Thoughts of Grey

Note: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

Summary: One shot. Mer POV , night of the prom after everything.

She turned her head on her pillow, scenes from hours ago flooding her mind, as she contemplated on the events that occurred that night.

LVAD, sex, examination room, black panties, Denny, Izzie, Burke, Christina, Addison, Doc, Finn...Derek.

Running from Finn and Derek.

So many images, so many people, it was driving her crazy, she knew as a friend she should be there for Izzie, the way she was when she was the one who saw people blown up into shreds, or when that time when the love of her life left her for his wife. But with the things going on in her life at that moment, it almost seem to be a betrayal to her friend that she cannot be there for her fully. That cannot be there for her 100 as she was then.

Dark and Twisty and Scary. Perfect words for her. It might be contagious, she thought, who knows what Izzie might become after Denny's death.

'What does this mean?' his voice pierced through her thoughts suddenly, then the sensations that she had before those words were uttered to her. She savored them for a few moments and then realization struck.

'What does this mean?'

His words seeped confusion into her, then guilt, pain then anger.

Angry at him that now he was letting her have the decision, when they both knew that after everything that happened that night, after he called her to choose him in front of Finn, he was still married; his wife was her boss who could still make her life miserable in Seattle Grace and all the hurtful things he said that day on the stairwell was still said.

He was now letting her have a decision when they both knew the choices are a rock and hard place. He will go back to his wife, and she still have Finn, and Finn have plans, for her, for them...together, long term plans for them together.

Not everybody has someone make plans for the long term, together. She did, once made plans, for her and Derek, together, but he hurt her by ruining her plans, by turning out to be married and on top of that choosing his wife after she begged. Oh, how she begged, but he still chose her.

Now she was Dark and Scary because she was not chosen, and she will not make anymore plans, she need someone to make plans for her, and Finn did make plans. Good Plans, long term plans, she could be done again if she chose to.

But why did that thing happen in the examination room, was it goodbye? Was it 'here's what you've been missing'? Was it does she make you feel this way? Or was it 'I still love you?'

She knew she loved him, but she can't choose him, she will not be a home wrecker, she will not be the dirty mistress who will get what she wants and leave an eleven year marriage bite the dust just because she was selfish.

She was not her mother. She is not Ellis Grey.

There she finally let it out, the thought that was stopping her from getting Derek back from Addison; she was not her mother, who was so selfish and lonely to force Richard to leave everything so they could be together. And when Richard did not leave his wife she became a bitter fool.

No, she was better than that, she was stronger. She had something that her mother didn't, Finn and his plans.

That is why she will try and see what Finn's plans are all about and leave Derek to be the man that she knew he was and make it work with his wife once more, just as he chose to do months back.

Then they will just have to live with their choice, the examination room a thing of the past, something that both she and Derek will just have to accept as a shot of weakness on both their parts brought on by too much emotion in the past.

They will just have to live with it. They have to.

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