It started on the patio. I gazed out into the sparkling rigid Atlantic Ocean, the sun reflecting off the waves. The sea was a place to get lost into. As a child, I wondered where it began and where it would end.
Like my life, I knew where it ended but where it began I couldn't say. My thoughts could wander around and get lost as I watched the water come in and recede out. I glanced over to my right, where my best friend Brad stood.
Brad could stare out into the world forever. His thoughts and imagination always carried him beyond the horizon. He was deep in thought, troubled by our conversation early on.
As kids we would come here for the boardwalk fun. The Ski-ball, Go Carts, Racing Car game, a basketball game on the courts, Air Hockey game, play Paint Ball for hours and eat pizza until they closed.
When we became official teenagers, we could take the bus ourselves. We would come down and just sit on the pier and talk for hours.
We grew up in two different neighborhoods. Brad was from Hyde Park, a low income area, where kids were bused to other schools to help with their performance skills in reading, math or science.
Brad was ten going on eleven when I first met him in my sixth grade math class. His deep caramel eyes and pale face stood out immediately. He had on black jeans and a baby blue polo shirt. His sneakers were white with black outline, and were of no name brand.
The class was broken up into small groups to work on a math problem. Brad was placed in the empty seat next to me. He was quiet and shy. He seemed to study each of us while also glancing around the classroom as if he was searching for someone.
Math was my weakness and as a group, we were to solve a big world problem. With Brad, there were four of us in the group. I kept writing down numbers on my sheet to calculate the problem and then erasing them. My pencil was at the point where the eraser was hanging on by a thin limb.
Brianna, the green eyed, dirty brown hair pigtail girl sitting across from me kept asking "Do you have the answer yet?" "No!" I said getting more frustrated with the entire situation.
Brad had looked over the worksheet and started to call the problem out loud. He then grabbed a piece of blank paper and started scribbling the problem out. And with no delay, Brad sat back and cited the answer out. "173"
"Is that the answer?" Brianna questioned.
Brad nodded as he looked at me.
I was impressed and if anything intrigued. If we were to ever be grouped again, I would be with him.
We became friends fast. Brad didn't have many friends so my friends became his.
It seemed as though Brad and I were inseparable. Sleep overs, carnivals, weekends at the beach, summer camps, birthday parties, we had endless adventures.
By the time our junior year had arrived, Brad had grown up to be someone I admired. Brad by now was into dance and was on a squad that competed at state and national levels. I usually would sit on the bleachers in the gymnasium and watch them practice after school.
Brad's personality grew as he did, the kid who stood behind everyone else was now the outgoing, and wanting to be first and always knew how to get his way at what he wanted. He was taller and his complexion was more medium now.
I was his other half, a magnetic. If Brad would say "yes" I was the one to say "no" Brad's charm wasn't his strength with me. I knew his weakness and I knew what made him strong.
And maybe this is where it would change. Where I realized Brad and I were more separate than close.
Brad's attention was somewhere else by now. The sun was touching the deep blue sea. With each wave below me, a breeze would come up and hit me. The tide was coming in.
I wanted to say something. I tried to shift words around in my mind, trying to place them in some order; So that, I wouldn't fall or break with each word.
Looking back now if I had to admit to it, yes I saw things. Things I would push to the side or a phrase that never faze me until now. Nothing seemed different; words seemed like ordinary words, why would they be different now.
"I'll call you tonight ok? Love you" Brad said to me as he walked down from the bleachers. "Right back at you" I said as he jumped the last row.
My attention was something Brad had to have. If I wasn't giving or paying attention to him, I'd hear about it. I sometimes wonder if it worked both ways.
"Where's your shadow going?" My cousin Mike said as he walked up to me and sat down.
Mike and I were a year apart. We were more alike than different. Expect his parents were around and mine… they took off the second I taught myself to fry an egg. I suppose they wanted the feeling of having a child but also wanted the feeling to leave at any time. They send money every so often and birthday cards when they remember.
"The kid has a hot date" Mike said with a grin. He knew something as Brad confided in him a lot more than me. Especially at times, when Brad knew I wouldn't approve of something.
"Why do you say things like that, if you're not going to say the rest of it?"
"Are you the least curious where he goes?"
"If he's home by eleven, no I could care less."
Mike and I had our own apartment. My aunt and uncle helped us get it. My parents send them money for the rent. My parents seem to never be late with that payment. Brad moved in a couple months later, it was like having a brother around all the time. We shared a room together along with clothes and things seemed good, but now Brad was keeping things from me. He was learning to be protective of himself and his thoughts.
I'm sorry… I was afraid… I never expected this to happen… Words I kept contemplating on saying to him at this moment.
The sun by now trying to play Peek a Boo with both of us.
Would everything be gone when the sun goes down? I don't know which one of us was more afraid of the other.
And with the sun peeking with his last bit of light, Brad spoke softly
"Do you remember that night?"
I glanced over at him; his eye's looking at me, with the sun making his face light up and glow. He was innocent; I wanted to hug him and let him know I cared, that I understood him and that I remembered that night…
I had been drinking with Mike and our friend Jordan. I was tired so I called it a night and gone up stairs to bed. I walked in and realized for the first time that night that Brad wasn't there. It never fazed me when he wasn't around but tonight was different. I felt alone, as if I was the only person sitting in a dark room, scared that no one would found me.
Why would I feel like this? Any other night, I would already be on the bed fast asleep.
It seemed like a dream, I opened my eyes to see Brad lying next to me. His eyes were closed and seemed to be sleeping softly. I felt safe, secure, comfort and peace. I had slowly moved my hand and Brad opened his eyes quickly, as if he was cautious of me leaving. I wasn't ready to wake up or move from this feeling.
His eyes barely awake, try to stay open to watch me. I smiled at him. He was never a morning person and valued sleep, like rich people with their diamonds.
I closed my eyes, hoping maybe he would do the same. A soft breeze came close to me touching me, like a small feather just passing by. A touch that made me gradually open my bottom lip and relax my top one onto the soft craving of his lips. A gentle kiss that took a second, felt like eternity to me.
When his lips pulled away, I felt like I looked-for him to be close again. My entire body felt a sense of warmth, an allusion of passion. A kiss I never expected but anticipated for another one. I blinked my eyes and saw him looking into me. His smile was pure, like the time he threw the baseball at me and didn't mean it, but inside he did, because he was mad at me. I chose not to do summer camp with him one summer.
That summer we were both fourteen. I chose to stay home that summer. I wasn't ready for another summer of schedule events, camp food, boring ghost stories and arts and crafts were for seven year olds. We were to start high school in the fall. I wanted a summer of just pure freedom and fun.
Brad felt obligated to go. His best friend Chris was going. Brad met Chris through my friend Jordan.
If I thought Brad and I were close, Chris and Brad were closer. They had dance in common, shared the same music and had the same personality. They shared more in common, which were our differences. I don't know how Brad and I were even friends?
I blinked again to see that smile looking at me. "Hey" I said quietly and a bit groggy.
"You're cute when you're tired" he said starring into my eyes.
What was he thinking? I must be dreaming. I closed my eyes and whispered "Good Night"
"Night jay, love you" he said as he rested his head against mine.
When Brad was younger and we first met, he was very attached to me. He would beg to spend the night or on some nights I would wake up with him lying next to me, scared and upset. He never spoke about it and I never questioned it. He was safe with me and I promised him I would always be there.
Lying there next to him, made me think of that promise, I wish we talked more. I wish I had known what scared him so much. I put my arm around him and told him I loved him.
"Yes, I remember" I said looking back at him
"How come you never asked or questioned?"
"Was I supposed to?"
Brad looked back out into the sea. He didn't have to say it; he was disappointed at my response. I was disappointed at my response and yet at that moment, the sun disappeared. My thoughts, my frustration, my concerns…. My heart, it was ready to let itself out.
"Why wouldn't you tell me? Why Mike? Why did you have Mike tell me? We were friends I thought. Why me? Why bring me into this? Who am I to you?" My voice was breaking with each question, my eyes blinking as I try not to lose his reaction. My heart on the other hand felt like it was drifting away with each minute of silence. Brad never moved once, nor blinked at one word. I knew I hit a nerve with him, he was silent, I said something that affected him greatly. I would retrace my words by putting them in order once again. I knew Brad, better than anyone. Why couldn't I get through to him? Why was he so quiet?
"Would you ever consider me as someone you would be with?" Brad asked shyly, as I sat on the counter in the kitchen eating a yogurt.
"No" I said firmly
"Why not?"
"You're not my type." I said smiling at him.
Brad grabbed his pizza and sat down at the table in front of me. He was quiet and hadn't looked up once. I jumped off the counter and walked over to him and pulled up a chair next to him.
"So my best friend must be in love." I said leaning my head on my arm looking up at him. "You gonna tell me who it is?" I could tell he was getting annoyed with me. "Come on kid talk to me. I'll be serious… I promise." I said still smiling at him. Brad looked over at me smiling. Finally I said something he approved of.
Brad had blinked but still keeping quiet. He then turned away and started to walk back to the patio door. I watched him as he opened the door and closed it behind him.
I took a deep breathe. I felt so empty. My best friend who I treasured like someone with a good collection of marbles, I always kept him beside me. I hated when he wasn't around. He was the most important person I knew... And here we were, we could barely say a word to each other. By Now, the horizon was meeting darkness. Brad had opened the door of the patio. I turned around slowly to look at him.
"Which question do I have to answer?" he said in a soft voice.
Brad leaned forward slowly as his lips would touch mine. I felt how soft each kiss was as I fell closer to him, taking in each breathe as it was my last one. His hand was soft and warm as he held my cheek. He embraced each kiss slowly and thoughtfully. Making sure my reaction with each touch was acceptable. He lifted his head and looked at me, his hand still resting against my cheek. "I love you." He said with strong words. His fingers glided around the left side of my face. I was content, awake, warm, safe comfortable as I rested my head against his arm. My heart was racing. Was I falling in love? I couldn't stop looking at him, he had my attention.
Brad was perfect. His skin tone was a slight tan. He was slender for someone who could eat a whole pizza. He had a dimple on the left side that showed when he was shy or nervous. I could see it now. He said I love you all the time, when he would leave for the night or when he would jokingly want something. But tonight, it was different. He said it looking at me. I was speechless and scared. The shock of the kiss was still present. The feeling of another one rising vastlycame cross my mind. The temptation I was afraid of, I grasped it. I took a hold of his hand and leaned up as he put his arm around me to hold me. I leaned forward and in one breathe my lips were against his. With more and more impulse each kiss I kept holding onto him. "Brad" I said as I try to catch my breath. I had rolled over and was looking down at him. I put my hand against his cheek as he did mine and just ran my hand around it. He put his arms around my neck and pulled me in closer to him as he kissed me. He took charge and laid me back down. My hands now on his back sliding down past his shirt and falling underneath of it, I pushed him closer to me, I spread my hands apart and massaged him as my hands worked their way around the unmarked territory.
"One of them would be great" I said leaning against the deck.
"What do you me, why you?" Brad asked stepping outside the door.
"Exactly what it means, Why me, Why make me fall for you?
Brad looked at me, as if he heard something he was waiting to hear or was surprised to hear, and with no warming my heart spilled out.
"Yes Brad, I fell in love with you as fast as it happened. I was afraid that night…. But I love you. I fell in love with you." I turned away.
I was not myself. I was angry, frustrated, ashamed and hurt. I don't think Brad expected me to say anything. He had everything. He went from a kid with no dreams, no money, no friends, to a life style of name brands, endless support of friends, and a best friend who cared a lot. And to my surprise he was in love.
"I wanna spend all day right here with you" I said kissing him. We were resting in each other's arms as we looked at one another. We were both tired and yet it was something new. With every kiss it made a new imprint on me. I felt more secure with him.
"OK" he said kissing me again.
"I could get use to this" I said smiling.
"I already have" he said leaning his head against me.
I had one question that paced back and forth in the back of my head. But it refused to come forward and out of my mouth.
"I love you so much Jay" Brad said falling asleep on me.
I was leaning my head forward on the ledge of the patio looking down. It was quiet; all I could hear were the waves crashing along the shore. Brad hadn't moved. I could see his white Nike Air high tops with black trim that he had to have and I got him for Christmas.
Inside I contemplated was I hurt or ashamed the most. I lost who I was. When? Why? Were questions I asked myself who I was? When did I become this person? I didn't feel a change in myself. What triggered it? I glanced up at the horizon, it was now dark.
On the outside I was mad and at the same time I wanted to comfort him but anger consumed the majority of me.
I turned around and looked at him. He stood their straight, innocent, starring outwards; he had his hands in his white hoodie with a black Nike sign on the front of it. He loved clothes and they loved him. He looked good in any color. He was 5'7 and 140lbs. I smiled at him as I had to admit at the moment he looked really good standing there. But I knew I had to wake up and see reality. Which was, Brad was my best friend and how or when it progressed to love I didn't know, or I never wanted to admit to it?
"We should end this here" I said looking back at him "When did our friendship cross the line? When did falling for your best friend be okay? Where's that line at?" I starred right into him.
Brad always had a way of making things okay. Smoothing out problems and making big complications seem like kids play. He also had a smile that could melt an entire country of ice. But this time, I think he understood the distance all this was causing. He looked away, as I started to think of taking everything back that I had said. I knew he was hurting, he couldn't hide his feelings. He had a sensitive side to him. Sometimes in moments like this, you forget that thou.
"OK" he said softly. He took a deep breath as to make sure he wouldn't show any tears. "I'm exhausted, I'm gonna call it a night." He turned and walked back to the patio door.
I watched him close the door and disappear into the dark house.
What had I done? There was never a moment where I wasn't there for him. And now, I looked out into darkness.
"Brad, why don't you take the test for all of us?" Andy Winters said in our freshmen Algebra class. Brad sat up front; I sat two rows behind him. Andy sat across from me. The class was cheering Andy on with his remarks about Brad. Brad was gifted when it came to numbers, but never wanted or liked the attention that attached itself to it.
"Leave him alone Andy" I said getting annoyed with him.
"What's this, you have a personal body guard now? Oh I'm so afraid!"
Brad had looked back at the both of us. I grabbed Andy's book of homework and started shredding it up in pieces. He immediately jumped up and tried to savage what was left of the book.
"I'm going to beat the shit out of you Silver" He said as his face turned red "You're dead!"
His vocabulary was small, must have been from that off brand oatmeal, he would eat every day in the school cafeteria. He started to pull on my jacket and punch me, so I got up and started hitting him back and pushing him up against the wall. I could hear the class chanting and as we pushed each other back and forth, you could tell we were in a circle of our own peers. Before I could get one more punch in after he hit my shoulder, the teacher came in between us and grabbed each of us by one arm firmly.
"At least the kid knows his numbers; you're still counting on your fingers." I said trying to get that revenge on that punch still. The class had laughed as Andy tried to gain control but couldn't.
The teacher announced loudly for everyone to get in their seats. I had seen Brad, he was still sitting down. He wasn't looking this way at all. I'm sure this incident didn't help him feel any more comfortable. The teacher told Andy and I to go wait in the hallway for him, as he gave us each a push towards the door.
This wasn't the first time Mr. Hall sent me out of the classroom; I was probably his only student who didn't care about his class. Andy and I both walked out into the hallway, standing on opposite sides of it. Andy took out his phone and started playing on it. He was another student who came from the same neighborhood Brad did. Brad was here for four months before Andy arrived. The story that Brad gave me was that they were childhood friends; best friends. But they went separate ways in middle school. I sometimes wonder if it was Brad who ended the friendship. The more time I spent in the hallway with Andy, the more I started to think it.
"Why do you always have to stick up for him/" Andy asked looking up at me.
"I don't know, because he is my friend." I answered without hesitation.
Maybe this was a chance to get my suspicion out of the way.
"You can't be around him twenty-four seven."
"I can be"
What the hell was I doing? I wanna see why they are not friends, not push him away.
"So how come you hate him so much?" I asked taking a chance he would say something.
"He backstabs his friends" Andy said strongly.
Andy definitely had my undivided attention at that point. I stood against the wall with my hands in my hoodie, Andy watched me closely.
"He has done it to you too hasn't he?" Andy asked
I was silent. The answer was yes, but was I going to admit that to him.
At that moment, Mr. Hall came out and stood in between us. Mr. Hall looked at Andy and held out his hand for the phone, Andy gave it to him. There was a no cell phone policy admitted nowhere on school grounds. I even took that policy seriously. If you got caught, there were no second chances or giving you the phone back at the end of the day. Andy had just lost his phone for good.
"You both have extra homework tonight; I expect it to be done. Is that understood?" Mr. Hall glanced at each of us. "Go take your test Andy."
As Andy passed me going back into the classroom I answered "Yes" as I glanced downwards.
"What are we going to do with you Mr. Silver?"
"I wasn't in the mood to be analyzed; Andy had already started that process for him.
"I know your smart Jay; both your English and History teachers say you have high marks in their classes. I know you understand the work, so what is it? Are you bored? Do you want a new class?"
I thought to myself, I wasn't bored and I didn't need a new class. I just had more problems outside of school than in school.
I looked at my phone it was 10:45. The cool air was making me sleepy. It was early though, at home we'd still be playing a game or outside at Mike's house playing pool. A drink also sounded good right about now. Brad knew I had my faults, like drinking and taking pills. I made sure Brad was never around to see me do either one. It was easy to protect him, but not myself.
The sound of an open ocean, the freedom it has to wash ashore and push back. When it's angry it can crash through anything, swallow anything in its path, make materials disappear, the secrets an ocean can keep deep down below, no one could question the sea. The barriers are endless. It can be dark or it can be clear as bath water. The ocean never talks back but whispers in the night.
My mind goes back to Brad, and how he quickly agreed to end our friendship. He said "Ok" as fast as he said "hello" on the first day. Did I make his life a little bit easier now? Was Andy right? Did Brad use me to an extent to get whatever he wanted? Was it that easy for him, to walk away from seven years?
I got attached. One thing Mike swore to me to never do, and it was too late by the time he had said that.
"I'm telling you kid, you don't need to get yourself between them. If he cared about you as much as he says he does, he wouldn't be where he is right now." Mike said drinking a mixed drink. "What I tell you Jay, don't get yourself close to him, you're just setting yourself up for failure. I mean I can kick Stephens's ass for you, if you want."
"No" I said lying at the other end of the couch. I was really buzzed and feeling it really good.
I loved the feeling of being motionless. Sometimes I wanted to float away, disappear into the morning fog. I didn't think when I was high. Mike said I was care free. I was more myself in this state. I seemed to talk more, dance around, joke and my shyness seem to step a mile back. My feelings came out more; my love for Brad was shown more. When Brad was around me, while I was high, I was very close to him, I wasn't afraid to kiss him or flirt around with him. I always wanted Brad around me. I got real comfortable with him; I got into the habit where I wouldn't sleep until he was next to me.
I gave up on the dark moonlight ocean. I felt overwhelmed I sat in the chair, still gazing out into the world. Do I apologize? Do I forgive him? Do I forgive myself? What was he thinking? I got up and walked inside.
It was quiet. I looked around the kitchen. Mike and I grew up here in the summer months, Brad hadn't been up here as many times as I would of hoped, but I realized I was different here.
State finals were around the corner, Mike, Jordan, Chris, Brianna, Lynn, and Brad were practicing for a routine. I was sitting on the deck with a camcorder. I would tape them and they would go back and watch to see if they had made any mistakes that needed to be fixed. I was watching Brad; he was a dancer heart and soul. He ate, drank and slept dance. I studied him when I could. The way he jumped midair and came back down with both feet spread apart, to do a half turn to the left and then back to the right. When they had finished, I turned the recorder off and went down to them. Everyone was playing around. We would rush the waves and then run back. We had done that several times like a race, before Brianna ran into me from the back and pushed me down. I hit the sand hands first and rolled over.
"Sorry Jay" she said reaching her hand out to me.
Before I could grab her hand, Brad fell between us and landed on top of me. Brianna laughed as she ran back to the waves. Brad had looked over at me. His eyes searched for mine. He rested his arms, one on each side of my head. The sun was hot and I could feel the sun through him. It's like the feeling when you are lying on the beach and you could take a nap. That's how I felt. He smiled at me. I could smell the sun tan lotion on him. Brad hated sun burns and bee bites. He leaned down and gave me a quick kiss and then jumped up and pulled me up with him. I must have been weightless because it happened so fast.
He raced into the water with me still attached to his hands. The water was cold at first touch, as we fought past each wave that crashed through us. When the water got to our chest, Brad had stopped suddenly, which yanked me back tohim. I turned to him. Brad wasn't fond of water, since he had known someone who had drowned from it. I was really surprised he had come this far out. I slowly walked over to him, still holding his hand. He glanced back at everyone on shore. When he turned back to look at me, the waves were hitting him in his chin as he tried to keep up with them by jumping them. I could tell he was getting tired of doing that and wasn't comfortable being out this far. I glanced back at the open sea and looked back at Brad. I placed my right hand on his left cheek and asked "Do you trust me" He blinked with a nod. "If you wanna go back we can" I said trying to comfort him. I slowly took my hand away and Brad grabs it and started to use both of my hands to help him stay afloat. Brad always had the childish side in him, and so now he was smiling and using me to help jump the waves and keep his feet off the sand.
"I love you jay" he said splashing me
"I know you do" splashing him back.
It was different today. Ever since the kiss, his smile, his touch, it made me feel like seeing someone for the first time that you loved, a crush in the fifth grade. He let my hands go quickly and grabbed me around my neck to hold onto me and pulled me closer to him. He starred at me for the longest time.
"What's wrong?" I asked
His feet fell to the floor and he was holding onto me real tight. His face was serious and my heart was beating faster. I wrapped my arms around him and felt myself pulling closer to him that we were embracing each other. My lips were sliding in between his. The waves were pushing us back and forth as I tried to gain control of what was to happen next. I took one breath and looked at him.
"We better get back" I said
I had walked into the living room and sat down on the reclining couch and laid back. I was consumed with so many feelings at the moment that I just closed my eyes and fell asleep.
I could hear the sound of SpongeBob Square Pants coming from the TV. I was still half asleep and just turned my head the other way. Brad was sitting next to me; I could feel him leaning against me. He was eating a bowl of cereal; I could hear the spoon hit the bowl. The only time Brad ate cereal was when he was mad or frustrated and he called it comfort food. And though I did not eat cereal at all, the smell of the cinnamon was waking me up more. I stretched carefully and turned my head and laid it against him. Could we just forget last night and just stay here at the moment? I held my hand out and he slapped it. I smiled.
"Try again" I said quietly
He handed me his bowl which was still half full. I took a spoonful and handed it back to him. I lay back against him. I could see why he called it comfort food. It had more sugar in it than anything. Sorta gave you the burst of energy you needed to forget everything else.
"What time is it?" I asked
"9:47"
"Can I go back to sleep?"
"If you want, thought we'd get an early start back"
"Right" I said softly falling back to sleep against him.
He was mad and I hated it, because it was my fault. Brad got up, which resulted in me having to wake up. He walked into the kitchen; I sat up starring at the TV. Why was Patrick standing on the roof and SpongeBob caught up in a tornado? Why couldn't life be that easy? Where at the end, Patrick falls down and SpongeBob lives through another day. Brad had came back in and sat down across from me.
"I'll be ready in twenty" I said as I got up.
He didn't say anything or look at me. Something felt wrong; it felt like this was the last time I'd be standing here watching him.
It was my birthday; it had been raining all day. Brad and I had walked along the empty boardwalk. I was fifteen now, not even an inch taller at 6'1. Brad hated me being taller because I was better at Basketball than he was. We walked to the end of the pier and sat down. The wood was wet as we leaned over to look out into the ocean. Brad handed me a marble, it was Ocean Blue. I had never seen a color so beautiful.
"What's this for?" I asked looking into it.
"You're my best friend, I'm sorry I couldn't get you something more… expensive."
I looked over at him.
"Brad this is fine what we're doing, just sitting here. I didn't ask for anything."
"Michael got you that game you wanted."
"You're getting upset over a game?"
"No" he said quietly.
"Isn't this your lucky marble?"
"I don't need it, when I have you."
"You're positive?"
"Yeah, I'm positive"
I was standing upstairs in the room, looking around. I walked over to the bookshelf where a jar was sitting on the second shelf. I reached in and pulled out that Ocean Blue marble. It rolled back and forth in my hand slowly. I wondered what luck I had with this marble, if Brad and I were not talking. I turned around and grabbed a bottle of pills that were sitting on the right side of the night stand. I grabbed the bottle of water next to them and took three pills. I had hoped they would give me the energy to wake up and drive home. I hadn't slept much last night. I thought about, why I told him I didn't want to be friends. I questioned myself over and over again. Why Brad? Of all people to have an attraction to, to like, to love, to kiss, it was Brad and that part drove me crazy. And it all came back to the same answer, I wanted it all. I wanted it to be Brad but then why couldn't I just tell him that.
I grabbed my backpack and headed down the steps. Brad hadn't hesitated; he was in the car waiting. I locked the door and when I got to the car, I threw my stuff in the back seat. I got in the car and sat back. My eyes were so tired; I kept blinking hoping the pills would kick in soon.
I looked over at Brad who had just put his headphones on and was leaning against the window. I had realized he was wearing my new black STAR hoodie that I had gotten last week. He had it pulled over his head to hide in.
This would be the last time probably him and I would be together in my car. I was hurt. I knew deep down inside, my actions caused all this. I reached in my pocket and took the marble out and glanced over at Brad. I glanced down at the marble thinking how important it was for him to give this to me. How I valued this little object more than the game Mike had given me. But when I thought about it, Brad meant more to me than this marble and if him and I were never to speak again, or hang out. I'd at least want him to have his lucky marble back. I wiped my eyes as I could feel a tear sneak out from behind my eyes. I grabbed his IPOD pouch that lay in between us and stuck the marble inside and zipped it up. I started the car up, wiping away any extra tears with my sleeve.
We were about an hour and a half into the drive; I barely could keep my eyes open. The pills hadn't kicked in yet and I started to wonder if I grabbed the wrong ones.
Brad was in and out of sleep. The drive would be easy. There was no traffic and it had been raining all night. The remembrance of the rain was still in the chilly air. I had the window cracked so that the cool air was hitting my face and keeping me awake. The road was narrow with lots of twists and I kept thinking about last night and this morning. I wasn't ready to give up on our friendship. Was I ready to let go of the love? Could I give up something that meant so much to me? Was it fair? I wanted to pull those headphones out and ask him how; he could love two people at once? Why would he put me through this? Did he not care? Was he that selfish?
I had glanced at Brad debating on those headphones and when I glanced back at the road a car was heading right towards us at a high speed. Before I could do anything, my right hand swung in front of Brad pushing up against his chest, I grabbed onto him real tight realizing he never had his seat belt on to begin with. We jumped the guard rail hitting it hard. We dropped several feet before we hit ground and started rolling. I was being pushed and bounced around with the belt around me I felt like I was being yanked from one direction to another. I had lost grip of Brad and my head was knocked up against the door. I felt something sharp hit me but I closed my eyes. When the car finally settled in a spot, it was silent. Brad hadn't moved once since the collision. I couldn't move any part of my body. I was pressed against the door. I opened my lips to gasp out the blood that was coming out.
"Brad" I whispered. "Brad, wake up"
I tried to move my head slightly towards him so I could see him. His face was pale. My arm brushed up against his. He was bleeding but I couldn't tell wear
"Bradly wake up" I cried out. He hated when I called him that. And I only did it when I needed to get his attention or when I was angry at him.
I hadn't been inside of a church every Sunday, nor could I memorize the Lord's Prayer, but I prayed
I need Brad to live; he has got so much potential. He's smart and he's a good kid. He's been the best friend I could ever imagine having. I love him. I love him so much that it hurts. No one has ever made me see myself for who I am, but him. I'm sorry for hurting him last night. I take it all back. And if we still are not friends after all this, I'm okay with that. I just need him to live. I was so tired; I shouldn't have taken the pills. Please don't let him pay for my mistakes. Please
I could hear sirens faintly in the background. I slowly dropped my hand and let it fall next to Brad. I was afraid. I never felt so much fear in me. The sirens got louder. How much longer could I hold on to? Would Brad blame me for this? Would he never speak to me again?
I heard people yelling from above. They were close. I closed my eyes. I could feel the pain getting stronger and my heart beat getting slower. I tried not to worry about so much as I knew if anyone was going to help us, it would have to be God. He would save Brad and me. And Next weekend Brad would be at Nationals once again defending their title for the third time.
I heard a voice over me; I could barely make out their words. When they were in my eye's view, a woman with short blonde hair was over me.
"We better take this one first" she said in a strong voice. I tried to shake my head "no" and so I took a deep breath and said "Brad, Take Brad, Please his name is Brad"
She looked at me with her dark green eyes. I didn't have the energy to beg. She looked over at Brad and without any argument; she said "Take this one over here. His name is Brad; Make sure that's stated on the chart. I'll sit here with this one until you get back."
I could feel when they lifted Brad away from me. It was an empty feeling inside. I couldn't speak and if I could, what could I say. I was so frightened. I thought about my parents and wondered why they never wanted to be a part of my life. Why give up a chance to have a child and get to know them. Had I always been the mistake of everyone? Was I going to die alone? What about Brad? How would I ever know if he was okay? I didn't get to apologize to him. I never told him how I felt. How much he meant to me. I was scared…
"It's only for the summer Brad, You'll have Chris anyways" I said looking over at Brad, who was putting his duffle bag in the back seat of his aunt's car.
"What if you make a new best friend?" He asked looking at me.
"Nothing could separate you and I, not even summer camp
"What about high school?"
"Nope, you'll still be my best friend."
"You mean it, nothing will ever separate us?"
"I mean it, nothing will ever separate us!"
I gasped my last breath and felt the woman's cool hand cover my eye lids closed. It was now completely dark. The woman softly mumbled "1:23pm"
I never imagined my world without you
All the pieces came together, as if it was held by glue
I couldn't forget last night's kiss
Is that something I'm allowed to miss?
I put my hand on your chest
Hoping that falling in love was not a test
My eyes couldn't leave your sight
With one blink you might disappear in the morning light
Why was it so hard to get you out of my mind?
How could I tell you, you were one of a kind?
Every minute that I'm with you, I know I'm taking a chance
And though your heart is not with me, I still feel a hope of ambiance.
If I could tell you in just three words how I feel
Would it make a difference? Could you see my deal?
I feel in love with you and those three words I need you
Something that happened so fast, my love for you was new
I guess I love you. I wish you knew it. Sometimes I believe you will found out, I'm hoping it's not too late. I'm glad you're my friend, but I'm glad you're something more.
.