Disclaimer: Victorious and its characters are the property of Schneider's Bakery and Nickelodeon. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. No profit is intended or wanted for this story.
"…and he was so fat, they buried him in a piano case."
"Wow, over a half ton?" Robbie asked.
"Yep!" Andre said.
During their Friday lunch hour, the gang had been discussing Guinness World Records – the last was the fattest person on record, Robert Earl Hughes, who died over fifty-five years before. One fact they didn't consider was that the records were based on the sole copy in the HA library from 1975.
Cat lay her head back on Beck's shoulder as she had no interest in world records. Beck wrapped his arm around his new girlfriend, holding her close.
Tori, often relating things to music, had a thoughtful look on her face. She asked, "I wonder what song has the longest title ever…"
"That's easy," Jade said. "It's an old Hoagy Carmichael song from the war: I'm A Cranky Old Yank In A Clanky Old Tank, On The Streets Of Yokohama With My Honolulu Mama, Doing Those Beat-O, Beat-O, Flat On My Seat-O, Hirohito Blues."
During their Friday lunch hour, the other five at the lunch table stared at Jade with various looks of disbelief, astonishment and awe.
"What?"
"How… Why do you know that?" Tori asked.
Beck stared at his ex-girlfriend like he never knew her. "Yeah, you never mentioned that before."
"What's the big deal? I know some trivia so I shared it."
Andre cut in, "That's pretty obscure, Jade. With Tori so into music, I could believe she'd know that but you're into horror and…"
"What is this? I know an old song from the war years. Actually, I know a lot of songs from the war years. The classic Stardust, also written by Hoagy. Glenn Miller's Moonlight Serenade, In the Mood, String of Pearls… Begin the Beguine and Frenesi by Artie Shaw. Sing, Sing, Sing and Stompin' at the Savoy by Benny Goodman. Duke Ellington's Take the A Train. Count Basie. Those are the best-known. Then there were the Dorsey Brothers, Harry James, Lionel Hampton, Charlie Barnet, Gene Krupa and hundreds of other bands and thousands of other songs."
"You're into swing music?" Tori asked, surprised. "I love those songs too. I have a ton of them as mp3 and wmv files."
"I have the original 78s, most still in their original sleeves."
"I'd love to see those!" Tori exclaimed.
"You know that Hoagy was the piano player for Lauren Bacall in To Have and To Have Not? His character was an old pal of Bogart's in the Vichy-controlled Caribbean islands in the movie…" Jade stated while considering Tori's statement.
"That was him?" Tori asked.
"And that was really Bacall singing… He was also in The Best Years of Our Lives, and that old comedy Topper with Cary Grant and Constance Bennett."
The rest of the gang stared at the two frenemies then shook their heads and turned to another topic while the two most beautiful women at Hollywood Arts talked about seventy-year-old music like they were discussing the most recent Top Ten lists – which Jade usually despised.
From Big Bands, they moved to the classic movies of the 1930s and '40s – thrillers like the Universal monster movies, westerns like John Ford's classics, gangster/crime and noir movies, the war pictures and even the movie serials. Of course, comedies like the Marx Brothers, the Ritz Brothers, Abbott and Costello and especially the classic Three Stooges shorts.
"C'mon Vega! Shemp Howard is hilarious! Did you know W.C. Fields demanded some of Shemp's scenes be cut from The Bank Dick because he was funnier than Fields? Watch his bit parts in old Abbott and Costello movies. Later, when he came back to the Stooges, he was funny as hell! Even when they remade old Curly shorts, he had his own spin on what his brother had done. Look at Hold That Lion…"
"That's the one where all three Howard brothers – Moe, Curly and Shemp - were together for the first and only time," Beck cut in.
When they started talking about the Stooges, Beck's interest perked up until they settled back into an argument, prompting his comment, in a New York accent, "Oy gevalt."
Cat giggled, "You sound like Robbie's Uncle Bert!"
"Cat, it hurts a guy when his girl talks about old boyfriends," Beck said.
"You big silly! Robbie was never my boyfriend! We never even kissed. Definitely didn't do…" Beck covered her mouth with his hand as she giggled.
The others perked up when the girls' discussion again grew heated. "And I'm telling you he wasn't in The Most Dangerous Game - which was filmed on the King Kong set! They filmed that at night with Fay Wray and Robert Armstrong who then had to turn around and work on Kong the next day."
"Yeah, I know that. But Bruce Cabot was in it too. He the romantic lead."
"Nooo…Joel McCrea was in Game. Cabot was in Kong," Jade countered. Looking at the curly-haired boy at their table, she demanded, "Shapiro, pull out that ridiculously oversized pad and go to IMDB. Look up The Most Dangerous Game. The 1933 version."
"Right-a-rooney!" He produced his large pad and slapped the screen several times. "Here we go…"
"Gimme!" Jade said as she jerked the TV-sized tablet from Robbie.
"Rude!" Rex said.
"What?!" Then Jade looked at the screen and held it up to Tori, "Read the tablet, Vega. Read the taaaablet!"
"Hey! That's still my phone-in-face bit!" But Tori looked at the display and muttered, "Dang it!"
"Have you ever seen Game?" Jade asked, her triumph beaming from her face.
"Uh, no, not really… I saw an Andy Griffith TV movie that Dad said was based on it. He was hunting some kids in the desert…"
Jade sat there for a long minute, lost in thought. "Jade?'
"Huh?"
Tori said, "We were talking about movies?"
"Oh! Yeah. I was asking you about… Alright. Jeez, I know I'm going to regret this. Guaranteed." Jade sighed then stated, "You'll come home with me and we'll watch the movie."
"Um…it's not really neces…"
"Vega, it was made in 1933. It's not gory! And it's an adventure movie, not a horror movie. Well…not too much…"
"Alright then," Tori agreed after thinking for a second.
Later, before their last class, Tori found Andre. "Hey! Do me a favor?'
"Sure chica."
"Um, if you don't hear from me tonight, call the cops…"
Andre laughed and nodded knowingly, "Sure, muchacha. I'll call your dad… But I don't think that'll be a problem…"
As he laughed knowingly, Tori had to ask, "Huh?"
He shook his head with a small smile and replied, "Never mind. Enjoy the movie…"
Tori was amazed at the massive Victorian house Jade called home. "This is your house?"
"Yep, home sweet home…"
"It's… Wow… This is… Holy chiz… I mean… Wow…"
"You already said that," Jade stated.
"I know but… This place is…awesome… I… Shut up!"
Jade actually barked out a laugh at that typical Tori-ism. "Come on in. Help me get some drinks, nuke some popcorn and we can watch an old-school thriller."
The kitchen was large, all red brick, wooden cabinets and brass cookware. Tori had to admit she was very impressed.
Seeing the look in Tori's eyes, Jade said, "Don't."
This was the third time she stopped Tori from babbling once they came in the house. Once was in the foyer as she stared at the ornate, period entry furniture. The second time was in the beautifully furnished living room with the Jumbotron-sized wide-screen and the fireplace that was almost as large. Then came the large, fully appointed kitchen.
Jade tossed two bags of nuker corn into the microwave as Tori pulled out sodas from the massive refrigerator while managing not to go nuts about the appliance.
"Are we going to watch the movie in the living room?"
"Nah, my old man might come home early. No need to share with him. We'll watch it in my room."
"You…your room?"
"Yeah, that's where the movies are. C'mon…" Jade started up the back stairs.
"Wait! You live upstairs?"
Jade had a befuddled look as she replied, "Of course. What? You think I lived in the basement?"
"Um…ye…no. Of course not!"
"God, Vega, I'm not a mushroom! That's the rec room and the laundry room. There's also a sauna and indoor Jacuzzi." Jade started up the stairs again, "C'mon."
Slowly at first, Tori followed Jade. They passed the second floor but Tori didn't say anything. On up to the attic, Tori said, "The attic! Of course!"
"Yeah, the attic, Vega. Watch out for the cobwebs and the bats…" she joked, even as Tori glared at her.
Jade stepped into the large room and stood aside to allow Tori in. This time, Jade didn't stop the Tori babble.
"Holy chiz! This is awesome! How… This is all yours? This is so cool… I can't… Wow, Jade… You have this whole space…?" Seeing the amused look in Jade's eyes, Tori concluded with "Shut up!"
Jade's bedroom took up most of the attic. The front of the room - above the front doors and wraparound porch, had wide windows with a sliding glass door in the middle which opened onto a small balcony - let in a lot of light. Dormer windows to the right also allowed in light.
On the far side, to the left of the front windows was a desk with a full laptop workstation including dual, wide-screen monitors. Opposite the front windows (to their left as they came up the stairs) were shelves of video equipment and books – lots of books. The wall behind this closed the room off from the rest of the attic as did the wall behind her workstation. Both were covered with a dark green, patterned wall paper. There, at the juncture of the two interior walls, Jade's butterfly collection hung behind her old easy chair easily recognized from her vids. Nearby, there were the free-standing shelves of her oddities. To their right, as they came up the stairs, were two free-standing wardrobes, a dresser and a queen-sized bed with end tables.
The rest of the room was light-colored paneling with mostly bare, dark brown wood beams.
Towards the front of the room, there was a couch – practically a loveseat - a recliner, end tables and a huge free-standing plasma screen at the angle between the front windows and the side dormers. "I'm trying to decide where to have it mounted. I may have it suspended by cables from those beams."
Tori's gaze followed Jade's hand to see the large open lattice of beams beneath the actual ceiling. Guessing Tori's question, Jade said, "Sorry to burst you bubble but there're no bats, spiders or other evil things. Just insulation up there with sheets of particle board covering it. I painted it to match the rest of the room."
"It's like a north woods inn…"
"Ever been to the north woods?" Jade challenged.
"Um… No. But I did see The Great Outdoors and the Grumpy Old Men movies…" Tori replied, defensively.
Jade actually smiled, "Just yanking your chain, Vega. But that's kind of what I wanted.
"Make yourself comfortable. If you need to use the bathroom, it's the door behind the front stairs." The bathroom door was in the far corner, behind the stairs which had a bannister and rail to protect someone from stepping into the empty space. The bathroom door actually matched the walls, the camouflage only disrupted by the brass door knob. Further along the wall, along the back of the room, and between the video equipment and her 'corner' as Tori thought of it, was another camouflaged door that, Tori later learned, led into the rest of the attic where various West family items and stored heirlooms were stored.
Deciding to nip any issue in the bud, Tori stepped into the full bathroom. For a full minute, she stood there staring. The room was almost as big as her bedroom back home. Beyond the sink and the toilet was a large tub with Jacuzzi jets. Opposite the sink and counter was a large, glass-walled walk-in shower.
Finally taking care of her business, Tori walked out. Jade was waiting with a knowing smile. "Anything to say?"
"Um… Wow…?" She noticed black and white and color pictures along the walls, mixed in with movie one-sheets like the autographed poster for The Scissoring above the prop scissors in their plexiglass case. She slowly walked along the wall, enthralled by the pictures. "Jade! You have signed pictures from Christopher Lee! And Christopher Reeves. Robert Shayne?" Tori was looking at a black and white picture with Superman.
"Yeah, Shayne played Inspector Henderson on The Adventures of Superman in the '50s. That's why he's standing with George Reeves, the original TV Superman."
Tori nodded even as she came up on a picture of Superman looking at an old Superman comic book. Jade said, "That's Kirk Alyn. He was the first live-action Superman in two movie serials. Dad met him years ago and got the photo signed by him. Same with Shayne. Look a little further…"
Tori accepted the suggestion and round a picture of Bela Lugosi and the Frankenstein Monster flanking a man in street clothes. Lugosi had a big stogie in his mouth. "That's a behind-the-scenes of Lugosi and Glenn Strange with one of the production assistants during the movie. The next one is one of the lobby cards from Jason and the Argonauts signed by Ray Harryhausen."
Wow, Jade, where did you get all these?"
"Dad. After Well Wishes, he finally admitted to his love of show business and collecting movie memorabilia. He haunted comic cons, scifi cons, even the World Science Fiction Convention in Anaheim back in the early 1980s. He met a lot of people in entertainment. He had tons of signed books, comics, pictures, baseball cards, movie stuff… Unfortunately, his old man didn't want him to be a lawyer so Dad ended up selling a lot of it off to supplement his academic scholarship. After my play, he changed and decided he wasn't going to be his father. He gave me the rest of his collection. Over there," Jade gestured to a glass-cased section of one bookcase. "There's a copy of the original novelization of Star Wars written by George Lucas. It's a first edition with the original Ralph MacQuarrie artwork for the cover. Lucas signed it for Dad."
"Jade, this is incredible! You have the coolest room ever!"
Jade chuckled, "Come and sit down. Not in the chair, the sofa is best for watching the big screen." Tori came and sat at the other end of the sofa from Jade, not that it left a lot of space between them.
Grabbing a small device from the end table, Jade pushed a button and drapes slid in front of the windows, darkening the room. Tori jumped and Jade merely said, "Relax Vega. Just cutting down any glare."
"Jade?"
"Yeah?"
"When you mentioned your father, it wasn't as…cold as when we did Well Wishes."
"Actually Vega, I have to thank you for that. Like I said, thanks to my play, Dad is okay with my choice in schools. He's the one who opened up the old family library of music to me too. And the book library, including an incredible collection of old pulps like Astounding Science Fiction and Weird Tales. Those, with some of the comics he never sold, are in a safe, environmentally-controlled storage facility – the comics and magazines. I have a lot of the music on my hard drive but there is definitely something to listening to Big Bands on scratchy old 78s. we actually share a love of that period the music, movies and stories."
"So?"
"So what?" Jade asked.
"Um… Your…um…."
Jade barked a laugh, "Alright Vega, don't bust a vessel. Thank you. Again. Dad and I actually get along better than we have since I was little."
"So why not watch the movie with him?"
Jade looked at Tori but said nothing while thinking, I don't want to share you. Not yet.
Instead, she said, "If he came in during the middle of the movie, he gets all chatty and… I don't like chatty when I watch movies! Yeah, that's a warning…"
Tori snickered as Jade's warning glare softened. Then, having already loaded the DVD, she asked, "You ready?"
Tori nodded and Jade hit the start button. For the next sixty-three minutes, they enjoyed the cat and mouse game as Leslie Banks stalked Joel McCrea and Fay Wray across the jungle island. His character, Zaroff, was a displaced Russian nobleman who missed the excitement of a great hunt. And so he hunted humans who ended up stranded on his private island.
By the end, Tori was impressed. "That was really good. I have heard of it but this is the first time I got to see it. Thanks Jade."
Nodding slightly, Jade asked, "Wanna watch something else?"
About to excuse herself and go home, Tori decided to stick around. She was really enjoying herself. Jade added a caveat, "No gore. Well not much."
"Sure." Jade seemed to be pleased by Tori's answer.
"What do you want to watch?"
"I dunno. Surprise me."
"Here's another movie that shared sets and even costumes. Actually, virtually the entire move." Jade paused, "Wait, have you seen the original Todd Browning Dracula? With Lugosi?"
"Actually, yes I did. Just recently. Dad and I have a horror movie marathon every year before Halloween. We watch all the old Universal movies and the Hammer movies too."
"You do like horror movies!"
"Just not a fan of gorn. Gory movies have to have a plot, not just be a GWP."
"GWP?"
"Gore without plot," Tori answered, causing Jade to laugh.
"Well, this is Dracula but the Spanish language version. With English subtitles, in case your Spanish isn't up to the task…" Jade teased, earning a glare from Tori. "Again, it was filmed at night while the Lugosi version was filmed during the day. This one is almost twenty minutes longer. And this version actually shows the vampire bite marks which the English-language version does not."
Just a little over an hour and a half later, Jade said, "What did you think? Carlos Villarias did a pretty good job as Conde Dracula."
"That was pretty cool. I really don't watch as many Spanish-language movies and shows as I suppose I should."
"Even your sister's show?"
Tori smiled, no rancor in her expression, then shook her head, "I did try to watch that but… It's just so bad…"
"I can't believe I'm saying this but Trina could do better."
Tori smiled at Jade in acknowledgment. "Want to watch another movie?"
Looking surprised, Jade asked, "Weren't you going to Karaoke Doaky?"
"Nah, I can go there any time. I'm in Jade West's room! Watching movies and enjoying myself." Tori stopped and looked at Jade again, "I'm sorry. I didn't think... You must have something to do. I can go…"
Before Tori could stand, Jade said, "No Vega. I don't have anything to do or any place to go. Please stay."
The last was in a very small voice but Tori heard it and smiled widely, "Thank you Jade. I'd love to!"
Tori's phone chimed, indicating a text message. She glanced at it, smiled and typed a response. After sending it, she told Jade, "That was Andre. Wanted to know if I was cooking in your cauldron yet."
A flash of anger then Jade broke out in a smile. "I was saving the hot tub for later…"
Tori laughed and typed quickly.
"What do you feel like watching now?"
Tori shook her head, "I dunno. Hey, can I see your 78s?"
"I can do you one better, Vega. We can listen to some tunes. Every swing?"
"JADE!"
"No, you dope! I mean dancing!"
A suddenly contrite Tori muttered, "Um…no."
"We'll start slow," Jade said. She showed Tori a copy of Glenn Miller's Moonlight Serenade. Jade had a vintage, 1980s turntable hooked up to her stereo system. Tori glanced at it as Jade set the fragile record on the turntable.
"Hey Jade, what's with the 16 RPM setting? I know about 33=1/2, 45 and 78 but I've never seen a 16 RPM record before."
"Dunno. Dad once said something about old talking books…"
As the slow song started, Jade held her arms out – her left crooked hear her waist and her right up and out from her body. Nervously, Tori stepped in, taking Jade's right hand in her left and curling her own right had around Jade's waist.
There was space between them as they started to dance slowly around the center of the room, the Big Band music filling the room from several speakers placed around the room. Slowly, a Miller's romantic song went on, the space between them shrank.
As the song ended, Jade stepped back, gazing at Tori with a small, half-smile. "How 'bout some Artie Shaw?"
Tori nodded and soon Jade was back in her arms as they danced to Shaw's rendition of Begin the Beguine. Then Jade put on Shaw's version of Stardust. This was followed by Tommy Dorsey's version of I'm Getting Sentimental over You.
"Jade," Tori whispered into Jade's soft locks. "Thank you."
Unseen by Tori, Jade smiled.
After that song ended, Jade again stepped back. "Okay, we're going to kick it up a bit."
"Jade, I don't know how to Jitterbug or…"
"Just move with the music. You've seen enough old movies to know how swing works."
Before Jade lowered the tone arm onto the old record, she said, "You know, there is something about older records… CDs and digital music have great sound but the hiss, pop and other little noises in the background of real records is…cool."
Jade was surprised at Tori's response. "You're right. I loved listening to ELO's A New World Record on Dad's old stereo. Then, when I was older, I bought the CD. The music is still awesome but I actually missed the sounds caused by a needle in a groove…"
After Sing, Sing, Sing (Introducing Christopher Columbus), one of Goodman's signature tunes, In the Mood by Miller and his Army Air Force Band and several others were heard.
Finally, they stopped and collapsed on the love seat. "Wow, Vega. For someone who doesn't swing, you burned up the carpet!"
Tori blushed. "I just did what you suggested. Go with the music and what I'd seen in old movies." Tori took a deep breath then said, "I always get caught by the apparent end of the song – twice – during In The Mood."
"Yeah, my Nana loved to tell me about that 'problem' when she went dancing just before the war. She saw all the greats at Sebastian's Cotton Club. Glenn Miller was her favorite and even when she saw him for the third or fourth time, she fell for those false stops near the end of the song."
"Your grandmother saw these guys? Wow."
"Okay, no more dancing. Another movie?"
Tori nodded, "You have anything other than horror? Not that I don't like that but…"
"Yeah, a change of pace… I get it." Jade opened the cabinet again and scanned the titles. "Want to watch a comedy? I've got some older ones. Or sci-fi?"
"Any romance?"
"Ugh… I had hopes for you Vega but now…"
"C'mon, what about Casablanca?"
With an exaggerated sigh, Jade muttered, "Alright…"
Then she threw Tori a smile that belied the dark one's attitude.
After that, a mini-marathon of the old Max Fleischer Superman cartoons before one of the best giant insect movies ever: Them!
By that point, it was well past midnight so Tori ended up staying over, after finagling an invite from Jade. Apparently reluctant, Jade said, "Alright, you can stay. Where to put you…"
"You have a big bed…"
"Vega, I'm not sleeping with you!"
"But Jade, the loveseat is too small… Or you expect me to sleep in the bath tub?"
"No way in hell! I don't want you watching me if I have a middle-of-the-night wazz." Jade thought then said, "Okay Vega, you can share the bed. But stay on your side!
Tori crawled between the sheets and ran into a barrier.
Down the middle of the king-sized bed, Jade had a body pillow. She left that, just in case Vega felt like cuddling in her sleep like Cat.
They fell asleep to another mini-marathon of Shemp-era Three Stooges shorts. Even as she was drifting off, Tori admitted, "Shemp is pretty funnn…"
"Yeah, he is, Tori," Jade whispered to the girl in her bed. Jade fell asleep with a smile on her face.
Notes: First, the movies. They are all real. The Most Dangerous Game was filmed on the same RKO jungle set as King Kong. Universal did film two versions of Dracula simultaneously. Many critics say the Spanish-language version is better but, personally, I love the Lugosi version. Especially his lines in his inimitable voice when he first meets Renfield at his castle. The original Stooges were Moe, Larry and Shemp. When it came to making movies, Shemp signed with Universal while Moe went with Columbia. Shemp talked their kid brother, Jerome, into being the third stooge as Curly. After his debilitating stroke, Curly retired and Shemp returned to the trio. Hold That Lion is a classic if only for the moment when the Stooges meet a sleeping Curly (with hair) while they search for Ichabod Slipp (Kenneth MacDonald – later often a judge in the old Perry Mason series). It is the only time that all three Howard brothers were on film together.
Second, the music. All the songs, for those who don't know swing music, are real. And marvelous. As to the records… As in the story, my Guinness records are dated but I love Carmichael's song title so I ran with it. Hence using a forty-plus year old Guinness book for their reference.
Robert Earl Hughes was a one-time record holder at 1041 lbs. but not the heaviest person ever. He lost that dubious distinction to Jon Brower Minnoch who, at his heaviest, weighed an estimated 1400 lbs, nearly 20 years after Hughes died. Hughes wasn't buried in a piano case but his coffin was described as being as big as a piano case.
Hoagy Carmichael started the rumor about his song but later stated the title actually ended at the word 'Yank'. Guinness ran with the original claim for many years however. In reality, the longest is now Christine Lavin's Regretting What I Said to You When You Called Me at 11:00 On a Friday Morning to Tell Me that at 1:00 Friday Afternoon You're Gonna Leave Your Office, Go Downstairs, Hail a Cab to Go Out to the Airport to Catch a Plane to Go Skiing in the Alps for Two Weeks, Not that I Wanted to Go With You, I Wasn't Able to Leave Town, I'm Not a Very Good Skier, I Couldn't Expect You to Pay My Way, But After Going Out With You for Three Years I Don't Like Surprises. Can't imagine what more there is in the song…