It never fails – I have other fics in progress in DIRE need of attention/updates….and my brain gets invaded by a plot bunny, and try as I might, I can't ignore it until I get it written out!
This is inspired by a comment/review to one of my other fics - shout out to Yusuke kun for that! XD
It's also inspired by an episode of Coupling (season 2, episode 2) - funny shit if you've never seen it.
Probably a one-shot, although I've left the ending a bit open, in case I am further inspired and want to continue things!
Lemony, though not quite a full lemon, and yaoi. Slightly AU—Reno's still a Turk, Cloud is a SOLDIER First Class, Zack is still around, Sephiroth is no longer in the picture. So I'm obviously taking a few liberties with canon here.
Summary: ShinRa's weapons department decides to diversify, and branch out into the adult toy market. Scarlet heads up the development and market research for this new venture. However…they need someone to be the "prototype" for their newest and biggest toy. Scarlet has her eye on one particularly well-endowed Turk…
Pairings: CloudxReno, ScarletxRufus
Scarlet was in a bitchy mood; well, bitchier than her usual bitchy mood. The Weapons Department was falling apart, Heidegger was getting on her last damned nerve with his stupid laugh, and Palmer? Palmer was about as useful as tits on a log. Something needs to change, and fast, thought Scarlet. She called an emergency board meeting in order to pitch a new idea that she had been working on recently.
She sat alone in the executive board room for a bit, going over her notes, and awaiting the remaining members of the board. Shortly thereafter, Heidegger, Palmer, and Reeve filed in. Barely glancing up from her notes, Scarlet said, "So where's the President?"
Reeve sighed. He knew better than to piss off Scarlet, but really, she was a most impatient little bitch. "He'll be along shortly, Scarlet. We all had to drop everything for your last minute meeting, so you need to be a little patient. What's this all about, anyway?" he queried.
"I hope it's about the Space Program!" Palmer butted in.
"No, it's NOT, Palmer," Scarlet replied irritably. "In fact, I'm not even sure why I invited you here, I certainly don't need your input on THIS. But," she relented, "since you're on the board I guess there's not a damned thing I can do about it." Palmer turned pink and meekly sank back into his chair, concentrating on his cup of tea, that was by now mostly sugar, as he kept adding cube after cube of the substance.
Heidegger, apparently feeling the need to break the awkward silence after Scarlet's dressing-down of Palmer, remarked, "You know, Scarlet, I'm curious to see what you're up to. You haven't told me what you've been working on lately," he whined.
"You'll see soon enough," Scarlet smiled mysteriously. "I'm very excited about this new idea, and I think it'll bring millions of gil into ShinRa's coffers once again."
"Money, money, tra la la!" piped up Palmer. "Oh, let there be some for my Space Program, pleeeeease?"
"Shut UP, Palmer!" Scarlet and Heidegger barked simultaneously. Reeve stared into his coffee cup, wishing to be anywhere else, and with anyone else, at this particular moment.
Finally, after a few moments, Rufus ShinRa finally arrived, taking his seat at the head of the table. He looked bored, as per usual, and fervently hoped Scarlet had something remotely interesting to say at this meeting. If not, he reasoned, at least I can check out her ass in that tight dress for a bit, so it won't be a complete waste of my time.
Scarlet brightened upon seeing Rufus arrive and take his seat. "President ShinRa," she greeted him. "Thank you for coming, sir. I know this was terribly last minute, so I apologize—"
Rufus held up his hand, interrupting Scarlet. "Cut to the chase please, Scarlet. You said you have an idea for a new business venture for ShinRa. Let's hear it."
"Right away, sir!" she chirped. "Well, gentlemen, as you know – our Weapons Department is operating in the red right now—"
"Not my fault!" Heidegger interrupted. "It's that damned SOLDIER, what's-his-face. You know the one, the blond guy. Anyway, with him defeating Sephiroth, there's no need to vamp up our defense program like there was before—"
Scarlet cut off his protest, saying, "I KNOW that, Heidegger," she snapped. "And that is exactly why I called this meeting. We need to generate gil in another fashion, and I think I've hit upon just the thing." Moving over to the projector, Scarlet turned it on, illuminating the wall to the right of where Rufus was seated. "Now, I've gotten some preliminary figures here from our business office—if sales go the way I think they will, we will eliminate our current debt by the first quarter, and—"
Rufus, looking bored, interrupted Scarlet again. "Scarlet, please elucidate. WHAT exactly does this new venture entail?"
Scarlet laughed. "Kya haa haa! Oh, how stupid of me. The new venture is this!" She clicked on the projector remote, advancing to the next slide in the presentation. "Sex toys!" she crowed. "Or, if you prefer, adult novelties."
"Hmm," said Rufus, showing mild interest. I hope she plans on an actual demonstration, Rufus thought. He smiled wickedly at the image he was now getting, of Scarlet "testing" one of these products, preferably while spread-eagle on the table in the boardroom. He shifted in his chair, a bit uncomfortably, and cleared his throat. "Go on, Scarlet."
"It's pretty simple. After food and shelter, what do people crave the most?" Scarlet posed a rhetorical question.
"Bombs?" answered Heidegger.
"Lard?" hooted Palmer.
Reeve simply groaned and placed his head in his hands. "Sex," he replied quietly. "They crave sex." At the moment, however, Reeve was craving some Exit materia so he could get the hell away from these people.
"Exactly!" said Scarlet triumphantly. "It's a primal urge, as basic to humankind as hunting and gathering."
"Hunting, gathering, and fucking," Rufus quipped. "I like it," he continued, staring directly at Scarlet's cleavage.
"Ahem, well, yes, sir!" said Scarlet, catching Rufus's leering gaze, and blushing slightly.
"Anyway, um….here are some projected figures from the business department," said Scarlet as she handed out an assortment of bar graphs and charts enclosed in a manila folder. "Please, take a moment to look over these. I think you'll find that we'd be foolish not to pursue this venture, it will mean millions, if not billions, in gil for ShinRa."
Rufus, not even looking at the contents of the folder, made his decision. "Sold," he said, smiling at Scarlet. "You've convinced me. Now, what do we have to do to get production moving?"
"Well," Scarlet responded, blushing again, "I do have an idea in mind for our first model. However….we will require a prototype to model for it."
"Prototype? Model?" Heidegger broke in. "What does that mean, Scarlet?"
"It means, Heidegger," Scarlet replied, sounding a bit impatient, "that we will need an actual physical model to be….sculpted. The first model, illustrated here—" Scarlet clicked to the next slide, indicating an illustration of a gigantic phallus—"well, this is merely an artist's rendering. We will actually need someone to provide the…model upon which this will be constructed. The model will have a mold taken of their…naughty bits," Scarlet said, giggling, "and then the mold will be used to produce the actual final product."
"Very interesting," said Rufus. He felt himself becoming aroused the more Scarlet continued talking about the subject. "But….there's one thing. Who will be our model? Where will we find such a….gifted individual?" he asked the room.
The room fell silent for a moment. "Well," said Scarlet, placing both hands on the table, and intentionally leaning forward, letting her cleavage fall out just a bit more, hoping Rufus would notice – "tell me this, gentlemen. Who has the biggest dick in this company?" she demanded.
"I'll….um…make some calls," offered Reeve. "I'll report back to you later!" With that, the meeting was mercifully adjourned.
The Turks were all in their office, filing reports, double spaced and in triplicate, as required by the anal-retentive Tseng. All was quiet, for the most part, except for Reno and Elena teasing each other and squabbling as per usual, with Rude running interference when the two got overly pissed off at one another.
As it was such a quiet day, Tseng was about to dismiss everyone early, when the phone on his desk suddenly rang. "Yes?"
"Tseng, it's Reeve," came the voice over the phone. "I'll need you , and Reno and Rude, down in the SOLDIER training room in ten minutes."
"What's this about, Reeve?" Tseng asked, curiously. "And what about Elena?"
"It'll take too long to explain," answered Reeve. "And as for Elena, no – we don't need her at the moment. Although we may need her down the road for….quality control testing."
"What on earth—" muttered Tseng. "All right, we shall be there. See you shortly."
"Reno and Rude," Tseng said, addressing the two Turks who were sitting at their desks trying desperately to stay awake. "We're needed down in the SOLDIER training room."
"What's this about, yo?" Reno asked. Rude sighed and adjusted his sunglasses. "Eh, let's just go," he said. Rude was about to nod off at his desk anyway, and wanted to get some fresh air.
"Wait a minute yo, what about Elena?" questioned Reno. He didn't particularly care for leaving Elena behind like that. Reno could be a lot of things, but being a sexist wasn't one of them.
"Yeah, what about me?" Elena asked irritably. "I have to babysit the office while you all go off to have fun?" She was a bit annoyed at being left out in this fashion.
"Reeve said he only needed Reno, Rude, and myself at the moment," answered Tseng. "Honestly, Elena, I don't even know what this is about. Although," he continued, "Reeve did say he might need you down the road for testing." Tseng tried to smile reassuringly. He agreed with Reno on this – it didn't feel right to leave Elena behind, but orders were orders.
"Okay," Elena sighed. "Don't have TOO much fun without me, you jerks." She grinned at Reno, Rude and Tseng, and waved good-bye.
Leaving the office, Reno felt his cell phone vibrate, indicating an incoming text. It was from Cloud. He and the SOLDIER had been dating for the past two weeks, and although they hadn't yet consummated their relationship, both knew that moment was imminent. As a result of this sexual tension building up, sexting had taken up a big part of their workdays, and any time Reno's phone went off, it almost made him get an instant hard-on.
Smiling upon seeing Cloud's name displayed on his phone, Reno tapped the button to read the incoming text. "Hi babe," it said. "Zack and I just got called down to the training room. Wonder what's going on? I'll be home whenever I'm done there."
"This is getting curiouser and curiouser," Reno quipped. "Hey, boss-man!" Reno called to Tseng, who was several paces ahead of both he and Rude. "It sounds like some of the SOLDIERS are gonna be there too, what the hell's going on, you think?"
Tseng seemed to think nothing of this. "That doesn't sound out of the ordinary to me, Reno," Tseng replied. "We are going to the SOLDIER training room after all, why would we not see any SOLDIERS there?"
"Hmm," grunted Reno. He quickly texted Cloud back: "They called us Turks down there too. Except for Elena. WTF is going on? C you soon."
Shortly thereafter, the Turks reached the SOLDIER training room. Waiting inside were all of the ShinRa executives: Rufus, Reeve, Heidegger, Scarlet, and Palmer. Also waiting there were Cloud and Zack Fair. Cloud's face lit up as he saw Reno enter the room. He wanted to jump him right then and there, but reasoned that this would obviously be a bad idea, what with all the ShinRa brass present.
Reno saw the expression on Cloud's face, and practically read his mind. He smiled across the room to Cloud, and mouthed the words, "Tonight's the night." Cloud, getting the message loud and clear, blushed crimson. Zack caught the exchange, and elbowed Cloud, winking at him. "You're gonna get laaaaid," he teased. "Shut up, Zack!" Cloud retorted, smiling at him. Zack had been a good friend, and very supportive of Cloud's budding relationship with Reno.
Scarlet addressed the group. "So, I'm sure you all want to know what this is about. I'll make this brief," she said. "First, line up against that wall, all of you," she ordered. "Backs up against the wall, please."
The men all dutifully trudged over to the wall Scarlet was indicating, and faced forward, awaiting to hear what was next.
"Now," Scarlet commanded, "Drop your pants."
Each of the men hesitated upon hearing this. "Drop our pants?" questioned Tseng. "Whatever for?"
"Just do it, Tseng," said Rufus. "That's an order." Rufus felt himself getting aroused again. This day was just getting better and better. He wondered if Scarlet was getting wet…
Glancing at each other furtively, the men all shrugged their shoulders as if in defeat, and began unbuckling their belts. Pants fell to the floor almost simultaneously.
Scarlet gasped when she saw the size of one particular individual on display. "Him! That's the one, that's our prototype." She stepped forward, in front of Reno. "Very impressive, Reno," she said, licking her lips as she looked him up and down. "Very impressive indeed."
Reno grinned. "Thanks, yo. I have no complaints," he snickered.
Cloud felt himself getting hard just hearing this, and tried to sneak a sideways glance at his well-endowed boyfriend.
"Hmm," said Rufus. "That's all well and good, Scarlet, but we need to see him not so flaccid. He needs to be aroused."
"May I ask," Tseng hissed, gritting his teeth, "what on earth this is all about?"
"Oh! Kya ha ha!" laughed Scarlet. "ShinRa is now developing adult toys! And we needed some models. Some very large models, that is. Everyone but Reno can go," she concluded, dismissing the rest of the group. The men all started hitching up their pants, and grumbling amongst themselves - all of them just a bit jealous that Reno was apparently hung like a Trojan horse.
Reno stood there, pants still around his ankles, feeling a bit dazed. Sex toys, he thought. Huh. So there's going to be a sex toy of ME out there? Millions of people will be fucking me? Indirectly, anyway. He smiled at the thought, then wondered if he shouldn't feel a little bit creeped out by the prospect of a mass-produced sex toy modeled upon his own penis.
Rufus, stroking his chin, held up his hand. "Hold on-you there, the blond. Cloud, is it?" he asked. "You, stay behind. I need you to assist us with this next item. We need to see this Turk fully aroused, and you're going to help us," Rufus ordered Cloud.
Cloud, upon hearing this, thought he might faint. He nervously glanced over at Reno, who was standing there with the biggest grin on his face. Damn, am I glad I didn't play hooky today, like I was thinking, thought Reno. This is turning out to be my fucking lucky day!
"Um, see you later, Cloud," smirked Zack as he left the training room. "Have fun!"
"Okay, SOLDIER," barked Heidegger. "Front and center!"
Cloud moseyed over to where Reno was standing, and faced him. He was nervous, but determined to not make a fool of himself in front of a room full of ShinRa executives. "I wish our first time could have been…a little more private," Cloud whispered to Reno.
"Yeah, me too, Spikey," Reno said, smiling lovingly at Cloud. "S'ok, though. I don't mind getting paid to do this, do you?" He laughed.
Cloud shook his head negatively. "Nope. I don't," he said, smiling at Reno. Of course, I wish all these people weren't watching us, he thought. Especially Scarlet. What a fucking cow.
Scarlet, having overheard the entire exchange, butted in. "Oh, this is TOO RICH!" she chortled. "You two are DATING? Even better. Okay….Cloud, we're not going to make you do anything too graphic…unless you want to," she winked. "We just need to see how long Reno is when he's fully erect."
"About nine inches, yo," Reno replied calmly. "Maybe even more than that. It's kind of hard to measure yourself, you know," he laughed.
Everyone in the room felt their eyes widen at this admission. Cloud gulped. Nine? he thought. Thank you, Gaia…
"Okay," said Cloud. "Um…what do you want me to do?"
Rufus considered this for a moment. "Hmm. To start off, why don't you go and stand behind Reno…and perhaps talk dirty to him, whisper sweet nothings in his ear." He smirked.
"Do anything you want," coached Scarlet, "but do NOT, under any circumstance, make him come!"
"Man, this is going to be hard," complained Reno. "Pun intended, yo," he chuckled.
"Reeve, stand by with that tape measure!" barked Scarlet.
Reeve sighed, making a mental note to ask President ShinRa for a raise after this was done.
"Here goes nothing," muttered Cloud. Standing behind Reno, he started running his hands up and down Reno's back, and whispering in his ear. "Does this…feel good?" Cloud asked, hesitantly.
"Hell yeah," purred Reno. "Keep at it, yo."
"Okay. I'm not particularly good at pervy talk, but I'll try," chuckled Cloud.
"Reno," he breathed. "Picture this: you and I are together on a deserted island—"
"Too cliché," laughed Reno. "Dude, just do this – say to me what you'd like to hear ME say to you. Or…what you'd like me to do to you," he said, grinning slyly.
"Hmm, okay," said Cloud. "That's a good idea. Reno..." he continued, "I'm going to make you scream my name in languages you don't even know. I'm going to fuck you senseless and leave you both wanting me to stop, but wanting more."
Reno felt something stir. "Uh, I think it's working, yo," he breathed heavily. "Keep going." Scarlet leaned forward, practically salivating. Rufus decided that now would be a good time to play pocket pool, and shoved his right hand in his pants pocket, moving it around, grunting.
Cloud continued, "I'm going to run my hands all over you, like this." He then ran his hands over Reno's ass, around his side to his hips, and trailed them up over his abdomen. Cloud's hands slid underneath Reno's shirt, inching upward. He felt something cold and hard. "Reno? You have a nipple ring?" Cloud remarked, feeling ever more aroused.
"Yep," replied Reno. "Only one, yo. You like it?" he said teasingly.
"I do," whispered Cloud. "Oh, and Reno?"
"What, Cloud?" he replied.
"Guess where I'm pierced?" Cloud said coyly.
"Oh my fucking Gaia," Reno groaned. "Um…you better stop right there, Cloud, or I'm gonna shoot my load." Cloud grinned, and looked rather pleased with himself.
"Reeve! Tape measure! NOW!" yelled Scarlet. Reeve sighed resignedly, contemplating casting an L4 Suicide spell on himself to put himself out of his misery, but refrained. Trying not to make eye contact with Reno, Reeve knelt down and measured the length, as instructed. "It's, um…" he stammered, "Ten inches, fully erect."
Upon hearing this, Cloud fist-pumped the air and whooped. "Yes!" he shouted. "Um, sorry about that everyone," he apologized sheepishly. "Got carried away, there." Reno laughed at Cloud's uncharacteristic outburst.
Reeve immediately got to his feet and practically threw the tape measure at Scarlet. "Here you go," snarled Reeve, "I am DONE. I have somewhere to be now, so if you'll not be needing me anymore…"
"Fine, fine, Reeve, go away," Scarlet replied, waving Reeve off, and not even looking at him. She found herself very distracted all of a sudden. She looked over toward Rufus, only to find him staring intently at her. Very intently. Rufus motioned Scarlet over to him, licking his lips.
"Um, Mr. President," Scarlet stammered, "I'd like to go over some figures with you….in your office…"
"Yes," Rufus replied quickly, eyes boring a hole into Scarlet. "In private," he added to Heidegger and Palmer, who were both standing there gaping. "You two go and…do something. Somewhere else. And far away from my office." With that he dismissed the two men, who left, looking a bit dumbfounded.
Nodding to Cloud and Reno, Rufus called to them, "You two have been most….helpful today. Thank you." Rufus turned to leave. "You know—as a token of my appreciation, here—take this." He tossed a keycard onto the nearby desk. "It's a keycard to my villa in Costa del Sol. Why don't you go there now, stay for the weekend if you'd like. Reno, feel free to fly yourself and Cloud in one of the ShinRa choppers over there, I am authorizing you to do so."
"Thank you sir!" Reno and Cloud said simultaneously. "That's um….very generous, yo," said Reno, smiling.
"You two enjoy yourselves," said Rufus, grinning. "I know I'm about to." With that, Rufus turned to leave, flinging Scarlet over his shoulder like a rag doll. For once in her life, Scarlet was speechless, and didn't put up any fight.
Reno and Cloud stood facing each other, grinning stupidly. Reno's pants were still down around his ankles, and he quickly pulled them back up. He wanted to get himself and Cloud over to the President's villa as quickly as possible, and standing there with his pants around his feet wouldn't facilitate matters.
"Well Cloud," Reno began. "I guess this will be a night to remember, eh?" he said, smiling
Cloud smiled back at Reno. "It will." He suddenly frowned, as if suddenly realizing something. "Reno? Does the chopper have an auto-pilot setting?"
"It does," Reno said slowly, not sure where Cloud was going with this line of questioning.
"I think," said Cloud huskily, wrapping his arms around Reno, "that I'd like to join the Mile High Club."
Oh Gaia, thought Reno. Oh my fucking Gaia!
Grabbing Cloud by the arm, Reno snatched the keycard from the desk, and they ran – as well as they could, given that they both had raging hard-ons - hand in hand toward the helipad.