Lies of the Heart
By Kitara Lira
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It's funny. My whole life was spent so focused, so dedicated. My entire life was dedicated to you. You and only you.
I hated you for hurting me, for taking all this time to make up your mind. I loved you for being who you are and never straying from that.
So when you finally said yes… I said no.
-
It was the day prior to my twenty-third birthday. Only the two of us. Walking side by side. One step; two steps. So methodical. So robotic. The silence was comforting with everything around us falling nothing shy of perfection. How the snow fluttered down from Her heavenly home; the way the frost clung to the naked trees; the abandoned snow creations along the way. Flawless.
Not a word was exchanged; those days of openness had vanished. The days of comfortable flirtation gone, swallowed whole by the one flaw; the one mistake.
I was young; stupid. Nevertheless, one cannot change the feelings of the heart. Erasing those vivid emotions is not possible; not now, not ever. So when you paused, my heart jumped. When you knelt down, your hands clasped lovingly about mine, my heart broke.
"I know that before I told you I could never possibly love you in the same manner which you love me Ruru, but I was wrong and I see that now."
Ruru, it was a nickname you had given me two summers ago while we were dashing down the shoreline. I was chasing you; the perfect mirror of my life. I was always chasing you.
"These past few years have opened my eyes; allowed me to see the truth. I love you Ruru, the way you love me. I know I've made you wait this long but I'm ready now. I'm ready to take the next step."
You offered me that trademark lopsided grin, my heart stopping dead in its tracks. The pain was too much; you were too much.
"Ruru, I love you. Would you do me the honour… of being my girlfriend?"
You were not the only one capable of building those impenetrable walls of ice around your heart. The last few years I had been moulding mine to perfection; to match my flawless mask.
After all this time, I had finally heard those words. The words I had been dying to hear.
"No."
I said it with such confidence and clarity that it startled not only you, but myself as well. Everything I had ever wanted – had worked the past several years to achieve – and I declined it without even a second thought.
Your eyes of emerald eyes hung wide, and you sputtered incoherently for several moments.
"B-b-but… Ruru… you always said…"
I had always said I would wait for you, no matter the pain, no matter the time.
"I know what I said Suki but things change."
You were heart broken; crushed. I could see it in the way you stumbled back, blindly groping for something – anything - of substance.
"… Why…"
It was all you could manage in your dishevelled state. For an instant I felt a ting of guilt; but only for an instant.
Stepping forth, I tenderly cupped your cheek in the warmth of my palm, drawing your eyes up to meet mine.
"Because I'm frozen my Suki; frozen by you. To finally hear those words, my heart it jumps for joy! But ultimately waiting… became too much. You crushed me my love; crushed me in such a way that I will never heal."
You eyes were brimming with unshed tears, and I allowed a tiny, slender smile to cross my lips.
"My sweet, sweet Suki, my heart is made of ice. It is impossible to love you with such fever and ferocity when in reality I lack the capacity."
My fingers wrapped about yours, drawing your gloved hand up to rest just above my bosom.
"It is dead Suki; dead."
The tears that you tried so hard to restrain billowed forth, and in one last comforting effort I leaned forth, kissing away the searing trail the liquid had left.
"Don't cry for the dead Suki."
I smiled warmly, caressing your cheek one last time before I walked out of your life… forever.
"The dead cannot hear."
-
Five years ago my heart failed to beat. So I taught my body to function purely on logic; sense.
Love is a useless feeling. It clouds your better judgement; impairs your overall potential.
The moment you said yes I finally realized it; I had allowed myself to die.
When I said you had my heart; I didn't think I'd be killing myself in the process.
I lied when I said I would wait forever.
I lied when I said I loved you.
I lied every moment I spent smiling.
I lied to myself the moment… I said I was alive.
-
Author Notes: It doesn't make much sense; but still I wrote down the words that just seemed to spew this piece I'm not aiming to prove anything; I'm not aiming to understand anything. Simply I wrote; these are the words that came.
I'm sure the perspective of characters are clear; I know no one wants to read an angst at the start of the New Year but angst... is by far my favourite genre to write. It feels right and it contains the most meaning. Life isn't about perfection; flawless results. It's about living and dying. Smiling and crying. The feelings we hold one moment may falter in the next. We do and say stupid things and from that we grow and evolve.
To the year of 2009; may you discover something about yourself... that you never thought possible.