Goodbye.
"Goodbye Doctor and thank you."
Charles gently closed the door behind his departing guest. He sighed heavily taking a moment to rest before he went upstairs to see his wife.
He slowly climbed the stairs, shunning the stair lift, knowing he needed to keep that leg still exercised. Even after all these years he scoffed to himself. The stairs in their home at Royal Crescent certainly have that, a chance to exercise it. That and the numerous trips up and down he made every day, fetching and carrying, willingly for his wife.
They had inherited the house almost forty years ago, when his parents moved to something smaller. They had brought all their children up there. It was a perfect family home, and one day in the not too distant future they would be passing it on to their children to bring up the next generation.
As he reached her bedroom door Charles steeled himself. Putting on his much practiced mask of happiness and calmness. Hiding the breaking of his heart that he felt every day. The pain constantly there, very much part of his world. He wished it would go away. Raged against the unfairness of it all, but he knew for her, for their children he had to be brave. The military stiff upper lip that he had used so many times in his professional career now coming in useful in his personal life.
"Hey you. You ok?" she asked, as he entered. "The Doctor gone?"
"Yeah." Charles replied, looking at his wife, tiny, frail lying on her side in their bed.
"You ok? Can I get you anything?" He asked before he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. Their hands automatically seeking one another's out, fingers entwined.
She instantly rolled over towards him.
"I'd quite like a cuddle from my husband if that's ok?" She giggled.
Even after all these years he still made her feel giddy inside. He was still just as handsome, he was still her world.
Kicking off his slippers and getting in beside her, he kissed her ear. He never had and never would need to be asked twice. Cuddling had always been one of their favourite ways to display affection.
"I think, my love, I can manage that." Shifting down beneath the duvet.
As he held her, he marvelled in her. She smelt of Molly, the woman he had loved for over fifty years. The mother of his three children and step mother to Sam. The glue that had held them all together, the one who always talked sense even on days like this.
"I love you Molly James." He whispered into her hair, a sad tone escaping from his lips as he said it. He cursed himself for showing weakness. He need to be brave, she was.
She turned her face up towards him.
"Hey none of that. It's the right thing to do you know." She said softly. She couldn't scold him for being upset. Her heart was breaking too.
"God I know that Molly. Just talking about it was hard. That's all."
They lay side by side, her supported on numerous pillows to help her breathing. He watched her beautiful green eyes, they that still had a cheeky sparkle in them even at her grand old age of 75. Her beautiful previously auburn hair, resting on the pillow, was still long, shoulder length really, but now almost entirely white. There was never any talk about her dying it. That wasn't his Molly, his Molly didn't need to make herself up to make her beautiful. She was naturally so. Her face had the lines of life and time etched into them. Each line held a memory of her life, good ones and bad ones. To him she had always looked beautiful, and now in their bed, a bed they had shared for many years, he still thought she was.
"I guess we'll have to tell the kids?" She raised her eyebrow to her own question. She seemed peaceful and calm, and not troubled by her illness as she lay there. The calm before the storm; as experience had taught them. He knew she was right, but was worried that talking about her decision and the children might be too emotive for her. It might cause her to relapse. He watched her closely. The good days were few and far between now and they both wanted to hold on to as many as they could get.
"I guess we could have them all over soon. When you're a bit stronger." He only wanted it to be them for a while. He wanted to shut the world out, and the realism that it brought.
Molly nodded. She understood. Lying there with him at this moment, at this time all she needed was him. It was going to be hard whenever they told the children, though she knew that they all secretly had faced her health issues realistically. There would be tears, but at least Molly felt that in knowing they would have a direction.
Today though, being sensible about this or not, it had been a hard day for her and Charles. Harder than they both guessed it would be. Today they had, in agreement with their family G.P, documented what Molly's wishes were. That is she did not want to be resuscitated. That when the time came she wanted Mother Nature to take its course. No heroics. No one jumping up and down on her chest. She wanted hopefully to peacefully slip away.
They both knew it was the right decision. Molly was never going to get better. Every hospital admission, and recently there had been numerous, just delayed the inevitable outcome, but still it was a hard conversation to have. Now they had the all-important yellow envelope, left behind by the G.P, documenting her wishes for all to see, medical and non-medical. Telling the world of her decision, of her choice and that her sands of time were officially running out.
There was something very final talking about what your end of life wishes were, in front of love ones and professionals. No matter how sympathetic or realistic the conversation could be, Molly knew she was making a choice to say enough is enough. And she needed to tell her family that this is what she wanted.
Charles understood and supported her as he had for the past half century or so. Knowing that as she had lived her life, always with information, choice and determination, not to mention bravery. That is how she was choosing to face her death too. They both knew her heart and lungs had been failing for a while. The lethargy, shortness of breath, and failing to respond to active treatment. Yet it still came as a huge shock to them both when the term palliation was mentioned at her last hospital visit, rather than treatment. Conversations became longer, more practice, quieter. Warning shots were being fired that Molly was no longer responding to treatment. T.L.C, tender loving care was now being talked about. Symptom management only. Molly knew then that decisions would need to be made, and she very much wanted to be the one who made them.
Charles supported her each and every step. Each admission and their time apart broke him a little more though. When they had the talk with the palliative care team, he was, for Molly's sake stoical. Secretly he cried, and had cried every day since. Her death was not immediate, but it was in their near future, and nothing could change that.
One day he would wake up and his Dawsey would no longer be in the same world as him.
In their life together there had been numerous periods of separation. Their jobs in the Army saw to that, but they had always been temporary. They always came back to each other. Only once had Charles experienced, what he thought at the time, a life without Molly in it. That was when it all had gone to shit after Elvis had died, and he slept with Georgie. He threw his marriage away, hurt his beautiful Molly and jeopardised all that they had.
Kids thankfully hadn't come along at this stage, they had only been married for several years, but his stupidity nearly ruined everything. The guilt he had and the craziness he felt over Elvis' death was nothing to what he felt on the day he woke up in Georgie's arms. He knew his mistake instantly and admitted it to all who would listen. To begin with Molly wouldn't, but over time and their shared love for Sam she slowly did. The way he moved forward with his therapy and constant devotion to Molly eventually saw them as friends again. Fearing he had lost her totally Charles initially accepted friendship with his estranged wife. Something he hadn't achieved with Rebecca. Anything, he thought with Molly was better than nothing. However he soon found that friendships was not enough, so he pushed. He pushed his way back into her heart. That unique, big, heart that eventually forgave him and allowed them to love each other as before. Now as Molly's life with him was running out, he lamented those lost two years. He would give anything to have two more years with his one true love.
"I think I can cope with them all over next weekend, if you like." She replied to his almost forgotten comment. "We need to let them know before they find out from someone else."
"Ok. I'll call them later, and see who's free." He brushed the fine hair from her brow. "You know I love you very much."
"Ditto." Was all she replied. That was all she needed to say.
"Thank you." He hesitated, he didn't want to cry in front of her. "You were, are, my happy ever after Dawsey."
"You were mine, are mine too Bossman." Both chose to use the private nicknames that were employed at the most tender of times in their lives. Tears spilled down her eyes. "You make me so happy, have given me so much."
"Who would have thought, all those years ago that we'd be here now. Old grey, not quite so sprightly, but still in love."
"I did." She answered truthfully. "You're still my handsome Major James. Even though your nearly 85." She laughed. "You've still a cracking arse on you too." And she grabbed it just to confirm her love for it, for him.
He laughed, not quite as loudly as he used to when they first met, but still with as much enthusiasm. His Molly would always make him laugh. Hopefully to her dying day.
"Let's not be sad. We've had a bleeding wonderful life haven't we? Could have been so different."
"Yes. Thank you for forgiving me. I'll never be sorry enough for what I did to us." He sighed.
"Stop Charles. Water well and truly under the bridge. We agreed years ago never to talk of that again. We built a new better life than what we had. Stronger." Then she dipped her head to look directly into his eye. "Even the sex was better the second time round." Then she smiled her wonderful smile.
"You cheeky mare." He grabbed her in his arm. "I never heard you complain ever. First time or not."
"No I haven't ever complained or ever will. You gave me three wonderful children and Sam. Each and every one of our children I love, not just because of who they are, but because they are a piece of you and me and our love."
"I'm a lucky man I know that Molly. Three sons and a daughter. All images of you…God help them. Grandkids too."
"It going to be bloody busy then next week isn't it if they all come." He continued. "Besides I have four daughter-in laws and a daughter to help. I'll not have to lift a finger."
"Oi." She teased. "The boys can help the girls just as much too you know."
Silence fell amongst them. Both planning in some small way arrangements for their children's visit and the conversations to be had.
"It never bothered you did it? Jane I mean?" She asked.
"What…you mean… who she is… no… ….it never did. After fathering three boys off the trot I was so happy when you gave birth to Jane. I loved her from the first moment I saw her, and will forever, regardless of who she loves or married. Debbie is a lovely girl. They are in love and they are happy. That's all I ever wanted for my kids. For them to find a love like ours and to be happy."
"Yeah she is happy. I'm pleased they married. I would hate her to be alone. Thought Sam was going to be for a while. He was such a serious kid. Thought when he joined up he'd be Army through and through."
"I know. Think though seeing Robert and Thomas dating woke him up a bit. Saw the fun his siblings were having. All turned out good in the end though. I love all my daughter in laws equally."
When Molly and Charles had first stared to talk about children after their reconciliation they both worried they were reacting to what they had gone through. Have a child together, people said, to cement their relationship. They had seen it done before, and had seen many a couple fail in this way too. They wanted to be sure, and waited.
Although the Army had brought them together it had also caused them to break apart. So they knew they needed to fix them first and their future before they brought a new life into the world.
Charles was happy to leave the Army. He would do anything that would keep him and Molly together, but she wouldn't have it. She knew that Army Charles was the man she fell love with, and was part of who he was, and to take away his identity when he had struggled so hard to regain it could be fatal to them. She also knew that Army life and being a mum was hard, too hard for her and Charles to want to deal with. Lady luck had been good to them initially, but over the years she had failed them. So everything they could do to stop their lives from being so hard they would do.
Luckily Molly only had to make a small change to her life to accommodate their future together. She left the Army but still worked for them, part time once the children came along, as a welfare officer. She joked with Charles' run of bad luck over the years she personally knew what it was like to get that knock on the door in the middle of the night. Her first hand experience of being broken bad news made her perfect for her role. A job she really felt as though she made a difference in supporting families and loved ones at their most vulnerable times.
It meant no more tours, so nights away were only few, and that meant stability. She was someone Charles could always come home to, someone who was always there when he had a bad day. Someone who could support him when the dark times threatened him, and likewise he was someone who she depended totally on too.
Through her huge sacrifice they were able to determine a future. Charles was able to stay grounded and again became the excellent soldier we all knew. Some felt Molly's sacrifice was too much for her once cheating husband, but Molly never felt that way as he had lost so much but was still willing to give her everything he had. He too made sacrifices. Operationally he did very few tours. He began to be noticed and was eventually promoted to Major. He loved his job, but Molly was under no illusion, if she asked he would give it all up in a heartbeat for her, for the family.
So that was when they stated to plan children. Robert came along first and Sam was amazed at having a very small, almost useless baby brother. As a family of four they had many happy times. Molly on her hard days still recalled those few weeks as a new mother, the new skills she had to quickly learn as the happiest and most successful as she had ever felt. She could still remember the pride she felt when she held Robert for the first time, thinking her and Charles made him.
Eventually Thomas came along and then after five years of trying, and having fun doing so, then came Jane.
When Charles' parents offered them Royal Crescent, neither Charles nor Molly hesitated. They house from the first day they moved in was loud, busy and always welcoming. A family home, filled with love that Molly and Charles were so proud of. She wanted to remain in this home that she loved with all her heart until the end.
They had the usual trials and tribulations with their kids over the years. Both Sam and Robert followed Charles into the Army. Both choosing the officer route after uni. Thomas amazed them all and turned towards the law. It shouldn't have really been that much of a surprise as he had spent most of his teenage years arguing with his parents over some trifling injustice. For a while it looked as though Jane was going to be over shadowed by all her brother's careers, lost for a while. However she later pulled it out the bag when she went into dentistry, and brought her first girlfriend home. Charles and the boys were shocked, but never showed it to her. While Molly always secretly knew about her daughter's preference. She called it mother's intuition.
"I know it will be hard Charles." She wiped his eyes. They had started to water again. He insisting that he had a cold coming on. "Me staying here until the end, but I would like it."
"I promise Molly, we'll keep you here. I understand." He sniffed. Shifting himself to lie on his back.
As always she took that as an invitation to rest her head on his shoulder, being wrapped in-between his arms and chest.
"I don't want you to make yourself ill though. If it comes too much, we can look at a nursing home or something."
"Molly I promise you, I'll keep you here."
"Thank you." She whispered. "I just want to die in my own home, you know?"
"Yes I do Molly." He then broke into loud sobs. Tears rolling fast and hard down his face. Saturating the top of her hair. She did nothing, she let him cry. She knew he had been crying a lot lately. She had too. Neither of them wanting the other to know to avoid upset. But she knew it was good to cry. So she allowed him to continue.
Out of both of them she never thought she would be the one facing her death first. He had had so many lucky escapes in his career. Had come close to death three times at least. He most definitely had used nine lives. That surely the next time would be his last. From these brushes with death he had injuries that limited him still at times, and complications that arose from being an active soldier for nearly thirty years. His bones ached and creaked, but general he remained in excellent health. Rarely visiting his GP surgery.
Whereas Molly; she had been lucky. No injuries occurred whilst actively serving. Apart from being broken several times during child birth she had avoided injuries, breaks or major illness. That was until now. In the past five years this whirl wind of a lady, this feisty Army Medic, had started to slow down. The more than frequent chesty coughs, crippling low energy levels, anaemia, and oedema all signs that her health was changing. Incredulity greeted them all when her diagnosis had come through. She had been fit, looked after herself, so it seemed unfair that she was hit with a double whammy of health problems. Both with little hope as the other.
It was the little things that she missed the most. Baking, helping Charles in their beloved garden, playing with the grandchildren. Small simple tasks made her tired and out of breath. She frequently depended on Charles' these days to help with her showering and dressing. Something they found amusement in, her loss of independence now meaning Charles put her clothes on these days far more often that taking them off, as he used to do in their earlier passionate days.
As Molly rested her head on Charles, she realised his weeping had stopped and his breath indicating he had fallen into a much needed nap. They both needed these now a days, and most afternoons found them snuggled up together beneath their duvet, napping. A closeness in such a simple action that they both relished. A guilty pleasure, as well as a necessity.
Their days were generally slow, at their pace and in a wonderful rehearsed routine of comradeship. For so long they had been Molly and Charles, a double act. Friends marvelled at how in sync they were and still so happy and so in love.
Molly appreciated just how hard to would be for Charles to lose her, and the thought of him suffering because her stupid body was not strong enough to continue was a constant source of pain to her. She knew the family would rally round him, love him. But there had never had been, nor will there be again anyone who loved Charles James the way Molly Dawes had. They both understood that.
Eventually Molly drifted off into a fretful sleep. She had so many plans that needed to be put in place, and not enough time, that her brain these days found it difficult to shut off. She woke though reluctantly hours later to find Charles shifting from the bed.
"Sorry." He said as he padded his way to the bathroom. As always she felt his loss. Young or old the comfort another's body could give you at your weakest time is unmeasurable. She regretted his absence immediately, and not just because of the loss of the warmth he gave her cold body. She couldn't have lived without him. During their separation because of his mental health issues and what happened with Georgie, she knew that. She had felt herself drowning in the void that was her life once Charles wasn't in it. Slowly though in time Molly felt as though she was surfacing from that nightmare, and came out victorious. She had forgiven him, and they had fallen more gloriously back in love than before. They were part of one another, and this their future now, though not as happy as it had always been, would still be faced together.
"Best get up." She said, out of habit. Over the past year they had made this room, which had once been Charles' parents room into their bedroom, and Molly's day room. It meant the stairs didn't have to be climbed if she had a bad day, and the bathroom was always close by to help with the side effects of the numerous diuretics she took. Over the past month she hadn't left the room at all. So saying she needed to get up, she merely meant moving from bed to one of the comfy chairs at the other end of the room.
Charles walked slowly down the stairs, after he left the bathroom. He knew Molly would be hungry, would need a cuppa, and had medications to take. He set to in the very lonely kitchen making her a light evening meal. Her appetite was poor these days. She had always been a tiny soul. Except when pregnant, and then she defied logic in how large she had grown each and every time bigger than the last. But nowadays Charles looked at Molly and didn't see the proud, strong Medic who could lift her Bergen and more with ease. No he saw how her body had become frail, ravaged by her ill health, old age and time. Her body once delicate and firm, was now just tiny and fragile under his touch. But it was still a touch he treasured.
He had so many beautiful memories of her body and its response to his. Their sex drives were always turbo charged when it came to each other. Their sex life was always, up until recently, still very much an important part of who they were. It amazed him that this beautiful girl could give herself over to him so completely and could cause reactions from him that often were indescribable. More than anything he knew that no matter how the end came he wanted to be holding her, keeping contact with her body until the final moments and the breath and warmth left it. Sad though it was, he felt that it would be a privilege to do that for the woman he loved. They always said they wanted to be the last thing they saw, and Charles was going to ensure that is exactly what would happen.
Making his way upstairs, this time using the chair lift, he mulled over the conversations he was going to have with his children. Even though they were coming up to their 50's, Sam nearly in his 60's they still very much viewed Charles as the patriarch. Molly very much the matriarch. So he knew they would both have to be strong, the time for tears, like he had this afternoon, would be behind closed doors. Just for him and Molly to share. In Charles' view life had enough sadness in it without the need for him to dump more sadness on his children and grandchildren. They would be honest and give them all time to grieve over the news, but they would never take their hope away. Charles knew that it was hope that was often the thing that got you out of bed, even on your darkest days. It was his hope in Molly all those years ago that had made him do just that.
"Hey. I missed you." Molly said looking up. She had turned her nebuliser on, and mist spilled out of the mask's side as she spoke. It helped, her breathing to be a bit less laboured for a while after this dose. That made Charles hope she'd manage a fair share of the food he had brought.
He sat there quietly waiting for the drug to finish going through. Gazing out to the street below him. He was watching the coming and goings of other's lives. People in the street below unaware they were being watched.
His mind drifted back to the time him and Molly had walks up and down that street, teaching the kids to ride their bikes, playing hide and seek with them. It was from that street that Molly came home. Like the day Molly knocked on his then parent's door when she returned for her second tour in Afghan teaching Medics. Her cheeky 'missed me' line and smile sealed the deal for Charles. He knew then she was the one, and the only one for him. The other half to him, the person he had been waiting for all his life. It was actually in that very street that very door step that he had asked her to marry him all those months later. They had gone outside to watch the fireworks at midnight on New Year's Eve, and he dropped down on one knee declaring his wishes. Of course she said yes, he never doubted that she wouldn't.
It was also on that very doorstep that Molly had come back to him, when she gave him, their marriage a second chance. He had asked her if they could try again, told her of his love for her one day while out with Sam. She had ran, panicked, unable to answer him. Charles returned to his parent's house dejected. Certain he had lost her for good. Only to be surprised when she turned up on that very doorstep days later, brave and bold, telling him she would never ever live her life without him in it again. Kissing in the open doorway for all to see, and his parents to rejoice in such a display.
"That's looks lovey Charles." She said pointing to the food as she took her mask off. "I'm actually really hungry." She wasn't but loved the way his face light up into a smile at her words. Him feeding her was a practical thing that he could do, and he tried so hard. When they first got together their cooking skills were poor, as the years went by though they started to really enjoy family meal times, and so both put extra efforts in to make these enjoyable. Charles was much more creative than Molly. She was the baker, and a good one too until lately. He was the chef.
Over the years they had had numerous fun filled dinner parties, all generally catered for by Charles' fair hands. They had numerous friends, and loved sharing their home with them. Beck and his wife were their firm friends, or were until Beck's death three years ago. This hit Charles hard. It made him face his own mortality, as well losing a close friend who had known Elvis. Another link to his old life gone. Sadly Beck's wife was unable to care for herself, and her family moved her closer to them. Contact now was the occasional letter and card only.
"That's good." He said, as he placed the small table in front of her chair. "Fancy the T.V on?"
"No I'd just like to sit and it be just us if you don't mine." She offered back.
As they sat side by side, Charles eating, Molly nibbling, they both held each other's spare hand in their own. Their fingers playing out a gentle and practice routine of courtship all on their own. They always had been demonstrative in their love for each other, and times had not changed that, not one bit.
As the evening grew dark Charles was inclined to turn the lights on in the room... but didn't. Ever since their first and only tour together Charles knew Molly liked looking out into the night, it was her thinking time. She didn't like to be interrupted by harsh lighting. Even when their children were small he would often find her cuddling them after a feed in semi darkness. Taking in their lovely baby smell and the closing of the day.
"This is perfect." She murmured. "You me, everything. I couldn't have asked for any more you know Charles."
"I know my love." He watched as a few rare tears rolled down her face. Leaning across, as he had done numerous times, to catch them on his thumb and brush them away. He wished that he could do that for all that she was going through, brush it all away.
They sat there together for a while longer. Charles realising that Molly was tiring, and offered to help her into bed.
"Come on Dawes, it's bed time for you." He winked. Wondering just how many times in his life had he taken this woman to his bed. However many it was, he bitterly felt, it wasn't enough. She giggled at the suggestion, but he sensed the tiredness in her, and helped her to stand. She took the opportunity of being so close to him and kissed him. A long full kiss, lips connecting in their persuit of love for each other. It lasted a good minute or so until Molly had to pull away, regretfully, needing to catch her breath. Then then just stood for a few more minutes, foreheads connected to each other's, reading each other's souls. Declaring the eternal love they had for one another.
"We'll call the kids tomorrow. Yeah?" She suggested.
"Good idea Molly. Think we both need an early night. Don't you?"
They washed and undress in a practiced way. Charles helping when needed, Molly still struggling to do what she could. It was always with relief when they both got into bed. She watched him walk over to their bed. Still a fine looking man, with a good physique for his age. She smiled; he still wore his sleeping bottoms low slung across his hips and remembered how the sight of him dressed like this used to make her heart truly race.
Tonight Molly didn't prop herself up to read, she laid herself right down in to the bed and invited Charles to snuggle up to her back. His arm wrapped tightly around her waist, hand brought up and held over her heart. So he could hold her against him. In the early days this was the way they fell asleep and woke up too. His early morning erection always digging into her. Always making her feel happy that he still craved her. Now though although they fell asleep like this more often or not, the frequent toilet trips and need for Molly to sit up during the night for her breathing, found then merely holding hands. It was enough. Circumstances change, but their need to be still in contact with one another hadn't.
Charles lovingly kissed her.
"Good night Molly. Love you." It was the words that he had said to her every single night they had slept together, even if they were in bad moods with one another.
"Good night Charles. Love you." Came her practiced but still very much heart felt reply.
Her breathing changed instantly and he knew his wife, his Molly, the mother of his children had fallen off to sleep. He hoped it was a restful sleep, he hoped it brought her relief from the suffering she faced most days, but most of all for tonight he hoped that she would sleep and wake up again in the morning.
That tonight was not going to be the night that he said good bye to his love forever.