Disclaimer: Not for profit, just for fun.

A/N: Another from "Pastiche a Trois", the STAR for Brian's first CDzine. Much appreciation to all of you!

REALLY NEAT CARS AND GUYS WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR

by

Owlcroft

"So, you think they'd like a blender?" Hardcastle turned the item in question from side to side. "Chops ice, purees, whaddaya think? Or maybe an electric frying pan. These are on sale."

"Judge, I don't know what they want. Don't people getting married usually give out a list or something?" McCormick opened a bread box hopefully, then closed it again.

The judge moved on to a counter display of deep fryers. "Well, what would you want if you were getting married?"

"An annulment," beamed McCormick.

"Very funny and very helpful. Hey, here we go! Casserole dishes. Everybody needs casseroles, right?" Hardcastle read the display sign aloud. "They go 'right from freezer to table' and, look. They're 'warranteed against breakage for five years from purchase." He raised his eyebrows questioningly.

Mark shook his head. "Kinda ordinary, don't you think?"

"Yeah," sighed the judge.

"Well, what did you get for wedding presents? What do you remember as being a really great present?" McCormick cautiously inspected a food processor.

"You wanna know the one thing I remember? A chafing dish!" Hardcastle smiled in reminiscence. "Nancy told me it was so she could get up real early and get breakfast cooked, and then keep my eggs nice and warm 'til I woke up." He squinted at McCormick. "She was joking. We took it back to the store and exchanged it for a cast iron pot we took on camping trips."

"There. You see? No matter what we get them, they'll probably just bring it back and get a refund or something they really need. I say we just go with a gift certificate." Mark carefully inspected a set of carbon steel knives. Touching the blade of one, he quickly drew his hand back and inspected his finger closely.

The judge gave him a long-suffering look. "Would ya keep your fingers off the merchandise, McCormick? I don't want ya getting blood on something and then I gotta pay for it."

Mark sneered at him faintly, then exclaimed, "A coffee maker! Over here, Judge." He pulled Hardcastle over to a selection of coffee makers and waved a hand at them as proudly as if he'd invented them himself. "You know how horrible Howard's coffee is at the shop. This would be the perfect thing!"

Hardcastle sighed and explained patiently, "But then it wouldn't be a present for the two of them, would it?"

"Oh, yeah." A crestfallen McCormick shrugged. "I give up. What could we possibly give them that they would actually use and really like? Other than a Neil Diamond tape."

"Look, let's just get 'em the fondue set. If they like it, that's great. If they don't, they can give it to somebody else getting married. Okay?" The judge picked up a box containing a Chef Francois Pot au Fondue set and walked toward the cashier. "But it's going on five-thirty already and I gotta get back home." "What's the big hurry, Judge? Just can't wait for that meatloaf McCormick-style, huh?"

"No." Hardcastle smiled condescendingly. "Unlike some people, I have a date."

Mark regrouped quickly. "Really? It just so happens that I met someone special at that phony dating service, too."

The judge raised an eyebrow at him questioningly.

"Yep," McCormick continued. "Things are definitely looking up for me. I have high expectations. I'm gonna –"

"Have to take a stepladder along on your date, huh?" interrupted the judge.

Mark glared at him, then deliberately held his finger over a cast-iron skillet.

(This wraps up "Pastiche a Trois". Look for the second CDzine's offerings early next year. And don't forget to check out our on-line auction starting Nov. 3rd – just go to and click on the Auction page.)