A/N: So, It's the first one shot that I do and actually kinda like it, I didn't really like the other two, it is based on the new Jonas song: What Do I Mean t You –obviously, so maybe if you hear it during reading it will give you the atmosphere :) Hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it :)
Ps_ If you want we may make it into a two-shot changing the end ;)
What Do I Mean To You
Watching as she wildly moved on the dance floor, shaking her perfectly shaped –and shown body; I did nothing but chug down my glass of vodka desperately wanting to blur her image out of my sight. No matter how much I drank, whenever I looked her way, it seemed to drag me to reality with a hard slap.
I watched as she pressed herself against the drunken dude grabbing her by the hips in the dimly lit club and to the loud music blaring. She was dirty dancing with him on the dirty floor all surrounded by sweaty, half naked and drunken people. I literally wanted to puke, not sure if it is because of the alcoholic effect… or her!
I turned away and ordered another drink as the bartender looked at me sympathetically as he was also known as my friend knowing exactly the situation I'm in.
She was happy over there, she was doing her own thing, she was dancing the night away with some guy she just met like she has done a lot before. She didn't need me.
I never got why she was doing this frequently, when I told her before that everything will be just fine without this, with just both of us together.
A couple of drinks later, when I was finally starting to get wasted and escape from reality, I felt someone blob beside me. However, I refused to turn and see who it was, partly because I was afraid of what will happen, and partly because I already know; after all, I could never mistake her perfume or how her hair flipped around her shoulders so loosely.
"It's too hot." She giggled waving her hands in front of her face and ordered herself a drink joking a little with the shared friend of us also known as the bartender.
When he left to get her drink not forgetting to send me a sorry look, she finally turned to me, angry.
"What is wrong with you?" She said with a glare and gritted teeth. Only because she already knows what is wrong, but did she care? Guess not.
I shrugged feeling the familiar sharp pain thrusting through my chest and towards my heart, "Nothing," I replied shortly not wanting to re-open the closed cases and cause the slight pain to turn into a killing dreadful ache.
"You turn me down in a moment when I was on the top of the world and then you say there's nothing?" I felt her sharp glare at me. But, I could care less about her glare right now; nothing made me burn other than her stupid accusation; me? Turning her down?
I slowly turned towards her as she only sharpened her glare even more. "And what did I do to take your temper down?" I asked a little sarcastically-so unlike me with her, but seriously, I have a lot inside me unspoken. But, my quietness and unenthusiastically treating her made her crazy.
"You ignored me." She said as if it's the end of the world. I couldn't help myself. I laughed. I threw my head back and laughed in her face. Humorlessly laughing, I took her by surprise that she didn't even notice the negative power radiating from that sarcastic laugh.
"You always do and you don't see me complaining." I told her bitterly quiet as she kept staring slash glaring at me for a good five seconds.
"Are you saying that I ignore you?" She moved her head forward towards me as she whispered with narrowed eyes and a pointed hand towards me. I was taken aback for a second as I saw her acting like this, but then I realized it must have been the alcohol because she always acted like this.
"I'm only stating the truth." I shrugged as I moved backward relaxing in my seat and took another gulp of my drink acting carelessly. I don't know what got over me. I noticed just like she did that I never treated her like that, no matter how much she's turned me down. Well, it may be true what they say about how a drunken man is more honest than a sober one; at least it is in my case; 'cause I'm sure I drank a hell lot of alcohol tonight.
"The truth?" She gave a sarcastic chuckle, "The truth is that I ignore you? Who stays with you while you're as drunk as hell? Who patiently listen to you when you're babbling and being a drama queen about your problems, huh? Who always beg you to come out of your house when you're being sucked by your misery? Tell me, who?" she said furiously as she kept punching my shoulder as she listed her achievements with me.
I was shocked. Purely shocked. Not only me, though. The bartender also was staring at her as if she's an alien. But in my eyes, she was really a one. She has turned into a heartless soul in the body of a beautiful lady admired by more than half the population of that club.
"You. Yes it's you." I nodded slowly and she seemed to relax a little thinking I'd come back to my senses, but I was not done not even close to done, not this time around. "You stay with me when I'm drunk… but only when you don't have somewhere else to be, or didn't get someone good enough to have as a nightstand, so you take time with me."
"What are you-" she wanted to interrupt me protesting, however, I didn't fail to notice the sudden change of tone as she now was more surprised than angry. Her attempt to protest didn't work when I harshly cut it off.
"Zip it." I yelled with now a loud tone as I dropped the quiet calm act and started showing my real emotions and my struggle.
My problems, ah, you listen to my problems. Just for gossip, right? What do you really know about my problems? You wants to hear about the oh so called fights and arguments with family or friends. But did you once care about them or told me what to do, even though it was pretty obvious I was in so much shit?
Oh, and let's talk about you begging me to come out of my house when I'm sucking up in my misery. First, I never knew that begging is the definition of screaming and fighting someone to do what you want; I actually thought it was the complete opposite, so thanks for enlightening me. Secondly, you only start shout and beg me to go out clubbing when I'm miserable, because you know exactly why. No matter how you act like you don't, deep down you know."
She stared at me with an open mouth and a strand of her blond hair falling down on her face challenging me to reach out and tuck it behind her ear safely with a gentle touch and a reassuring smile.
"You," she said wordlessly lacking vocabulary at my sudden uncalled for burst. However, she eventually got over it and regained her ability of speaking… and acting, "You're unbelievable." she said quietly, "How could you think that of me…?" she whispered oh so innocently as she reached out a hand to touch my face lovingly but I held it in mid-air.
"Don't." I shook my head, "It's not working this time." I closed my eyes hurt, finally admitting more to myself that all the times she has done this, she was just acting. Never real.
"What's wrong with you? You're drunk, right? That's why you're acting so weird." She reasoned out to herself, again fighting the truth.
"I may be drunk, but, I know what I'm saying here. You, my friend, don't care about me, or the fact that I'm in love with you." By reaching this point, I had my voice raised almost screaming and I was breathing heavily with tears forming in the corner of my eyes.
"I don't care? Then why do you think I'm friends with you, huh?"
"For the fun of it." I threw my hands up in the air staring down at her; I don't know when we were both up on our feet shooting daggers at each other, but we were and there was no going back now,
"You aren't really friends with me. You just act like a one when you're free. When there's no one to go to, because I'm the only one who stick around you the whole time no matter how badly you hurt me. You drag me to a different club every night and refuse whenever I ask you to dance but then unhesitant agree when the first dude asks you lustfully. You enjoy torturing me as I watch you losing yourself in the night with some stranger who you'll end up dumping after some fun or go home with.
You take my need for you like a child needs his mother to your favor; you enjoy knowing how deeply in love I am with you but never getting to be truly with you. You go on hurting me like you're some kind of an evil villain and then come back acting all sorry and get me to forgive you in a moment forgetting about the truth that I love you and you just adore that power you have over me. You love how you're so close to me being my best friend and yet so far rejecting me numerous times that I lost counting.
You adore it how I left everything behind for you, my career, my old friends, and my family is in the process, yet, I was happy because it was for you and never complained. You love how I'm always there for you whenever you need me, but you're never there when it's the other way around."
This time, I saw real tears glistening in her eyes, but she covered them up with the hard face, typical.
"Are you done yet?" she raised an eyebrow. "I thought we were done with that topic to never ever open it again." She folded her arms over her chest.
I was speechless, how could she turn into this hard core person? How can she just be so emotionless, she never saw me pour my emotions like that ever since… forever. She always wanted me to talk openly and share, but I didn't know how to, however she was always the most one I opened up to, and now that I tell it all, she's acting like a heartless bitch?
"I… I can't believe you!" I said with wide eyes, "Look at yourself. You didn't even realize how drunk I am until you wanted to use it into your favor. Look at what you're wearing. Face it, you've turned into a cheap girl." I shouted at her as suddenly right after I finished my sentence, her hand collided hardly with my face in a hurtful slap. But, it didn't change my mind. "I never want to see you again." I whispered to her hatful and pushed against her leaving, but a few steps away I turned again, "And this is not a drunk man babbling. I mean it."
For the first half of the way out, it was just the suffocating music filling up my ears, but for the other half, I heard her muffled voice calling up my name angrily and ordering me to wait up, at this moment I knew I've done the right decision and without any ounce of doubt, I left.
I left the love of my life, the only one I've truly loved ever since I met her years back. The one I was happily willing to take a bullet for, jump in front of a train for and just die for.
I wasn't willing to drive right now, and actually I found it hard to grasp air throughout my nose and into mu lungs, so, I decided to walk and catch some air and will… think.
When I realized what I've done, I was shocked.
Why did I do this? Why did I just out of the blue decide to fill her in on what I've been feeling since I told her that I still love her. A year ago.
It happened a lot, almost every night, and I was doing good at hiding it and acting cool, so, why now?
I need her.
But also, I really need to know if I even meant something to her. Is it possible that I was the only one feeling the chemistry back when we first met? But everyone said they were there. She said it was there. But that was before she ever changed. Now, she denies it was ever there, even from my side.
And right now, after how she reacted; her screams, her tears that she tried to hide, her calling after me when I left, her slapping me,
I knew exactly what I mean to her.