An Unusual Extraction, a man from uncle fanfic

Illya moved catlike through the house as he made his way toward the master bedroom. This was going to be the culmination of a months long mission in which Napoleon had ingratiated himself to a woman who had developed a formula for a biological weapon strong enough to alter the balance of power. She had been wooed by a Nazi relic who still dreamed of world domination and the resurrection of the Third Reich.

Napoleon had been inserted into her life and he had worked his charms upon her so completely and successfully, that she fell head over heels in love with him and dumped her older lover. Unfortunately, she had made it clear that she would not share the combination of the safe that held her formula and other valuables with anyone except her husband. So "Etienne Robert" proposed and married her in a small chapel in the Bavarian mountains.

They had lived together as man and wife for three months before she had felt comfortable enough to share the combination. To celebrate the trust she showed him, he had taken her out to a fabulous restaurant for a romantic dinner. When she had excused herself to go to the ladies' room, he had discreetly used his communicator to contact Illya with the combination and the safe's location. By the time the couple had returned home, unbeknownst to her, her formula had been removed.

Illya had arranged for a courier from UNCLE Munich to deliver the formula to Oliver Beauchamp, the new Number One Europe while he returned to the house to extract Napoleon. He arrived at the closed bedroom door and took several deep breaths in preparation for the role he was about to play. When he felt himself ready, he kicked open the door and burst into the room. "Etienne, you lying, cheating bastard!"

Napoleon and Giselle had actually been asleep, so the surprise on his face was as real as hers. "Sergei! What are you doing here?" He moved on the bed so that he was between the man standing at the foot of the bed and the woman beside him. "How did you find me?"

Giselle had thought they were about to be robbed or murdered, so this exchange shocked her to her core. "Etienne, you know this man? Who is he?"

When Napoleon sputtered and stuttered, Illya said coldly, "Tell her, Etienne. Tell her who I am and while you're at it, tell her to take off that wedding ring." He waggled his left hand at the woman's face. "This is the wedding ring he gave me two years ago."

"What?" she shrieked as she scrambled from the bed. "What are you talking about?"

"Giselle," Napoleon managed to squeak out, "Let me explain…"

Illya stepped forward. "No, let me. He and I have been together for years, but every once in a while, he gets a case of the guilts because what we are doing is 'wrong.' When he starts feeling that way, he leaves me and takes up with some girl. You're not special, dear. I know, he told you he loves you, I see he's married you, but he's going to take it all back. You would wake up one morning and find he is gone faster than a speeding bullet. He's that man. You should be glad I showed up; you have no idea what you've gotten yourself into. I've been through this so much, but what am I going to do? I love him and when he comes crawling back, I let him."

While Illya was speaking, Giselle had turned her back to throw on slacks. She screamed at Napoleon, "Get out! I never want to see your face again! This marriage is over! Do you hear me? Over!" She reached for the clothes he had worn earlier in the evening and threw them at him. "Get dressed and get out before I kill you!" The threat was underscored by her launching a lamp at his head.

Napoleon ducked, grabbed his clothing and shoes and quickly followed Illya down the stairs. They ran out the door and jumped in Illya's car. He dressed as the Russian drove. "You were pretty convincing, Partner Mine. If I didn't know better, I would have thought you were my boyfriend!"

As he guided the car to Munich, Illya nodded. "When Section IV discovered that Giselle's father was a closeted homosexual who constantly cheated on her mother with other men and eventually left her for a man, I knew that was the best way to extract you. She hated her father for those reasons, so if it appeared that you were a man like that, she would cut you out of her life immediately. And if she discovers sooner rather than later that the formula is missing from her safe, she will be looking for Etienne Robert, not Napoleon Solo."

Napoleon finished dressing and gazed out the window. "Are we flying commercial to New York?"

"Nyet. Mr. Waverly wants us to make a clean break from here, so an UNCLE jet is awaiting our arrival at the American Army base in Stuttgart. It will lift off as soon as we board."

"Good." Napoleon quieted and continued to survey the road. The Autobahn was to his partner's liking; no speed limits so they were moving along at ninety miles an hour. "For someone who had delusions of grandeur and ruling the world, Giselle wasn't a bad person," he said. "I almost feel sorry for her. I hope she finds someone to love her one day."

Illya glanced at him quickly before returning his eyes to the road. "You are such a romantic optimist. It is probably closer to the truth that one day she will recreate her formula and UNCLE or another agency like the CIA will have to assassinate her before she can use it."

Napoleon couldn't argue the point. "I may be a 'romantic optimist,' but you, my pragmatic realist of a partner, keep me centered. I'm glad we're on the same side, I would hate to have that mentality pointed at me because you are a man like that."

Illya grinned and said nothing.

Man Like That

I don't really wanna wake you
I just came to get my things
But the pretty lil' thing lying there beside you
Better take off my wedding ring
Hey, girl, do you really wanna do this
You don't know what you're stepping in
He's got more where that came from
You're not so special in the end

[Pre-Chorus:]
I'm messing up the place
Kicking down the door
Never wanna see his face no more

[Verse:]
Uh-oh, now he's got you
Right where he thinks you belong
Did he bite you on the neck
Right before the job was done
And does he ask about your mama
Does he sing your song when you get mad
Well, I been there, done that many times
And all the kicking and the screaming won't bring him back

[Pre-Chorus:]
I'm messing up the place
Kicking down the door
Never wanna see his face no more

[Breakdown:]
(Watch out, watch out) He's gonna get you
(Watch out, watch out) He's gonna get you
(Watch out, watch out) He's gonna get you
(Watch out, watch out) He's gonna get you
(Watch out, watch out) We're gonna get you

[Chorus:]
(Ooh, ooh) Girl, you better wake up
(Ooh, ooh) Girl, you better run
(He's gone) First thing in the morning
Faster than a bullet coming out of that gun
(Ooh, ooh) Tells you that he loves you
(Ooh, ooh) Then he take it all back
Girl, you gotta wonder
Girl, you gotta wonder
Girl, you gotta wonder 'bout a man like that
Girl, you gotta wonder
Girl, you gotta wonder
Girl, you gotta wonder 'bout a man like that
Girl, you gotta wonder
Girl, you gotta wonder
Girl, you gotta wonder 'bout a man like that
Girl, you gotta wonder
Girl, you gotta wonder
Girl, you gotta wonder 'bout a man like that

[Outro:]
Girl, you gotta wonder 'bout a man like that