Ok so basically I got the idea from a girl on livejournal called mistful….
Doing movie/book parodies(that are also reviews of it but mostly parody)
please note that I enjoyed this movie very much and I am poking fun at it not bashing it so I don't want to hear flames from people who say I'm insulting the movie or something…have a sense of humor please or don't read this
Disclaimer: I don't own the die hard films…or Matt sigh
So I have been watching the fourth die hard a bit on the computer…(its all for the hacker kid*heart)* but I thought this movie seriously needs to be parodied so here we go.
Movie opens:
Twentieth century fox logo: Yay!!! Oh nope power died we are done now
My mom: I hate when that happens
Me: *nods solemnly* yes it's very sad.
Credits: la la la look at all the names
Villains: we are doing acts of VILLIANY
Audience: don't really care
Villains: …VILLIANY DAMN IT!!!!
Audience: ok then…moving on
Matt: I'm a hacker WHEEEEE
Audience: *perks up at the site of something interesting*
Matt: and I'm a pervy hacker too! Look how I make sexual advances to women on the phone who I've never met!
Audience: Quiet Matt she's gonna kick your ass later anyway
Matt: darn I want some action though
Director: be patient
Matt: fine
Random Hacker: Crap my computers not working
Villains: *grab the popcorn* ooooh this is fun to watch
Random Hackers computer: I somehow am filled with C4 which we assume was something that villains you are involved with told you to do
Audience: uuuuh…C4? Am I missing something here?
Random hacker's computer: oops I got a virus and will now explode *does so*
Random hacker:*dead*
Meanwhile…
Villains: A ha! We hacked into government computers THE VILLIANY
Audience: that's nice
Government people: we have been outsmarted! CRAP!!! Go get every hacker on the planet here now!!!!!
Random Gov. Person: But that's not really possib—
Head Gov. Dude: DO IT!!!!
And now its time to see everyone's favorite or not so favorite bald man
Some audience members are pleased…I'm distracted by how shiny his head is…
John's Daughter (Lucy): *making out with guy*
Guy: I have two minutes in the movie why not spend them making out?
John: I am overprotective father Grrrr.
Director: See? We show you that he is human as well as super action hero.
Me: *laughs at John*
John: separates Lucy and Guy I FORBID THIS!!!
Lucy: I hate you! And I want a guy
Director: just wait *rubs hands together gleefully*
Lucy and John: *bicker*
Guy: I want to make out some more
Lucy: No I hate you now
John: but—
Lucy: I hate you too
John: I am so sad now
Director: Now we have set up how *ahem* normal our hero is and we set up Matt's sexual frustration time for them to meet up
Audience: its about time we came to see a buddy movie
Matt: typing and I'm getting warned by my online buddy that my life is in danger *le gasp*
Me: ahahaha…no wait I like you! NOOOOOOO don't press the button your compy will esplode!!!!!…yes people more C4
Mom: Um…you know he isn't real right?
Me: shhh
Matt: *about to press button*
John: I am bad tempered and bald OPEN THE DOOR
Matt: well I'm full of teenage angst!
John: I see your point may I come in
Matt: no
John: darn…well I'm a cop…and so you have no say in the matter
Matt: well in that case...
John: you have many….toys
Matt: they are action figures Damn it!!!!
Audience: when did the die hard movies get this dirty?
Me: no idea this is the only one I have ever seen
Matt and John: *argue*
Me: *sparkly eyes* isn't Matt cute mommy?
Mom: yes dear
Villains: we shoot all people who help us so Matt needs to be shot*attempts to shoot him*
Me: So they are covering there tracks but if it's clear they don't care about people who help them…Why do people keep helping them????
Director: Look violence! Action! Wheeee!
Me: crap the only person I like could get shot…damn it
John: look it's a bird it's a plane No its SUPERBALDY!!!!I can save the day and have no hair!!!!
Director: Hush we need to remind people that John actually ISNT superhuman he just has superhuman TENDENCIES!!!!
Matt: so you kill people all the time?
John: pretty much
Me: should I be feeling sympathy? Really?
Matt: My house exploded and it sucks
Me: what someone's reacting like a normal person to all of this?
Director: but he is sidekick which negates what he says and feels
John: who cares your being taken to the Feds
Matt: why am I reminded of an old cop show…?
John: because you're a criminal
Me: and he's cute too!
Government people: we are so smart but are outsmarted!!!! *le gasp*
Villains: *muttering* bad boys bad boys what ya gonna— never mind
Main hacker: what villains having guns?
Main villain: think of them as hardware to your software
Me: that can mean so many dirty things…
John: I'm so superhuman I DON'T EVEN SLEEP I just DRIVE all night long…
Me: eew
John: wakey wakey Mattey boy *turns on classic rock*
Matt: but I like new rock…
John: *turns up music*
Matt: Meany
John: Dumb head
Me: *laughs hysterically*
Villains: now that we are a half an hour in lets begin our villainy
Audience: but what about before…
Villains: NOW THE REAL VILLIANY BEGINS!
Audience: ok
Me: *laughs* is this movie a comedy? Oh…oops
Matt and John: Still arguing here
Me: Matt you are so funny *cuddles Matt*
John: I'm turning on the news
Matt: NEWS IS EVIL
Me: Now I know its love, let's get married and make babies
John: shut up I'm superbaldy
Director: and now they have to walk the rest of the way
Matt: but I'm not athletic
John: too bad I will make a man out of you by the end of this film so walk
Villains: *crash the stock market*
Main villain: oh I'm so bad
Main villain girl: and hot
MV: yes that too, now let's does some more stuff…
Main hacker: I edited president's speeches and made this creepy video thing to scare the nation
MV: whatever
Me: uum I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention…where's Matt?
Matt: here I am still reacting like a normal person to all this chaos and we are magically where we needed to be because damn we walk quickly
John: it's because I'm bald and I am a manly man and am therefore stoic while people bring down my country…
Gov. People: we are minor characters and therefore are idiots and have no idea what's going on
Matt: it's a fire sale
John: What?
Matt: it's the name that the director made up for what the hackers are doing to try and make it seem realistic
John: so this could actually happen?
Matt: only in the movies
John: we are in a movie
Matt: Crap
Gov. Person: your right of course because you're the character that says all the exposition, god forbid McClane gets exposition, don't be silly people! But we are government people and we are right… (But of course we aren't)
Me: at least the movies kind of accurate there
John: I'm gonna be intelligent…let's not ignore this guy he might be important (shocked? Me too it only happens once)
Gov. Person: But you're still a criminal! John take him to another place so that way you can have more action sequences
John: look how I run quick as a cat!
Matt: and I'm smarter than you peoples
Me: isn't he just? *cuddles Matt some more*
Mom: *tries to put as much distance between me and her*
Director: time to talk about this fire sale thing again
Matt: I'm the only intelligent one in this movie and alas I'm only a sidekick….oh the woes of my life
Me: its ok I'll hold you
Matt: Um guys not only do I react realistically but I also need to be fed daily
John: what food? Who needs that?
Villains: oh there's Matt we still need to kill him so let's go
Matt: Jonny boy come on don't you know I'm innocent?
John: hmmmmm
Matt: uuh wait baddies are after us again
MV: come on Johnny boy shoot your sidekick and I will give you many things
John: uh I'm straight
MV: I meant MONEY
John: well I would but I'm superbaldy so no;
Director: we haven't had a fight scene in ten minutes….lets do it.
Guns: *bang bang*
Other officers: we are dead now
Me: god I would hate to work for the FBI clearly I would be shot unless I'm a super bald man.
Matt: reacts realistically to danger…AKA he is scared like a normal person
Director: he's a sidekick people
John: SUPERBALDY!!!!
Cars: look how we crash and burn…often in slow motions
Audience: hmmm this is starting to remind us of every action film
Director: thought that might happen so we decided to pretend cars were planes and make them fly and take down helicopters
Me: wait a second that just can't happen and—
Director: shhhh
John: I just got nearly run over and jumped out of a moving car…and I'm good to go
Matt: uuum you're bleeding
John: IM SUPER HUMAN
Villains act villainous and Gov. People argue with each other
John: I can steal peoples cell phones and walk away no problem
Matt: uuum isn't that bad?
Me: so if I walk into a store and walk out with crap can I sat it's a federal emergency and leave with the stuff?
John: Oh Matty boy can you help me
Matt: you arrest me starve me tie me up….wait no sorry
John: please?
Villains: let's scare them and make a video of the Whitehouse blowing up.
Fake Whitehouse: BOOM
Director: look what I do to symbols of our country like presidents and the Whitehouse….teehee in my next movie I blow up the statue of liberty
John and gov people: GAH
John: oh never mind it's fake
Me: so the people in the Whitehouse who were watching TV…um what was happening with them?
Director: shhhh I am a genius
Audience: cool
Matt; I wanted to do a fire sale once
John: but I am patriotic and shut you up now
Matt: explains everything intelligently
John: amazed by the intelligence
Me: I will accept anything he says because I like him….but is that true?
John: so you ready to help me save the country
Matt: Ok uum I really don't like my life being endangered
John: I will get you more sex toys!
Matt: action figures!
John: whatever
Matt and John: *steal a car*
John: I'm FBI I can do anything I want
Matt: no wait the government can start your car!
Me: really?…only because I like you
Matt: so let's call this hotline I will pretend my dads having a heart attack and we need to drive to the hospital
Women from hotline: cool
John: I'm beginning to wonder what the director smoked while writing this
Me: but it was funny
Matt and John: true
Matt: fine let's go call the warlock
John: who?
Matt: my online friend
John: uuum*thinks dirty thought*
John: So how do feel about being a superhero sidekick?
Matt: but I'm actually normal and your crazy…and I don't like being shot at
John: shall we be angsty
Matt: Stare
John: angsty angst
Matt: Stare
John: still angsting
Matt: but you're 'that guy'
John: what?
Matt: it's the director's way of explaining why you are heroic without actually explaining anything
John: but I don't want to be a hero
Matt: typical
Villains: we are evil and we are going to take out the power of half the country now…but first girl must suck main villains face
Audience: so Matt was right again
Me: gotta love him…ooh and that bitch is gonna die…but the movies message is clearly that if you work for the government you will get shot
Villains: we do bad things….BAD things*squinty eyes*
John and Matt: We're here!
Matt: I don't think this is the seven eleven
John: oops…another place full of baddies well we can get our asses kicked instead of slurpies
Matt: fine…but dead people are grody…but if we are going to do this right we need to get to the fourth floor
John: why?
Matt: bad people are there
John: well in that case let's go!
John: look I can threaten an Asian chick and be funny!
Main villain girl: *kicks john's ass*
Me: laughs my ass off
John and MVG fight more
John: I think I'm going to show my intelligence and run you over with this handy SUV I found and drive us both into an elevator shaft
Me: uuuuuum…how is it hanging there?
Matt: lalala I love computers
John and MVG fight more and miraculous don't fall to there deaths.
Random Guy: Time to make my first appearance!!!
Matt: let me help the hero! whacks Random Guy into elevator shaft
Random Guy: damn it falls on top of car
Car: I really wanted to fall into the elevator shaft already this is getting ridiculous
Matt: John, John he's our man if he can't do it no one can!*grabs elevator cable right as car falls and explodes. So does Asian chick.*
Me: should I even bother?
Director it gets worse
Me: I told you that the bitch was gonna die
John: so your girls dead
MV: NO WAY!!!! I AM THE VILLIAN HERE YOU WILL PAY!!
John: do dee do I'm not listening
Gov. Person: his names Gabrielle he worked for the government we knew he was crazy and fired him
Me: finally halfway through the movie and I can stop typing main villain!
Matt: uuum the gas lines are being sent here
Me: why are they exploding….did someone throw a match in there?
Director: look fire wheeee!
John: let's hide in the car so we aren't blown to bits
Matt: yea I told you seven eleven would be better
*place explodes*
Matt: I'm sick and tired of you and your ways…you are the first person who I could call suicidally optimistic
John: please? It's a buddy movie which means your coming
Matt: &)))$!$&&((
John: wow
Matt: I know
Matt: so we need to call the warlock…
John: uuum this really isn't the time
Matt: he's a COMPUTER HACKER STUPID!!! Remember I'm the exposition and I'm always right so let's go!!!
John: so let's fly a helicopter there
Matt: uh…
John: weeeeeeeeeee
Matt: uh…John?
John: *crash lands helicopter*
Matt: stupid bald asshole
John: that's super stupid bald asshole to you
Me: should I even bother?
Matt: here we are can we come in?
Warlock's mom: I hate you people and will eat you for dinner
Me: you can eat John
Warlock's mom: well…
Matt: he's bald…
Warlock's mom: fair enough
Warlock AKA Freddie: GO AWAY PEOPLE!
Matt: I love you
Freddie: I love star wars
Matt: me too!
John: is there a point to this?
Freddie: Star wars is life!
John: well I always liked Spock
Freddie: now I kill you
John: no I kill you! Its exposition time
Freddie: fine
Freddie: blablabla so Gabrielle is one of those crazy people who thinks he's a patriot for doing this
Me: it's always about patriotism isn't it?
Director: lets all do the pledge of allegiance?
Audience: No
Gabriel: I sense hackers in my system with my amazing physic abilities
Hacker dude: no I just told you—
Gabrielle: SILENCE! …psychic abilities…opens up a screen hmmm make note I will either kill John or have his man-babies
Audience: eh? Is that why you stare at him so much
Gabrielle: it could go either way. contemplates for a moment…moving on, John you should be dead
John: uh should I apologize? No I will be stupid and act full of myself…I will egg you on
Me: am I the only one who sees that every time the hero eggs on the villains they some how worsen the situation…why not save themselves the trouble?
Director: shush watch the drama unfold!*grabs bucket of popcorn*
Gabrielle: well since you insult my Asian ass kicking whore I'm gonna kidnap your daughter…she's stuck in an elevator right now see? *pulls up image onto Freddie's screen and picks up phone* hey girl I'm totally not evil and I'm gonna save you
Lucy: cool
John: hmmmm I should really rethink egging on the person who can make my life hell…but now I'm on a mission
Must. Get. Lucy
Matt: oooh pretty girl
Lucy: completely unaware that she is currently being ogled
John: I will now yell and try to get you to hear me but it will of course be in vain
Matt: still staring at pretty girl
John: I will now go and rescue my daughter who was stupid enough to get captured
Matt: but it's a buddy movie wait up
John: ok let's go.
Lucy: I will forever hate elevators because of this…
Villains: hey chicky?
Lucy: so are you good peoples?
Villains: why of course!
Lucy: cool
Matt: so I was thinking of shaving my head…
John: no
Matt: so having your daughter kidnapped sucks
John: Yea it does
Lucy: now struggling against villains… or not…get off you perv
Villain: nope not gonna
Lucy: *punches him in the face*
Gabrielle: I will bitch slap you for harming my henchmen *does so* but be a good girl please
Lucy: no way in hell, but I will kick your ass?
Gabrielle: not really into that right now sorry
Lucy: darn it
Gabrielle: and now its time to show how cold hearted we are
Hackers: crap we are all getting shot…and now we are dead
Me: retards should have seen that coming
Heroes: we're here!
Villains: We know
Matt: so how are we going to save the day?
John: no clue
Matt: peachy
Matt: I'm going to trip the alarm in the hopes that the Feds will attempt to be useful
John: but they haven't been for the entire movie…excluding me of course
Feds: so we are pretty much useless
More Feds: yes you are
Feds: and by the way Gabrielle can take away billions of our dollars
More Feds: crap
Feds: I know
Matt: hackerness lalala
Villain: I'm here so you need to be dead
John: Correction you must be dead
Matt: Gah! Bullets let me fall down this convenient hole so I will be out of danger
Me: but the way down hurts! Noooooooo! Mommy poor Matt!
Mom: we know its ok
Matt: John?
John: Matt?
Matt: John!
John: Matt!
Matt: look a way out! Let me kick away these bars.
Me: sparkly eyes aaw he's being kind of badass for once! So cute
Director: see he has started to become brave despite his hair
John: *suddenly distracted now runs off*
Me: uuuum…so he just leaves Matt not knowing if he's ok? Where the buddyness of that? What the hell
Director: I sense an action sequence on the horizon
Gabrielle: something's wrong here
Me: like your questionable sexual orientation?
Gabrielle: maybe but that's not it…bad guy go see what the problem is
Bad guy: K
Bad guy: look a bald man I think I should fight him
John: I win *picks up walky talky* lalalala I pwn all you people
Gabrielle: I hate you
Matt: look I am now a badass hacker and will foil the baddies attempts to steal the nations money
Bad guy: bitch please
Matt: but I was being brave
Bad guy: and now you're being captured
Matt: so my life sucks
Gabrielle: via walkie talkie so I can kill you daughter right now
John: but then the movie wouldn't be very good
Gabrielle: hmmm must try a new tact…I am actually not a bad guy
John: uuuuh so all of what we have been seeing is wrong?
Gabrielle: uuum new plan…Lucy make him listen
Lucy: hey dad there's pretty much 4 people left now
John: cool
Gabrielle: I hate you and I will eventually kill all of you very dead
Matt: hey I'm here now…but I'm still captured…
Gabrielle: I am beginning to think I may not succeed
Matt: really because the fact that your nemesis is bald was no indication?
Lucy: hey you sexy thing you
Matt: eh?
Lucy: nothing I didn't say anything except that my name is Lucy
Matt: I am Matt
Gabrielle: We are leaving now and you two are along for the ride
Director: and now with only a half an hour left I set up the romance aspect of the film
Me:…
Director: but now back to more fight scenes
Me: so what follows is another fight scene between a random guy and John and the most entertaining aspect is the fact that the guy is referred to as a hamster
Guy: and for a moment you think I have superhero tendencies despite my hair
John: the thought never crossed my mind
Matt: so um this might be bad and don't piss these people off and make them worse
Lucy: you're a man act like it
Matt: sounds like John…but you have hair…I feel confused now.
John: oh no they are leaving…*leaps onto moving car* but seriously people I'm really a perfectly normal person *takes out car driver and starts driving car* perfectly normal people
Me: and the car was moving this whole time…just…whatever
Gabrielle: *puts computer in front of Matt* fix it or die
Matt: hmmm Lucy told me to act like a man and I have been building up for my big brave moment…so no
Gabrielle: *punches Matt*
Me: HOW DARE YOU!!!
Mom: It's just a movie he's not real
Me: I DON'T CARE HE PUNCHED MATT HE WILL DIE!!!!!!!!
Matt: *looking teary eyed and adorable because he's acting brave but is actually scared like a realistic person would be* nope not gonna do it
Me: hold on a sec I need a moment to recover…and glomp Matt
Gabrielle: well violence was always my preferred method of encouragement
Matt: crap
Me: I bet John would tell him to shoot…
Other villain: uh problem here
Lucy: yay it's my daddy!
John: *via walkie talkie* hey Freddie I know we didn't get off on the right foot
Freddie: eh you know my super secret frequency?
John: never mind that I need to you to be a good hearted soul and help me save my daughter by patching me through to the Feds
Freddie: let me contemplate that…k
Director: but now that the character has gone out of character for possibly interesting reasons lets move on
John: Hey guys Gabriel's here and your not
Gov. Guy; working on it
John: good now if I die send in everyone and get my daughter out
Audience: but he's bald remember?
Me: they would send in everybody for one girl? Isn't that a little extreme?
Director: moving on again
Jet pilot: wee I have been sent here to keep an eye on things!
Me: whatever that means
Gabrielle: yay for hackerness picks up headset hey so pilot I'm not the bad guy the bald guy is
Pilot: really?
Gabrielle: yup
Pilot: ok
Director; and now its John vs. Jet plane
Gabrielle: ha
John: now we will forever prove my immortality
Me: so he's driving on a bridge that's collapsing and jumps out of the car before it explodes and land on the jet which crashes and also explodes and he's still alive
Director: but he's walking with a limp see?
Me: he shouldn't be moving at all
Director:…I like fire it's really pretty
Me:…
Gabrielle: we have arrived at our good old warehouse we will soon be leaving to an unknown place but first…oh Matty boy
Matt: nope not doing it
Gabrielle: *shoots Matt in the knee*
Me: *gasps in horror* that's it this bitch must DIE!!!!
Mom: uuum it's really ok
Me: never mind that. He will DIE!!!!!!!
Matt: and I react realistically to pain as well! OW SHIT THAT HURTS!!!
Gabrielle: Yea and I'm gonna shoot the girl in ten seconds so go
Matt: gah! The pressure
Me: it's ok Matt it will all be ok
John: I'm here and I'm bald let's go! Hey Lucy how's the weather? *gets shot by villain*
Lucy: Crap my dad who I only love again because he's saving my ass is gonna die
Matt: his hair must be growing back…
Me: so is Gabrielle dead yet?
John: Bald powers…failing
Gabrielle: haha your gonna die now
John: nope because I said my cheesy hero line
Gabrielle: really?
John: Yippikayae motherf*cker
Me: I really think yabba dabba doo motherf*cker is so much better
Fred Flintstone: as do I
John: My superbaldyness has returned and so I shoot the villain THROUGHT MY OWN SHOULDER! (Since he is standing right behind me this method is effective)
Gabrielle: and since I have been a rather bad villain this whole movie and am no match for his superhuman baldness I am dead with a single shot
Me:…no comment
Other bad guy: And here is my moment to shine and become the new Main Villain!
Matt: but I save the day! I kill you very dead!
Lucy: I find that strangely sexy but must first tend to my wounded padre
John: I think my hair must be growing back because I'm actually feeling pain right now.
Lucy: you're kind of dumb but this is a happy film so I love you despite your stupidity
John: works for me
Me: so the movies winding down now what's left?
Director: big shiny eyes another fight scene?
Me: NO!
Lucy: Matt appears to be in shock go talk to him
John; yea cool…walks over so you have become a man
Matt: should I shave my head?
John: not yet but I hear chicks dig scars
Matt: does Lucy?
John: no
Matt: crap
John: but you have become a man and are therefore 'That Guy'
Matt: well that's spiffy
John: yup
John: hello daughter
Lucy: did Matt say anything about me?
John: I hate my life
The End
Ok so if you enjoyed that and would like to see other movies parodied let me know (but be patient with me because school takes up a lot of time) I will parody a movie as long as I have seen it…
so yea please R&R it brightens up my gloomy gloomy day