"So whatever happens, whatever you decide, Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"
Kate gaped at Castle as he spoke those words. Her brain couldn't process exactly what Castle was asking. "Wha—what?" she stammered.
"I love you, Kate. And I want more from our relationship. I want you to know where I stand. No more avoiding these questions. No more floating along. This is what I want, and I need to know if you're on board too."
Castle seemed calm on the exterior, but inside he felt as if he was going to throw up. His mother was right. He wasn't doing enough for this relationship, and he sure as hell wasn't going to let Kate escape to DC like he had let Kyra run to London. He glanced up at Kate. She was still staring at him, looking confused.
"So you aren't breaking up with me?" she asked.
Castle's expression turned from nervousness to confusion. "Why did you think I was breaking up with you?"
"You looked so forlorn while you were talking. I thought that you were about to end things," she replied.
"I'm just nervous!" Castle exclaimed. He realized how tense he was and flexed his shoulders as he waited for her answer. Kate smiled as she looked down at him.
"And speaking of, are you going to give me an answer, or am I going to have to kneel here all day?"
"Oh Castle…" Kate started. Her smile faded. "I can't answer you yet. I have so much to think about."
Castle blanched as he comprehended her words. "Kate! What are you saying? Do you not love me? Did I do something wrong?" Castle blurted out. He looked down. He felt tears prick the corners of his eyes as he processed her words. He had lost her. His mother was right. Too little too late. He allowed his insecurities to take over as his shoulders slumped.
Kate slid off of the swing and kneeled next to Castle. "No, Castle, it's not that at all. Please don't think that. I love you more than anything. 'I just want you,' remember?" She paused and looked at Castle. He was still staring at the ground, trying not to cry.
"It's just – I have so much on my mind right now. The job offer, moving to DC, possibly leaving my life behind to start in a new city – it's overwhelming. I just need some time to sort out those things first, OK?"
Castle felt panic rise in his throat as she mentioned the job offer, but he quickly pushed it aside. He didn't really want Kate to take this job. Of course he would support her and follow her no matter what she decided, but he knew that her home was at the 12th. Castle was still staring at the ground as he started to plead with her.
"Kate, I meant what I said. 'No matter what you decide.' I'm in this relationship for the long haul. You don't have to decide between the job offer and me. You can have both!" He looked up at her and saw the tears pooling in her eyes. He reached out to touch her shoulder and slid his other hand under her chin, forcing her to look at him.
"Castle," she started as she tried to look anywhere but his eyes. "I'm sorry for being so distant lately. I'm so sorry for not telling you about travelling to DC. And most of all, I'm sorry for considering these options without you."
She let her apologies spill out along with her tears, and Castle quickly pulled her into his arms. He rubbed his hand through her hair as he tried to calm her down. He pushed her hair back behind her ear and spoke.
"It's OK, Kate. I know who you are, and I know that you are incredibly independent. I just ask that you consider the effects of this on our relationship."
Kate nodded into his shoulder. "I will. I promise. And I promise to tell you what I'm thinking from now on," she said, muffled into his shoulder.
Castle pulled her into a tight embrace. He let her cry as he considered his options. The worst possibility was that Kate would say no to his proposal. He didn't want to think about that. He knew that he had to make it clear to Kate that he would be with her, no matter if she took the job or not. He could give her some space to decide, but he also worried about letting her get away. He again thought about Kyra and decided right then to never let that repeat itself.
"Kate, look at me." She looked up at him, and the corners of his mouth turned up into a small smile as he saw her tear-stained face. "Don't be so upset. I don't want you to be stressed over this. This is supposed to be a happy moment."
He immediately regretted adding that as he saw her frown. He knew exactly what she was thinking.
"Don't even think that you're ruining this. It's not you; I shouldn't have asked so soon." Would she ever get over the irrational fear that she wouldn't be good enough?
Castle knew that Kate had been questioning their relationship lately, but he chose to avoid those questions because he knew exactly what he wanted. Her. He just needed a way to make that clear to her. He had bought the ring after Kate had surprised him with his amazing birthday party. He had hoped that proposing would answer all of her questions.
"But I wanted you to know that I'm serious about us," Castle said. "Does that answer your question? 'Where are we going?'"
Kate nodded, and he saw a small smile start on her lips.
Castle wasn't sure what to do next. Should he give her an ultimatum? No, Kate wasn't the type of woman to go for an ultimatum. He had a feeling that she would get frustrated with him if he gave her a deadline.
Before he could decide what to do, Kate interrupted his thoughts. "Castle, it's not that I don't want to marry you. I do want to marry you. Eventually. I know that you're my one and done. It's just - I can't give you a straight answer right now. My thoughts are spread among so many different things. So – could you ask me at another time?"
He understood where she was coming from, but this whole thing was so embarrassing. He hated to admit it, but she had hurt his confidence by saying no. The next time he proposed would have to be perfect, and at a time where he knew she would say yes. He decided to give her space, as much as it frightened him. He just didn't want to lose her after everything they had been through.
"I guess," said Castle. "Take your time to think about it. But please remember, you don't have to pick between the job and me. I can write anywhere. Alexis is away at school, and my mother can live at the loft." He looked Kate in the eyes. "Promise me that you'll think about everything?" he asked.
"I promise," said Kate.