Title: Worlds Greatest Father
Pairing: Zoro x Sanji
Rating: PG - 13
Summary: Zoro and Sanji eat a mysterious fruit on an island and Zoro ends up pregnant.
Warning: mPreg but NOT crack. I'd like to think it's a more serious, believable story.
Notes: This is a collaboration with seraphinhunter on LJ which we started over a year ago and then kind of forgot about but, after digging around and cleaning up some files, I found and finished up. I'd like to thank my awesome beta over on LJ poutergeist for the read through and corrections.
The Straw Hats had stopped at a small, uninhabited island for an emergency supply restock, a task that would usually take only a couple of hours but was now going on seven. Sanji swore, only Zoro could take such a simple task as gathering food and blow it so fantastically out of proportion that it turned into rocket science. Why did the stupid Marimo always have to get lost on every single island that they ever landed on?
Sanji had been searching for the swordsman ever since he had realized the man was missing. He knew if he didn't get a head start on finding Zoro the crew would never be able to leave before nightfall. He had been trudging aimlessly through the massive jungle all afternoon, forging a path in the thick foliage and the heat was starting to get to him. He had left his suit jacket and tie back on the ship but the humidity of the island still made his clothes hot and sticky and just a little too uncomfortable. He rolled up his sleeves and wished he had thrown on a pair of cutoffs instead of the stuffy dress pants that were currently chafing his thighs as he walked.
Sanji had passed several lush trees that bore exotic fruits the likes of which he had never seen before. A small grin made it to his lips as he thought of new interesting dishes that he could definitely whip up with one of those. The grin twisted into a sneer as he realized he couldn't stop to gather anything until he found the marimo. He had yet to find a single sign of the swordsman but he knew when he found the man he was going to kill him. Murder him in cold blood right on the spot. He was sure he could make up some excuse for Luffy.
Every step Sanji took, he cursed Zoro's name. When he ran out of words he invented some more, things that would make even the most hardened sailor blush. To say that Sanji was pissed would be the biggest understatement of the century. All they had needed was a little extra food, just enough to tide the crew over until they reached the next port, but then Zoro had to turn it into one giant game of hide and seek. Sanji was beginning to think this whole getting lost thing was all just an act, some big elaborate scheme to infuriate him but then shook the thought from his head.
"I must be getting heat stroke if I think the idiot's smart enough to piece together a plan like that," Sanji muttered.
Suddenly, there was a loud rustling of leaves to his right and he halted, his body tensing, ready for a fight as he trained his eyes on the spot he had thought the noise came from. He waited, listening hard, waiting to hear it again. The sound of foliage being jostled got louder and along with it there was a familiar mumble of "I know I've seen that tree before..."
Zoro pushed through the thick bushes onto the small path Sanji had been making and threw some kind of core to the ground before wiping at his mouth with the back of his wrist. He glanced around, looking for a familiar landmark to guide him back to the ship.
"Oi, shithead." Zoro's head snapped in the direction he heard the voice come from. He came face to face with a very irritated cook, red-faced from anger and heat. Zoro smirked at him.
"Oi, Shitty Cook, you lost?"
Sanji let out a scream of rage. The sole of his shoe connected hard with Zoro's face and the man flew back from the force of it, hitting a large tree. He slid down the trunk and glared up at Sanji whose face was deepening to a dark crimson color. Zoro was no doctor but he was practically certain that if Sanji got any angrier his head might actually detonate.
"You're the one who's lost, shithead! Where the fuck have you been? I've spent half the day looking for you!" Sanji belatedly noticed the discarded core lying on the ground. "And you ate something? You know you're not supposed to touch anything until we're sure it's okay! For all you know that thing could be poisonous!"
"Since when do you care what I do? And besides, I feel fine. There's nothing wrong with the fruit." Zoro said pulling himself up and dusting dirt from his pants. Sanji knelt down and picked up the core by its stem and held the object away from him as though it had offended him in some way.
"It's blue." Sanji, with his nose scrunched up disgustedly, looked at Zoro like he was an idiot.
"What does it matter what color it is? 'Sides, they're good. Here, try one." Zoro pulled another one of the strange fruits from his haramaki. He tossed it to Sanji who caught it with skillful hands and held it in front of him, examining it for any sign of danger. It was blue, baby blue to be more exact, and perfectly round. The skin was very shiny, practically glowing, and felt smooth like an apple. He bit into it cautiously, still not completely convinced that the thing was safe. He chewed slowly, studying the taste.
"Hm, not bad." he said as he swallowed, taking a much larger bite.
"Told you." Zoro crossed his arms and looked away. Juice was starting to dribble down Sanji's chin and Zoro couldn't help but want to lick it off except he was trying to be pissed at the man for kicking him in the face and licking him was definitely not an angry gesture.
Sanji made short work of the mystery fruit and then chucked the core at Zoro's head. "Did you pick any more of these?" he asked, looking at the swordsman doubtfully, "We should probably bring a couple back for Chopper to check out, just to be sure." Zoro produced five more from his haramaki, three of them were blue, like the one he had just eaten, and the other two were pink.
Zoro rolled his eyes holding the fruit out to the chef. "You worry too much. Nothing's gonna happen." Instead of taking the offering however, Sanji turned on his heel and waved for the swordsman to follow him on the path he had created earlier.
"Always the pack mule", Zoro thought as he trailed after the man, following Sanji's swaying hips with his eyes.
By the time they got back to the Sunny the sun was already setting. Nami began screaming at Zoro the second he climbed onboard.
"Because of you, we are now half a day behind schedule! I'm doubling your interest." Her arms were crossed as she glared at Zoro, silently daring him to argue. They stood there for almost a minute, eyes locked in a silent battle, before Zoro turned away and muttered something about a 'sea-witch' under his breath. He walked over to Chopper and dumped his find in front of the doctor. The tiny reindeer immediately set to work; testing for toxins or anything else that could be potentially harmful to the crew if ingested. Zoro plopped down against the ship railing and immediately fell asleep.
"Sanji, go make dinner. Now. If you don't I'm afraid Luffy will finally eat Usopp." The cook followed Nami's gaze to where it landed on a very hungry Luffy gnawing on the sharpshooter's arm. Usopp, who was mixing chemicals, easily ignored the slobbering beast that was his captain, obviously used to it.
"Hai, Nami-swan!" Sanji cried as he rushed into the galley to quickly prepare a delicious dinner that would hopefully appease his captain.
After dinner the usual fighting broke out. Sanji snapped at Zoro, alerting the man he was on dish duty and Zoro growled back telling the cook he could do the damn dishes by himself. Nami didn't understand why they even bothered to have this fight anymore. They'd been going through the same lines almost every night. The whole crew knew it was a big charade designed to get everyone out of the galley. They all knew what the two men did together when the "fighting" stopped. Still though, for some reason, they felt like they needed to put on some big show as though they might be fooling someone. Well, it might fool Luffy or maybe Chopper but everyone else had figured it out long ago.
Robin and Nami swiftly left the galley after politely offering to assist with the dishes. Sanji predictably declined, saying such lovely ladies should not have to lift a single delicate finger. They both knew why Sanji really refused though, both seeing the look he gave Zoro when he thought no one was watching.
Luffy and Chopper followed Usopp out, completely engrossed in his newest tale of his one of his big adventures on the high seas in which he saved a beautiful maiden from the gang of unruly pirates who had kidnapped her. Franky and Brook left soon after that, not wanting the little act to turn into an actual fight. It had happened once before when they hadn't left the galley quickly enough. The forced fighting had quickly escalated with all the unreleased tension and Sanji ended up kicking the swordsman through the wall of the galley, leaving a big, Zoro-sized hole behind. Franky was furious at the damage being done to the ship and Nami screeched about paying for damages. After that little incident, everyone learned to take the hint.
The shouts and screams heard from the galley slowly settled down and soon the sharp twist of a lock being turned was heard. Nami figured in an hour or so they'd both emerge sweaty and grinning wide, trying to act like they were pissed off at each other but the crew knew the insulting names were really just terms of endearment. They knew the kick and punches were really just their twisted form of flirting.
Nami wished they'd just admit it already. Everyone knew they were together, it couldn't be any more obvious.
A week later, the Thousand Sunny docked at the next port town and the crew quickly restocked food supplies before being chased out of town by an angry mob. Apparently Luffy had literally inhaled half the food in the market and the shop keepers were not happy. Luffy just laughed and energetically waved goodbye to the furious villagers.
Nami sat at the galley table explaining how they would reach the next island while Franky, Brook and Usopp all listened. Zoro had fallen asleep, head propped up on one hand and snoring. Luffy sat next to him, trying to understand the navigator as she dumbed everything down for him but he was too distracted trying to sneak a bite of the lunch Sanji was cooking.
Suddenly, the door swung open and Chopper stepped in followed by Robin. Chopper was acting a little strangely, Sanji noticed. He kept sniffing the air with an odd expression making the blonde slightly self-conscious, wondering if perhaps the tiny reindeer thought his food smelled bad.
"Uh, Sanji? You and Zoro didn't eat any of that fruit you found last week, did you?" Chopper asked with a nervous smile. Sanji didn't like where this was going. Damnit! He had told the swordsman it was a bad idea. Now they were probably both dying of some incurable disease or something and it was all Zoro's fault, the bastard.
"Yeah...", he replied cautiously, "But I only had one." Sanji added a little defensively. "I don't know how much the Marimo had."
Robin smiled then. "One is all it takes. Tell me cook-san, the night you consumed the fruit, was it you or swordsman-san who bottomed?"
The color drained from Sanji's face before returning full force. He gaped at her, words failing him. Chopper stepped forward hurriedly trying to explain everything.
"I was sure I had seen them somewhere before so, with Robin's help, we looked through all my medical texts until we found it. The ninshin fruit was a very popular fertility method years ago. Parents who were having a tough time conceiving traveled to that island to eat the fruit. It was a surefire way to get pregnant, even with women who previously could not bear children. Also, both parents had to eat it or else it wouldn't work. I'm sure you noticed that there were both pink and blue fruits. Well, that determines the baby's gender. Blue for boys and pink for girls. Isn't that interesting Sanji?" Chopper laughed anxiously, peering up at Sanji under the brim of his hat.
"Wh-what does that have to do with me?" The blonde asked, eyeing the tiny doctor suspiciously.
"Something strange began happening though." Robin continued from where Chopper left off. "There were reports of men becoming pregnant all throughout the Grand Line and the World Government put a ban on the ninshin fruit, rendering the buying, selling, and consumption of it illegal. Upon further investigation, scientists found that these men had eaten the fruit and had sex with another man who had also eaten it. They discovered that the male pregnancies were much shorter than a female's, lasting only about three months. Since the man was not designed for child-bearing their bodies forced the baby to develop much faster."
"R-Robin-chan?" Sanji's eyes were wide, his body trembling minutely.
"They also found out the man who bottomed ended up impregnated with a child, the fruit is that powerful, which leads me back to my previous question. Who bottomed cook-san?"
All eyes were on Sanji who swallowed hard, his adam's apple bobbing as he lifted his hand to point a shaky finger at the sleeping swordsman, speech failing him. Chopper slowly walked towards Zoro, nose in the air sniffing loudly.
"Well?" Robin asked, a small knowing smile on her face.
Chopper nodded. "He is. I can smell it." He said quietly. "I'll have to run some other tests to be sure but, um, Sanji?" He turned to the cook who was gripping the edge of the counter in an attempt to remain upright. "Congratulations! You're going to be a father!" False excitement painted his voice as Sanji's legs gave out on him. He slid down the counter and just stared at Zoro from the floor.
Luffy jumped up on the table and started dancing. "WOOHOO! I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE!"
The captain's excited shout roused Zoro from his sleep. He noticed Sanji on the floor, pale as a ghost, muttering to himself. He realized the crew was staring at him and he took in their shocked expressions. They all looked kind of sick. Maybe they ate something funny. He jerked a thumb in Sanji's direction and looked questioningly at the others.
"Oi, did I miss something?"
Luffy continued to dance.
"I am not having this conversation and I am not having your baby." Zoro's roar shook the Thousand Sunny.
"It was your idea to get lost on that shitty island and eat those damned fruits in the first place!" Sanji screamed back. "And you are going to have that baby."
Unfortunately for Sanji, Zoro wasn't listening anymore. Instead he was gripping his ears and yelling over the man.
"None of this matters anyways. This is all just some fucked up dream and any minute now I'm going to wake up and-"
"Umm", Chopper squeaked, one hoof tugging at Zoro's shirt, the other holding a positive pregnancy test, "Zoro, you aren't dreaming."
Zoro's eyes went wide, he staggered back and then his whole world went black. He awoke shortly to Sanji worriedly questioning Chopper. "What if the baby got hurt when he fell? Why did you have to be so... blunt?"
"Shut it," Zoro growled and sat up. "It doesn't matter since I'm not having the baby."
"It's my baby too!" Sanji snarled as Chopper clung to his leg, trying desperately to hold the angry cook back.
"I'm going to be an uncle!" Luffy voice floated over to them. He was standing atop the figure head, throwing his hat again and again up into the air and dancing like the mad man he was.
Luffy's determination shut them all up then. It always did.
In the end, Zoro was forced to sleep on a mattress Franky brought up from the storeroom below deck, "Because you might fall off your hammock when we go through heavy weather and that could really hurt the baby, Zoro." Chopper's simple explanation still stung worse than any humiliation he had ever suffered before. For the first time in his life, Zoro felt genuinely angry with the small doctor. He would be fine in his hammock. He didn't need to "be safe" because Roronoa Zoro, the soon to be greatest swordsman in the world, was not going to give birth to a child. It just couldn't happen. Even if he did go through with the pregnancy nothing good would come of it. A baby couldn't survive very well on a pirate ship, even if it were the child of two inhumanly strong men like Zoro and Sanji.
When Zoro did nothing but stand with his arms crossed and stare at Chopper blocking his way to the bed, the little doctor had morphed himself into heavy point and then jumped into Zoro's hammock, tearing it to shreds. Zoro sighed angrily and flopped onto the mattress in the corner of the boys' cabin. Feeling the tense air in the room clear, the rest of the boys clambered up into their beds save for Luffy who was still on deck celebrating his "new nakama to be".
Zoro twisted and turned on his mattress, trying to find a more comfortable position. It had been a long time since he'd slept in anything but a hammock. When Zoro had settled with his left hand beneath his head and his other curled around his waist, he looked up, feeling eyes on him.
Sanji's was peering at Zoro from over the edge of his hammock. Zoro sneered. He could practically feel Sanji staring at his… belly. Fuck.
"Stop the sulking, aho-cook," he growled and fought the urge to turn away from disappointed eyes.
"You're the only one sulking, Marimo." Sanji's voice sounded painfully indifferent.
"I said shut it." Zoro turned away then, struggling and cursing his scratchy new blanket. Chopper had ruined his old one.
The sharp click of hooves on wood startled Zoro out of half-sleep. Eyes still closed he mumbled "What do you want, Chopper?"
Zoro didn't get a reply, but an arm full of warm fur instead. "I'm sorry about your hammock," Chopper sniffled and clung to Zoro's arm. Zoro grunted in reply and tugged Chopper closer. He already missed Sanji's blond fringe tickling his neck.
Fuck.
Sanji refused to speak to Zoro until they reached their next destination. Really, Zoro couldn't care less. He just wanted to get this over with and move the fuck on with his life, his training, and his dream.
Early the next morning, before breakfast, Chopper took Zoro into town. The reindeer had told him over and over again, somewhat regrettably, that that all he had to do was swallow the pill, take a long nap and the whole nightmare would be over.
It was that easy.
But still, even though Zoro didn't want to think about it any more than he already had and had more than once fought down the urge to openly approach the stupid cook and just talk about why he couldn't keep the baby there was slight nagging feeling in his brain, telling him he was making the wrong decision. He could read the faint disappointment in each one of his nakama's eyes when he'd declared that there wasn't going to be a baby on the Thousand Sunny and he'd almost changed his mind then, knowing they would always protect the child but he just couldn't do it. He just can't.
"Are you alright?" Chopper asked when they stepped out of the pharmacy. Zoro was clutching a small vial that contained the pill in his left fist.
Zoro nodded and looked down at him. "Yes, I'm-"
"Oi, Zeff!" Sanji's loud voice drifting out from one of the street den den mushi booths made Zoro's head turn. "Can you hear me?"
Zoro grit his teeth and wanted to leave, but Chopper tugged at his hand to hold him back.
"I'm not calling you to tell you that I found the All Blue, shitty old man!" Sanji yelled. His voice sounded rather strained. "Listen, this phone-call is costing me a fortune, so this is going to be short. I need your advice."
Chopper eyes went round like saucers. They both knew there was only one reason aside from All Blue that Sanji would contact his father. Zoro suddenly felt guilty. This was bad. Really, really bad.
"What do you do if you want your- uh, girlfriend to have your-" there was a pause. "baby."
The phone cell shook when Zeff roared something through the line.
"Shut the fuck up! I really need your help! He- I mean she doesn't want the baby and I want-"
Zoro and the few passerby's on the street were very shocked to hear a sudden booming voice through the phone. "He! Don't tell me you two ate the ninshin fruit! I can't believe I raised such an idiot little eggplant!" Zoro watched on as Sanji cringed with embarrassment. Sanji never faltered with his argument though. He didn't show any doubts in what he wanted and for that Zoro respected the man.
"You never told me about the fruit!" Sanji yelled into the receiver. "So what am I going to do about-"
"Nothing, do you understand me? Absolutely nothing! That boy's as stubborn as you are, there's no way he's going to change his mind. Just forget about him and settle down with one of those girls you're always drooling over and have a family that way."
"But I love him you shitty old man!" There was a loud crash and some angry grumbling. Sanji's anger had finally gotten the better of him and he kicked the den den mushi in, putting an abrupt end to the call. He began muttering to himself and walked to the opposite way of the Sunny.
"Come," Chopper tugged at his hand and Zoro was dumbstruck enough to allow the little reindeer to pull him down the street.
After they'd returned to the Thousand Sunny, Chopper had left Zoro on deck. Zoro sat down at his favorite napping place and stared at the darkening sky, brooding over Sanji's words to Zeff. The pill was a heavy weight on his palm. Breakfast was nearly finished being prepared and everyone else was waiting to be served in the galley. The moment Zoro entered, his nakama stared at him. Zoro stared right back. He'd already gotten sick of their concern and, he scowled inwardly, it would only get worse from now on.
"Did you take it yet?" Chopper asked, hesitantly. The whole table looked questioningly at Zoro. Sanji turned his back to them.
Zoro took a deep breath and said as casually as he could, "I'll quit drinking, but only if the shitty cook stops smoking." Zoro walked over to Sanji and jerked his shoulder around forcing the man to face him. Sanji glared at him but his face lit up immediately when he watched Zoro crush the pill in his hand and allow the dusty remains to fall to the floor.
The swordsman was immediately hugged by all his nakama at once, save for Sanji who was leaning back against the sink, wearing a confused, but not quite unhappy, look on his face. He took one final drag on his cigarette and stubbed it out on the bottom of his shoe. He dragged a shaky hand through his bangs and laugher bubbled from his chest.
"We're going to be uncles and aunties," Chopper squealed excitedly over and over again against Zoro's knee.
It took them almost two hours to dislodge Chopper from Zoro's leg.
That night as Zoro was climbing into bed he felt Sanji's gaze on his back. He let out an annoyed sigh and looked over his shoulder. Sure enough, there was Sanji, one leg thrown over his hammock as though he were ready to climb in, staring at him. He had a strange expression on his face that Zoro couldn't quite place. Not quite happy but not quite mad either. He looked almost expectant. Zoro sighed again, this time sounding a little defeated. He slid over to the far side of the mattress and laid down with his back to the blonde. He tucked an arm under his head and slipped the other around the slight swell of his stomach almost protectively.
"Get in if you're gonna." He said shortly, closing his eyes.
There was a tense silence while everyone in the men's quarters looked back and forth between the two men. The crew watched nervously as Sanji slowly walked towards the bed. There was a creaking of springs as the cook sat down on the mattress and settled in next to Zoro without confrontation. Feeling that the air in the room had lifted, the crew breathed a collective sigh of relief and then went back to their previous activities. A little worry remained though, since the two men still hadn't spoken even after the big decision Zoro had made at breakfast.
Sanji wrapped his arm around Zoro's waist, his mind a mess of thoughts. The fact that he was definitely going to be a father still hadn't completely sunk in yet. He knew a lot was going to change and this was going to take a lot of getting used to. When Zeff gave him the whole Birds and the Bees talk, he had obviously left something out. Since when did men get pregnant anyways? The blonde attempted to slide his hand under the off white shirt but Zoro's hand caught his wrist in a tight hold.
"The hell are you doing?" The green haired man growled, turning his head to glare at Sanji.
"Nothing, asshole. Just wanted to feel how our kid is doing." Sanji glared back at Zoro challengingly before suddenly looking away. "I uh-" He stuttered out, eyes fixed on the swordsman's stomach, somewhere he'd been looking an awful lot lately. "Thanks for... y'know-"
"Cook, stop acting like a woman and just go to sleep already." Zoro loosened his grip on the pale wrist and slowly brought the hand under his shirt to rest over his bellybutton. He laid his larger hand on top of Sanji's and closed his eyes. The blonde just chuckled and kicked Zoro's calf lightly, letting his eyes slip shut while he smiled his first real smile in days.
He was going to be a dad.
For the next week or so things had been going well on the Thousand Sunny. It had been relatively calm with Luffy's outbursts kept to a minimum and no marine attacks as of yet. Zoro and Sanji had been getting along better than ever before but, of course, all good things must come to an end. The peace was not meant to last.
Sanji placed breakfast on the table, grumbling under his breath the entire time. He had called everyone to the galley almost five minutes ago and the swordsman still hadn't shown up. The chef had been working hard to create large, healthy meals for the man carrying his child and he had the gall to not show up today. He had even begun serving the food a half an hour later so Zoro could sleep in so he had no excuses for being late. The crew watched Sanji with hidden amusement as he glanced at the door every five seconds. They knew he was getting antsy, and it was always best to eat fast and get out in these types of situations. They watched as Sanji distractedly placed food on the table and then set to work, racing through their meals with fervor on par with Luffy.
Ten minutes after Sanji had served breakfast, Zoro appeared in the galley doorway, his face looking very drawn. He looked as though he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. His eyes had dark circles underneath them and he looked pale, as if his tan had faded away.
Sanji angrily set a plate that he had saved from Luffy in front of Zoro. The swordsman looked down at the eggs and bacon smiley face and frowned back at his plate. Suddenly, his face went greener than his hair. He clamped a hand over his mouth, jumped up, and ran outside, almost tripping over the bench in his haste. Chopper followed quickly with Sanji close on his heels. They found Zoro heaving over the edge of the ship with a white-knuckled grip on the rail. Sanji slid up beside Zoro and placed a hand on his back, rubbing soothing circles while trying to mask the slight look of concern that threatened his features. Chopper immediately went into doctor-mode and began to give orders.
"Sanji, stay with him. I'll go mix something up for his nausea. Try to get him to eat something. Crackers or toast would be good."
Sanji stood with Zoro while he continued to empty his stomach over the ship's rail, feeling a little helpless. He heard the galley door open and the footsteps of the crew as they all came out to check on the swordsman.
"Is Zoro sick?" Luffy asked, sounding a little worried.
Nami rolled her eyes at Luffy. "It's just morning sickness. Don't worry, it happens to all pregnant women. He'll be fine." Luffy's face immediately brightened and he wandered back into the kitchen to eat was left of breakfast.
Zoro swatted Sanji's hand away and carefully lowered himself to the deck, wiping his mouth off with the back of his wrist. His chest heaved slightly and he was even paler than before.
"Usopp, go get some crackers from the cupboard."
"I, the Great Captain Usopp, shall-"
"Just do it." Sanji glared at the sharpshooter who immediately ran off with his tail between his legs. He turned back to Zoro who looked like he was about to puke again. "Chopper's mixing something up for you to help with the sick feeling, so until then," Sanji snatched the crackers from Usopp who had reappeared and was cowering before the chef, "eat some of these."
"M'not hungry." Came the swordsman's reply, exhaustion and strain evident in his hoarse voice.
Before he could argue with the man, Sanji felt a tug at his sleeve. Chopper took the crackers from his hand and walked towards Zoro's form slumped on the deck.
"Help me get him to the infirmary. I'll give him some medicine and then he can rest."
Sanji helped a strangely unresisting Zoro up and followed Chopper who explained that Zoro's pregnancy seemed to be more intense than that of a woman's. His body just wasn't made for it so everything was going to be more extreme; morning sickness, hormones, cravings.
Sanji gulped. Zoro was already moody enough as it was. How bad would it get when the hormones finally set in?
Zoro glared down at his tummy which was now the equivalent of two months pregnant. He was never going to win the title of world's greatest swordsman looking like this. He had tried to train but when Chopper caught him swinging around his massive weights he began screaming at him, saying something about it being too much for the baby. He prohibited Zoro from training any more and had Franky lock up all his equipment. Now Zoro had nothing to do but sit around on the deck all day. Chopper given him some small dumbbells to use but he didn't even bother with them. Compared to the two-thousand pounds he was used to, lifting five pound weights would do nothing for him.
Luffy wandered over to Zoro and plopped down in front of him. "You look bored, Zoro." His captain was well trained in the art of pointing out the obvious.
The green haired man snorted and shut his eyes, attempting to ignore his captain and take a nap. However, Luffy was awfully hard to ignore, especially when he was trying to divest you of your shirt.
"Stop it, Luffy! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Zoro demanded, tucking his shirt back into his haramaki.
The boy cocked his head to the right and looked at the swordsman innocently. "Where do babies come from?"
Zoro felt the heat creep up on his face. He hated when Luffy asked weird questions like this because he never knew how to explain it to the kid.
"Go ask Usopp." It was always easier to send Luffy to someone else because he usually got distracted on the way there and forgot what he was even doing in the first place.
"I already did and he told me to ask you. He said you'd know since you're the one having a baby." Luffy said staring at the growing bump of Zoro's belly. "So, where do they come from Zoro?
Zoro made a mental note to kill Usopp. He closed his eyes and thought for a moment before answering. "They come from your stomach."
Luffy looked horrified. "You ate a baby Zoro? You big meanie! What did a cute little baby ever do to you?"
Zoro sighed. His captain could be so stupid sometimes. "No, Luffy. When you're, y'know, with someone sometimes you have a baby."
"Yeah but, how?" The captain stared wide-eyed at his first mate. Zoro sighed and put his face in his hands. He really didn't want to be having this conversation. He spoke, voice muffled by his fingers.
"Well, you kiss and, um, I don't know," Zoro looked at Luffy, hoping he would just accept his answer, "hold hands?"
"I kiss Nami sometimes, does that mean I'm gonna get pregnant too?"
"I- No. Just don't tell the cook that." Luffy looked like he wanted to ask something else but Sanji's call for lunch rang out across deck and that was the top priority in Luffy's mind.
Zoro let out a sigh of relief. He pushed himself up from the deck and followed Luffy to the galley. He was starving and whatever the cook was making smelled really good. His stomach growled loudly and he laughed, patting it lightly.
"You want some too, eh?" He said, a slight smile on his face. The whole 'I'm having a baby' thing was finally starting to sink in and he thought maybe this wasn't actually so bad.
It was shortly after lunch and Zoro was just drifting off in the galley when Usopp's cry of "MARIIIIIIIINES!" rang from the crows nest. He hopped up, excited since he hadn't had a good fight in what seemed like forever. Sanji wiped his hands on a dishtowel and was leaving the galley when he noticed Zoro moving towards the door.
"No way, Zoro. If you get hit then the baby could get hurt. Just stay here and I'll take care of it."
"Don't fucking tell me what to do. The baby will be fine."
"Dammit, Zoro, why can't you just listen for once?"
Zoro was about to argue back but they heard Nami cry for help and Sanji was out the door. Zoro ran out too and watched the fighting carefully, waiting for an opening when a marine ran by shouting back over his shoulder to him "How's the baby, Roronoa?"
Several female marines' heads whipped around at the mention of the word 'baby' and they abandoned their fights to surround the expecting "mother". They were cooing excitedly, asking things like "When are you due?" and "How far along are you?" Zoro looked around and realized no one was going to fight him. How they even found out about the pregnancy, he wasn't sure but the news had obviously spread fast. He let out an annoyed sigh, pushed the baby-crazed women away, and wandered below deck to take a nap.
Up to this day Zoro had been utterly convinced that losing to Mihawk had been the most humiliating moment of his life.
He'd been wrong.
"It's awesome!" Luffy and Chopper cried in unison.
Sanji was trying to not choke to death on one of the red lollipops he'd started sucking on to keep his mouth occupied since he was no longer smoking. Any other day, Zoro would have laughed his ass off. Today though, he'd rather be the one dying. And really, what kind of lame substitute were lollipops anyway?
"That's so cute, Usopp!" Nami exclaimed, helping the sharpshooter climb back on deck.
"It's super." Franky grinned.
Robin was chuckling as a hand sprouted out of Sanji's back and started smacking him to help dislodge the sucker from his throat.
Zoro imagined what the new sign on the back of the Thousand Sunny would look to passerby ships and cringed.
He desperately wished he could faint again to save himself from this embarrassment.
On a large, diamond-shaped sign that Usopp had created the words 'BABY ON BOARD' had been painted in massive, baby blue letters.
Nami had insisted he make the hideous thing after Sanji told her about the disagreement in the kitchen before their last fight.
"We're going to have a little quiet time since the Marines refuse to attack pirates with kids." Nami said, sounding pleased with herself.
Sanji managed to cough up the hard candy and began laughing even harder than before.
Zoro was still failing at the fainting thing.
"Where's the meat?" Luffy yelled, bursting into the galley whereupon he immediately received a kick to the head.
"Wrong question," Sanji declared, setting a rather large cake down on the table.
"Yeah, that's true. Where's the booze?"
Sanji twitched with suppressed anger. It really had been a mistake to invite Shanks and Ben to the party, although those two had been rather delighted to attend their little baby shower.
"Booze," Zoro's voice sounded strangely dreamy. "I'm so going to drink myself in a stupor once the baby is born."
"Shut up," Sanji growled and sat down between Ben and Zoro.
"What a nice baby shower," Nami cooed. They had already received her gift, a small savings bank in the shape of a mikan.
Zoro hid his face between his hands. "Can we just get this the fuck over with?"
"Right." The low grumble coming from the far edge of the table was drowned in Ace's snicker. Smoker, who sat next to him, shot the Logia user a glare. He'd been grumpy ever since Zoro had told him that smoking in the galley was no longer allowed.
"Swordsman-san, I've made a little something for the baby." Robin was smiling mildly at Zoro, utterly ignoring Smoker and Ace's bickering and Luffy's "I want meat now" whines.
Before Zoro could protest, Robin offered her wrapped gift to Zoro. Surprised, Zoro clutched it between his fingers and ripped the wrapping open. He'd noticed that Robin had spent quite some time knitting outside on deck, but he hadn't expected that it was for the baby's sake.
"What-"
"It's a wee jacket!" Shank's all but shrieked. Ben looked horrified.
Yes, it was a jacket with a small hood, but there was something strange attached to it. It looked like-
"With kitten ears! Oh, why did we never get something like that for Luffy!" Shanks was jumping up and down, snatching the green jacket from Zoro's hands and held it up in the air.
Luffy laughed at the red-head and handed Zoro his gift. It wasn't wrapped up. "It's not for the baby, but I think it looks cool."
It was a black shirt and when Zoro unfolded it Sanji burst into laughter. Luffy had scrawled on it "World's Greatest Father."
"Umm, thanks." Zoro really wished he'd never got lost on that island and eaten that fruit, though he didn't regret the sex that afternoon two and a half months ago. That had been rather mind-blowing-
"This is for you," Chopper piped up shyly, interrupting Zoro's train of thought. He took up almost half of the galley because ever since Smoker had entered the galley he'd been in guard point.
"Thanks."
"That doesn't make me happy at all, asshole." Chopper wriggled around and some fur tickled Ace who immediately sneezed and almost turned Sanji's precious cake to ash.
"Those are special vitamins to help the baby grow strong." Chopper explained when Zoro frowned confusedly at the small vial filled with yellow pills.
"That's really useful, Chopper." Sanji nodded and received Usopp's gift. He'd wrapped it up in some old papers and Luffy whooped when Sanji carefully opened it and held a plush version of the iGoing Merry/i in his hands.
"Awesome! Usopp, I want one too!" Luffy clapped his hands together and grinned.
"Uh-oh," Usopp mumbled, but then flinched when Zoro said "What the fuck?"
Smoker and Ace's gift was a small pair of blue and white pajamas with the marine's banner on the front.
"I told you not to get that for the baby!" Ace hissed at Smoker, but the older man leaned back and shrugged.
"Maybe that will knock some sense into the baby at least."
Nami glared warningly in the pair's direction. She didn't want an argument in the middle of a crowded galley. Ace mumbled something about Smoker being a bad influence but after that the fight was dropped.
Shanks slid an envelope down the table to Zoro. He stumbled with it for a moment, his blunt fingers getting in the way, before Sanji snatched it from his hands and tore it open with a practiced ease. He pulled out a piece of paper and unfolded it, scanning it quickly with his eyes.
"Oh, fuck no. Not happening." He said glaring up at Shanks and stuffing the paper back into the envelope.
"Oh, c'mon! Please?" Shanks whined like a petulant child.
"I told you they wouldn't like it, Shanks. It's irresponsible.
"It's just the Calm Belt! Nothing to worry about. And besides, it said when he's eighteen. He'd be a legal adult by then and- Aw, Ben, you're no fun!" Ben had taken the envelope from Sanji's hands and tucked it in his jacket. Ben put an arm around his captain who sighed loudly and began to pout.
Just then the door banged open and Franky entered the galley."Alright, it's time for my super gift now. I just finished it." Franky looked rather smug and Zoro already dreaded what their shipwright had come up with.
Franky shooed them on deck where a rather large and bulky object was hidden beneath a square of old canvas.
"Prepare to meet the world's greatest-" with that Franky tore the cover away "BABY BED!"
Zoro and Sanji gaped in sheer surprise. The bed was made out of light wood that looked like what the iThousand Sunny/i was made from, except that on its sides Franky had carefully carved swords and cooking utensils. At the head of the crib was an intricate carving of a spatula and a sword which bore surprising resemblance to Wadou. They were crossed under a skull, creating what had to be one of the strangest jolly rogers Zoro or Sanji had ever seen. A small baby den den mushi slept on the figure head.
"Here," Franky pressed another snail into Zoro's hand. "You can take it with you when the baby's sleeping. When something's not right you can hear if it's crying."
"That's-" Zoro looked at Sanji.
"Super," Sanji said, finishing Zoro's sentence with a smile.
Suddenly Ace's snickering could be heard from the back of the group. "Taisa, I think it's about time we settled down and had a few kids of our own, don't you?" He said teasingly.
Smoker pinched the bridge of his nose angrily. "I think it's about time we got the fuck off this crazy ship."
Zoro silently agreed.
Roronoa Zoro was a tough man. Alright, a rather pregnant man, but he would be the manliest mother in the history of motherhood and thus, he refused to be scared.
It had started this morning.
The rough kick that startled him out of sleep was definitely not a thing to be scared about, but still. It had been a little over two months and the baby certainly wasn't due yet, but then why did it kick him on a regular basis? At first Zoro had tried to ignore it, spending the day in the galley, hiding away from a giddy Luffy who asked him over and over when his new nakama would be born. Zoro doubted that his captain had understood a single word of what Chopper had explained to him.
"Oi, you alright?" Sanji, who had been chopping vegetables for dinner that night, stopped and sat down beside Zoro.
"Sure." Zoro squirmed uncomfortably when he received another kick.
"Bullshit. What's the matter with you? Is the baby-"
"The baby is fine!" Zoro shouted. Shit, that got the cook even more alarmed.
Before Zoro could stop him, Sanji laid one hand on the massive swell of Zoro's belly. The baby gave another sudden kick and Sanji yelped in surprise but did not remove his hand.
"Shit! He's moving!" The goofy smile that was plastered on Sanji's face made Zoro even more infuriated.
"Yeah. Do you think we should tell Chopper-"
Sanji's sudden laughter made Zoro scowl. "Shitty marimo! The baby's just kicking. That's pretty normal."
"Yeah?" Zoro huffed silent relief, but then the baby kicked again. "Fuck! Baby's a damn mean kicker!" He exclaimed, holding his stomach.
"Aww," Sanji chuckled. "Like father like son."
"Saaanji," Nami's voice made Sanji's heart flutter with expectation. The fact that Nami sounded rather pissed off didn't register with the cook. Instead, Sanji turned around to where Nami was standing by the opened door of the galley. Any minute now she'd declare her eternal love to him and-
"Sanji, did Zoro eat my mikans yet AGAIN?"
Shit, Sanji thought mildly alarmed. His precious Nami-swan was upset. The first time Zoro had gone on a mikan raid Nami had blamed Luffy and almost thrown him overboard. Only Robin had been able to stop her, since she'd been the one to point out that Zoro was snoozing the day away on deck, surrounded by an incriminatingly large pile of mikan peelings.
"I'm very sorry, Nami-swan. Let me make it up to you."
"What is that?" Nami pointed accusingly at the pot simmering away on the stove.
"That..." Sanji was so fucked.
"You!" Nami stared him in utter horror. "You took them!"
Sanji considered falling to his knees. "It's for the baby's sake, Nami-swan. Chopper told me that mikans do have a lot of important vitamins and Zoro needs them and he's been craving them so much so I thought it would be perfect to feed him the mikans."
Seemingly speechless, Nami stomped out of the galley and Sanji sank to the bench. He'd just sacrificed his chance of ever getting together with Nami by protecting the stupid marimo.
That night when Sanji had served dinner and Zoro was happily eating some special mikan based food (not that he showed his delight, of course), Nami stormed into the galley. She held a basket filled with mikan under her right arm and looked grudgingly at Zoro. Then she put the basket down and huffed "Take as much as you need, but as soon as the baby is born I will start charging you!"
"Hai, Nami-swan!" Oh, Nami looked so amazing when she was generous!
Zoro grunted and stuffed himself with even more mikan pudding.
"What about Jacques? That sounds rather sophisticated."
"C'mon cook, we don't need another girly man on board."
"I am not-"
"How about Brock?" Zoro said, ignoring the man's protests. "It sounds like a strong name."
"Why do you have to pick such rough sounding names? Everyone's going to be afraid of our kid if you name him. Let's call him François."
"Roronoa François? No, I don't think so."
The rest of the crew watched the two men continue to argue over names like they had been for the past hour. If not for the fact that Zoro was pregnant and all fighting had been banned, they would probably be trying to kill each other at this point.
Robin cleared her throat. "I have an idea."
All eyes were suddenly on the archaeologist. "Hagen." She was met with inquisitive stares so she continued on. "In a mythology book I picked up on one of the more recent island we visited I found a story about a strong young warrior by the name of Hagen. He killed a man who was almost completely invulnerable and survived to the end of his lineage. Hagen was loyal to his king even after his king had been killed and he himself was mortally wounded." Robin smiled serenely at Zoro and Sanji. "Hagen sounds an awful lot like you two."
The cook and the swordsman exchanged a look. They had found their name.
"Oi, Marimo, you down here?" Sanji called, climbing down the ladder into the men's cabin. Lunch was on the table and the swordsman was nowhere to be found. He'd been searching the entire ship for the man. Knowing Zoro, he could be anywhere. He had heard a light thumping and some muffled cursing coming from below deck so he decided to go investigate. Sure enough, there was Zoro, sitting on the floor digging through the chest that the male Strawhat's kept for all the junk they didn't need but didn't really want to throw away either. Sanji wasn't aware that Zoro had anything in there. As it was right now, Zoro was throwing things behind him, swearing and muttering under his breath looking furiously for something.
Sanji let out a bark of a laugh at the sight before him. Zoro's belly was so large that he had to sit parallel to the chest to see inside of it. Zoro ignored him and continued throwing things but the objects path was suspiciously rerouted in Sanji's direction. Suddenly Zoro let out a low "A-ha!" and pulled out two long sticks of wood. He looked over them with a nostalgic fondness before pushing himself up from the ground using the edge of the chest for balance.
Sanji kicked a few of the items scattered about the floor and picked up the ones that were his. He walked over to the crate and dumped them in carelessly and shut the chest. Turning to Zoro he found that the man was still admiring the long stick-like objects which Sanji noticed held slight resemblance to swords.
"What the hell are those?" He asked, mildly curious.
"What does it look like, aho-cook?" Zoro said, tapping Sanji over the head with one of the stick things. "They're called shinai. They're for training. Can't start the kid off with real swords because they're too heavy and he'd probably kill himself."
Huh. Well, it made sense Sanji supposed. But...
"What are you doing with them? You know Chopper said no training until after the baby is born."
Zoro looked at the cook like he was stupid. "Hagen's gotta start somewhere."
"What makes you think he's gonna want to use swords?" Sanji was more surprised than angry.
"All kids take after their father." Again with the are-you-stupid? look.
"Yeah, so he's going to be just like me. Obviously you're the mother-" Sanji ignored the sharp glare he got from Zoro whenever he called him a mom, "so who else would be the father but me?" Sanji smirked at Zoro who was still glaring daggers at him. It would be a lot more threatening if not for the bulging pregnant belly straining against his haramaki. Usopp had to take out all of Zoro's clothes when he started popping the seams. Who knew that the sniper could sew so well?
"Goddamn it, Sanji, I-"
Nami's shrill voice cut Zoro off. "You two better not be fighting down there! Hurry up before Luffy inhales everything again!"
The swordsman threw another piercing glare at Sanji before struggling up the ladder. Sanji followed quickly with a "Coming Nami-swan!" and the fight ended as quickly as it had started.
Cooping them all up in the galley was hard enough before but with Zoro pregnant, that just made everything even worse. The crew were being extremely wary of the expectant parents, knowing even the littlest things would set the two off. A fight would put the baby in danger but the constant bickering was constantly building towards what would probably be one of the biggest brawls between Zoro and Sanji the ship had ever seen.
The men had gone almost three months without any physical fights which was a new record for them. Unfortunately their verbal warfare had grown and sometimes they couldn't stand to be in the same room together. Everyone was looking forward to when the child was born so the two could blow of some steam and tear each other apart. Zoro looked like he was itching for a good fight. At least Sanji got marines and enemy pirates now and again but the swordsman was forbidden to raise a sword for any reason. Even training was out of the question.
Zoro thumped down next to Franky and took the offered plate from Sanji. The blonde had set it aside for him before he went searching, knowing Luffy would devour everything in his path before they got back. While he ate, he exchanged clipped, mocking words with Sanji which was quite normal. If they weren't separated soon, another yelling match was sure to break out. Everyone held their breaths and hoped Zoro finished soon and got the hell out of the galley before he started throwing things at the cook like last time.
Zoro ate fast and made to leave but Chopper hopped up suddenly, as if he just remembered something.
"Z-zoro?" He asked, unsure.
"Hm?"
Chopper went into doctor mode and walked over to Zoro, feeling around his back, pressing with his cloven hooves, "Well, I've been noticing you've been a little hunched over lately. Has your back been hurting at all? It's quite normal in the later stages of pregnancy."
"'M'fine. Nothing I can't hand-ah!" Zoro gasped slightly as the reindeer applied light pressure on the man,s lower back.
"Thought so. You need to keep off your feet and rest for these last few days of your pregnancy. The baby is due in about a week so just take it easy for a while and you'll be back up and training before you know it." Chopper saw Zoro's unwilling expression and added "Doctor's orders."
Zoro sighed moodily and muttered "Fine, whatever." before stalking out of the galley and back to the men's quarters.
This was going to be a long week.
It looked like Hagen wasn't going to be born before the huge fight broke out. Sanji and Zoro were locked in a screaming match and every man on the ship had to assist in holding them back from killing each other. Luffy, Usopp, and a heavy point Chopper restrained Sanji while Franky and Brooke held tight to Zoro, assisted by many of Robin's disembodied hands.
"I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE CARRYING MY CHILD! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Sanji bellowed, trying to break free from his captain's rubbery limbs.
"BRING IT ON, SHIT-COOK! I'LL SNAP YOUR FUCKING NECK!" Zoro's face was flushed a dark red from yelling so loudly.
"NOT IF I KICK YOUR FACE IN FIRST!" Sanji was practically snarling now.
"Guys calm down!" Chopper pleaded. "Intense stress can induce early labor!" The fighting men ignored the doctor.
"OH YEAH? WELL I-" Zoro's eyes grew wide as a sharp intake of breath stopped him from completing his threat. If not for all the hands holding him upright he would have doubled over in pain. His breathing became labored and all eyes were suddenly on him. "Fuck." Zoro said, lips pulled over his teeth.
Sanji's face paled and the fire in him died quickly. He knew what this meant. Zoro's due date was in two days but he knew that those things weren't exact. Zoro was going into labor.
Chopper gasped and Sanji knew the tiny reindeer had realized it too. "Quick everyone! Get him to the infirmary!"
The galley was silent for a moment. Everyone blinked as the gears turned in their heads when it finally clicked and everyone knew it was time. There was a sudden rush and it became very noisy as everyone worked to follow Chopper's instructions. Zoro remained hunched over as he was more or less dragged into the infirmary and forced onto the tiny cot. Chopper swiftly shooed them from the room. "This is a sterile operation! Everyone out!"
Sanji glanced back worriedly as the doctor pushed him from the room and slammed the door. There was a click of a lock and Sanji became incredibly anxious, not knowing what to do. He began pacing as everyone lounged around the infirmary. They all seemed so calm, the cook didn't know how they did it. Very soon he was going to be a father and have so much responsibility. Would he make a good dad? Would the kid even like him? Was the operation going okay? Was there something wrong with his boy? The onslaught of questions in his mind distracted him from the fact that he had placed a sucker in his mouth and was now trying to light the end of the stick.
"Sanji-kun?" Nami raised an eyebrow at the jumpy blonde. Sanji blinked and realized what he had been doing. He laughed nervously and threw the sucker over the ships rail.
"I apologize, Nami-swan. Old habits die hard I suppose." Sanji went back to pacing and continuously threw uneasy glances at the infirmary door. He began tugging at his hair as the questions in his mind picked up again.
Nami and Robin exchanged a knowing look as they watched the agitated cook. It had only been ten minutes and he was already a mess. Luffy jabbered excitedly, thrilled that he will finally get to meet his new nakama. Brooke stood next to the girls, playing a soft lullaby on his violin. Franky and Usopp sat on the deck playing cards. The Thousand Sunny was the perfect picture of calm except for the blonde man tearing his hair out at the roots.
Finally, after what seemed like hours to Sanji, the infirmary door burst open. Chopper grinned from ear to ear as he stepped out of the room.
"Congratulations! It's a boy!" He exclaimed as if it were a big surprise to them all. Sanji hadn't thought it to be possible but now he felt even more nervous than before. His hands shook as he stepped over the threshold and into his new life. He walked slowly up to Zoro who was holding a small bundle in his muscular arms. There was a warm smile plastered across his worn-out face and Sanji felt it spread across his as well. He threaded his fingers through Zoro's hair and looked at their child.
Hagen's head was covered in light, silky tufts of greenish hair and his eyebrows were the same color. Each one picked up at the end in a slight curl. His eyes were a strange blue-green mix that reminded the cook of the ocean. Sanji could see that the slight definition of his face held an almost exact resemblance to Zoro's except he did not have the same natural-born tan. Instead he was fair-skinned like Sanji. Hagen looked up at Sanji with his curious, blue-green eyes and made a small cooing sound in the back of his throat. Sanji wasn't sure he had ever smiled this wide in his entire life. He stared in silent wonderment at his son. He actually had a boy of his own. He knew Zeff would be so proud of him.
"Want to hold him?" Zoro's voice shook him out of his reverie. After a brief moment he carefully took the child from Zoro's arms.
"Wow..." Sanji whispered softly, enthralled.
"He's a good kid. Hasn't cried at all." Zoro had been surprised by the absence of noise after the birth. He was used to babies crying but so far Hagen seemed very well-behaved.
Zoro felt an unusual pull to the baby and it was like nothing he had ever felt before. It was indescribable, almost like he couldn't live without knowing that this child- his child- was alive and well. He didn't have much experience with children and had never really wanted a kid himself so Zoro was extremely shocked that Hagen had suddenly become an integral part of his life. It was strange since he'd only been out of his stomach for less than twenty minutes and growing attached was not in Zoro's nature but, watching Sanji hold their baby, smiling like Zoro imagined he would when he finally found All Blue, Zoro stopped caring about why. None of that mattered anymore. What is important is that he had a family and he knew that somehow his life has just changed for the better.
Zoro lightly fingered the stitches where Chopper had cut him open and he knew that this would become one of his most favorite scars. He knew there was no training for this kind of thing but Zoro silently resolved that he was going to work his way up to the title of world's greatest father.
O M A K E :
Zoro awoke in stages from what felt like a very deep sleep. Though his mind was still a little hazy, he sensed that he was in no immediate danger as he allowed his aura to creep about the room. He slowly realized that he was in the infirmary and the pieces of the puzzle began falling into place. He touched his stomach and realized it was no longer the bulbous mass that he remembered, but there was still a bump of extra weight that needed to be shed. He pushed himself off the tiny cot and stretched, pinpointing the muscle groups that needed to be worked the most. His stomach let out a loud grumble, demanding to be fed, and Zoro decided to grab some food before what promised to be an extremely strenuous workout.
Yawning, he pushed open the door to the galley and was greeted with a rather humorous sight. Sanji was cooking frantically with one arm and holding a screaming baby in the other. His shirt was only half tucked and his hair was a tangled mess. He was attempting to comfort the child with soft cooing noises while keeping one eye one the meal he was making. The cook reached into one of the pots on the stove and pulled a bottle of milk from the boiling water. He squeezed some onto his wrist before practically shoving it into Hagen's mouth. Hagen stopped crying immediately and began sucking happily on the bottle.
The swordsman heard a loud "ZORO!" from behind him but before he had a chance to turn around he was on the ground with his rubbery captain flailing on top of him.
"Zoro!" Luffy yelled again. "Did you see him? Did you see Hagen? Isn't he awesome? He's our newest nakama and he's so awesome and he kicks really hard! Usopp got his face too close and Hagen broke his nose! Hahaha, isn't he great? And you know what else? He screams even louder than Nami! How cool is that? I bet when he grows up he'll be just like you and-" Zoro clamped a hand over the boy's mouth, effectively cutting off his excited questions.
"Luffy, get-" Zoro was quickly silenced with a kick to the head.
"What the fuck, Marimo?" The cook screeched.
"Wh-" Zoro tried, but before he could ask Sanji what he was so pissy about, the man was yelling again.
"Do you realize that you've been asleep for three days now? Do you realize," Sanji voice began to rise now, "that you've left me alone with a newborn baby for three whole days?"
"Well, you told me to rest." Zoro responded, smirking.
Suddenly Sanji's face was right there. Their noses were practically touching, Sanji was so close. From this position Zoro could see the bags under Sanji's eyes and he realized the man probably hadn't gotten much sleep since the baby was born and that had probably been the wrong thing to say.
Sanji reeled back. "NOT FOR THREE WHOLE DAYS, YOU IDIOT!" Hagen began wailing again, louder than before. Sanji's voice lowered then and he began murmuring to the baby in his arms. "Shhh, it's okay. Daddy didn't mean to yell and he's sorry." He held the boy to his chest and began rubbing his back soothingly. The crying stopped and Sanji's sighed in what could only be relief.
Zoro watched as Sanji comforted their child and couldn't believe how natural it was. He almost smiled but Sanji glared at him, effectively destroying the aura of calm he had felt just seconds ago. Zoro pushed Luffy off of him and pulled himself off the ground.
"Relax cook. I'll take him for a while." He said, taking Hagen from Sanji's arms. "How hard could it be, anyways? It's just one kid." Sanji began laughing hysterically before leaving the galley for a well deserved nap. Zoro watched the cook leave before turning his gaze to Hagen. "Your dad is crazy." He said with a small smile on his face.
Hagen looked at the door where Sanji had just left before looking up at the green haired man with wide, watery eyes. He sucked in a large gust of air.
"Oh, no."
Hagen screamed, sobbing hard, tears running down his face. Zoro couldn't believe how this kid could go from happy to sad to happy again, all in the span of half a minute. Zoro pulled Hagen to his chest like he saw the cook do and awkwardly ran his hand up and down his back. He tried to make the light shushing sounds Sanji had made but they came out harsh and angry like he was trying to hush the baby up instead of soothe him.
There was a strange odor in the air and Zoro wrinkled his nose at it. He carefully lifted Hagen higher and eyed his diaper which was now full. He glanced around, looking for some extra diapers so he could change him but then Hagen burped. Zoro looked up at the baby in his hands and new that could mean only one thing - disaster.
Hagen unleashed his earlier meal all over Zoro's head and the started crying again. Zoro was a mess. Hagen was a mess. Zoro didn't know what to do.
The swordsman stood with a bawling baby in his arms, covered in puked up formula, and realized this was going to be a lot harder than he'd thought.
Sanji slept peacefully below deck.