I Want You Back
Two years. It's been two years since I walked out of that therapist's office and left the love of my life behind. Looking back now I know it was worth the pain. We'd been drowning for a while, desperately kicking at the water trying to resurface, as one of us came up for air the other was dragged under. Suffocating the life out of each other. The love was suffocating, yes there was love right until the end but the wrong kind of love. A love so consuming we were both blind to the damage that was being done until it was too late. I have no doubt of her love, I have no doubt of my own. The love was why we fought for so long, why we'd argue so passionately, why I was able to walk away. I wanted so much for her, I loved her enough to know that without me she could thrive again. I could thrive again. And together we could thrive for our daughter.
Sofia. For months after that day she was the only reason I got up in the morning, she was my inspiration, my reason to live. For the days I was crippled with doubt, that id made the wrong decision, that I needed her back, that I could only ever feel whole again if I was back in her arms, those were the days I leaned on our daughter. She became my rock, I became a dedicated mother, she my company, my confidant. It sounds funny I know confiding in a 4 year old but it has its advantages. Children don't judge, they are blunt for sure, but some days that is what I needed. This little girl was now the soul that held my entire heart. Or at least I had been foolish enough to believe that for well over a year after that day. How wrong I was, Sofia was OUR daughter after all.
I couldn't avoid her for the rest of my life. I'd have to interact with her eventually. We work together for goodness sake! Her friends are my friends, we cross paths in more ways than not. Sure those first months were the hardest. Elevator rides filled with awkward silences, polite smiles that didn't quite meet the eyes, pain filled glances that even I was guilty of. But the dark clouds that had covered the two of us for years, not just after we split, gradually lifted. We were living again, not just simply existing for the sake of being alive. The two of us were at the top our medical fields at the height of ground breaking research and surgeries. We were able to hold civil conversation, work together with positive outcomes both as surgeons and as mothers to our beautiful daughter. That spark has returned in her eyes. That spark that made me fall in love with her all those years ago. She walks around the hospital with a spring in her step, the perk back in her voice and devotion to her patients as strong as ever. Watching her interact with our daughter only confirmed this return, apparently Sofia is her reason to live too. Watching the two gives me comfort the most that I made the right decision in setting us both free. We are both happier, healthier individuals than we were two years ago.
Sofia has been our mutual ground throughout these two years, our main source of interaction. By now we are able to spend time together the three of us as a family unit again. It started out with short lunches in day-care at the hospital, those turned into early dinners together until Sofia's bedtime that were spent at whoever's house she was scheduled at that night. This leading to outings on shared days off. It happened so naturally that neither of us thought much of it. We began to spend time together without Sofia, sharing a glass of wine after she'd gone to sleep or grabbing a coffee together before work. She slowly became my bestfriend and me hers.
This is how I came to find myself heading to her house after my shift had ended for a much needed family fun night with her and Sofia. I knock on the front door and am met with no answer, strange. It is only then that I hear the music, no wonder they'd not let me they'd probably not heard the door over the noise. I pull out the key she'd given me a few weeks ago so I could let myself and Sofia in if ever she was stuck at work later than expected. I gently let myself in and the sight I'm greeted with in the living room takes the air from my lungs.
Swaying and jumping to the music that fills the house, childishly moving about to the infectious rhythm of whatever was on the radio, is the light of my life, Arizona Robbins. Wait, what? Sofia. We meant Sofia, right brain? Sofia is dancing too, it's an easy mistake. So Sofia, ok.
She giggles as the beat kicks up. Her hair falls softly in ringlets framing her pretty face that is wearing that signature super magic, dimple popping smile. Her blue eyes still yet to notice my presence in the doorway. Hang on, you're doing it again, you're supposed to be thinking of how adorable your daughter looks dancing with her momma, your ex-wife. Oh right yes, my ex-wife, Arizona, Arizona who has finally seen me standing here.
Her smile widens as she watches me observe the cute scene of mother and daughter, so does our daughters.
"Mami!" Sofia runs and jumps into my arms , at five years old it won't be much longer that I can keep picking her up like this, " Me and Momma are having a dance party , you can too now you're here!"
"Is that so Mija, I suppose Mami could join in if that's ok with you and Momma?" I glance over to Arizona who nods enthusiastically with that spark burning in her eyes as strong as ever.
"Yay!" Sofia eagerly pulls me into the middle of the room as a new song begins on the radio.
Just let me tell you now,
When I had you to myself, I didn't want you around,
Those pretty face always made you stand out in a crowd...
Sofia grabs mine and Arizona's hand and hops about between us as a young Michael Jackson fills the room with a cheerful melody. Our five year old energetically bounces out of our grasps and on to the couch to jump as the chorus kicks in.
Oh baby, give me one more chance
(Show you that I love you)
Won't you please let me
Back in your heart
Oh darlin', I was blind to let you go
(Let you go, baby)
But now since I see you in his arms
(I want you back)
Yes, I do now
(I want you back)
Ooh ooh, baby
(I want you back)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(I want you back)
Na na na na
I'm not sure if it was impulse or reflex that led me to spin Arizona into my arms as the next verse comes in as I sing into her ear.
Tryin' to live without your love is one long sleepless night
Let me show you, girl, that I know wrong from right
Every street you walk on, I leave tear stains on the ground
Following the girl, I didn't even want around
We continue to sway together as I sing, unknown to us that our daughter had since stopped dancing and was now watching intently as her mother's interact in a way that they haven't in, to a five year old, what seems like forever.
Forget what happened then
(I want you back)
Let me live again
Oh baby, I was blind to let you go
I don't feel the sincerity of what I am singing until I'm face to face with those blue eyes that have had the ability to capture my soul on countless occasions and fade out the world around us. Right now it is just the two of us and I know that I was a fool. Of course she still holds part of my heart. She was and still is the love of my life. Sofia AND her share my heart. That much hasn't changed in two years but we have. We are better people. I made the right decision that day, we needed that divorce we've needed those two years to grow and heal .Yet after all I still love her. If it's possible I've fallen in love with her all over again as we've developed a friendship and strong family unit with Sofia. I want her. I want her and Sofia to fill my future.
Oh baby, I need one more chance, ha
I tell ya that I love you
Baby, baby, baby
I dip Arizona and draw her back up to my face as the song ends.
"You guys are supposed to kiss now!" My little girl prompts. Right on Sof, I knew there was a reason I loved my daughter. I turn my attention back to Arizona who I still hold close in my arms. I see her eyes darken, a sign I know means I can do exactly as Sofia says and kiss the love of my life.
I lean forward connecting my lips to hers, the electricity is instant I know she feels it too from the whimper that escapes her mouth. Two year we've been subconsciously waiting for this. We are one again, our family is reunited completely. As much as I want to deepen this intimate rediscovery I become suddenly aware of the child that is still very much staring. And squealing, and cheering.
As we both pull away and lock eye's our daughter throws herself into our arms and hugs us tightly.
"I love you mommies!" our excited infant expresses.
I'm still yet to break eye contact with the beautiful blonde that captivates my love, she is the same. I continue to hold my gaze as I say, "I love you too Mija, I love your Momma just as much".
Arizona's eyes fill with tears as she speaks, "oh calliope I've missed you."
Yes we are certainly thriving now, about damn time.