A/N: Crossposted from my AO3 - archiveofourown dot org / works/957436

Guang-Hong stood at the foot of the bed as he watched Leo sleep. The soft, steady breathing was familiar, just like the occasional snore every few breaths. They used to serenade him to sleep. Now they grated on his nerves. Tested his sanity.

Both would end soon enough.

Shadows clung to him like smoke as he moved around the bed, the silver of his gun catching a stray beam of moonlight through the window.

Leo sighed in his sleep and shifted, turning his face towards him and blinking his eyes open. He frowned and pushed up onto his elbows. "Guang-" he started, falling silent as his gaze landed on the gun. "Oh." He slumped back onto the pillows, hair in crazy disarray around his face as he smiled. "Was hoping it'd be you."

Guang-Hong gritted his teeth, tightening his grip on his gun as he pointed it at Leo's chest. "Why?"

"You know why."

He did, sometimes. Most of the time the reason was cloudy, wrapped in a haze like he'd tried to forget. "I'm sorry."

Leo's smile never wavered. "I know. It's okay."

He pulled the trigger. The flash blinded him, the silence that fell after more deafening than the bang. He dropped the gun with a sob.

Leo was dead because of him.

No... wasn't he dead because of what he'd done?

What was that again?

There was so little blood from Leo's chest, but it was everywhere. Coating his hands, cooling on his face, clogging his throat. Then he was swimming in it, pieces of a decaying Leo floating around him.

He woke with a scream. He scrambled out of bed and pressed against the wall, covering his face with a sob.

"Guang-Hong?"

He tensed as a hand touched his shoulder, flinching away. "Don't touch me!"

Leo sighed. "Another nightmare?"

He pressed the heels of his fists into his eyes. "I shot you," he whispered. "Knew it wasn't real. Couldn't be real. ...You're dead."

"I'm right here."

He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut with a sob. "Dead. You're dead!" He didn't want to look, knew what he'd see if he looked, and he was so tired of seeing blood.

Leo sighed again. "Guang-Hong..."

He hiccuped, shivering at the cool touch of fingers on his wrists, bracing himself as his hands were tugged away. Fresh tears spilled down his cheeks as he looked at Leo. Pale, so pale, the only color a smear of blood on his near-white lips.

The happiest people were often the saddest, they said. No one, not even their closest family or friends, ever heard their silent screams, their inaudible pleas. Not until it was too late. Not until they ended their pain in the only way they knew how.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. Sorry I didn't notice. Sorry I took you for granted. Sorry I couldn't be what you needed me to be. Sorry I didn't try harder. Sorry I couldn't bear the shame it would have brought to my family. Sorry I gave you hope only to snatch it away.

Sorry I was too afraid to take a chance on us.

On you.

On love.

Maybe he could change things. Maybe he could make it right.

He pushed away from the wall, crawling back towards his bed.

With trembling fingers, he picked up the bottle full of pills.