Author Note: I hope I can be forgiven for this random idea that hit me in the middle of a sunny Saturday afternoon and nagged me to write. If you don't like me poking some harmless fun at Mary Sues and fanfiction clichés, then you probably shouldn't waste your time reading this. If not, read on and review/flame, either is fine by me!
Apologies for re-posting this, the site's been playing up...
The Grand Line Immigration Bureau
The diminutive old lady tapped her pen impatiently across the woodchip desk and craned her neck to look down the mounting queue of people coming from the boundary gate. Yet again it was one hell of a busy day for Amazon, dealing with the usual rabble of strange travellers wanting to cross the border. It had got to the point that so large was the volume of immigrants that each person that stood before her in the Grand Line Immigration Bureau had become just a photograph pressed on to a form. Hmm. The paperwork. The heaving, groaning mountains of paperwork. Best not to think too much about that. Any day soon the Shandrians were going to want all their trees back.
Amazon took a sip from the slightly grubby Cyberpanda coffee cup that was starting to leave a sticky indentation on the desk and bellowed in her hoarse voice, "Next please!" A teenage girl with striking black eyes and long, silkily exquisite raven-coloured hair came gliding over to the desk.
"Name?" asked Amazon in a tone of voice that had long been devoid of interest. The job was temporary, whilst Skypeia was being remodelled, and caring was simply not in the job description.
"Liana Bellington D. Monkey!" came the response.
"Age?"
"Thirteen years old."
"Right," said Amazon as she scribbled in the details, "Point of entry?"
"What?"
"How did you get here?" rephrased the temporary Immigration Officer.
"OMG! Like, one day I was just sitting down in front of the TV, like…"
"O.M.G?" interrupted Amazon, "Where's that?"
But Liana carried on regardless.
"I was, like, minding my own business, watching my fave episode of One Piece when suddenly it got really dark and…"
"Let me guess, you got sucked into the TV?" sighed the prune-like octogenarian.
"OMG! How did you…?"
"I'll ask the questions, thank you."
As Amazon wrote, "TV with gross time/space defect" under the "Point of Entry" section, she made a mental note to urge the TV manufacturers to send out another blasted Product Recall.
"Any other reason for wanting to migrate here?"
"OMG! Now that you mention it, I'm secretly Monkey D. Luffy's long lost sister and I'm actually the love child of his tragically dead mother and Gold Roger, who smuggled me out of the country just before he got executed and…"
"I see," said Amazon, scribbling away.
"And I'm also gonna be Luffy's rival. I'm gonna be the first Pirate Queen! Don't forget that! And I'm completely insane and will annoy the hell out of him and his crew!"
"Yes, yes, of course."
In the box marked, "Reasons for Passage" Amazon wrote: "Luffy's long lost sister no. 12 874. Result of frequent clandestine encounter with ex-Pirate King Gold D. Roger and (now deceased) mother of Monkey D. Luffy." without even trying to think about the dubious and nonsensical sexual politics. The act of the secret, lustful rendezvous was overrated in any case.
Eventually she picked up her faithful portable camera and with one tiny click, the face of Luffy's Long Lost Sister no. 12 874 was captured and tacked on to the file before having an "APPROVED" mark stamped across it.
"Welcome to One Piece, " said Amazon dryly, "On the left over there is the entrance to the Grand Line".
"OMG thanks!" beamed the Long Lost Sister before running over to a gaping hole in the floor on Amazon's far left. Through the gap a few stringy white clouds could be seen ambling past. It was a long way down. Yet without a single second of hesitation, Liana hooked her legs over into the gap and slipped down into the void. Amazon winced slightly as the characteristic shriek of a girl free-falling into the world of One Piece reverberated across the bureau. She glanced at two sets of doors directly adjacent to the hole and sighed. Why didn't they ever take the stairs or the elevator down?
Amazon took another shot of caffeine and summoned the next traveller, a winged, perfectly toned yet battle-torn beauty of a warrior in dainty little heels with an enormous sword strapped to her back.
"Name?"
"Crystallia Blossom Kagehime. With two "l's" in 'Crystallia'".
Honestly, thought Amazon, what was wrong with good, solid names like Sarah or Laura nowadays? Did everybody have hippie parents?
"Age?"
"Twenty-six."
Amazon looked up at this maidenly herald of Armageddon. She had shimmering blonde hair, ice-coloured eyes that could shatter the hardest soul and perfect cupid's bow mouth.
So Amazon put "16" under "Age".
"Point of entry?"
"A neighbouring faraway land full of drought, poverty and oppression, ruled by the tyranny of corrupt officials and opportunist pirates…"
"I see. Any specific name for this necropolis?"
"…a land where the sun burns its terrible mark into the soil and children cry for their marred souls…"
Amazon tapped her pen across her forehead irritably and not foreseeing an end to Crystallia's maudlin monologue, wrote "Alabaster" on the form for simplicity's sake. She picked up the camera and slid her finger over the shutter button.
"Wait!" cried Crystallia, "Don't you want to know why I'm fighting, endlessly struggling, to get over the border?"
"I wouldn't call a 20 minute wait in a bureau an endless struggle and you just told me why you're here so…"
"I absolutely have to find and challenge that notorious swordsman Roronoa Zoro…"
Oh dear. Not another one, thought Amazon as Crystallia went off into another monologue vaguely involving storms, infinite pain, Shinigami and for some reason, half the cast of Naruto. In the meantime Amazon added, "Challenger no. 200 944 of Roronoa Zoro" on to the form and pondered upon why the only organisation that didn't seem to have a hit out on Roronoa was the Mafia. After she had grown bored of this contemplation she finally convinced Crystallia to stop miming out her second death and stamped her form. Then off went the Angel-Swordswoman of Marimo Doom on her way. She too opted for the gaping chasm. Amazon winced again as she plunged down like an elegantly carved boulder, the use of the wings clearly forgotten or dramatically ignored. Really, what was wrong with the damn elevator?
Amazon sighed and called for the next intrepid adventurer, a lady of an ample bosom wearing bunny ears and bearing the name of "Candita Usa-chan". She was more interested in exploring the contents of Black Leg Sanji's heart-patterned boxer shorts# than the sights of West Blue.
They're all so highly-sexed, thought Amazon over the course of the morning as she approved an uncountable number of would-be seducers of Sanji, Zoro and Nami, a dozen for Luffy and Robin and one highly depraved individual who planned to have all five at the same time. By the time lunchtime had arrived, such things had put the Immigration Officer well and truly off her food but the Immigration Bureau were tighter than Petty Officer Helmeppo's trousers when it came to lunch breaks. She had to go on the designated hour. So after approving one more swordsman and Pandaman, who had recently been deported back to China, she pulled down her "Out to Lunch" sign and stood up to leave. Unfortunately this was the very moment that the Strawhat Pirates chose to storm the bureau.
"Oh, what now?" said Amazon bearly noticing or caring that Luffy and Zoro had torn the door off its hinges. Both of them were sweating heavily, a feverish tint in their eyes. But they weren't the only ones. The Roronoa assassination faction that were queuing in the bureau, stirred by the smell of sweaty swordsman, ominously moved their hands to their varying numbers of swords. The Sanji seduction squad began to vigorously apply perfume.
"Obaasan, we have to get across the border now!" yelled Luffy.
"Yes!" added Nami, "It's an emergency!"
"Emergency?" questioned the Immigration Officer, "What kind of emergency?"
"A kind of how-am-I-ever-going-to-to-fit-into-high-school emergency!" replied Luffy.
Amazon just stared at him blankly.
"This is urgent!" growled Zoro, "I mean, how the hell else can I express my undying love for Luffy at the high school prom?"
"Yeah, and me and Sanji have to be crowned Prom King and Queen," said Nami, "Right, Sanji-kun?"
From a far corner of a room came a muffled noise that they took to be an agreement, for Sanji was busy being blissfully suffocated under a rather large and busty lady-pile. It made rugby scrums look tame.
"Then there's also me," cut in Usopp, "If I don't get across the border then however will my secret crush confess her passionate, burning love for me!"
He was met with silence and stony, aghast expressions all around the bureau.
"Don't lie Usopp," said Zoro, scowling, "Everybody knows they all hate you over there. Hell, even I hate you."
Another silence. The proverbial tumble weed fluttered past.
"I'll be under the table with my depression aura if anybody actually wants me, " muttered the sniper.
"What about us? " piped up Chopper, "What will me and Robin do over there?"
"Well that's obvious," replied Luffy with his characteristic grin, "Robin can read books and be clever like she always is and you can visit your friends in Lapland or something."
"What about me?" asked Franky. He went completely unheeded.
"So Obaasan, you gonna let us through?" asked Luffy. Amazon's brows furrowed and created, if it were possible, even more creases in her already raison-like skin.
"If you can pay the immigration toll of 8 000 000 000 Berri, then…"
"But that's extortionate!" exclaimed Nami, "You know we can't pay that, we couldn't last time!"
Amazon opened her mouth as if to argue but her stomach got in before her and emitted a stately groan. The idea of a Jayan smoked ham sandwich was starting to sound more appetising. She shrugged.
"It doesn't matter. Pass or don't pass - either one makes no odds to me, I am neither permanent nor paid enough." Then she wandered off to the staff room.
"Alright!" said Luffy, "High school, here we come!"
But Nami didn't seem to be sharing her captain's enthusiasm. Instead she was staring straight ahead towards the boundary gate with a look of great apprehension on her face.
"Err guys…"
The crew followed her line of sight. Between the walls of the bureau a miniature army seemed to have formed, at least five people deep and consisting entirely of swordsmen and women all brandishing named swords of various sizes. Inflamed by bloodlust, they stood between the Strawhats and their prepubescent paradise, bawling, "RORONOA ZORO! WE CHALLENGE YOU!" The last thing that Amazon heard before she closed the staff room door behind her was the fatal chink of several hundred swords being unsheathed and quite possibly the longest, most colourful expletive that she had ever heard come rising up out of the swordsman's mouth.
Several sandwiches and a Doskoi Panda Brand Nutty Bamboo Bar® later, Amazon emerged to find the bureau as calm as an impressionist's mill pond. The Strawhat Pirates were nowhere in sight and the tidal wave of combatants baying for marimo blood seemed to have subsided, an orderly queue maintained once again, although Amazon was sure that the floor never used to be littered with shredded clothing.
Thus the afternoon passed mostly without event. Alongside the usual swordsmen and seducers, Amazon approved a handful of Mihawk's and Shanks's relatives, mostly long-lost daughters, a few old flames of Fire Fist Ace that had crept out of the inter-dimensional woodwork and several individuals fighting for the prime navy rank of Commodore Smoker's protégé. Filling in all these forms was dull and tiresome work but it was at least a moderately quiet job (which was more than could be said about Skypeia lately – honestly, angel kids nowadays). That is, until a stunningly beautiful woman (this description being slightly superfluous, thought Amazon, for weren't they all?) with waist-length chestnut hair and hazel eyes came strolling over. When asked about her reason for wanting to join the world of One Piece she turned bright pink and hesitated before giving her answer:
"Actually, I think Usopp is amazing and would quite like to marry him…"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"
The reaction was explosive. Usopp, whose presence underneath Amazon's desk had largely gone unnoticed thanks to him being enveloped in a fog of rejected lamentation, nearly tipped the old lady out of her chair as he leapt to his feet.
"I do! I accept! I knew you would come for me some time, my love! Captain Usopp will make the most fantastic husband, he will…"
Usopp stopped. Titters of laughter seemed to be breaking out across the bureau. Even Amazon's wrinkly, pursed mouth had pulled itself into a smile and was making a hoarse snorting noise that he assumed was a laugh.
"Good grief," she sniggered, without paying the slightest bit of attention to the sniper, "I've heard some ridiculous tales today but that has to be the first downright lie. You know everybody hates Usopp, nobody would ever want to marry him."
"But…"
The form was screwed up.
"Out! Security!"
As the bureau's few hired heavies escorted Usopp's lone maiden out of the back door, the crushed sniper retreated back under the desk in an even thicker cloud of misery and took to repeating, "Everybody hates me, everybody hates me" as a kind of emo mantra right up until the very end of Amazon's working day, throughout which she delighted in kneeing him in the head. Well the job had to have a better perk than the shoddy free pens and cheap coffee with UHT milk. However the fun had worn off by the time closing time approached and he still sat there in a resolute trance of boundless despair that no amount of prodding or poking with various bits of stationery would break. As she watched the security guards herding out the last few protesting travellers that had been denied their chance of passage for another day, she decided to leave him where he was. He didn't look like he'd be doing anything energetic any time soon anyway.
Suddenly for the second time day, the distinctive sound of a door being wrenched off the wall was heard and revolving slowly around, her eyes once again met the sight of the Strawhat Pirates. Only now their appearance was ever so slightly less impressive. Their clothes had been ripped to shreds to the extent that the captain, the cook and the swordsman were bare-chested and zigzagged with scratches, whilst the women were left with only their bras to maintain modesty. Half of Sanji's trousers were missing and for half a second, Amazon fleetingly thought that half of Nami's skirt had also disappeared. The only crew members that had escaped obvious harm were Chopper, owing to the obvious fact that he didn't wear clothes, and Franky, who oddly remained completely untouched. But nevertheless they looked no less freaked out and enraged than any of the other crew members about whatever terrible misfortune had fallen upon them.
"If you've come back for the one with the long nose," said Amazon, "He seems to have befriended the waste paper bin under my desk."
At these words, the sniper was on his feet like a shot, a huge, shining grin spread across his face.
"I knew you'd come back for me!" he exclaimed, "Luckily Captain Usopp is very generous and can find it in his heart to forgive you all for…"
"Actually," retorted Sanji, chomping down hard on his cigarette, "We came back to get through that damn gate and kick their asses for harming my lovely Nami-san." Whatever had happened must have been truly dire. Sanji was pissed off and his hair was messed up.
"So, you didn't make it past the border?" questioned the Immigration Officer.
"Does it look like we did?!" snarled Zoro, a bit of foam escaping from the corners of his mouth, "Do you think I shred my own clothes and make myself bleed for fun?!"
Everybody collectively thought that this was a matter for debate seeing how psyched-up Zoro tended to become in the midst of battle but no one dared contradict him. There had been enough bloodshed for one day already. And the sight of so many women with swords had left Zoro totally and utterly rattled.
"We were attacked! Without reason! Those demons behind that gate set themselves upon us without a single provocation! There was just no sense and no honour to it!"
"And they stole Cook-san's underpants too," added Robin.
Zoro paused to make a disgusted face, similar to that of a cat coughing up a fur ball, before repeating emphatically, "There was just no sense or honour to it!"
"Yeah," said highly disgruntled Luffy, his hat askew across his head, "They completely outnumbered us and chased us away! That never happens! That shouldn't happen!"
"And the only reason we escaped with our lives, " chipped in Nami, "Was because they all chose to jump into that random hole in the floor, for some strange reason."
"So Obaasan," said Luffy, "You WILL let us through this time!"
"Sorry," replied Amazon without the slightest hint of regret in her voice, "Whilst you were all talking away the security guards just finished locking up the gate."
She stepped aside in order to retrieve her coat from off the back of her chair, revealing that indeed a immensely thick and very heavy steel gate, the kind one might see in some high-security navy prisons, had been heaved into place and secured with a complex system of locks and chains. Zoro and Sanji simultaneously tensed themselves.
"No problem," said the cook, extinguishing his roll-up and flexing a few bruised muscles, "We can just kick it down." The elderly angel emitted a snort.
"Good luck to you then. That gate is rock solid. They even tested it out on rabid fangirls and they found it to be impenetrable. Whatever the hell rabid fangirls are."
She shuffled over to the Strawhat Pirates and slowly ushered them towards the door.
"If you really want to cross the border so much then come back here tomorrow morning. Preferably not early."
She gave them one last shove through the door but Robin hung back, a pensive expression wide across her face.
"Immigration Officer-san," she said quietly, "There's something been bothering me that I'd like to ask, if you'd permit me to…"
"Yes?"
"That queue of people that we saw here earlier - are there always that many here?"
"Sometimes there are more."
"So that flow of people is normal for an average day, right across the course of the year?"
"I suppose so."
Amazon contorted her face into a scowl. This woman was standing in her path between here and real coffee.
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, " said Robin, "The Immigration Bureau must be aware that if this number of travellers remains constant then there is no possible way that the world government or our environment can support so many people. So why do they continue to let them in?"
The old lady drew her breath in sharply through her teeth. They both knew that Robin would never let her go home until she told her.
"You know that hole in the floor?"
"The one next to the elevator that nobody ever uses?"
"Yes. In the sea directly beneath that hole…is a very large and extremely well-fed Seaking."
Without pausing to observe the archaeologist's reaction, Amazon closed and locked the door behind them both.
Meanwhile, Usopp had retaken his position under the desk, had drawn cross little faces on the bits of paper in the waste paper bin and was repeating a new emo mantra about how even the bacteria and the specks of dust loathed him.
THE END
#See Alabaster Arc in the anime. No really, they're green with purple hearts.
Waaaahh, Usopp I'm sorry! But I felt it had to be done - I've read so many fics that start with people setting out their hatred for Usopp and basically sidelining him, it's drives me up the wall! I blame the dub for this...
Still, he's better off than Franky though. Maybe writers don't quite know what to do with him yet but I've bearly read anything that made a decent inclusion of him. It's like Water 7 didn't happen sometimes...