It's been two years.
Two years ago, I was yours and you are mine. I love you with all my heart, I love you too much, and maybe that's why you left because according to some people "too much love will kill you". I don't blame you for anything because the day that I laid my eyes on you I knew that you're too good for me. That I don't deserve you. But still you gave me a chance and you showed me how it felt to be loved by you and I swear it is the best feeling in the world, you became close with my family, you've been friends with my friends, you've been the best partner, girl friend, and wife, that's why when you left, I was shattered, and I was lost. And honestly until now I still love you, I still do. But unfortunately you have already moved on, you are happy with somebody else. And every time I see those smiles, those sparkle in your eyes I wish that I could have at least one more day to spend with you, to make you smile, to hug you, and to kiss you, just one more day to show you how much I love you. I wish that every night. So that's why when I heard that you'll be attending my cousins wedding I was so happy, excited and nervous at the same time, this will be the only time again that there will be no other friends that will be with us just you and me and my family. I am not expecting for you to love me again, (and I know that you don't believe that well honestly I don't believe that either but that's what I was telling to myself, I am trying to convince myself that its really over). So here I am sitting by the lobby waiting for everyone ("for you") to arrive.
After several hours my families are all arriving, my cousins are with their boyfriends, girlfriends, best friend; yeah I totally forgot that we can bring a plus one. And at that moment I realized "shit she might be bringing someone" and my cousins saw may face get pale and asked me if I'm alright. I was about to answer when I saw her walking down the hall with a smile on her face, God she look so beautiful, gorgeous , I knew I was drooling because my cousins are laughing at me. She didn't go anywhere near me, like she's ignoring me, of course she will.
I will totally believe in destiny and the saying "meant to be" if she doesn't have a boyfriend right now because there has been a problem with our reservation. And that's when my auntie asked us if it's alright for us to stay on the same room because there are no more available room for the week. And I said it's alright if it's okay with her ("I am acting so cool like I don't care but seriously I was jumping, screaming, and dancing inside my head"). And then she smiled and told my auntie that it's okay. My auntie warned me to don't do something stupid like hundreds of times.
So here we are on our room unpacking our bags. It's so quiet that I can hear my own heartbeat. After we finished unpacking we headed to the restaurant to have a dinner with my family. My cousins are teasing me, I think I'm red as tomato and all I can do was give them a death glare but they are just laughing at me. I want to shout at them because they don't know how much it hurts, they don't understand that I'm still in love with you and I can't do anything about it. It sucks it totally sucks. After dinner we headed to our room. I was preparing the couch so I could just sleep the bittersweet feeling that I'm having that time. I was so nervous because she's staring on what I am doing and I am getting so distracted; I tripped on my own feet , I fucking tripped on my own feet! if you're asking on how distracted I am. And she giggled, and then I looked at her and smiled. She told me that I haven't change since the last time. She asked me to just sleep on the bed beside her just put a pillow in the middle. But I told her that I was fine with the couch and of course she insist that's why I end un laying in the bed with her a pillow away from touching her. I faced the other side of the room and told her goodnight.
It's already morning, I don't want to move, I'm tired and this is the only time after 2 years that I have slept so peacefully then I felt that my bed is moving then I realized that she was lying beside me and I automatically opened my eyes. Then I realized that we we're actually cuddling, her head in my shoulder her arms in my waist, it felt like home, I don't want to move, but I knew that I have to. So I carefully get out of bed. I don't know how fast it was until I change into my beach clothes then headed to the shore. It's so funny because I didn't realize that I was crying that why I decided that I should write how I feel at least I got it out of my chest. So here it goes.
Day 1,
Dear Chloe,
This is the first time after two years that we went to sleep on the same bed again; my heart is pounding knowing that you're just a pillow away from me. I don't even know how I fell asleep. But trust me this is the best sleep I have since the day you left. I don't want to leave but I know that it's not the right thing to do, that I should go, for you, for your love life, and for my own sake. I didn't expect that this will hurt this much, I didn't know that seeing you again will bring back all of the pain that I felt before. But at the same time I'm also thankful because I got to have another day to see your beautiful face first thing in the morning, to feel your breath in my neck, to feel the warmth of your embrace, maybe that's also the reason why it hurts so much because I know that this will be only temporary, and your already happy with somebody else.
Yours truly,
Your ex-lover Beca
I realized that I was sitting on the shore for so long because when I looked around, the sun was already up so high and there are already so many people around. I decided to go back to the hotel and have breakfast; here we go again putting up the best smiling face like everything is perfectly fine. When I entered the dining area my aunts are already there and she is already there and she's looking at me with a question in her eyes. I greeted them good morning and she asked me where I have been, and I told her that I just strolled around looking for something fun to do. Which I know is a lame excuse.
This day is actually fun she's laughing so much and playing with my cousins, and I'm just sitting on the blanket under the umbrella watching them play. Then she lay down beside me and we talked about a lot of stuff. I miss her, I miss her so much. I want to hug her on that moment or lie in her legs, I want to hold her hand but I know that I can't. I suddenly felt suffocated and my chest starting to hurt so bad and I knew that I have to go. So I stood up and told her that I'll just go for a walk I didn't wait for any answer I just walked away.
Then when I returned it's already almost midnight and I saw them all in the lobby, and my auntie rush through me and hugged me. I was so confused but they all have the worried face all over them. Then my cousins punched me and asked me where the hell I've been. I told them around and that's when they told me that they we're all looking for me, which is funny because I'm already 23 years old. Then we went back to our room.
When we entered she asked me "Where have you really been?", "Did I say something wrong?", "Do you not want me here?" And I told her. "No, I just want to roam around then I fell asleep near the cliff, I should bring you there tomorrow it's so beautiful and peaceful". And she stared at me. Then she turned around and said "Okay". If I could punch myself and not look weird I already did. I can't stand talking to her for so long and then I'm going with here in the mountain with just us. Okay I need to sleep because tomorrow is going to be a long day.
Day 2
Dear Chloe,
I woke up again being cuddled by you. I am planning to sleep on the couch tonight. Because I don't know if I can stand to wake up beside you again knowing that after this week we'll go our separate ways and I'll have to sleep on my own again. We talked today about random stuff, like our work, how have we been for the past few months, what changes and everything. You told me that it's funny that I haven't change a single bit, but I also found it funny because you're the only one saying that I haven't change. I tried to show you that I'm fine that I already moved on. Because I think that's for the best. We we're so happy we are laughing too much and I wish I could hug you and I know that I can't and I got so suffocated with the fact the you are so close yet so far. So I did the best solution I thought I ran away. You know when I came back that night seeing your face like that so worried makes me feel like a jerk and gave me a little hope that maybe you still love me. Do you still love me?
Yours truly,
Your ex-lover Beca
Today is the day that all been waiting for the Wedding of the two greatest people on earth. Everyone was so busy, everyone was so excited and nervous at the same time. I was calming my cousin while you are calming my cousin's soon to be wife. The ceremony was very emotional I must say everyone was crying (happy tears). And the reception was magical who ever arranged that is a genius. Everyone was dancing and we're the only one left on the table. It was so awkward I don't know what to do. Then my aunt looked at me with those eyes saying "ask her to dance with you?" So I did, I knew that you are hesitating but you still said yes. That dance was the highlight of my day even though it's so awkward because I realized that the song that was playing was our wedding song. I looked at my cousins and I realized that they are the one that requested that song. I really wanted to punch them so bad. After that dance you asked me when I am going to take you to that cliff, and I told you that I could take you now. So we went there, until sun set. You said it was beautiful. I love watching you, how your face lit up, how your eyes shine. And I was proud of myself that able to make you smile like that again. I really wanted to hug you from behind; it takes all of my power not to. We just sat there for awhile just watching the sun goes down. After a few minutes I asked you that we should go before they all panic again. When we got at the hotel we went directly in our room. You put your wet clothes in the couch so I got no choice but to sleep beside you again.
I woke up this morning I felt something is different that something bad will happen. This time I didn't get out of the bed, I stared at your face, and kissed your forehead before I decided to get up.
Day 3,
Dear Chloe,
Thank you for dancing with me at the wedding. I was really happy even though we we're both so awkward. You're so beautiful. I fell deeply in love with you again. I loved you even more. It's sucks because I know that you're already happy with him. I heard you last night, talking to him at the phone,you are laughing a lot, that's when I knew that he's good for you, that he's making you so happy. And that's what's important that you're happy.
Yours truly,
Your ex-lover Beca
I woke you up this time, and asked you if you want to have breakfast. You said yes and that you'll have to freshen up a bit. I wanted to tell you that you don't need to, but maybe that's out of the line. So I just smile and told you that I'll wait for you outside. We went downstairs and saw them that they're headed down the beach to have a boodle fight for breakfast and drag us there. We we're laughing and this time it feels so right you are messing with me, saying sarcastic comments and for the first time I was truly happy. But then suddenly someone called your name and we all turned around and I saw a guy standing there, he's good looking I was going to ask you if you know him but before I did I saw you running to him and kissed him on the lips. I immediately turned around that my neck hurts and start eating again. I can sense that all of them are staring at me. I don't want to look up because I'm hundred percent sure that I'm going to cry. Then she went in the table with him introducing to us that that handsome guy is your boyfriend but suddenly he interrupted, and told her that he's not going to be her boyfriend anymore and we are all looking at him I was about to punch him if he's about to break her heart, but we we're all surprised when he got down on bended knee and asked her to marry him. No one is breathing I can say, they are all looking back and forth at me and them. While I was staring at her waiting for her answer. Then she nod while smiling and tears running to her cheek. And he put the ring on her finger and they kissed again longer this time. Then suddenly I can't stop the tears falling from my eyes. So I left. I came back few hours later and found her and her boyfriend I mean fiance on the lobby looking so sad and irritated. So I asked what's the problem and you told me that's there's no room available. And I saw how sad you are so I decided that I'll just leave so that you'll have our room. So I did have a dinner with everyone and after that I said that it's time for me to go.
Dear Chloe,
Today was super special for you; you just got engaged, congrats. Today is the day that I'll leave too. I thought we have a little more time, if I knew that today was the last time that I'll get to hold you in your sleep I'll hold you longer and tighter. But it's okay I got to hold you for another 4 days and I think that's more than enough. I have to go now. I have to let you go now.
Yours truly,
Your ex-lover Beca