Title: Torn

By: Amanda

Feedback: sweety167yahoo.ca

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I don't own anything QAF related.

Spoilers: Season 4

Summery: What really went through Brian's head? Brian P.O.V. Episode 413

Date Completed: September 6, 2004

Is there any reason these two should not be married?

Yeah, I've got a few, but I can't voice any of them. I've promised way too many people, over way too many years that I wouldn't, that I'd never. Deb, Vic, Ted, even Michael, and most of all, myself. They've all make me promise, have all dared me.

I've swore, and been ordered, to let him go. To let him move on and be happy. And I did, I thought I did. AT least I tried. I just never knew how much it would tear me up inside. Or I knew, always knew, just pretended not to. Gotta keep the mask from falling. Keep the act up. Make everyone believe the lies.

Just giving them that shit eating smile and biting my lip until it bleeds as I stand here. And even now Debbie warns me, threatens me to keep that inhuman promise. Open my mouth and she'd kill me. Don't you dare say a thing. Keep your mouth, and heart for that matter, shut. I'm not allowed to confess, to declare. And here I always thought confession was good for the soul, but this one would damn me. It's damning me now. Tearing me to pieces as I watch him marry someone else, vow to love someone else. But we've made vows too, years and years worth. Always have, always will. And even as I stand here as a witness, I stand by that. I will always stand by that.

But I love him, truly and fully, so I have to give him the chance at being happy. A chance I don't know if I could ever give him myself. I want to. I'd love to make my Mikey truly happy, but I've never been good enough for that. It's never been that I wouldn't, only that I couldn't. I have to let him go. If you love something let it go, and if it comes back it's yours?! He's always come back, I've always gone back, but what if he never does again?

Because I love him I'm left torn. Brian Kinney who doesn't feel anything is feeling everything. He who doesn't do love, wishes he really didn't. Maybe if I didn't love him for the last lifetime I wouldn't care, it wouldn't hurt. But I do. And it does. And I'm torn, be happy for him, and cry for me. If he wins I end up losing, and if he loses, so will I. Mikey being happy is everything…and when I can I'll join him. I'll finally stand up and say I abject with all that I am; the fake façade and the inner child who is still, and will forever be, in love with his best friend.

That's right Mikey, I love you, I do. Even if I say nothing now.