May 16, 1991. Summer came a bit faster this year. It's so hot that I can't fall asleep. Every since last September when… I'm living in the past again. Things have gotten a bit brighter since Roger came home last December. Collins is teaching at Fordham University in the Bronx and Mimi's his student -- I can't believe she's in school again. And Maureen-
Roger knocks on the door. "It's open," I shout. He opens the door and looks in as he says, "You've got to hurry up if we're going to make it on time."
"I'm getting ready as fast I can, I'm just putting away this last canister of film," I reply. Roger answers with annoyance in his voice, "I'll wait for you down stairs." He's been a bit bitter lately, I sometimes wish I knew what was bothering him but I know that'll never happen. Things change from when you're fresh out of high school and when you're nearing your thirties; time seems to speed up. It's a scary thing, when you start felling like you're becoming old. Although I'm getting way ahead of myself, Collins' the oldest one of us, and he's still in school. I just guess that at times I'm afraid of…
Angel's head peers through the crack of the door. "Si vas a venier, avansas." I completely froze when I saw him again, I walk closer to him. He then quickly pulls away. I'm looking all around the living room, but I can't see him. I must be going insane… Where's my scarf?
Now that I'm outside, I see everyone, waiting on me as usual. Collins' face lights up when he sees me and says, "It's about damn time man. What took you so long?"
There are times when I want to say things that would relive this pressure off of me, but I always seem to bite my tongue. "Sorry, I couldn't find my scarf. Where's Maureen and Joanne," I ask.
Mimi pulls away from Roger long enough to answer, "They're waiting for us down at the Church." "Yeah, and you would have known that if we left when we were supposed to leave," Roger snaps. With the small amount of strength I could muster I try to defend myself; "Yeah, well…lets just get going before we miss it completely."
It's safe to say that even with all of the tragedy that Collins has seen in the past six months, he somehow still manages to be happy. The whole way to the train station, all he could talk about is his new university, granted no longer ivy league; but that sort of thing doesn't bother him at all. Out of all of us, he's the only one who knows where he's going to be. Mimi's always thrilled to be with Roger it's reaching the point where it is almost unbearable to see the two of them together. She does act like the average twenty year old, overzealously in love with the man of her dreams. This title of "observer" sickens me now. As each day goes by, I find myself doing more of the observing and less of the creating?
I don't think I've ever seen a church as small as this one before. Unitarian churches are the only one's that'll perform a ceremony to marry two women or men. I never understood the business of discrimination that most churches practiced -- so much so you'd think they were making a profit from it.
When we walk through the church doors, an overexcited Joanne greets us. I didn't know she was this gorgeous, the white silk laying on top of her skin made it hard for me to look away.
"Damn look at you," shouts Collins with excitement. "I'm so glad you guys made it," She responds.
"We were going to be late thanks to the scarf again," said Roger. "Leave him alone. Damn girl, you look good," Mimi said as she gives her a hug.
"Thank you. Dad, can you show these guys where they're sitting," Joanne says as everyone follows her father into the chapel. "Congratulations," is all that seeps out of my mouth. "Thanks Mark," She says as she wraps her arms around me. I felt something odd, I feel calm for some reason, a way I haven't felt since Angel was around.
"So, where is she," I ask as she pulls away from me. "She's in that room, she's been changing for hours. I'm trying not to break that superstition thing she keeps babbling about," she says as I made my way towards the door.
"You know, she's really lucky to be marrying you," I said as I turned to her. "You might want to remind her about that," she says, as I opened the door, and noticed it was eerily quiet, more than necessary.
"Maureen," I said when I walked in, I notice her body slumped over, sobbing with her head in her hands. "Maureen? Are you ok," I ask. With out even looking at me, she answers with obvious tears drowning her every word, "Mark, am I ok? This is the happiest day of my life. Can't you tell?" she turns around, facing me.
"I'm about to walk down the aisle, with the woman of my dreams baby. How can I not be happy," she says sarcastically. As she stands from her stool, walking towards me I started to become uneasy. Not the kind of anxiety that comes with that first kiss in junior high school, but the kind you get if you know the bus you're getting on was going to crash as it turns the corner. "You know Maureen, everyone's waiting for you outside," I said; my mind drawing a blank.
Before I can finish saying anything, she traps me within her arms. I've always said to myself that if I was in her arms again, I wouldn't react like everyone anticipates. But I want to. I know in my mind that I was in love with Maureen, but it doesn't feel the same. As every second passed my feelings change, they now mirrored my mind.
"Maureen," I said as I forcefully remove her hands from around my neck She gazes up at me, with her large green eyes. All I can do is ask questions. How many emotions can someone feel simultaneously? Why do I always find myself in this situation? Why do I still care for her when she's always shown her true feelings for me? Why didn't I ever tell her the truth when I had the chance? Why don't I want to stop her?
"You know baby, I still love you," she says to me. "You know Maureen, I still wish you weren't lying," I reply angrily. She slowly presses her lips against mine, like she has done to me and others hundreds of times before. This was a bit different, it wasn't empty there was something there. I'm just not sure if its love. I pull away from her, as she says, "I wish things were different, but…" I turn from her and clasp the door knob in my hand, "Congratulations Maureen, I hope you found what you were looking for."
I walk out of the room, Joanne wasn't in the hallway any longer, it's best that she wasn't. I don't think I can face her after what just happened. I walk over to where Collins was sitting. As I sit next to him, he turns to me, with his mind clearly elsewhere, "Are you going to be okay with this?" "Why wouldn't I be," I ask him.
"I've known you since the sixth grade Mark. I know you had a hard time getting over her and… I just want to know that you're okay," He says. "Thanks Collins," I said, reassuring him of my stability.
The music echoes through the small chapel as Joanne's father walks with her wrapped around his right arm, as they walk down the aisle. She flowed slowly and gracefully, and even though a veil covers her face I know she was smiling. They reach the altar, As Maureen walks in her tuxedo. Her face was flushed and noticeably pale. She grabs Joanne by the hand and looks at her. "Honey Bear," Joanne said with a smile on her face. "Pookey," Maureen replies with a forced smile.
July 30th 1991. Collins first semester as an "almost professor" was over a month ago, and Mimi dropped out before it was over. She and Collins can't stand the sight of one another now. Roger's taken no sides, but its obvious who he's clinging to. It's odd how two grown people can fight over virtually nothing.
I haven't seen Joanne or Maureen since their wedding, so it is safe to say I was happy to hear Joanne's message. I have a lot of good footage from their wedding, and their reception; its all edited now.
I still haven't spoken to Collins about Angel. Although, I should have said something, but how do I tell him I saw his dead boyfriend --girlfriend.
As I walk into the living room, I saw Roger sitting near the windowsill. He loves staring outside, like he's missing out on something. "Hey Mark, are you going to see Collins," he asks me. "Umm, yeah. I'm meeting up with Joanne at the life café, Collins said he'd be there too," I respond.
"Do you think that maybe you could talk to him. You know since he and Mimi can't reach an agreement," He pleads. "I'll bring it up," I said as I grab my bag and walk out of the loft.
As I walk down the stair case, Mimi walks into her loft. She almost ran in there, I couldn't figure out what could make her hurry like that.
This heat is ridiculous. It's incredible how this city can get one hundred and eight degrees in July, and two in December.
The life café was empty. As usual there was some unknown band playing for no one to hear.
Joanne and Collins, sit in the corner when I see them. "There he is," Collins says as soon as he spots me. "Come sit down Mark," He says as I walk over to them. "So how is the newlywed," I ask as I sit down. "Its going okay I guess," she answers. "That's an understatement, if I ever heard one," Collins says as he drinks from his coffee.
"Oh god, who am I kidding," she says with her head in her hands. "What do you mean," I ask. Without looking up she answers, "I made a big mistake." "Its really not that bad. Is it," I ask.
Collins stares off into the distance, now more than ever he seems lost within himself. "I, umm…How'd the footage come out Mark," she asks with tears gathering within her eyes. "You can't dance around the subject. You're just going to let it get too big for you to deal with later," Collins exclaims, while making no type of eye contact.
"Who am I kidding, I tried to marry someone who I know would find it difficult to make it home at the end of the night," she cries. I just look at her eyes, large and brown yet all that I can see is heartache. "Oh God! I'm so stupid," she said.
She stands up from her seat, and moves next to me. She clutches onto my chest and continues sobbing. Collins sits and drinks his coffee, not acknowledging the heart wrenching agony going on opposite the table from him. Joanne looks up at me, her eyes seemed filled with sadness rather than hate for Maureen. If only anyone knew how many times I found myself in that position. I'm dying to know what Maureen was capable of this time, but Joanne's pain is hers to share, not mine to steal. She just clenches tighter to my chest.
The three of us exit the café. "Here, I almost forgot in the middle of… here," I said to Joanne as I hand her a video tape. "I did the best I could, and I added the music you wanted to it," I said. Slowly her hand reaches for the tape, her face flushed with tears she says, "Thank you Mark." She turns from Collins and me and walks away.
I continue to walk with Collins, down the street inching nearer and nearer towards the train station. "You've got to feel bad for her," He says to me. "Things look like they haven't taken a turn for the better for a while. Ever since… I'm sorry," I said squirming. "It's okay man," he said without a second thought.
I decide to break the tension by saying, "You know, I spoke with Roger earlier, he wanted me to ask if you and Mimi were…" "Do you know what happened with me and Mimi," he said when I look at him with a blank stare. "Mimi started using again. So she decided to take it upon herself to show up to class high! More than once!" I try my best to defend her by saying, "You know Collins, its not like she started out of nowhere. We've known who she…" Collins responds, "Do you know what it is like to lose everything in such a short time? I've been kicked out of two schools in a little over a year. Angel is dead Mark and this was my final chance at doing what I wanted to do with my life. Mimi blew it for me Mark. They expelled me because I had to leave in the middle of a class to get her home so she could sleep it off. And if my entire world being turned upside down wasn't enough Mark, I'm dying. And you know this Mark." Collins turns from me and charges into the subway station.
It's crazy to know things when you can't say anything about them. Not that saying anything has every been my strong suit. I've been biting my tongue for so long I should have a scar. This little mind of mine is always in a million different places at once, but now it's stronger in one place than any other. Joanne. I know the kind of abuse that comes with loving Maureen. Not only did she lover her, but she went that extra mile and devoted herself to Maureen. I thought it was a mistake, but nothing you can say can really change it.
When I get home I am greeted by an empty loft, and an answering machine with a beeping red light. Oddly enough, it was Maureen. "Hey baby, I haven't seen you in a while. We should meet up, I want to see you," plays the message. I couldn't help but notice that she didn't ask me for anything. From what I know about Maureen, is that she always has an agenda I just wish I know what it is. It's almost funny how I'm now the center of all of this melodrama. Then again things seem more concrete than that.
As I'm looking for the address book, Roger walks in, "Hey." I respond, "Hey, Roger." "I thought you'd be with Joanne still," he says. I tried my best to compose a response, but how can I articulate what I saw when I saw her? "She had to run, and Collins too," I said quickly. "Did you talk to him," He asks me almost before I finished speaking. "I tried to tell him, but he's having a rough time," I answer.
Roger walks over to me and sits in the sofa near the phone. I dial Maureen's number as fast as I could in order to avoid conversation. It seems like forever, and for some reason I felt uneasy. Finally Maureen picked up.
"Hello," she says. "Hey Maureen, it's me Mark. I just got your message," I said. "Hey Mark. I sigh really need to speak to you," she says with great difficulty. "It's been a while," I said trying to joke, something I was never good at. "Yeah, that's what I need to talk to you about. I'll be over there in about thirty minutes. Can you meet me at the park?" A smile came over my face when she said that, I remember when we used to meet at the playground whenever we needed to talk. "At the swing set," I ask "Yeah," she says before she hung up the phone, and I did the same.
"She's something else." I said to Roger. "What did Collins say," Roger asks. I can't help but think that Roger has a one track mind.
"Roger, there is something you should know. Collins is really upset," I said. "Over Angel," he asks. "Over everything. Angel, just seems like took longer for him to accept. But that's not what I am getting at. Mimi got him kicked out of school," I said.
"I'm sure she didn't. Even if she did, I thought we were better friends than that," Roger says, trying not to snap back at me. "Mimi collapsed in his classroom, and he had to rush her home so she could get the drugs out of her system." Roger just stares forward, not looking at me, even avoiding my direction. He is frozen by what I just said. Before I make things worse, I went for the door.
I remember this playground. So many years here. Sitting in this same old swing. The only time I would come here, would be to hear something tragic that Maureen had done. Tsk, the things she did to me. I was always hurt whenever I would suspect something of her. I was always surprised. Not that I had any right to be. Anything you think can happen, most likely already has. Too little too late I suppose. But now, that I see her walking across the playground. I want to have sympathy for her, as Maureen sits in the swing next to mine.
"Hey," she says to me without an acknowledging glance. "Are you ok," I ask instinctively. "I've been better. I'm just having some trouble with all of this," she says to me with great difficulty. "I spoke with Joanne earlier today," I said trying to disrupt the uncomfortable atmosphere. "How is she," she asks me.
I am confused with what she says, so I ask, "What do you mean?" "Didn't you just say you spoke to her," she asks. "I did, but… aren't you two married," I ask. "If that's what you want to call it," She replies wittily. "Not that I'm an expert or anything, but don't you traditionally live together, especially since you just got married," I asked confusedly. "Is there anything traditional about me? What did she say about me," she asks with a hint of sarcasm.
I suddenly seemed vacant. I saw how hurt Joanne really was, and now here I am playing mediator for the two of them. "She just said… She, umm… She was upset, but she didn't say much," I said tripping over my own words. "I deserve that," She says, with undoubted sadness in her voice.
I try my best not to make eye contact, so I stare up at the sky, noticing the gathering clouds. I can't help but think of Angel. His life was cut so short, yet he had it all. He found the love of his life in Collins. He was completely free. Instead of living like he did, here I am wallowing in my sorrow; completely grounded.
"Do you remember the first time we came here," she asks me. "How could I forget. First time I met you," I said nostalgically. "When Roger would perform on that grassy hill." She says with a smile.
"Yeah, but that was a long time ago. Times change," I said. "Why do you think that is," she asks. "That times change," I ask obviously knowing the question. "Mhm," she lightly grunts. "Time doesn't really change anything, it just makes you see things you ignored on purpose before," I said trying to sound intellectual. "What did you ignore before, Mark," she asks me.
I don't know how to tell her that I ignored the fact that she wouldn't be faithful. Now that I think about it, perhaps it was something she couldn't do. "I think I know what you ignored. She ignored it too," she says with a dryness about her.
The silence, deafening and somehow appropriate. All I can do is look up at the sky, at the clouds; once white they're now becoming grey.
"You know Mark, there are days when I can't look in the mirror anymore. I hate what I see," she says as a solitary tear rolls down the side of her cheek.
"Maybe we should go somewhere else, its about to rain," I suggest. "How did you feel when Roger told you he saw me come out of the backseat of Ricky's car," she asks, completely oblivious to my remarks.
I feel a buried wound over my heart slowly open again. I can remember how Roger tried to articulate that whole ordeal to me. Ricky and I were friends who grew up together; sixth grade and on. I felt betrayed, I still do. Despite how much that hurt, I somehow bit it back and continued with her. That time and many more after that. She would always say "Baby I'm sorry." I would believe it, I would believe she felt sadness for what she did, and it wouldn't happen again. Till she left me.
"You don't have to answer Mark, when you came to the church, and I saw you again I knew no matter what I said, nothing would change," she says. I ask her, "Change what?" "The fact that I hurt you and other people. I can't take back the empty apologies. Even if it was a long time ago, now I feel bad because of it," she says with a trembling voice.
I try to hold the tears back, as much as I can, yet one manages to escape and flow down my face. Even though the sadness --that I always feel-- becomes heavier, I can't compose all I feel into words. "You don't owe me anything Mark. I owe you so much, and I can't begin to pay you back," she says, almost trying to be therapeutic. All I can do is stand and look at her.
"We should go somewhere else Maureen, its going to rain," I said, biting back the sadness as best as I can. Then, she turns to me. Her large eyes, slowly drilling into me.
Maureen says, "When you came to the church Mark…" Before she can finish, I interrupt her, "Maureen. Please. Please don't say that."
"I do still love you baby," she says with her face flushed with tears. "Please, don't call me that anymore," I said when I turn from her, and I began to walk away, as the rain started to fall. I left the playground and she stayed, drenched in tears. I can't believe that even now she still wants to use me as a scapegoat for her problems. Here she is, with a serious problem and all she can do is try to get me to fix her mess. I can't be a pawn any more.
I make my way down the street, and I notice a leg, dressed in lime green stockings and a thick high heeled shoe. "Angel," I whisper as I run to the corner where I see her. There, crossing the street; I chase her. Could this really be Angel? She is fast, for some one in heels. I chase her for three blocks, then she runs into a building. When I make it to the door of the building, I realize I'm home.
I start up the stairs. When I come across the fourth floor, I se Mimi's loft. It's open and no one inside. I pay no mind to it and keep going up to our floor. I place my hand on the door, and before I can open it, I hear the argument brewing inside.
"…Why would Collins lie to Mark? Why would Mark lie to me Mimi? What would he get from that," he screams at her. "Even if it is what happened, its my business. Not yours, or Mark's or Collins. Mine," she shouts in her defense.
"Why would you even start using this again? This shit is poison Mimi. I lost someone already, I won't lose someone else," Roger says, undoubtedly with love in his voice. "I don't have time for This Roger," she said trying do dismiss everything he's saying.
"Then what do you have time for Mimi? That needle? That powder," Roger says as his anger was slowly growing. "I can't believe you and Mark talk about me behind my back," she says.
"All I did, was try and get Collins to stop being angry at you for what you did," Roger says, his voice now becoming more complacent. "What I did. What did I do," she asks instinctively. "Mimi, you showed up to his class high. He had to bring you home so you wouldn't die. That's why he got expelled from this school," he said.
Mimi, obviously tiring of Roger's rant, starts for the door. "Where are you going Mimi? Tie a band around your arm," says Roger, as she heads back to him.
"Roger, I love you. You know that. But everyone has their flaws," she says trying to rationalize the situation.
Roger laughs at the audacity of what she's saying. "A flaw Mimi? A flaw? A flaw is drinking from the carton. A flaw is hogging the covers. Slowly murdering yourself isn't a flaw. If you can't stop or don't even try, I can't be with you," he says with a trembling voice.
Mimi walks back to the door. She opens it and continues towards the stairs. She stops at the door and looks at me, "He's yours again." I walk to our door, and see Roger sitting on the sofa.
I close the door and head for the roof. When I get there, the rain is becoming lighter, but not gone. I look over to the other end of the roof. There I see Angel, sitting in a chair. I walk slowly over to her.
"Tu caminas alpaso," she says. I ask, "What?" "You walk slow. I know out of all of us Mimi's the only other one who speaks Spanish, but it's funny to say stuff no one understands. Don't you think," she says with a smile.
"Angel," I said as I sit in the chair next to her. "What? Did you forget what I looked like after I died," she says with a warmth that was always about her.
"Are you really…" Before I can finish, the rain almost stops and Roger comes outside. "Mark. Come in man its raining," he says gesturing me over to the door. I turn back around to an empty chair where Angel was once sitting. I grab my bag and head towards the roof access entrance.
When I get in, Roger's waiting for me. "Are you okay," he asks me. "I'm okay, but then again I should be asking you that," I said not knowing how to tell him about my day. Roger says "Well, you got a message from Joanne. Just thought you should call her. She sounded like she was crying."
I follow Roger back down to our loft. My hair wet, water seeping into my socks, and none of it matters. I saw Angel… alive. I walk over to the phone and play Joanne's message.
"Hey, Mark. It's uh… me, Joanne. I… I need to talk to you. Please call me when you get a chance," the message plays.
There is no possible way I can become more shaken up than I already am. Roger walks over to the windowsill, with his guitar in hand; when I picked up the phone to dial Joanne's number.
No answer, so I guess I'll leave a message, "Hey Joanne, I'm returning your call. Umm, well I'm home now. So call me back I guess."
I hang up the phone and walk over to Roger, "Are you ok?" Roger looks up at me. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be," he ask. My concern drives me to say, "It's just that I heard you and Mimi…"
"Don't worry about it, it was bound to happen sooner or later," he says to me as he dismisses my concern. "Well, you know if you need to talk I'm here," I said. "I know Mark," he replies. "I'm going to take a shower, if Joanne calls, just tell her I'll call her back," I said.
As I start to walk towards the bathroom, he says something that makes me stop, dead in my tracks.
"What's the deal with you two," he asks as he tunes his guitar. I don't know how to answer him, since I don't know the answer myself. "What do you mean," I ask.
"She was never too close to you, but all of a sudden the two of you are hanging out all the time," he says curiously. "She's just going through stuff," I say as quickly as I can. "With Maureen," he ass.
"Yeah," I walk into the bathroom, and turn on the hot water, closing the door.
I walk out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around me, and into my room. I close the door as I go through my drawers looking for something to wear.
"You know honey, you got a cute little butt," a voice says. I quickly turn around to find Angel sitting at the foot of my bed, wearing that same Santa suit she wore on Christmas in 89'.
I sit down next to her, and just gawked at what I know is impossible. "Before you start wondering sweetie, I'm not here. Or there," she says to me.
I sit next to her, not knowing to say. I stare at her with my mouth agape.
"Do you know that I still look at Collins every night. Even though it breaks my heart to see him so sad, I watch him for me. A peace of mind I guess. Anyway, how are you Marky," she asks me.
"I'm… I'm, fine I guess. But I don't understand how you're here," I say in disbelief of the situation.
"I don't think you're fine. I meant it when I said the seven of us were lucky to know one another. It was because the we all fit together. I know you Mark, even if it was only for ten months, but I know you well enough to know, you're not being honest when you say you're okay. I saw you and Maureen" I just sit quietly as she continues. "And, I saw you with Joanne," she adds.
I feel uncomfortable when she says that. "You need those thick glasses for a reason. You can't see whats right infornt of you, You're in love with that girl in ways you can't handle Marky.You have to start using your heart sweetie, instead of hiding it," she says as she covers my eyes with her hand, and when I open my eyes again, she was gone.
I wake up the next day, the heat increasing, the fan is on but it does nothing. I wish we can afford one of those huge industrial fans or an air conditioner, to at least try and keep the sweat off of my body.
I get dressed after a shower, and make my way into the living room. I walk over to the phone and see a note that Roger had written, "Joanne called." I look at the machine and notice a message, "Hey Mark. It's Joanne. Listen, can we meet up today? I'll be at the life café' at noon with a client. Can you come at one?" I look down at my watch, noticing it was twelve. I walked over to my bag. As I headed towards the window, I marvel at the rain drenched city. When I reached the door, I pick up the small umbrella.
I slide the door open to find a rain drenched Maureen. "Maureen, you're soaked. Come in," I said as I try to usher inside.
Before she walks in, she grips the side of my face tightly. One hand brushing through my hair, while the other caresses my ear. Her face painted in her sorrow, drowned in tears; she moves in closer. Before her face is too close to mine, I speak for the sake of her relationship with Joanne, "Maureen, I don't think you should…" My attempt was in vain.
She passionately pressed her lips against mine. Her tongue massaging mine as thunder strikes outside. I pull away from her as her huge green eyes stare up at me. The situation makes me so uneasy, that my only instinct was to leave.
"I have to go," I said as I unwrap her from around me and leave the loft. I rush out the door, leaving her inside.
I walk through the street, umbrella closed and in my hands till I reach the Life Café. I look around for Joanne. There she is sitting with her client like she said she would be. Behind her is Collins, he waves at me and so I walk over to him.
"You do know there's an umbrella in your hand," he says. "Umm, yeah. There is," I said as though I just awoke from a coma. "Are you okay Mark? You look like you're out of it," he asks with concern in his voice.
I sit down as a waiter comes by and places a cup of tea in front of Collins.
He pushes it towards me and looks at the Waiter, "Could you bring me another one please." Collins looks back at me as I look up at him and say, "I don't even know where to start. I mean so much has happened in these past two days alone. With Maureen and…"
"Wait, you've seen Maureen," he interrupts. "Yeah, yesterday after we left here and before I left the house," I said. "Joanne told me she hasn't seen her in two weeks," he says as I sit and wondered if I should continue to tell him anything, and decide not to.
Joanne then walks over to us as the waiter brings Collins another tea. "Joanne, Mark told me he saw Maureen yesterday," Collins says to her. She dismisses it and looks at me, and asks, "How are you?" "I'm ok," I respond.
I look to the ground and notice Collins' bags. "What's the bags for," I ask. "They gave me till the end of the week to get my stuff out of my dorm, but I said to hell with it. I decided to leave today," he said.
"Are you coming home," I ask; this being the best news I've heard in a long time. "Well, I was just going to sit here and drink tea till next fall so I could apply somewhere else. But if you want me too…" he says before I quickly interrupt him.
"Of course man, come home. Me and Roger missed you when you went out to Michigan," I beg him. "Alright, I just got to do some thing before I go back home. I'll meet you there later," he says as he stands with his bags in hand as he makes his way for the door.
Joanne turns to me once Collins was gone. "How are you feeling," I ask her. "I'm better," she says as she stares at the window noticing the rain calming down. "Mark, can you take me home?" I look at her with a confusing stare. "I just don't want to be alone." With my mind empty of responses I answer, "sure."
I open my umbrella, and we both walk to the corner, where a she hails a cab. We both climb in as she gives the driver her address. She says nothing the whole ride there, but the tears extruding from her face says it all. As we get closer to 200th on Broadway, the rain picks up again. An urban monsoon. We arrive in front of her building, I get out first and open the umbrella to keep her from getting wet. The cab goes on it's way as I walk her to her door.
"I hope you get better," I said as thunder began crashing. "You're not coming up," she shouts over the rain and thunder.
I walk into Joanne's apartment. "Wait here, I'll get you a towel," she says as she walks into her bedroom. I take off my bag and place it by the door along with my umbrella. She walks over to me, and says, "here." she begins wiping the water off of my face as the power goes out. "I'll get some candles," she says instinctively.
In a few minutes, the house is a pool of candle light. She sits in an arm chair next to the sofa I was sitting on. In order to break the insufferable silence, I speak, "If you don't mind me asking Joanne, what did Maureen do exactly?"
Joanne simply looks at the ground, sitting there as she shrouds herself in a blanket; "I knew women were right when I learned that men were wrong. I'm thinking that picking one over the other wasn't the best choice. I might be insane when I think of fidelity and honesty, but it has to exist somewhere."
Thunder crashes outside the window as the city, is now bathed in darkness. When I look at the blanket, I can't help but notice the big blocky stripe-like pattern was like that of my scarf. "Well, I guess I'm going to start heading home," I said. "And walk, there's no power and its raining a lot out. I doubt you'll get a train or a bus," she says as I lean back in the couch as the rain only increases.
At eleven thirty, Joanne and I are still awake. Listening to old vinyl records of Gordon Lightfoot, an odd choice in music we shared, if anything.
Joanne realizes the time and says, "You should probably get some rest. I'll get you some blankets and pillows." She heads towards a hallway closet while I get up from the floor to the couch again. She hands me a blanket and a few pillows, and says, "Here, If you need more blankets help yourself." She walks into her room as I prepare myself to go to sleep.
My eyes quickly open, as I jerk myself forward to Find Joanne staring at me. I am silenced by the way I awoke. She kisses me softly and slowly. When she pulls away from my face she looks me in the eyes, "Tell me you love me." I am frozen by what she did, it takes me longer than I thought to say, "Joanne, I…" my words are deafened by her kiss, as she lays me down on the couch and she slowly removes the sheet that covers my body and covers me herself. At first I don't know what to think. How did I wind up being the third corner of this love triangle? She quickly removed my shirt, and resumed to kissing me; this time more passionately. Her hand running through my hair as her other hand made it's way down my stomach. As she placed her hand on my belt, I quickly grabbed her by the wrist and said, "What are you doing?" She simply replied, "Shut up Mark." She continued to kiss me and running her hands through my hair, this time more furiously as she lays me back down.
I wake the next morning with Joanne, not asleep but very still with her head buried deep into my chest as we hug one another. I am eased as the sight of her rich brown and my pale skin, and the way they seem to mix into one. I have no idea of what to think about what I did last night. Everything that did go wrong with me and Maureen, is now happening for her and Joanne and I was now the cause of it. She turns her head towards me and smiles softly. She slowly sits up on the other end of the couch as I do the same.
"Do you want to take a shower first," she asks. "Umm, sure," I say in an attempt to leave her apartment as quickly as possible; despite the tenacious storm continuing outside.
I walk out of her building, not knowing what to think of myself as I get into the bus and head home. How can I resent Maureen after what I just did? How can Joanne confront this? How can I? I remember Joanne and Mimi sobbing at Angel's burial, not about her death, but about what they wish they had. I wish I had what she did too. I really thought I found my love in Maureen, but she was never a real. She's plastic. An illusion of someone I'm not sure ever existed to begin with. God, how can I be so stupid to think the sexy exotic girl would actually be interested in me. Not to mention be with me. God I hope this isn't one of these things where the answer is under my nose.
I reach my building, with the rain as strong as ever. I'm on the third floor, I think I see Maureen enter Mimi's loft. Even if she did, I'm not ready to confront her about what I just occurred. I walk back to our loft where I find Collins and Roger sitting down, enjoying one another's company.
"Damn man where you been? I would say you got some but knowing you, you probably feel asleep at the library," Collins says as he and Roger laugh. I smirk awkwardly at the irony of his statement. "Come in, Collins' got good news," said Roger. "News, what news," I ask. "Well, one of my former students' mother is the dean of admissions at Manhattan college. I spoke with her the other day and she offered me an internship with the head of the philosophy department," he said ecstatically.
"That's great, I'm really happy for you Collins," I said. "Yeah, no matter how many times he gets kicked out of school, he keeps on coming," Roger said jokingly. "Apparently so man. Listen, I'm gonna go lie down for a little while," I said while I rush my way into my room.
I drop my bag at the foot of my bed and lay down. Who was I fooling, I couldn't get to sleep, my conscious screaming at me all the time. Oh God, what did I do?
August 2nd 1991. I open my eyes, everything is fuzzy with out my glasses. I get up from my bed and make my way to my dresser, feeling around for my glasses until I finally find them. I put on my glasses and turn towards my bed where I see a body covered in the sheets.
"What the hell," I think to myself. I walk over and remove the covers and find an aggravated Maureen. "Leave me alone Mark, its too early," she says as she covers herself with the sheets again.
I make my way to the living room, noticing no one was there I walk to Roger's door. It seemed almost unintentional the way my face was frozen when I knock, "Umm, Roger?" He opens the door, with bed sheets wrapped around his body. "What is it Mark," he whispers. "Why is Maureen in my room," I ask. "Umm, Maureen's in your bed," He said, oblivious of the situation. "I don't normally ask questions for fun," I said in anxiety. "Umm, I don't know Mark. I'm busy I'll guess later," he says as he tries to close the door before I see someone in his bed. Was that Mimi?
I walk back to the living room where I sit on the sofa facing the door as it opens. Collin's walked through with milk and a box of Cap n' Crunch in hand. "Morning," he says when he walks into the loft. "Collins, do you know why Maureen's in my bed," I ask without hesitation. "You don't remember," he asks.
"Remember what," I ask in fear that I had committed another mistake. "She came home last night and didn't have anywhere to go. You had the only free bed," He says to me. "What do you mean she had no where to go," I ask. Collins looks at me as though I were inept, as he makes his way to the kitchen. "You're serious? You don't remember her and Joanne fighting here yesterday," he asks me as I continue to stare in disbelief. I stand up from the couch and walk towards him as he sits at the kitchen table.
In order to clarify my mind, I ask, "What did they fight about?" "Damn man, its easier to ask what they didn't fight about," he said as he starts eating his breakfast. "Toilet seat up or down kind of an argument. You don't remember, you walked out here when they woke you up with their fighting," he asks. "No, I don't. And, umm, who's in Roger's room," I ask him. "Mimi," he answers. "And you two…" "We're ok. We're all friends, I couldn't be pissed at her forever. You want some cereal," he said gesturing the bowl towards me. "No, I feel a bit nauseous," I said as I think of why I can't remember yesterday. "You ok. You look like the kid in 'Old Yeller' or whatever that movie's called. You now, right before he's got to shoot the dog." he says with concern.
Feeling as though I would definitely explode if I didn't say anything, I turn to him and ask, "Can you keep a secret?" "By you saying that alone, makes me think I don't want to know. But, then again you and Roger are they only family I got, or that'll be my family anyway. I'm not about to betray you," he says with the biggest smile on his face. "I slept with Joanne." He slowly lowers his bowl, looks at me and says, "You're joking right? Tell me you're joking."
He looks into my eyes, and I don't need to answer. Just then, Maureen walks out of my room, wearing my clothes and walks into the bathroom. "I'm not even going to ask why she's wearing my clothes," I said. "Go get dressed, we need to talk," he says with an authoritative tone.
Collins and I approach an empty park bench where we both sit down. "Okay, now tell me what happened exactly," he says to me. "The other day when you left the café, I took Joanne home and I went upstairs. The, umm… power went out and I stayed the night. …And after that it just happened." After I'm finished speaking,, he just leaned back and stares at the grass in disbelief.
"You're not going to say anything are you," I ask him in anxiety. "If you don't say anything Mark, I can't say anything. Even if you should. What I don't get Mark, is the fact that you're in love with this girl…" I quickly interrupt him in order to keep my "good name" from being sullied, I say, "I don't love her."
"A blind man would have told you to ask her out already," he says with pure confidence. "I don't see why you would keep something like this from the person you love so much. It would hurt her to hear it, but it would hurt more to hear it from Joanne. But, Marky you're a big boy now. I'm not stopping anyone from picking on you anymore," he said.
September 23rd 1991. Maureen has been living with us for almost two months now, and I'm running out of excuses to get out of the house. Roger and Mimi are passionately in love again. Joanne came by last week when Maureen went to Long Island to visit her mother, I'm somewhat relieved that she acted like nothing happened. Collins is back at school, his final year as a graduate student with an internship. I hope everything goes well for him, he's the only one with any success in this family. I walk by our loft and make my way to the roof. As I get outside, I realized fall was here, with it's brisk cool air. I look around and find Maureen sitting near the edge looking at the street. She looks back at me as she hears the door close.
"Come over here," she says to me as I feel compelled to go to her. I pull up a chair and sat down. "Why have you been avoiding me lately Mark," she asks. "I haven't," I said in my own defense. "When are you going to realize that you not a mystery to me? That you can't hide from me. Why won't you just tell me? Is it something bad? Is that why you wont say it," she asks me. "It's nothing," I said
"Then why wont you say it," she asks as she turned to me. "Come one, please. I'll be your best friend," she says in a joking manner. "I don't know if I should tell you," I said. "Okay, don't tell me. Just sit with me for a little bit longer. I love this time of year," she said with a child like charm.
"I wonder why," I said arrogantly. "Well it is the same exact day I meet this cute little four-eyed Jewish boy taking pictures with his camera," she says evocatively. "What'd you think of him," I asked her in a playful manner.
"Meh, not much. But he was sweet, like no one else I have ever met. And I guess he was kind of cute. Well, then gain. this really hot chick gave hum a bitchin' scarf," she says with a smile on her face. "Why does everyone pick on my poor scarf," I say in a almost whiney tone. "Because, I gave you that like twelve years ago, and you still wear it today. And I wonder why you still wear it." "Like you said, it's bitchin'," I said.
We both walk back into our loft. She heads for the bedroom as I sit next to a studious Collins, with his head buried in a book. He dropped his pen, and looked at me.
"Did you tell her yet," he asks me. "No, I don't know what to do Collins," I said. "Are you asking me for my help," he asks me. "Why, are you giving it," I ask desperately. "I'm here to help Mark," he reassured me. "What do you think I should do," I asks.
Collins quickly says, "I've got it! Maureen!!" Maureen comes into the living room as he shouted her name. She stood behind him as he looked at me. "What is it," she says. "Mark has something to say to you," he says without hesitation. I stare at those huge green eyes of hers, and freeze again. "Maureen, Mark wants me to help him tell you something, you might want to sit down," Collins said as Maureen sat beside him. "Mark slept with Joanne," he says as he stood from the couch and heads out the door.
I look at Maureen with my eyes wide open in disbelief of what Collins just said. Maureen simply grips her mouth as she looks at me. With her hand still covering her mouth, she says, "How could you? How could you do this to me Mark!?" tears slowly come to her beautiful jade colored eyes, as I try to speak, "Maureen, I…"
She gestures her hands towards my mouth, as she screams, "Don't say anything Mark. I come back here, I try to fix what went wrong, and you pull this kind of shit?!"
I am undoubtedly caught off guard, when she confronts me. I am upset at what I had done, but I was also confused by her reaction. She did this to me a total of seven times, and I forgave her every time.
"I've trusted you Mark, I always trust you. Why? Why would you do this," She asks. "I don't know," I answer. She begin crying more and more hysterically. "You don't know? You don't know? You don't fucking know you bastard!? Did you do this shit to get back at me!? Answer me," she screams as the anger and sorrow grew within her. "Maureen I…" Before I could finish, she walks into my room, and slams the door as she sobbed hysterically.
Collins walks back into the loft. "See, now things are better than if you would have waited longer," he says as he sits back down with his books, as I yell, "Better off? She's hysterical Collins!" "How were you when you found out about her and Ricky? Same principle, different scenario. Got talk to her," he said.
I walk into my bed room where I find a Maureen sobbing hysterically on the floor. She sees me, and slowly sat up. "You here to tell me you screwed my dad too?" "I don't have enough tears for what I did to you, and if I sob now, it wont be for anything."
At one thirty the next morning, I sit on the fire escape. I can't sleep, how can I? Maureen then climbs outside and sits next to me. "Oh, I'll just be…" "No, Mark. Sit down, we're going to finish this," She says as she forced me back to sitting on the windowsill and closes the window. You live through what I just did how many times?" "More than once," I say, modestly as to not cross any boundaries. "That was rhetorical. What I'm trying to get at, is the fact that I'm only now seeing what I did wrong because it's happening to me. And, right now for the first time since I've known you, I hate you. I really hate you Mark," she says, as she climbs back inside and I followed.
She grabs a bag and headed for the door. I ask her "Where are you going," I asked. "I'm going to stay with Mimi for a while, I can't stay here. Simply because I…" she walks out the door as I closed it behind her. I made my way to the bathroom. I looked into the dirty mirror. I'm a monster. No matter how many times she did it to me, it's not an excuse. What I did was horrible, I'm the only one to blame.
October 30th 1991. Roger and Mimi walk out of his room. Roger turns to me, "Wish me good luck." "I do, I hope everything goes well with you and her parents," I said. "Keep you fingers crossed," he said as he walks out the door and she waves. I am all alone as a knock came from the window. It was Maureen. I walk over and let her in. "It is freezing out there," I said to her, as I asked, "What's wrong?"
"I need to tell you something now," she exclaims. I simply ask, "what." "Come here," she said as she makes her way to my bedroom. So, I followed.
I walk in as Maureen gestured towards the bed, so I went and sit on it. I stared up at her, as she said, "I was changing Mark. I really was. At the wedding, I was really trying to be happy. I mean, I was going to start a new life… with the woman I loved," she says with a quickly fading smile. As she speaks, it begins to drizzle outside of my window. "I changed, I was different. Or, at least I starting to become different. And, now that I think of what I did to you, I'm sorry. But, I'm glad that you did what you did," she says as a confused look came about me.
"It makes things a bit easier on me when I go back to Joanne," she said. I was taken aback at what she said, so I inquired, "You're going back to Joanne?"
"She came by yesterday to Mimi's and we cleared things up. She forgave me and I forgave her, so we're getting back together," she says. "Good, I'm happy for you," I said without a hint of sincerity, as the rain outside my window began to accumulate into a thunder storm. It doesn't normally rain this hard nearing the end of fall. I stood up and looked at her.
"I'm glad you worked everything out Maureen," I said. Now at this moment I don't know what to make of reality. "I didn't," she says as the tears in her eyes overflowed. "When you saw me before the service, I wasn't lying when I said what I did," she said as is ay from me.
"What did you say," I ask awkwardly. The rain became stronger, as my room became flooded with darkness that came in from outside. "I have to go," says said as turned from me and headed for the door. I quickly jolted forward, and grabbed her by the arm. My eyes, to water when I asked, "What did Joanne and you separate over?"
"I have to go," she says with overwhelming sadness. "What was it," I ask. " I have to go Mark!" I was growing angry when I said, "I told you what I did Maureen, you at least owe me that much!" She then screamed, "I told her that I still loved you!" She then wrapped her arms around me and kissed me passionately as thunder struck. The two of us trapped within each other's passion. "I love you so much baby," she says passionately. They both of us locked in, we quietly wept as she said, "I always loved you baby." We stumbled backwards onto the bed, until she realized where we were.
Her kiss slowly faded as she steps away from me. "I have to go Mark," she says as she put the hood of her sweater on and walks out the door. She turns back to me and said, "Don't hate me baby. This is just something I need to do. I can't go back and fix what I did wrong, even though I want to. But, now I have to say goodbye love goodbye."
She left the loft that night and hasn't come back since.
December 24th 1991. It's Christmas time and I'm alone again. Roger and Mimi went to Brooklyn to spend the holiday with Mimi's family. It looks like he's the lucky one now. Collins went to get our Christmas Feast. Maureen calls at least once a week. Most likely to make sure I haven't killed myself. Joanne packed them up and moved to Pittsburgh. Its better that way I guess. "Ho ho ho bitch," Collins says when he walked into the loft. I simply glance at him and back out the window. "Come on man! Lighten up," he said. I asked, "Lighten up about what?"
"Listen man, there's only two ways you can go about things, accept them or dwell on them. How is dwelling on the situation going," he says sarcastically. The phone began to ring. Collins and I stared at the answering machine waiting for it to answer for us. "Speak," said the machine as Maureen began to say, "Hey baby! I'm just calling to check up on you. I'm probably going to come home for Christmas. Drop in on you and Collins. Are you home? Come on, I know you're there. Please, just call me. I want to talk to you baby." "Looks like she still thinks about you," Collins said as he pulled a bottle of Stoli. "Come here and get drunk with me," he said as I walked over to him.
THE END