The Sinister School
This is your last chance to put this book down. I'm warning you now. You should avoid this book like the swine flu. To begin the misfortune, the sky was an ominous shade of gray and the rain was making rivers in the Baudelaires' path as they walked towards their new home, Prufrock Prep. Now if you have ever been to a boarding school you now of its unpleasantness. The 2 star dormitories for example or the rubbery spaghetti served for dinner every night. But neither you, I, or any mortal could possibly understand the paucity of pleasant times to be had at this particular boarding school except of course the Baudelaires themselves. I suggest you pick up some light reading such as The Little Engine That Could, a story of a happy engine who says, "I think I can, I think I can." I promise you there is nothing happy about the tale of the Baudelaires that I am about to unfold. Well actually my calculations tell me that there are exactly 10 pages of happiness when the Baudelaires originally meet the Quagmire triplets. I suggest when you get to this part to savor it like your last morsel of chocolate.
The preamble to the unpleasantness that follows begins with a girl named Carmelita Spats. I'm sure you have all met someone like Carmelita Spats. She's the type of girl who thinks she is the smartest, prettiest, nicest girl in the world. She is so obsessed with this image of herself that she probably hasn't looked in a mirror for quite some time. Girls like her are a dime a dozen. A dimes a dozen is a phrase which here means worth 1/12th of 10 cents.
"Get out of my way ya bloody cakesniffers!" said Carmelita.
"I once had a pet dog called Cakesniffers when I was a little boy. He ran away though. I can't imagine why. I was a perfect guardian," said Mr. Poe. The Baudelaires did not reply. The eldest, Violet Baudelaire could not imagine how Mr. Poe could have possibly been a good guardian. Klaus was wondering who in their right mind would name a dog Cakesniffer. Sunny Baudelaire broke the silence saying "Dentaphil" which meant something along the lines of I hope our new home has some hard objects for me to bite.
The reason Violet couldn't imagine how Mr. Poe could be a perfect guardian is because since their parents died the Baudelaires have been followed by a man named Count Olaf. Count Olaf is a man who would disagree with the title of song by a band called the Beatles. The song he would disagree with is Can't By Me Love. Count Olaf's life is devoted to finding the fortunes of helpless orphans such as the Baudelaires. If Count Olaf were a sin it would be the sin of avarice. Although Mr. Poe was not an evil man in the traditional sense of the word, he had good intentions, but then again so does a bottle of soy sauce. If Mr. Poe were a sin, he would be the sin of omission. He never did anything to harm the Baudelaire's but he never did much to help them either.
"I think I know why the three of you are staring at the ground. You must be admiring my brand new Rocket Dog shoes. Aren't they simply marvelous?" Mr. Poe as usual was wrong about this. The Baudelaires were nervous about their first day of school. I'm sure most of you can sympathize somewhat with this feeling. Sympathize is a word which here means feel the seem as. But they were not only nervous about making new friends as normal children are. They were nervous about Count Olaf finding them once again. The mysterious he wears on his ankle had managed to find them previously using various disguises. But the Baudelaires could always recognize the Sinister Stare of Sneakiness. With some recent research I have done I have found that he gets these disguises from a place called Very Famous Disguises.
"Woryevilfind," Sunny whispered.
Klaus was quick to translate. "What Sunny means is that we are afraid that Count Olaf will find us."
"I'm happy to announce that you do not need to worry about Count Olaf. I have given Vice Principle Nero the description of Olaf. He has a supercomputer installed that can detect Olaf if he is in a 10 mile radius."
"Clear off bloody cakesniffers," the rude girl said, pushing the Baudelaire's aside.
"Holy cow. I must get going or I'll be late for work." A this the middle child, Klaus fell on the ground, pulling on Mr. Poe's ankles while Violet stared askance at the spectacle.
"But Mr. Poe I'm afraid," Klaus said while kicking and screaming.
"Klaus, what is wrong with you?" Violet asked. Klaus looked up at the archway that was mere meters away.
"Memento Mori."
"What does it mean?" asked Violet who was not nearly as literate as her younger brother.
"It means remember you will die," as the words escape Klaus' lips he began to have uncontrollable seizures and then fainted.
"Sunny use your teeth to revive your brother."
"Atyosirvis," which meant something along the lines of no problem.
When Klaus was revived the Baudelaires continued to walk. They passed through the arch baring the motto, Memento Mori. Of all people that needed to be reminded that they would die one day the Baudelaires were not one of these people. After all they are orphans. A word which here means children who have lost their parents in a tragic fire that destroyed their beautiful home and happiness. Klaus was particularly well aware of this fact as he's a literary expert and any of my readers who share that label know that 99% of literature involves death. And if there is no literal death there is always symbolic death. If I were you I would put this book down now if you do not want your face to be permanently distorted due to the oceans of tears I know you will weep.