Someone once said: "It's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time." But me... I just wanna live a life I'm gonna remember. Even if I don't write it down.

Chapter one

It wasn't working. No matter how hard she tried it just wasn't working. She believed that she loved him, she truly did, but she just couldn't shake the feeling that she was in fact lying to herself that she was happy in this relationship. And this irritated her to no end because she had had such high expectations.

It had been about four months since she had decided to give Finn another chance; after her latest failed relationship with a certain egotistical heartbreaker she had turned to Finn in hopes he might help her forget that particular error in judgement. Thinking of that time with him as a relationship however, seemed somewhat ill fitting considering how blatantly obvious it was just exactly why he had suddenly come into her life at that specific time.

After it ended she had gone over it in her head more times than she'd care to admit and all thoughts led back to one person: Shelby Corcoran.

The timing was just too suspicious to be a mere coincidence. First he came into her life, gained her trust and convinced her to go searching for the woman that gave her life. Then directly after she had come face to face with her (in a rather suitably dramatic meeting Rachel thought) he had left. It all became clear to Rachel that he had completed his task and there was no longer any need for him to be slumming with her. Why would he when he could go back to his much more prestigious show choir where he was worshipped, treated like a celebrity? Given the same opportunity she's not sure she would stick around at McKinley with its daily ridicule and slushy facials for very long either (not that she would admit that to any of the kids in glee club). And if his rejection wasn't bad enough, her birth mother then decided she didn't want Rachel either. So yeah, it wasn't the best week she's ever had. Of course upon finding out about Jesse's betrayal (it was comforting to her that she now only felt mild annoyance when she thought this name, rather than she stabbing pain she felt not so many months ago) all of New Directions had assumed he had played her in order to crush them at Regional's. Rachel wasn't that naïve, she knew that Vocal Adrenaline were better than them. As much as she tried to encourage her team members and instil confidence that they were just as good, if not better, she knew the truth. It was to be expected of course; Vocal Adrenaline had a much more experienced coach, better facilities and a ludicrously indulgent budget. Although she was confident that her talent and ability as the female lead of her club matched that of Jesse, she knew that New Directions with their limited number of members and poorly choreographed routines were just not good enough to beat them. Even though she agreed that her team possessed the heart and raw emotion that Mr. Schuester was always rambling on about, she knew that heart doesn't win singing competitions. Talent, star quality and a perfectly constructed performance does; and they just weren't on the same level as Vocal Adrenaline. Once she had realised all of this it became clear that his motivation for using her lay elsewhere; from there on it didn't take a genius to connect the dots. Whether he knew about Shelby's uncaring and insensitive decision to immediately abandon Rachel after forcing her way into her daughter's life was a mystery to her.

As much as Jesse had hurt her by deceiving her and then humiliating her by egging her in the parking lot that fateful day, Rachel had long since moved on from harbouring feelings of hatred towards him. She understood the egging was his need to prove his loyalty to his team. In fact, the familiar feeling that she may be at risk of losing her spotlight was enough to make Rachel realise she wouldn't have acted all that differently, were she ever in the same situation.

When it came to performing, she was selfish. She knew that, he knew that and she's pretty sure everyone else in glee club knows that too.

The only difference was that unlike the kids in glee, he understood. He understood that Rachel was overly self-confident (when it came to her talent that is), incredibly melodramatic and she wouldn't let anything or anyone get in the way of her and her dreams. If this meant destroying anyone that posed a threat to her then so be it (as much as she assured everyone she did, she still couldn't bring herself to feel guilty about sending that Sunshine girl to a crack house earlier this year). To most, these would not seem like the most attractive qualities in a person, but to him they were, because he was Jesse St. James and he was exactly the same. In theory they would have made a great couple, with them being so strikingly similar and part of her wonders how things would have played out had they been given a real chance. Unfortunately their whole relationship was one big lie, to him at least, an acting exercise whereas Rachel played the part of the clueless casualty. She was just another person for him to step on, on his way to the top. As much as it hurt that he never really had any feelings for her at all, the pain was nothing compared to what she felt after the abandonment of her estranged birth mother.

She had been used to feeling rejection since a young age and she never really let it faze her, always keeping in mind that she would have to get used to rejection in the career she had chosen for herself. But all the preparation in the world wasn't enough to protect her from how she felt when she was rejected by her own mother. A mother's love is supposed to be unconditional, that's what they always say right? Shelby hadn't wanted Rachel and as quickly as she had decided that, she was gone. She quit her job at Carmel High after she led Vocal Adrenaline to they're 4th consecutive National title, and if that wasn't enough of a slap in the face she adopted the spawn of Rachel's prime tormentor. That hurt more than anything. It wasn't that Shelby didn't want to be a mother; she just didn't want to be her mother. It was hard enough always feeling second best to Quinn Fabray at school and in her relationships. First Finn had chosen Quinn over Rachel, then Puck had (though she hadn't cared as much about Puck but it was still annoying) and even Mr. Shuester was giving her more solo's lately when it was obvious Quinn didn't have the talent to carry a song by herself. She never expected her own mother would do the exact same thing and choose Quinn's unwanted baby over Rachel. Being discarded like that, without any sign of remorse from Shelby had been agony. The one person she had always longed for since as long as she could remember had walked out of her life without so much as a second glance and that had sent Rachel into a never ending spiral of despair. Her fathers had insisted she see a therapist twice a week.

Once she had cried all her tears (or at least those that she'll admit to) and picked herself up off her bedroom floor for the first time in three days; along came a welcome distraction in the form of one Finn Hudson. He told her he loved her and she decided that without National's, school or anything else to work towards for the next few months, focusing her energy into a new relationship was exactly what she needed.

And now, just over four months after embarking on her new and improved (or so she hoped at the time) relationship with Finn, Rachel is sitting in her bedroom wondering how it all went wrong.

Please be patient for Jesse! There's some stuff that needs to be expressed before he can make his appearance. I'll try not to leave you hanging for too long!

Remember to review if you want chapter two

xoxo zoellaa