Dear Diary, I have have decided to start keeping a day to day log on my life because I have a funny feeling that these next few years are going to be incredible! after all I am apart of the Rise and (possible) fall of John Lennon.
Monday The 8th of March, 1963.
This past year had changed me completely, One minute I am Cynthia Powell; A art collage student whom had maintained good grades while balancing a job and pleasing her difficult but loving boyfriend and now It's Cynthia Lennon; A married woman who failed her final exams at art school and is also having up and coming star John Lennon's baby.
yes this year had changed me very very much. John was never here, which upset me a lot, It always had! Before the baby.. Before marriage . When he and the boys went to Hamburg I missed him terribly I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night but now, some how for some reason it's worse because it's not just me he is leaving behind, It's me and our baby.
It shouldn't be a long tour but I still worry, anything could go wrong and I'm not stupid.. I know that he'll probably end up cheating on me for some slutty groupie while he's out there, even though that hurts I try not to think about it, act as if it doesn't happen. As long as he comes back to me and our child at the end of it, I'm not fussed.
I'm staying with Mimi at the moment because my Mother is out with my eldest brother in Canada helping him and his wife set up there new home. Living with Mimi is very hard, I love her! yes! of course I do! She means so much to John it would be rather strange if she didn't mean anything to me..But the thing about Mimi is... she can be some what.. Difficult. I mean I'm 8 months pregnant and I still have to do chores for her.
It's like a sing for your supper situation, I clean her house she lets me sleep in John's old room.. It's how it works. I can tell on some level she hates me. When John announced that we where getting married she didn't take the news well and gave John what for.. She was dead shocked when John announced I was pregnant. She softened to me, slightly. We would talk more, she was very interested to know how I was feeling what it felt like having a baby in there.. she was also very good at calming me down if I felt something strange. She would always tell tales of when Julia was pregnant and the type of pains and symptoms that she had had, so in some sense Mimi was good company.
I feel as fat as a whale. I'm huge! My best friend Phyllis laughs at me and tells me I'm beautiful and I have that 'Pregnant Woman Glow' Even though I know that I have gained weight that I'm probably never going to lose. Great! more reasons for John to cheat on me!
Brian gave me a ring today and told me how the tour was going and whats been happening. You see I'm not even allowed to go and see the boys live anymore! John and I's life has to be kept secret. He's not John Lennon the man who's only seen his wife a handful of times because he's famous now; He is John Lennon single flirt and I must admit.. That hurts really really hurts, Buts if it's whats best for John and his band then I'll just have to go with it.
In a way it's good though.. I've seen the way the the fans and camera men chase after the boys trying to get the perfect picture or just trying to get close to the men they love so much. A girl who was touring northern England with them was mobbed and terribly hurt and I'm glad that me and our child won't be in the center of all that, I don't want that life for the baby, Imagine that?! Constantly being stalked not having a moment to yourself!? I couldn't imagine anything worse!
John was home last week for two days, Mimi wouldn't let us stay in the same room but John ran through half way through the night. Mimi hardly let me talk to him when he first came home so we stayed up all night talking and catching up on almost everything. We talked about the baby, John looks really excited at the thought of becoming a father.. I'm still surprised that he didn't just leave me. He does this really cute thing though, when he's talking about the baby.
He slides his hand over my stomach and rubs it soothingly, every other word he's looking down and grinning at my stomach. It's a lovely to see him already so caring towards are child. He's worried too though, He wants to be a constant in the baby's life but that's proving difficult considering he's away all the time and only comes back once every few months for a couple days. He wants the baby to know him and to miss him. It's very sad to think he's going to miss out in the most important years of our baby's life but he insists that The Beatles might only last a few years if they are lucky and then after that he can be the dad he always wanted to be.
I can't wait for that day.. when John and I could be a real family!
Cynthia Lennon xxx