olivia wasn't listening.
Not you.
"I am the job, El. I live for this job. You're leaving me, too." The words flowed out of her so quickly, her tone so thick and depressed. She was a stranger in her body right now.
Her heart was going to beat right out of her chest. He was breaking every part left in her, all because she was too fucking close and she had no right to be.
They were twelve years too close and there was no way to make this easier.
"Olivia."
Her full name rolled off of his tongue so naturally, so fitting. Another gust of wind pushed her forward and she was brushing her bangs back before tucking them behind her ears. She licked her lips and squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to be strong in this moment.
"Please don't talk me out of this," he pleaded.
She placed a cold hand over his, and his death tight grip on the bar loosened. She gave his hand a small, reassuring squeeze before pushing off of the railing.
"I won't."
She turned away from him and moved in the direction of the door. Because if she stayed any longer, she would push too hard and they would argue until she made him regret ever considering the possibility of leaving her.
But a strong hand on her elbow stopped her suddenly, and then he was turning her towards him and his other hand was cupping the back of her head. He was pulling her into his body so quickly, so roughly, and she didn't have a chance to think that maybe this wasn't a good idea.
His lips closed over hers and silenced her attempted plea. Her hands landed on his chest and the hand on her elbow had moved to the small of her back. He was pulling her ever closer and she was returning his spontaneous kiss with an eagerness that made her question her sanity.
Because something so wrong had never felt so right.
And it was twelve years of wondering, twelve years of not crossing that line, and every single rule and moral ground being broken in the space of just a few moments. Every barrier placed between them came crashing down.
She gripped the lapels of his jacket as she parted her lips. For every second he gave, she gave two and soon their bodies were ignited by the spark that Elliot had forced on her. She was sure he could hear her heart beating out of her chest and she pulled away from him, letting out a deep breath.
All she could see was the outline of his shadow in the night, but she could feel the tension leaving his body.
"Liv..."
Her name fell off his lips as her right hand settled on his cheek. She wanted him to know that this was okay. That they would be okay. Even when she knew that she wouldn't be.
And when the tip of his tongue darted across her lower lip before being captured between his, she let out a quiet noise that she hardly recognized as her own voice. She returned his demands with a hard, pressing moan and she didn't care if she ever breathed again.
She couldn't get enough of this side of Elliot Stabler. This was something she wouldn't allow herself to so much as dream of. Never in any of her years had she been kissed like this. Never had one stolen, impulsive moment caused so much turmoil.
How something could feel so right, but hurt so much, Olivia didn't know.
Because almost as soon as he had been there, he had gone. And she was left on the roof top of the 16th precinct with swollen lips and a memory of what could have been.