This story is written from Olivia's point of view. It's about a few regrets Liv has. When something happens to Elliot she relives the most important moments in their relationship and wonders what could have happened if she chose differently. EOness! Please let me know what you think!
I should know better than to dwell on the words "what if". I saw how those two words controlled my mother's life. I know having me in her life never came close to outweighing the "what ifs" she agonized over. I know firsthand those two words are a sure fire way of killing yourself from the inside as it ruined basically the first half of my life. I say the first half of my life as sometimes something might happen to you that will divide your life into two. The period before the event took place, and the period that comes after. For some people it is a horrible tragic event like a car accident, or in the case of my mother and the victims I work with every day, a brutal rape. Your life changes because someone took something from you, they tear you apart and the time it takes for you to piece yourself together again becomes the period after. Other times if you are lucky enough it's a wonderful event like giving birth to a child, or meeting someone who truly understands you. In these cases it's an event where so much has been given to you. I was one of the lucky people who had a wonderful event change my life. It wasn't a dramatic day or a near death experience. It was simply the day I stepped through the doors of the SVU precinct in New York City.
The day I met with Captain Donald Cragen I did not imagine that in a few minutes he would introduce me to the people who would become the family I never knew. I have never known the value of a family. I never understood my mother's inability to love me until I learned the truth about my conception. Then I understood, but it didn't make it any easier to deal with. The Captain was nice, but coolly professional. I remember thinking that he had sad eyes, and I wondered what made them that way. I remember thinking those eyes probably saw more than any person should ever have to deal with. He explained to me that my new partner was out on the field, and that he would introduce me to him as soon as he got back. He walked swiftly out of his office, me trailing nervously behind him clutching a small box with my books and a few photo frames for my new desk. He walked me to a desk, empty except for the tall thin man sitting on it with his back to me, his head bent over a case file.
"John" the captain said. "Meet Olivia Benson, our newest member at SVU."
I put my little box on the desk. The man turned to face me. "John Munch, it's nice to meet you Olivia" he said as he shook my hand firmly. "Stay away from the coffee, it's horrible" he added with a slight grin. I liked him immediately.
"You'll soon realise detective Munch is our resident cynic." The captain said.
John Munch smirked in reply then turned his attention back to the case file he was reading.
I wanted to say something witty, to sound smart and completely at ease. My thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of two men in the squad room, talking and laughing. The first was medium height and slender with sandy coloured hair and a wide almost boy like grin. The second was dark, tall and muscular with broad shoulders. By the time they reached us, they stopped laughing.
"Cassidy, Stabler" the captain said "Meet Olivia Benson, our newest detective and your new partner Stabler."
The way the shorter man smiled at me made me think he would be Detective Stabler, my new partner. He stepped towards me.
"Hi Olivia" he said. "I'm Brian Cassidy, it's really nice to meet you! I hope you have a good time working with us."
I was a bit surprised. "Nice to meet you Brian" I said instead. "I'm really looking forward to my job here" I replied with a smile.
The tall dark haired man said "Hello I'm Elliot". He sounded vaguely distant. He gripped my hand firmly and at the same time that the scent of sandalwood and soap filled my nostrils I noticed that he had icy blue eyes. "Olivia" I said and smiled. He smiled back briefly. For a second his face changed. The icy blue of his eyes could have been the sky on a warm day and his eyes crinkled kindly. A deep dimple appeared in one of his cheeks. He was beautiful.
He removed his big warm hand from my grip and the moment disappeared. A second later Captain Cragen sent me on my first case, and I did not have the time to dwell on the distant way my new partner treated me.
I cannot help replaying this moment over and over in my head, as I've done for the past twelve years. What if in the moment I met Elliot, I walked away? What if I transferred to homicide, or narcotics? What if I never saw his blue eyes or beautiful smile? The question that haunts me beyond everything else the biggest "what if" of them all is: what if I never loved Elliot Stabler? Loving Elliot was something I never had any control over. When I first realised I loved him it was not a dramatic moment, it wasn't an epiphany or a revelation. It was in my second year of working with him, when I saw him talking to the 3 year old boy of a rape homicide victim. The tenderness in his face when he held the boy made my heart ache. As a child I dreamt about a man one day coming to rescue and marry me. I dreamt of a strong and kind man, as I knew no kindness from men. If, 5 year old me were to be confronted with a photo of Elliot's face, I would have chosen him as my prince.
If I never loved Elliot, I would not be in this much pain right now…..
For the better part of 8 years, the thin golden band on Elliot's left hand drew a big untouchable circle around him. A circle I knew I could never cross. I loved hearing about his beautiful children, and I loved each and every one of them, as they brought more of Elliot into the world. Seeing Kathy was hard. How I envied the fact that this amazing man was all hers, that she was the reason why he worked so hard, and that she was the one to whom he went home. On the night Elliot told me Kathy was leaving him, my heart almost broke into a million pieces when I saw the tears in his eyes, the pain in his voice but yet, I felt excited and hopeful for the first time in 8 years. I thought at last our flirting and lingering touches might start to mean something. How wrong I was.
I remember the day Elliot told me Kathy was pregnant. The knowledge that he went back to her was like a white hot rod straight through my heart, but like with everything else life threw at me, I somehow coped with it. I even tried to make friends with Kathy. I remember the dreadful day I drove her to her last doctor's appointment like yesterday. After I woke from that crash I thought she was dead. I did everything within my power to save her, and I'm glad I did. As I held the hand of the woman Elliot loved, I knew saving her was something I did for him. When she went into labour in the ambulance I wished it was Elliot at her side, not me. When I held his son in my arms and saw the blue of his eyes, Elliot's eyes, staring back at me the only thing I wished for was that he was mine. That I was the woman who gave birth to the Elliot's beautiful baby boy.
Six months passed before I noticed a change in Elliot's behaviour. He would stay at the precinct later and later, and whenever Kathy called he would tell me to tell her he was out on the field. I sensed that something was up, but knew my partner better than to ask what was wrong. I knew that Elliot would only talk when he was ready. It wasn't until the morning I noticed that he wasn't wearing his wedding band any more. I've never seen him without it, not even when Kathy left the first time. Being the top detective he was he saw me looking.
"I left Kathy" he said. "This time it's for real."
"Elliot" I said "What happened? I thought you worked things out?"
"She cheated on me. I've been suspecting it for a while. I went home earlier than usual last week and I caught them in the act."
"Elliot that's terrible" I said.
"We weren't good for each other anymore. I only stayed because of the children, but I realised we are not doing them any favours by raising them in a home where the love died many years ago. I did love Kathy Liv, but something changed these past few years."
With that he walked away. Things between us started changing then. I would catch him staring at me; he would touch me more and come to my house more often. A week after his divorce was finalised, he kissed me for the first time. We were working late, just me and him in the squad room. The case really got to me. Elliot, who knew me better than anybody else, saw it a mile away. I got up to pour us more coffee.
"Are you okay Liv?" Elliot asked.
I shrugged. "yeah El, im fine"
I said. Although I tried to downplay my emotions my voice cracked on the word fine. That's when Elliot stood up and walked over. I tried to protest but he wrapped his arms tightly around me, cradling me against his strong chest, not saying a word. I have no idea how long we stood like that. When I finally untangled myself from his arms, I looked down, afraid of looking in his eyes.
"Liv" he said as he turned my face towards his. "Look at me."
I looked up, and he was close enough for me to count the colours in his eyes. I saw the dusting of freckles on his nose, and the fine lines around his eyes. My heart felt as if it stopped. I forgot to breathe.
He stroked my cheek with his thumb, his other hand caressing my neck. Before I could think, before I could do anything my eyes closed and I turned my lips toward his. He kissed my left cheek and then my right. He softly kissed each of my eyelids. He gently rubbed his thumb over my bottom lip. Just before I couldn't take it anymore he bent down and softly kissed my mouth. His lips were warm and soft and he tasted like peppermint. In that moment the world fell away from under my feet. I'm sure I would have drifted away if it weren't for his strong arms keeping me upright. What started as a soft kiss quickly became more. In this moment there was nothing between us anymore. I felt naked and vulnerable and hopeful at the same time. This time it was going to be different for me. I would give Elliot my heart and soul, trusting him not to break it.
This moment is the next" what if" in my mind? What if I never kissed him? If I never loved Elliot I might be whole right now, but if I never loved Elliot, I would have known nothing. I would not have known how his peppermint breath tastes in my mouth, how hot his breath feels against my cheeks. I would not have known gentle his rough hands can be on my skin.
From this moment we became inseparable. I transferred to homicide and El stayed at SVU...
What happens next? I will update soon! Please please review! :)