The angel Castiel stared up at the starry night sky with a solemn look in his eyes. God had abandoned them- he knew it. In fact, considering heaven was a separate entity from the earthly sky, it would be impossible for God to be there. But as his heart slowly but surely leaned towards the humanity encouraged by his best friend, Dean Winchester, he liked to believe in the impossible.
His family, the angels in heaven, left him after he released the Leviathan. Castiel knew that he tried his best to be a just angel. Fighting for good, though, always turned out to end in disaster. He thought he knew what the angels wanted in heaven. Equality, peace, the works. However, in the process, he became power hungry himself.
Hanging his head in shame, Castiel found himself crying-a behavior uncommon for angels. It started as a slow cry, a few lonely tears, then a lump caught in his throat and he was sobbing. He briefly wondered if his brothers and sisters could hear his cry. Even if they could, they wouldn't come to him. Betrayal wasn't readily forgiven in heaven. Cas allowed himself to cry and cry and cry. No one would hear him. Dean was gone, God was gone, he was completely alone.
"Cas?" the heartbroken angel jumped in fear at a familiar voice behind him. "Cas, is that you?"
He turned and even in the darkness he saw the bright green eyes of Dean Winchester. "Hello, Dean," he said, trying to be nonchalant despite his tearstained face.
Dean didn't hesitate before he pulled the angel in a tight hug. Castiel couldn't help but cry into the hunter's jacket. In the back of his head, he always knew that Dean would find him. They were together in purgatory for over a year and during that time; Castiel grew very fond of him. He considered them best friends, although he knew that label belonged to the vampire Benny, in Dean's case. But all the same, he missed Dean's musty hunter's scent- a mixture of sweat and cologne, and that gruff voice of his.
"Shh, it's okay, buddy," Dean soothed, his own voice shaking. "Cas, talk to me. What happened in purgatory?"
Instead of answering his question, Castiel leaned back and started rambling. "It doesn't matter, Dean. I deserve to stay in purgatory. I ruined everything. I don't have family anymore. I want to die, Dean. I- I just…I can't do it anymore. "
"Shut up," Dean said with hostility. "I've been looking for you everywhere, Castiel. You can't say you don't have family when I still haven't given up on you. Sammy's even worried about you…and Meg, Cas. The demon."
The angel pictured Meg in his head- the beautiful, wavy-haired demon with that silky sweet southern drawl. "I'll see you in Oz, Clarence," was the last thing she had said to him before they left to destroy Dick Roman. Castiel held some sort of bond to the demon. He could see her. Although her heart was darkened by the tortures of hell, she still remained slightly human, and in a way, was one of the few who hadn't turned away from Castiel.
"How is Sam?" Castiel asked. Sam no longer had the hallucinations of Lucifer, but he knew the younger Winchester had his own struggles.
Dean turned his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "Sammy…he's alright, Cas." The way Dean pursed his lips suggested that Sam wasn't okay. Or that something between them wasn't okay. But the angel didn't press.
"I'm sorry, Dean…" Castiel said. And not just for Sam, for everything. Everything he'd done. Dean shouldn't be kind to him. The hunter didn't owe him anything. Yet Dean was his typical Dean- faithful no matter what. Tears started to come fast and hard yet again. Cas was ashamed of himself.
"Come on, Cas. Let's get to the Impala and we can talk, okay?" Dean put his arm around the angel's trembling shoulders and led him over to the car that was all too familiar to Castiel- the '67 Chevrolet Impala. He knew how much pride the hunter took in his car, despite the fact that it's been mangled and practically destroyed so many times in its life.
He gave a small smirk sitting in the passenger's seat. Dean always let Sam sit there, and left Cas to be a third wheel in the back. There wasn't anything wrong with it; Cas thought that the younger Winchester deserved that spot. But all the same, sitting as Dean's right hand man sent warmth through the angel's chest.
Dean drove and Castiel spoke. "The angels are gone, Dean. I can't even hear them anymore. They cut me off. I don't know what pulled me from purgatory. What I remember is being chased by a Leviathan- and a nasty one at that- then blinking my eyes and waking up in the middle of the woods, feeling…miserable. Hopeless."
"Well, you're dirty, I'll give you that," Dean chuckled, nudging Cas's shoulder. "I thought angel's didn't need showers."
After Cas was disconnected from his brethren, his powers ebbed from time to time, like he was human. He couldn't find it in himself to clear the dirt purgatory left on him from his suit and trench coat. It was impossible for him to even transport somewhere. Even stranger, he felt something he had never felt before.
"Can we grab McDonalds?" Castiel asked hopefully, craving the taste of a cheeseburger. The last time the angel had had human food was when they fought Famine, the horseman, and Cas loved the feeling of having his hunger sated.
"After you have a nice shower, buddy," Dean consented, smiling.
"What are you so happy about?" Castiel asked. He couldn't help but feel irritated at Dean's chipper attitude while the angel felt his world was being pulled out from under him.
"Easy, Cas," the hunter shook his head. "I'm just…I'm happy to have you back, man. Sure, I have Sammy, but I can hardly function without my best angel."
Warmth flooded through Castiel's chest. No one had acknowledged him as the best anything before. But, come to think of it, Castiel was the only angel Dean could really trust and that thought made him frown again. "You like Benjamin more than me, don't you?"
"Castiel, is that jealousy I detect?" Dean threw his head back in laughter.
"Don't laugh," the angel grumbled. "It's an honest question."
Dean pulled into a cruddy Super 8 motel and got a room for the two of them. "Home, sweet home," Dean feigned enthusiasm at the ratty room as they walked in.
Cas froze. "Dean, there's only a king sized bed."
"You don't sleep, man. Remember?" Dean raised an eyebrow.
Castiel felt exhausted and, honestly, the only thing he wanted to do was lay back and curl under a blanket and sleep. He'd never slept before, but it was all he wanted. "I'm exhausted, Dean."
Dean paused. "This is awkward," then he sighed. "Shower, angel boy. I'll go grab us some food."
With that, Dean turned and left the hotel room, locking the door behind him. Castiel removed his clothes right there in the middle of the room and stepped into the shower. It was confusing to him, the knobs and claustrophobia of the small shower, but Castiel managed to turn the knobs and flinched as scalding water seared his skin. He quickly turned the other knob and his body relaxed at the soft, warm water that covered him.
Castiel didn't realize how disgusting he looked coming from purgatory. There was dried blood caked under his chin, all over his hands, and down his legs. Almost every inch of him was coated in bright purple bruises. He winced as he brought the cheap bar of hotel soap over his wounds, which after being washed seemed infected. He figured that the purple lining around them and yellow ooze from the large scratch on his left shin wasn't typical in human injuries. Taking a washcloth, Castiel scrubbed over them until they were open and bleeding, then wrapped his largest one in one of the white hotel towels. That's how he'd seen Dean treat Sam's wounds.
The angel scrubbed his thick black hair with the sweet smelling shampoo, then after struggling to turn the showerhead off, wrapped himself in a towel and stepped out of the bathroom.
He started to put his clothes back on, but stopped as he realized his trench coat was coated in blood and dirt, and stank like a wet dog. The same went for every other article of clothing he had worn. He sighed, standing there naked and feeling awkward as ever.
After hesitating for a few minutes, he unzipped Dean's duffel of clothes and found a pair of boxers. Dean wouldn't mind if he borrowed clothes, right? Only for a little bit. Castiel consented to make it up to the hunter someday. He found one of Dean's tee shirts, a red hoodie, and a pair of soft sweatpants. He couldn't help but enjoy the Laundromat scent on Dean's clothes, where his scent still lingered. The angel found himself curling under the bed's comforter, wincing at the creaks in the springs, and flipping on the TV.
A channel called Animal Planet was on. He couldn't help but laugh and smile at the ridiculous show surrounding a litter of Yorkie puppies. Cas didn't get what it was about humans and dogs. Dean was terrified of them, yet Sam has always wanted one. They didn't realize that dogs wanted nothing more than companionship with humans. Cas could read dogs similarly to humans, although the animals were much simpler. Turning the channel, Cas thought about how Dean may be upset at him seeing dogs on the TV. He stopped at a news station.
"There is still speculation around the strange collapse of Roman enterprises and the disappearance of Dick Roman. The warehouse was found coated in unknown black goo with nobody in sight. Scientists are quickly studying the predicament, working with detectives and lawyers to produce results," the anchorwoman on the television babbled, wiping the smile off Castiel's face. He suddenly missed the cute Yorkie puppies bouncing around the screen.
Cas reminded himself that everything that went on in the news stories was his fault. Dean going to purgatory? His fault. Sam going insane? His fault. Yet Dean was still here, helping him, reassuring him. Dean was the only thing keeping him from contemplating suicide, if it were even possible for an angel to commit such an act.
As if his thoughts predicted the future, Dean came through the door holding a large fast-food bag that gave off a mouthwatering scent. "Who ordered filet mignon?" Dean teased with a smile. "Too bad. I brought hamburgers."
Castiel climbed out of the comfort of the bed and took the greasy bag Dean handed to him. Dean pressed his eyebrows together, attempting to feign dissatisfaction. "What?" The angel asked, terrified that Dean would be upset with him.
"You took my comfy sweats?" the hunter asked with an eyebrow raised. Seeing Castiel's fear, he smiled and laughed. "You're fine, buddy. We'll get your coat washed tomorrow."
Cas had already sunk his teeth into the cheap hamburger. He had never tasted something so amazing in his life. Practically groaning, the angel devoured the sandwich and then the fries. He even forgot to breathe. "This is incredible," he said, his mouth still stuffed with fries. "Dean, where did you get this? I have to tell Balthazar…"
"Burger King?" Dean said questioningly. "Man, are you sure you didn't become human in your transition?"
Mid-chew, Castiel froze. That thought had not occurred to him. Such a sudden transition from purgatory to Earth could possibly render a transition like that, but it could also mean…
The angel choked, coughing and suddenly feeling sick to his stomach. "Cas?" Dean got up quickly, holding him by the shoulders.
"My grace…I think…my grace must still be in purgatory…or stolen…Dean, that's why I'm human. I don't have my grace." Castiel sputtered, tears falling down his face again.
"Look at me, Castiel," Dean turned the angel's head to look him straight in the eyes. "You're going to get through this like a grown-ass man, okay?" Cas's head started to fall again and Dean held his face with both hands, willing the angel to look at him. "Look, Cas. I'm here. Everything is going to be okay. You know how we Winchesters are. Stubborn as wild horses. You can't give up, okay?"
"Dean, I'm useless without my grace. Powerless," Castiel said, letting himself meet Dean's bright green eyes. The warmth of the hunter's rough hands was pleasant, and Castiel felt his stomach flutter at the proximity of their faces. Despite the hopeless feeling in Castiel's gut, Dean's faith in the fallen angel made his heart feel hopeful again.
"You'll never be useless as long as you're here, Cas," Dean said quietly, dropping his hands but not moving back.
For the second time that night, the two of them hugged each other tightly. Dean whispered in the angel's ear, "Let's go to bed, buddy. We'll talk about this in the morning."