Ilse stood before Moritz's grave, clutching a bunch of purple summer flowers. She had waited for the others to leave, planning her timing so that she would have some time alone before the gravediggers came to finish filling in the grave.
Moritz, sleepy Moritz with his crazy hair. Jumpy Moritz, who had been so afraid when she took her stockings off at the bridge on a sunny day long ago and had played pirates. Dead Moritz. Gone forever.
A single tear slid down her face. Ilse scrubbed angrily at it with her sleeve. There. See what you did? You made me cry. You know how I hate to cry.
It wasn't true, actually. It wasn't so much that Ilse hated crying; it was more that she was afraid once she started she'd never be able to stop, that all those years of pain would come rushing out.
No, Ilse told herself. Forget all of that. She returned to Moritz.
You were stupid, Moritz Stiefel. Killing yourself just because you hurt. You can't just stick a gun in your mouth, that won't do anything. You have to keep fighting! I've been fighting for... maybe ten years? I'm not trying to be mean, Moritz. I just don't know why you would go and leave us.
Well, maybe I do know. I know what pain is. I never told you about what went on in my house. It wasn't just beating, Moritz. That pain goes away. My father hurt me in a way that I don't think will ever stop hurting.
Do you know why I asked you to come with me that night, Moritz? Why I kept asking even when you told me no? I thought if anyone in the world could stop the pain it would be you. Dammit, Moritz! I thought maybe if, just once, someone who I loved touched me the way my father did every single night what he did wouldn't matter. That the goodness of you would kill all the sin he put into me.
But you're dead. You killed yourself. You could have stayed! But you didn't. You could have swum in the river and played games with Melchior and smiled that smile at me and picked purple summer on the hill and made me forget.
You could have saved me.
Ilse finally tossed the flowers into Moritz's grave. She started to leave, then turned back, looking once more at the place where the only human she had ever truly loved lay.
And maybe I could have ended up saving you, too.