Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or the song "Angel." So deal with it.
A/N: I was originally using this song for a different storyline, but then this little scene of Celbrian trying to deal with the pain and memories of her capture and a fleeting image of her departure came to me instead. I may come back and rewrite parts or all of it one day, when I have time to contemplate it. I hope you all like this little ficlet! Thanks for reading! Hugs and bunnies!
Celbrian closed her eyes in pain. She felt so tired and sad. Her soul hurt. She knew her husband and children hoped that she would, that she could move on and heal, become whole now that she was home, but it had been a year. One whole year dealing with the pain in her heart.
Her physical wounds had healed without a scar, but the ones on her soul were still open and bleeding. She hated seeing the hope in their eyes every day, crushed when she smiled sadly and shook her head. The tears she knew Arwen cried when she was all alone, because Celbrian was a shadow of her former self. The anger and rage the twins took on their hunts. Anger at themselves for not getting to her sooner. And worst of all, the grief and failure she saw in Elrond's eyes because he knew. He knew he had not been able to heal her, not where it was truly significant. She had almost given up hope, no, she had given up hope of ever recovering while in Middle Earth. She had accepted that some wounds went too deep. But still she remained. For her family.
For that second chance
For the break that will make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless
And maybe
Nighttime was always the worst. Then, the shadows seemed to come alive and the terror would return. She would relive in her dreams the torment in the orc den. She would shiver and wake crying in terror, Elrond trying his best to comfort her as she flinched from his touch, still gripped by horrific, nightmarish memories.
May you find
Elrond watched his wife sadly. He knew that she was unhappy, that she was suffering, but he knew not how to help her. He had hoped that, once she had healed physically, she would be able to move on with the loving support from their family. But it had been a year and still she woke at night trembling in terror, shying away from his touch and gentle attempts to comfort her. Not even her own mother, the powerful and wise Galadriel had been able to help assuage the hurts to Celbrian's soul. He was swiftly losing hope, coming to the realization that she would never be healed anywhere in the lands of Middle Earth.
And everywhere you turn
Celbrian closed her eyes against the memories threatening to overwhelm her. A single, silvery tear trailed a track of grief down her cheek. For so long, it had seemed like an eternity, she had been held by the orcs before Elladan and Elrohir had rescued her. Indeed, in their lair, it had been dark with no way to tell if it were night or day. Every waking moment, afraid of the next cruelty she would be forced to endure. She had only survived that long because she refused to let them win and she wanted to see her family one last time. But it had been a close thing many times. Many times she contemplated simply willing herself to give up and go to sleep, releasing her spirit to the Halls of Waiting where the immortal spirits of Elves were sent upon an untimely death. Yet, she never did and then the twins came and she was brought back to her home.
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh, this glorious sadness
She had taken many weeks to recover physically. But by the time three months had passed, she no longer carried even the tiniest of physical scars. The only scars to be seen were beheld when one looked into her eyes and saw the emotional turmoil within her. Turmoil she tried vainly to quiet and sort through, to no avail. She was living a lie and so was her family, putting on a façade of hope that she would be well soon. But she did not want to leave her family for she loved them, she was just not sure she could survive the fear and anguish much longer. It was tearing her delicate soul apart like a wild winter storm brings down a weakened tree.
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel
May you find
It was over, the pretending and the false hoping. Elrond could see it in his wife's eyes. And his heart nearly broke. He opened his mouth to speak, to apologize for not being able to help her where it mattered, but she gently laid her fingers over his lips and shook her head with a sad smile that told him she did not blame him. It was not his fault. He knew what it meant, they both did. Celbrian was leaving. She was sailing to Valinor, leaving the lands of Middle Earth in hopes of finding peace and healing. That night, without them even saying a word, their children knew. Arwen began to cry and Celbrian embraced her. The twins had silent tears of grief running down their cheeks, feelings of failure plain in their eyes. One by one, from youngest to oldest, Celbrian comforted her children.
The next day, Galadriel and Celeborn, Celbrian's parents arrived in Imladris. They had sensed, perhaps they had always known, that their daughter was too wounded, that she would leave. The family spent a night together, refusing to give up even one moment with Celbrian. The next day dawned grey and overcast, as if the very heavens were weeping at Celbrian's departure. The family made their way to Mithlond, the Grey Havens where ships to Valinor sat docked. Celbrian embraced each of them one last time and boarded a ship, never looking back.
Her family watched as the ship sailed from the harbor, disappearing into the distance, grieving for their lost mother, daughter, and wife. Through their grief, each of them clung to the hope that one day, one day Celbrian would have peace.
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