Getting Up

I was standing in the middle of the yard in nothing but an oversized sweater and my hiking boots from the Newton's shop. This wouldn't have been too odd, save for the fact that it was two in the morning and snowing.

I really didn't know what I was doing. Without even thinking about it, I suddenly dropped to my knees and clutched my chest. And when I say clutched, I mean seized. I wrapped my arms around my torso and chest willing myself to breathe and keep breathing. I didn't need to stay in one complete piece, I just needed to be alive for Charlie. And that was why I was there. For Charlie.

I felt myself getting a grip and I sank completely to the frozen ground holding my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. Think Bella! You MUST think! I commanded myself. I stared into space for an immeasurable moment, and then with exaggerated movements, I slowly dragged my pathetic self back to my bed. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well the rest of the night.

...Four Months Later...

I wasn't even aware anymore. I was out of it. When Charlie spoke to me, rare as the occurrence was these days, I could hardly keep my head up. And Charlie was the only one to attempt to talk to me. And now, it seemed, he was giving up. It didn't hurt though. After what happened a few months ago, I didn't feel anything but numb. Even alone in my room in the dead of night, when we had shared some of our most sacred times, I found I could be numb. I took comfort in that, and foolishly tricked myself into believing I was getting better.

"Bella!! Will you please, please listen to me?!" bellowed Charlie.

I almost instantly snapped out of pondering my half-full cereal bowl. "I am listening to you Dad. What are you talking about?"

"No, Bella. You aren't listening to me. You aren't listening to anyone. You won't let anyone in to help you. You won't let anyone try to fill the whole that HE left." And with that horrid word, Charlie's voice changed to a hiss worthy of a cobra.

"No. You're wrong."

"Am I? Fine then. If I'm wrong, then you won't have any problem going home."

What was he talking about? I was home. I stared straight into Space without comprehension. And then it fell into place. "You're shipping me to Renee?"

"Yes. Although, I wouldn't use the word shipping to describe it."

We were silent for a while. Then I said very quietly, "I won't go. You can't force me."

Charlie looked dumbfounded. "I am still your father, I do have the authority to send you to your mother if I think it will help."

"No you don't Dad. I already turned eighteen this year remember? You don't technically have the authority to send me anywhere," I said in a flat voice. "Unless you don't want me around you anymore. In that case..." I trailed off meaningfully.

"No Bella! That wasn't what I meant at all! I just think you would get over it if you weren't in constant reminder of him. It isn't healthy for you. That's all I meant by it, I swear."

"Dad, I don't want to leave. We've been through this before, you know. I-I can't leave right now."

"Fine Bella. You need to go, you're going to be late for school. I'll see you this afternoon."

I quickly washed out my forgotten bowl and shrugged into my jacket. I jumped into the truck, smartly ignoring the gaping whole in the dashboard that resembled my chest at times. I conveniently forgot what was ever there. I started the ignition and made my way to school. I wasn't late as Charlie had suggested, but I didn't have any free time to idle around, and for that I was grateful. Free time, and Sundays for that matter, were the bane of my existence.

As I made my way to the back of the English class, no one noticed my figure. The time passed by. We were studying Animal Farm by George Orwell. Communism I could handle. Romance, not so much.

The day flew by, Calculus and Spanish in a blur. Then came lunch. I grabbed my food, none of which I ate anymore, and sat at the usual table. I wasn't acknowledged as I slid into my chair. I hadn't noticed before that no one even looked at me. It didn't make me feel sad, it just added to the empty feeling I was already experiencing.

The rest of the day passed in similar fashion, no one looking or talking to me. I went to get in my car, and as I passed Mike's Suburban, he waved to catch my attention.

"Bella, are you working tomorrow?"

"If tomorrow's Saturday then I'm working." I tried to smile, but it felt as though my cheek muscles had been given a thorough shot of novocaine.

"See you tomorrow then."

I jumped into the cab and pushed the engine to go faster and faster so I could be home and have time to go to pieces before Charlie arrived expecting dinner.

------------0o0------------

As I took the bag of trash to the Dumpster behind the Newton's shop, I noticed a small, hot pink flyer taped to the giant trash can. I grabbed it and comprehended the gist of it. It was advertising a rave of sorts that night at a house in Port Angeles. It said to call and R.S.V.P. I thought to myself, What kind of person, R.S.V.P.'s to a RAVE? But I was curious, so I took the flyer and pocketed it. It was only about 2 o'clock, but I had a LOT of free time on my hands. I got in the door of my house and removed my jacket slowly. What was I going to do?

I looked at the paper again. It didn't appear to have a professional look to it. But what did I know, right? One of the only parties I had ever been to was my eighteenth birthday all those months ago. But I couldn't afford to think about that incident.

Something Charlie said yesterday hit home. "You would get over it." All these months, I had tried to appear to get over it because I HAD PROMISED. HE broke his promise. Why can't I? And propelled by the anger I suddenly felt at the situation, I picked up the phone and dialed the ten digit number given to me by the bright flyer.

Five hours later, I was standing in front of my pathetic horde of clothes attempting to find a suitable outfit. It was almost funny how I had no idea what to wear. When I had called the number, The boy, I didn't want to say man- it just didn't feel right, had seemed elated that another person was coming to his little soiree. He had given me directions and asked if I had any questions. I inquired about the dress code and he chuckled and told me to come comfortable. So here I was, debating whether or not to take his advice on the comfort scheme. I finally decided on a pair of relatively skinny jeans that tucked nicely into the only pair of boots I had. I put on that dark blue, V-neck sweater that HE had once admired. Stop right there, I commanded myself as I tensed. You owe yourself one night. One pain-free night. And you know it. Yes, I did know it. And that is what I was trying so hard to do.

------------0o0------------

As I rounded the corner on the street of the "rave", I felt indecision flow through me. I pulled up into a spot and looked at the scene of the crime. Did I really want to go in? I felt the answer with every fiber of my being. Yes. That was all the fuel I needed to get out of the truck and run up to the house where I could hear loud, fun-sounding music.

I knocked on the door and was soon greeted by a tall boy about my age. Probably a senior looking for fun, just like me. I didn't say that out loud. Instead, I asked, "Are you Alex?"

"Yeah, I am. Are you Beeella?" He looked, and sounded, slightly drunk. He was very good looking. His hair had a sort of punk, skater look to it, but I knew, that if brushed, it could look very decent. He was wearing a tight multi-colored hoodie that was often seen worn by girls. He was also wearing what appeared to be girl's skinny jeans. All-in-all, he looked very happy to see me.

"Yeah. That's me," I responded with a sudden confidence rushing into me. "Are you going to invite me in, or do I have to stand in the doorway all night?" I asked coyly.

"No way! Come in and meet the Gang."

We made our way through loads of bodies. Some hanging out on the steps, talking, sipping something that was most likely beer. Some were leaning against the walls, looking as though they thought they were too cool to be there. Most were dancing, gyrating there bodies against one another, boy-girl, girl-girl, big groups of both genders. He led me to the kitchen where another group of people were talking and laughing. Enjoying the company of the evening.

"Heeeey. This is Beeeella. 'Member, she's the chick that called earlier," Alex announced to the group. The "Gang" consisted of two girls and three boys, including Alex. One girl had platinum blonde hair with hot pink, turquoise, and one neon green streak running through it. It was pin straight and very long. Her face looked flawless and her eyes were lined in probably two inches of jet black eyeliner. She wore skinny jeans and a hoodie that resembled the one Alex wore. The other girl was the opposite. She had a figure, not fat, but round. She wore a low cut tank top and black skinny jeans. Her hair was jet black and had streaks of blonde and pink running through it. Her's was in a ponytail, so I couldn't estimate the length, though it had to be quite long. The boys were wearing pretty much the same as Alex. One was wearing a baseball cap backwards and one was wearing oversized green sunglasses.

My confidence was still there, stronger than ever. "Hi. I'm Bella," I said to the loungers almost seductively. My voice was quiet and purred slightly. Almost instantly, the boy in the glasses straightened up in his chair. The boy in the baseball hat snaked his arm around the blonde girl. The raven-haired girl seemed to assess me as though I was on display. I looked acidly back at her, and to my surprise, she laughed and scooted over to make room for me to pull up a chair. I smiled back and did just that.

"Hey Bella, I'm Elise," said the Blonde. "We've been waiting for you all day. Once Alex got the call, we decided to make it fun."

"Yeah, we're glad you could make it to our shindig. We haven't had anyone new in ages," said the cap boy. "By the way, I'm Travis."

"Nice to meet you Travis."

"So, I'm Nate. I'm pretty much the cool one," the boy in the glasses said with a grin. He winked at the girl with the black hair. She smiled at him widely. "This is my girlfriend Uhhhleesah. It's spelled like Alyssa though."

Alyssa looked pleased with her introduction and I instantly knew that she was the ring leader of this little circus. She looked at me with wide eyes and spoke at last. "Welcome to our group. We've needed someone to balance us out. I think you're just the person to do it."

"Nice. I'm looking for some people to balance out myself. Great to meet all of you." And it was. It was genuinely nice to finally be noticed. It felt wonderful.

We spent the rest of the night talking and getting to know each other. It was fun to see how the group worked. Even though Alyssa seemed in charge, she didn't command anything from anyone. By the time it was time for me to hit the road, we had made plans for the next day. We were going shopping, something I had not ever expressed a want for. But, curiously, I was looking forward to my outing with my new friends. I had a feeling that I was going to come home a changed girl tomorrow.

I didn't know what had happened between yesterday morning and tonight, but I did know one thing. The pain wasn't going to be friendly. It wasn't going to go easy on me now that I had made some friends. It was probably going to be even more brutal than it had been in the last few weeks. But I could live. I knew that if I didn't succumb to the pain, if I looked ahead to the next day, I could get through it. And I would get through it. Because I didn't know what the future held in store for me anymore, and I wanted to be alert enough to know what was going on around me.