Circular Reasoning

She was there for me.

I think I hate waiting in a hospital more than I hated being a patient in one.

She was there for me every day because assisting me was her job.

I wonder if this is how my friends and colleagues felt when I was in surgery? I wonder if this is how she felt? I hope not because I want to flee. I wonder if she ever felt this way? I doubt it because she was there for me.

She was there for me every day because assisting me was her job and when I wasn't able to do my job, she wasn't able to do hers.

She was there for me, by my side from the moment I woke up until, three months later, I was ready to return to my job.

She is here now because assisting me in my job was no longer satisfying to her.

She is here now because assisting me in my job was no longer satisfying to her and she asked to do more.

She is here now because I sent her to Gaza. I sent her with the congressional delegation.

I sent her to Gaza to represent the Whitehouse and she went willingly.

She's here because of a heinous act of violence.

No.

She's here because I sent her on the CODEL.

I told her I was sending her so that she could report back to me on what she had seen.

I didn't read the numerous e-mails she sent me because I didn't need her to be my witness. I got all the information I needed in daily briefs from people with much greater access in meetings and with superior insight into the intricacies Israeli-Palestinian politics.

I sent her because I wanted her to feel important. I wanted her to feel valuable.

I sent her because I was selfish.

She had always wanted to be challenged in her work. Though I honestly always thought she enjoyed being my assistant, I knew from very early on that she would always push herself… and me.  She was brave and daring and nagged me as early as our second year in the Whitehouse about wanting to make "a substantive contribution".

Last year, she had joked about, were she to die, it would probably be with me and she would be listed in news reports as "…and also dead, Diane Moss".

She was wrong.

Though newspapers across the globe listed the dead first - and first amongst the dead being the esteemed Admiral Percy Fitzwallace - they listed her as "Donatella Moss, Special Representative of President Josiah Bartlet and Senior Assistant to Deputy Chief of Staff Joshua Lyman"

If she ever got to read it, I hope she would be happy to know that they got her name right. They even added to her title. They didn't add that she was only on the CODEL to send me e-mail that I didn't plan on reading, anyway.

I'm here in this hospital because I don't know where else I should be. I'm here because I think I can fix things, including her, if I could. I'm a compulsive fixer, says Leo, because I'm worried about everyone around me dieing.

Not everyone around me is dies. Just Joanie.

And my dad.

And very nearly the President of the United States.

And maybe her. Please not her.

I sent her to Gaza because I was selfish.

I sent her to Gaza because I was afraid that she would leave me.

I sent her to Gaza to make her feel valuable enough so that she would stay with me.

She went to Gaza because of me.

She was there for me every day.

She was there for me.