A/N: Just a quick Songfic to stop me going insane. The song is 'By Myself' by Linkin Park. It's such a Harry song! Think of the lyrics as Harry's thoughts, if you will, and the narrative as, well, the narrative.
Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter nor Linkin Park, as much as I would like to.
Easy Way Out
What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Harry stared at his wrists. White scars threaded their way over his veins, criss-crossing like rivers and tracks of ice. Pale skin marred by even paler lines, evidence of his self destruction.
Do I sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?
His thoughts flashed to those who had betrayed him. Dumbledore: time after time he had asked Harry to risk his life, never once giving an explanation. Never excusing the constant forsaking of a trust now worn so thin.
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness?
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Ron and Hermione: long ago he had driven them away, tortured by phantom whispers he couldn't quite hear, paranoid about what he couldn't quite see. Convinced by his own thoughts of conspiracies and lies.
Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
The dying sun threw its last rays onto the knife lying beside him on the cold stone floor. Sharp steel glinted invitingly as his long fingers trembled towards the handle, then finally gripped it tightly, his knuckles standing out bleached white against parchment skin.
I put on my daily faรงade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
Smooth, cool metal connected with burning flesh, drawn smoothly along familiar paths already plotted on his wrists. Hot tears flooded down his face, green eyes glittering with pain.
By myself [myself
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
[myself
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
Blundering now, he shakily carved a fresh arch over his fragile wrist.
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
Memories, people, flashed in his mind. Confusion, betrayal, swirled in his thoughts. Blissful relief as the blade cut again.
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
He couldn't do what the world was asking him to. He couldn't find the strength, not anymore. After so much loss, so much pain, how could he even try? How could he let people down like he knew he would?
If I turn my back I'm defenceless
And to go blindly seemed senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they'll
Take from me 'til everything is gone
He wasn't prepared, he knew this. Why did nobody else? He was fighting a losing battle, Voldemort getting stronger by the day. Death Eaters permeating everyday life, danger hanging over him like a fog that refused to lift. The constant daily battle with those around him was sapping his energy, his will to carry on. It seemed futile to fight to keep people alive when all he knew all he was doing was prolonging their suffering, allowing them to watch their world being overcome by darkness.
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
Everything he had tried had failed. He persisted in his struggle against the Dark Lord who remained, as ever, elusive and untouchable. No matter how close he thought it was another obstacle always threw itself into his path. If Voldemort didn't, the effort, surely, would kill him.
By myself [myself
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
[myself
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
He remembered the faces of people who, for so many years, had made him feel loved, secure. Now, abandoned, he had only those countless distant strangers, each relying on him to save them all. Each faceless victim another weight upon his shoulders. He was surrounded by people who needed him yet he was completely alone. Isolated, shut off, by the one thing that connected them all.
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
He couldn't keep up with the demands of the wizarding world. He had tried and failed on so many levels.
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
The blade sunk in again, slamming him back into reality.
How do you think
I've lost so much
I'm so afraid
I'm out of touch
He couldn't save people. Not Cedric, not Sirius, not Dumbledore, no-one. So he pushed away those closest to him. Afraid that they, too, might get hurt.
How do you expect
I will know what to do
When all I know
Is what you tell me to
At the thought of Dumbledore fury bubbled in his chest, begging for the knife to calm him once more. So many questions left unanswered, so many requests left unfulfilled. He had always trusted Dumbledore implicitly, followed him blindly, and now he was left unable to see any possible way out.
Don't you [know
I can't tell you how to make it [go
No matter what I do, how hard I [try
I can't seem to convince myself [why
I'm stuck on the outside
Except for one.
Don't you [know
I can't tell you how to make it [go
No matter what I do, how hard I [try
I can't seem to convince myself [why
I'm stuck on the outside
Cold metal slid seductively against his skin. He pressed a little harder, cut a little deeper and was met by a gasp escaping from his own lips.
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
He brought the blade down again, silver arcing through the air, glinting and glittering, connecting with flesh. Paper thin skin tearing so easily under such brute force. Pain seared up his arm and into his head. His body screamed for him to stop, but he didn't.
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
The room span, his vision blurred. Blood pooled on the floor, staining his slender fingers, lapping against his lifeless form, caressing the knife that now lay discarded by the dying boy.
I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
He was supposed to be a hero. He was supposed to be a saviour. He was supposed to die in battle, fighting for whatever it was he was supposed to believe in.
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
But no. For once, he was taking the easy way out.
Well? What do you think? R&R! Don't flame me please.