Title: Haldir and the Fatigue of Doom
Pairing(s): Haldir and several goblets of wine! ;)
Rating: PG
Genre: Humour
Beta: None
Cast: Haldir, Orophin, Rúmil, OCs
Disclaimer: I own no-one from The Lord Of The Rings. All the characters and place names displayed belong to JRR Tolkien except Beleril and Finwyn who are from my own imagination and are the only ones I lay claim to. I do not intend to, nor am I making any financial gain from the writing of this story.
Feedback: Yes please! We "aspiring" authors thrive on the stuff.
Timeline: A.U. Not following movie-verse.
Summary: Haldir cannot sleep. Being the determined elf he is, he sets out on a nightly mission to find the cure for his sleeplessness. Will he succeed or will morning come before he finds the answer?
Fourteen goblets of wine. Fourteen! All vintage too! Haldir simply could not believe his luck. Up till past two in the morning. Partying in the hall since seven and he wasn't even remotely tired.
"I will not give in to this" he murmured as he rolled onto his side again. "This is just impossible. Fourteen goblets and- Oh Elbereth!! I must be wide-awake! I can even remember how much I drunk!"
Groaning, Haldir grabbed his pillow and jammed it over his head. He held it fast, his both fists, leaving just the tiniest gap so he could just about breathe.
"Must.....sleep" he moaned into his mattress. What sort of state would he be in at the borders tomorrow if he didn't get any sleep? What would everyone think if he fell asleep against a tree? What if he did and didn't notice the wolf coming at him? Would he be mourned? Missed?
Haldir roughly emerged from his hiding place and pummelled his pillow. "This-is-just-so-stupid!" he snarled at the poor, tortured sleeping-aid.
Sighing, he leant back on his knees and covered his face with his hands. "Think, Haldir, think!" he sternly told himself. "There must be a way, there must be! It is not logically possible for even an elf to drink fourteen goblets of the best vintage cherry wine and remain standing!"
His eyes suddenly fell on the open window and his collection of cloaks lying beside it.
"Bingo!"
Beleril was making his way back towards his talan, swaying a little on his feet, but relatively sober. "At least" he chuckled to himself. "I only drank three goblets, unlike Haldir! Poor guy must be out for the count by now!"
He suddenly chanced to glance upwards, then shook his head and walked on. Someone must've slipped something in his drink, he decided. But still... Beleril looked back over his shoulder and walked backwards a few paces. He gazed up in surprise, blinked a few times then finally decided that what he was seeing was not, as he had first assumed, an hallucination. Instead, what he was seeing was in fact a fully grown elf scaling down the trees and hanging, if Beleril wasn't mistaken in his judgement, nor his sight, a most extensive collection of cloaks, all tied together and tightly tied also around the elf's waist.
"Haldir?" he called up to the elf. "Is that you?" He then wished he hadn't raised his voice quite so much as he had obviously startled the elf. Thus causing said elf to fall a few feet, regain his balance and steady himself against the trunk of the tree again.
"Beleril!" called Haldir from the tree. "Fancy seeing you here! What are you doing and out at this time of night?"
Beleril didn't quite know what to say to all this. For unless he had somehow slept through the past thousand years and all the laws of nature had changed, or had accidentally slipped into a parallel universe where everything was opposite to how it should be, he would consider what he was doing, as compared to Haldir's chosen occupation, as perfectly rational and normal.
"Nothing much" he replied. "You?"
"Trying to get some sleep" explained Haldir.
"Ah. Right". Beleril was now steadfast in his decision that he must have indeed slept through the last millenia, and made a mental note to drop by the Lord and Lady's talan on his way home and request a hammock. He was perfectly sure that although easily adaptable, he would not be able to sleep like Haldir. That was of course assuming the Lord and Lady still ruled Lorien, and the laws of nature had not suddenly permitted humans or worse, dwarves to take over. He shuddered violently at the thought. "I'll miss my bed though" he mused to himself.
"What did you say?" asked Haldir, a confused expression just about perceivable on his face.
"I said I'll miss my bed" replied Beleril. "Do you think the Lord and Lady will let me have a hammock instead?"
Haldir's mouth fell open, thoroughly bemused.
"Of course" sighed Beleril, misinterpreting Haldir's expression. "I knew they wouldn't. I suppose I'll have to get used to the new system of sleeping, hanging from a window. I mean, it can't be too difficult. After all, you've got used to it, haven't you Haldir".
Haldir then did a remarkable impression of a goldfish, and finally settled on the decision that his poor friend, whom he had known since they were both elflings, had sadly become an alcoholic. "What are you talking about?" Haldir gaped.
Beleril blinked. "Pardon?"
"I understand" Haldir continued. "We'll talk about this later"
Beleril watched, stunned, as Haldir slowly made his way down the tree and finally landed at the base. Haldir hurried over to his friend and stared curiously into his eyes.
"Nope, pupils are not dilated". Haldir hurried around his friend, checking him over for any tell-tale signs of drunkenness. He found barely any except the slight sway in Bel's walk.
"You aren't an alcoholic?" Haldir asked simply.
"What?" said Beleril in confusion. "No, I-"
"Then what was all that stuff about you missing your bed and a hammock and all?"
"What was with abseiling down the mallorn?" retorted Beleril.
"I told you, I was trying to sleep".
"Hanging next to the mallorn?" Beleril raised a questioning brow at his friend.
"No not...oh!" exclaimed Haldir, suddenly understanding. "You thought- the cloaks- me? Sleeping up-? No, no! You have it all wrong, my friend!"
Beleril gaped at the warden and sighed. "Would you explain to me what was really going on there then?" he urged.
"Sure!" replied Haldir. "Tell you what, I'll explain as we run!"
"Run?" Beleril gazed disbelieving after his friend who had already started jogging away from him. "Haldir, I-"
He rolled his eyes in resignation and took off after Haldir. Finally, he caught up with him, and steadily jogged alongside him. "Right. Now will you tell me what is going on?"
"Shall I start at the beginning?" asked Haldir, still jogging.
"An admirable suggestion" replied Beleril.
"Well" began Haldir. "I had quite a lot on wine tonight and-"
"I know that!" interrupted Beleril. "But what has that got to do with it?"
"Who is telling this story?" glared Haldir, skidding to a halt.
"I am sorry" apologised Beleril with a grin. "Please carry on"
"Right". Haldir began running again, and Beleril joined alongside him. "As I said, Bel, I drank rather a lot of wine tonight, and that should have meant a night of dreamless sleep, right?"
"Right" agreed Beleril slowly, still not entirely sure where this was heading. The story or them!
"I got to bed tonight and found I could not sleep a wink!"
"No!" gasped Beleril, feigning surprise. "What did you do?"
"That, my friend is where smart thinking comes in" smirked Haldir, tapping the side of his head. "I thought for ages, my brain was empty of ideas, until it hit me! I saw my extensive collection of cloaks laid out neatly on the chair, you know as I do?"
Beleril nodded and urged him to continue.
"Anyway, I decided the best way to get me to sleep, is to make myself tired!"
"Hence the abseiling down the mallorn and the jogging" prompted Beleril.
"Exactly!" replied Haldir.
They suddenly found they were coming very close to the borders of the city and slowed down. "What do you plan to do next then?" asked Beleril.
"I thought a nice vigorous swim in the lake" suggested Haldir.
Beleril's eyes widened in fear at the prospect of swimming at this time of night, and hastily made another suggestion. "Tell you what, Haldir" he said. "How about a brisk walk around the city and back to our talans?"
"Will that make me tired?" asked Haldir uncertainly.
"Of course" assured Beleril. "Now come on!"
Rumil was woken by the sound of voices outside his window and peered out to see who it was. His eyes widened when he saw Beleril and Haldir strolling briskly past, Haldir almost steaming ahead.
He ran quickly to Orophin's talan and shook him awake. "Orophin" he hissed. "You have got to see this!"
The two younger brothers ran to the balcony and watched, suppressing laughter as Haldir walked dynamically underneath the mallorn.
"It would seem, our dear brother cannot sleep" stated Rumil, matter-of- factly. They wandered into Haldir's room and then something at the window caught Rumil's eye and a sparkle of mischief ignited within it.
Rumil leant close to Orophin's ear and whispered something highly amusing that made Orophin chuckle with glee.
"I'll be two minutes" grinned Orophin and disappeared at top speed.
Rumil watched attentively as Haldir and Beleril emerged up the stairs towards their talans. He couldn't help but pity poor Beleril, he looked done in! Haldir on the other hand, was a sprightly as ever.
"I don't believe it Bel!" he groaned. "I'm still not tired!"
"How in Manwe's name, can you not be?" moaned Beleril. "We have walked Lorien in its entirety over six times and jogged round it three times!"
"I know, Bel!" said Haldir apologetically. "But I am as confused about this as you are".
He suddenly spotted Rumil standing innocently by his room and raised a brow suspiciously at him. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"Oh, nothing" replied Rumil, I just need a word with Beleril". He beckoned to Beleril who came over to the young elf.
"You stay there" said Rumil pointedly to Haldir, who gave his brother a look that could curdle milk.
"He can't sleep then?" whispered Rumil.
"Nay!" replied Beleril. "I've tried everything, but he is not getting tired at all! Between you and me, I would've gone down to the healers at got some sleeping pills".
"Ah yes" said Rumil. "But Hal doesn't think like that, does he? Logic isn't a word he has learnt the meaning of yet!"
Beleril chuckled then suddenly became serious. "Promise me that whatever you are going to do to him, Rumil" he warned. "Don't do anything that might permanently injure him".
"You have my word" grinned Rumil. "Besides, he's my brother! I'd never do that!"
Beleril shook his silver haired head in amusement and retreated back to his talan. "Good night you two!" he called.
"Night Bel" they replied.
As soon as Beleril was gone, Rumil glared at his brother and gestured at Haldir's talan. "You. There. Now! I need a word!"
More than slightly surprised at his brother's outburst, Haldir reluctantly complied and went inside his talan.
Rumil shut the door behind him, then turned to face Haldir who consequently was looking more than a little confused. "Haldir, would you please explain to me why you were jogging around Lorien at almost three in the morning?"
Haldir shrugged. "I fancied a jog".
"At three in the morning?" Rumil raised an amused brow at him.
"Well why not?" Haldir stood his ground, not guessing that Rumil already knew the reason.
Rumil continued to stare at Haldir in this unnerving way until Haldir finally broke. "All right! All right, I admit it! I can't sleep! There, I've said it."
Haldir sank down on his bed looking thoroughly miserable. "Why can't I sleep, Rumil?"
Rumil glanced up at the window and what he saw made him grin. He sat down next to Haldir and put a comforting arm around him. "Never mind, Haldir" he said. "I'm sure you'll be just having an off night. Look, I'll bet you anything you'll sleep like a log tomorrow!"
"You think so?" Haldir looked unconvinced.
"I know so!" smiled Rumil. "In fact, I'm willing to help you." He glanced up again and nodded.
"How?" asked Haldir.
Rumil looked up again and what he saw made him turn ghostly pale. "Uhm...I'm sure I'll think of something Haldir!"
Haldir suddenly rose from the bed. "You know, I think I'll take another walk, Rumil" he decided.
Before Rumil could stop him, he was out the room. Rumil rushed to the window and breathed a sigh of relief. Suddenly, there was a loud metallic clang and a dull thud. Rumil rushed outside and let out a gasp of both shock and amusement.
Right outside the door, Haldir lay on the ground, knocked out cold.
The head chef, Finwyn was bending over Haldir, a look of concern in his eyes and a large metal saucepan at his side. Finwyn looked up, registered Rumil's presence and got hurriedly to his feet.
"I am so sorry, Rumil" he cried. "He just came right out and caught his head on that saucepan I was carrying! It is all my fault!"
Finwyn slid to the floor looking thoroughly depressed and worried.
"He'll thank you when he wakes you know!" said Rumil cheerfully.
"Thank me?" said Finwyn in surprise. "Nay, he'll kill me!"
"Under normal circumstances, yes. But at the moment, no".
Finwyn looked up at him curiously. "I must say, Rumil, I do not understand what you mean, but I am sure you mean well."
The sound of running footsteps was hear and the two elves looked up just in time to see Orophin hurrying up the stairs towards them. As soon as he caught sight of Haldir's unconscious form, a grin spread across his face.
"Who did it?" he grinned.
"Me" sighed Finwyn. "I am so sorry!"
"Don't be" smiled Orophin good-naturedly. "For once, we can't be blamed for this, and neither can you!"
"What?" Finwyn looked genuinely perplexed by now.
"We'll let him explain when he wakes" said Rumil. "Now, I suggest you go and get some rest, Finwyn and we'll see you in the morning."
Finwyn nodded, picked up his saucepan and wandered miserably off. The brothers meanwhile, dragged the unconscious Haldir back inside his room and slowly deposited him on his bed.
"That great lump weighs a ton!" groaned Orophin.
"Tell me about it" sighed Rumil, sinking into the nearest chair and pouring himself a glass of miruvor. "Want one?" he offered the bottle to Orophin who refused.
"So" began Rumil after a sip of his drink. "What happened?"
"Well, I went down to the kitchens like you told me to find a saucepan for Haldir. Just my luck that they decided to lock it! So, I still went round to the mallorn and saw that mercifully, Haldir's cloak-rope was still hanging there. So, I climbed up it, with great difficulty and then saw you two talking."
"Yes, I thought you had it with you, you half-wit!" smirked Rumil. "I was about to give you your cue!"
"I know" laughed Orophin. "I figured the only thing I could do was show you I hadn't got it"
"Obviously" sighed Rumil. "But how exactly did you manage to wave both your arms in the air?"
"Ah!" said Orophin with an air of pride. "I swung forward and stood on someone's windowsill!"
"You what?" chuckled Rumil. "Someone got a surprise when your feet appeared outside their room, I'll bet!"
"Oh well!" grinned Orophin, finally sitting down and helping himself to a glass of miruvor. "You know what they say! All is well that endeth well!"
They both looked round at Haldir and then back up at each other.
"You know something brother?" said Orophin thoughtfully. "I think we should get out of here before he wakes!"
"A truer word was never spoken" agreed Rumil. Quickly, they downed their drinks and replaced the glasses back on the sideboard, taking care to wipe the rims as they went.
Then as quick as lightning and as silent as shadows, they departed Haldir's quarters, leaving him to his dreams.