Note: NONE of these characters are Self-Inserts! ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THEM are based off of real people. So everyone can relax now and enjoy a story about a bunch of completely fictional characters bordering on brain dead.

In the never-ending war between werewolves and vampires, battles for supremacy are scattered all across the globe! One such tales involves men, women, vampires and werewolves as they fight for control of the most important street in a rural suburb in all of Colorado.

This is their tale.

Werewolves:

Tank: The leader

Rex:

Hawk: Medic

Chip:

Vampires:

Maxwell: Leader

Charles: Medic

Sophia

Claire

Werewolves: Episode 1: Budget Cuts

Werewolf Base: In the sewers. Pretty dark and dank place, Smells bad too..... THANK GOD they finally invested in some air fresheners..... Place is like a freaking damp maze down there..... The werewolves clothes don't look much better.....

Rex: (Comes storming into their base) All right! Which one of you num-nuts drank all my Apple Juice?!

Tank: Num-nuts? I thought you were the one who lost all feeling below the belt after that little incident with that stray silver bullet.

Rex: SHUT UP! I want to know who drank all my Apple Juice!

Hawk: Uh, just a thought... but... maybe you DRANK IT.

Rex: Are you telling me I drank seven bottles of apple juice in the last seven hours?

Hawk: Are you telling me that you interrupted an important staff meeting over our next plan against the vampires because of apple juice?

Rex: I... Er... No..... But..... Hey wait! You guys are having a staff meeting without me?!

Tank: We told chip to go get you.....

(Everyone looks at chip who's playing video games in the corner)

Chip: Er... I did look for him! But..... You know..... This place is so big I got lost.

Hawk: .....Rex's room is right next door to this room idiot.

Chip:.... Still pretty easy to get lost.....

Rex: (whispers) Moron.... (Ahem) Anyways, what's our latest plan?

Tank: Well, what we're planning now is a sneak attack into the enemy base.

Rex: You mean that huge ass mansion at the end of the street?

Tank: Yeah... The huge ass mansion at the end of the street.

Chip: You know, I still don't understand why the vampires get a mansion above ground while were stuck living in the sewers.....

Hawk: Well, for starters, the vampires can afford it. They've got the most advanced weapons and technology that money can buy. So naturally they have all the money they need to set up a billion dollar mansion in the middle of a Colorado suburb.

Rex: And that in itself makes perfect sense.....

Hawk: Hey, I never said the vampires were smart, I just said they had shit loads more money than us.

Tank: No crap. I've seen them wear a pair of underwear once and then through it away! I'm still wearing the same goddamn underwear I was wearing last Friday!

Chip: Dude..... It's Thursday now.

Tank: No shirt Sherlock.

Hawk: And why were you watching the Vampire's undergarment habits?

Rex: Excuse me! But what the hell happened to all our money?

Tank: SOMEBODY blew it all on Yu-gi-oh trading cards.

(Everyone looks at chip)

Chip: What?..... Ah, hell no! Don't even think of putting this one on me! I'm not the one who needed to buy that whole Sherley Temple's greatest hits collection.

(Everyone looks at Hawk)

Hawk:..... What?! It was a limited time offer!

Tank: (Turns to Rex) In hind site..... It was probably a bad idea to get cable down here....

Rex: At least we shouldn't have subscribed for the Home Shopping Network.

Hawk: .....but they shined just like real diamonds!!

Tank: Alright guys..... Settle down. I see now, that were going to have to do something about our current budget crisis if we intend to move ahead with our next attack plan.

Rex: So what are we going to do?

Chip: Blame Bush for the economical recession?

Everyone:.....

Chip: What?

Tank: (sigh) No..... We're going to have to implement operation 'Fast Cash.'

Everyone: (GASP)

Hawk: You can't be serious!

Rex: Has it really come down to this?

Chip: Uh, what was operation 'Fast Cash?' 'Cause I don't think I was paying attention during that staff meeting.....

Tank: (sigh) I'm afraid it really has come down to this.

Hawk: The question is whom do we sacrifice?

Everyone:.....

Tank: A decision this important can only be solved one way..... (Deep breath)..... ONETWOTHREE NOT IT!!!

Chip: Not it!

Hawk: Not it!

Rex: wha...ah! Not it!..... Ah, crap.....

Tank: So it's settled then. Rex.... We'll always remember you for your sacrifice.

Rex: Oh %&# you...

(The next day on the 4th of Elm and Madison)

Rex: (Sigh) Welcome to Rusty Burger, home of the best burgers in all of Colorado, I'm Buffard T. Rex, can I take your order.

Chip: So this was operation 'Fast Cash?' One of us has to get a job?

Tank: It's a sad, sad thing..... But desperate times call for desperate measures.....

Hawk: But I got to say, Rex is looking pretty sharp in that yellow polo shirt and pointed green hat.

Rex: I'm so going to get you dip-shits for this.

Chip: You might want to straighten your name tag 'Buffart'

Rex: Shut idiot! It's just a typo!

Chip: (Snickers) Whatever you say 'Buffart'

Hawk: So how long is he going to be here?

Tank: Until our cash reserves fill up again.

Hawk: Hmm, Interesting.... Want another fry?

Tank: Don't mind if I help myself.

Chip: So dude..... Where's my happy meal toy?

Rex:..... I'm going to kill you.

How long must the Werewolves wait until their cash supply is refueled? What are the vampires planning mean time? Will Rex ever find out who stole all of his apple juice? Are JLo and Ben Affleck really over? Well, the answer it the last question is of course YES. But stay tuned next time in our Vampire episode: Purple Bat Down.