It was cold and wet, the weather matching his mood perfectly. The only thing that could have made matched his mood more was a bone numbing blizzard, with him in the middle of it.
It has been a month since it happened, since he sent Snape down the whomping willows passage on the full moon. He still didn't know why he did it. The night was practically a blur, the last thing he could remember clearly that night was going to the kitchens with the guys and having an early dinner with them so Remus wouldn't feel alone.
After that things got blurry and distorted, he felt like he wasn't in control of his own body, like someone else was pulling the strings and he was just a bystander. The noises that had been around him sounded like they were traveling through water. He heard his own voice telling Snape about the passage and he tried so hard to take control of his body but it hurt so much.
Then he remembered going back up towards Gryffindor tower and getting into bed. When he woke up he couldn't concentrate, his friends were furious with him, the professors were talking about expulsion and Dumbledore was giving him a look of great disappointment. None hurt more than Remus not even looking his way. They had dated for almost a year and a half, and he couldn't even look at him.
He tried to tell them what that night was like for him, the distortion, the pain and confusion, the lack of control… but every time he opened his mouth to say something a pain would shoot through his body so fierce it felt almost like his mother's cruciatus curse.
Every time he could feel himself talking, he couldn't hear it over his own screams in his head but when he recovered from the pain they looked at him with more disdain. It gave him a good idea what was said.
If it weren't for Dumbledore's habit of giving second chances he knew for certain he would have been expelled. Sometimes he wished he had been though, word got out that he stabbed his friends in the back, everyone assumed his 'Black' was showing through. They all thought him to be evil.
He tried to tell people what happened since then, that he wasn't in control, the same thing that happened in the headmaster's office happened every time, whichever teacher he had been trying to tell would look at him with disgust before assigning him detention and taking points, he stopped trying when they started talking about suspension.
Any friend he had wouldn't even so much as look at him, let alone sit at the same bench as him in classes. No, they were enjoying cursing him when his back was turned, he finally understood why people thought him a bully.
He hadn't been caring for the 'prank victims' feelings, only his own amusement. Some of the spells he'd been hit with he had used on a regular basis. How could he have humiliated someone like that? He had always thought of himself as a charismatic, lovable prankster who had everyone laughing at his jokes. Now? He didn't know who he was, but it certainly wasn't who he thought.
Remus, James and Peter seemed to have forgotten all about him, they ran amuck, people were laughing at their jokes more than ever, James finally got lily to go on a date with him, peter finally got a girlfriend, Remus was getting closer and closer to lily's friend Marlene, a girl who made her attraction for Remus well known. It had been one of the reasons Remus avoided her, now it seemed to be part of the reason he was with her all the time.
Sirius could have sworn to have seen them share a quick peck before heading to their separate classes.
They moved on so thoroughly in only a month. Seemingly so much better without him. They seemed happier, more joyful than when he was there. Part of him was happy for them, he wasn't dragging them down anymore. The other part wanted to scream at them, to beg them not to leave him behind. They were the only ones he had ever felt comfortable with. They were his family.
Maybe it was for the best, they shouldn't be dragged down by him, they were like new polished china, proudly placed on display. And he, he was the old, chipped and cracked tea cup sitting in the back of the cupboard, gathering dust.
Sirius was up in the astronomy tower, watching them head out towards the willow. Shoving each other good-naturedly. They never did that with him around. Anytime he tried to lighten the mood he'd get snapped at and told to stop being so foolish, the situation was a serious matter.
The sun was beginning to kiss the horizon, having already burnt and bruised the clouds it passed. A month ago, he would have admired it with Remus, it would have been beautiful, but now everything was dull and grey, nothing held any beauty anymore. Nothing but Remus, Remus whose beauty didn't shine until Sirius' presence stop making him suppress it.
He watched them climb down the passage way and disappear. He blinked away his tears, he couldn't cry, he refused to give anyone anymore ammunition to fire at him. He already hurt so much. He looked down at the lake below, it licked at the side of the castle with every ripple.
It would be so easy, he'd just need to climb up onto the stone railings, he wouldn't even have to stand. He could just sit there. All it would take was a little slip, and he'd fall. The water wouldn't be soft and gentle, no, it would hurt. But only for a moment, if the impact didn't knock him out then it would at least force the air out of his chest. His body would instinctively try to breathe, it would be over so quick.
No more sadness, no more feeling worthless or useless, no more pain in his chest that a thousand pain soothing potions couldn't take away. It was a long drop but he was willing to bet it would be over in seconds. A small amount of pain to end what he knew would be a lifetime of suffering.
He didn't want to be here anymore, surrounded by people who thought everyone would be better off without him.
He climbed up and sat on the edge, staring at the water like it held everything he could ever need. He slipped down and stood on the very edge of the tower, his arms holding onto the railings.
Just let go.
A moment of pain to end a lifetime of hurt.
His grip loosened as he listened to the voice in his head, the voice that sounded so tired, just jump… no more expectations… no more heartbreak… no more ranting from mother… no more worries… no more hexes… no more curses… no more people whispering behind your back… just jump… everyone is happier without you… just make it permanent… jump… jump… jump… JUMP!
His hands slipped off the railings as he stepped off the tower, his breath caught in his throat as he dropped. it was if time slowed, he could feel the air rushing up past him, the water getting closer, he looked over at the willow tree, he saw his old friends climbing out in their animal forms, moony looking around, confused as to where his other pack member was… as he was about to hit the water he could have sworn he saw them look his way.
The impact hurt, he felt several bones crack as he plummeted meters below the surface, the air was forced out of his lungs and his body tried to get it back, the water filling his lungs burned, his body jerked, trying to get itself to the surface.
As he fell unconscious he could have sworn he felt arms wrap around him.
Was this deaths embrace?
-/-
A/N: you can also find me on Ao3 under the name Winter_Soldiers_Consort